To the Reviewers:
Kazaera: Yay. Love that site. Also love OFUM. Greatest, I tell ya'. Greatest. Well thanks. I believe the answer is yes. A large portion of ff.net authors are not enthralled by the wonders of Sue.
The Milkman: Hm? Only one? Hmmm . . . That doesn't seem quite right. Well, whatever.
*
Something tumbled through a thicket of overgrown grass and rolled into a tree trunk with a sickening 'thwack'. The thing was almost unrecognizable to most but under all the dirt, weeds, and grime there seemed to be a girl or something along those lines. Her eyelids drooped low and two large bags made the mud around her eyes only seem darker. With a distinguished cry of "Ow . . ." the girl sank back against the tree and pulled a leather flask from her belt. She took a quick drink and toppled over. 'Oh well,' she thought tiredly, 'A small nap won't hurt . . .' and with that the girl fell asleep instantly.
Around a day and a half later the girl opened her eyes slowly, blinking out the sun and remaining sleep. 'Something's not right . . .' then it dawned on her, the Council of Elrond. The girl leapt to her feet and took off running, stumbling quite a bit. The Council of Elrond was a breeding ground for Sues.
She arrived at Rivendell late in the night. 'Crap,' she thought bitterly. The council was long over with. There was a strange taste in the air.
Suddenly, someone from inside the Last Homely House shrieked, "Like, oh my totally, like, gosh! That's, like, just, like, so cool!" The voice was definitely female and definitely ditzy.
The Sues had already wormed their way into the plot. The girl began running again, this time to the sound of the voice. Of course, there had to be a small step up and another 'thwack' echoed through the night sky.
"Ow . . ." the girl stated weakly before getting to her feet and running again.
Marble is not something you would like impact with after running all day. The girl sprinted through the corridors to where she thought the voice came from. Of course, she was wrong and ran into two rather peeved looking, dark- haired Elves. The grabbed her under the arms and hauled her back the way they had come. The girl dared not struggle. She was in enough trouble already for entering Imladris void of permission.
The Elves brought her to a small chamber in which there sat one chair and a painting of a forest scene. Rudely, they dropped her to the ground and stripped her weapons away. So there she sat, no questions asked, no words spoken. One of the Elves left while the other stood guard. The girl fiddled with the small pendant around her neck and waited. Oh yeah, she was in big trouble.
Ages seemed to have passed before the Lord of Imladris entered, flanked by five females dressed in beautiful Elven gowns. 'Oh joy . . .' the girl thought bitterly, 'Now there are five . . .'
"You will stand in the presence of an Elven Lord," the guard stated from the arched doorway.
The girl quickly got to her feet and stood erect. Now she was really going to get it.
"Like, yeah. Like, even I, like, knew that," stated a Sue, twirling a strand of her long blonde hair.
The girl scowled at the Sue and resisted the urge to stick out her tongue.
"What is the name of the intruder?" Elrond asked solemnly, looming four feet from the girl.
She did not answer.
"Speak!"
The girl bit her tongue and answered, "Calley, my Lord."
"Like, your name is like, Calley Mylord? Like, weird," said a different Sue with short red hair.
Calley bit her lip and struggled to keep from kicking the Sue.
Lord Elrond broke the uncomfortable silence, "I fear not, Lady Kimberly. She was merely addressing me. Now, what is your business here, and may your tale be plausible?"
Calley gulped. 'Oh great,' she thought, 'what the crap am I gonna do now?'
Finally it struck her and she answered quickly, "I should feel more comfortable speaking with one of your . . . one of them. . . alone . . ."
Calley motioned towards the women who were gloating over whose nails were longer. Elrond gave her a hard, cold stare.
"I do not believe that is fit for a trespasser," he said icily.
Calley cringed. 'Oh great. Now what?'
"Like, I don't mind, Rondie!" one of the Sues piped up.
Calley grimaced. How awful can nicknames get? A smile crept over the Elf Lord's face. 'Oh no . . .' He had succumbed to the Sues influence.
"If it is what you wish, Lady Ariel. Would any others desire to stay with her?" he asked the other Mary Sues.
"Like, that's alright, Elrond. I, like, have to go meet Aragon!" announced one Sue.
This time, Calley winced for two reasons: 1. The improper name of the ranger and 2. The Sue had stolen Estel from Arwen.
"I, like, have a date with Leggy!" shouted another.
Another cringe. How Calley detested that nickname for the Prince of Mirkwood.
"Boromir's, like, taking me, like, horse riding!"
"I, like, told Frodo I'd, like, help polish, like, the Ring!" the Kimberly Sue said
Calley's eyes bulged. 'Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap!'
"That is all well, my Ladies. I shall retire to my bedchambers for the evening," Lord Elrond stated, giving a wry smile to the Ariel Sue.
Calley could have barfed right there. This was getting to be too much. The Sues all left except for the Ariel Sue. Elrond remained for a moment before winking to the Sue and exiting.
"Wait!" Calley cried.
One more thing and it would all be perfect. Lord Elrond stepped back in, raising an eyebrow,
"Um, do we really need the guard? I mean, uh, Lady Ariel here can handle me on her own seeing as how she's so . . . talented!" ushered Calley quickly.
The tension rose higher. 'I'm not going to make it out of here alive!' Calley thought in desperation. 'No! Don't think like that. Don't think like that.'
"It's, like, fine, Rondie! You, like, kept saying I was, like, good with a, like, sword!" agreed the Sue.
Elrond nodded, "Very well," and he motioned for the guard to follow him out. Thankfully, they left Calley's weapons.
When they had left, Ariel Sue spoke up, "So like, you're not, like, one of us. Like, are you?"
Calley thought up quickly, "Um, why do you say that?"
"Because, like, there's no one left, like, to take!"
"Oh, um, that's right huh? Well, uh . . ." Calley racked her brain for a something to say. There was only one thing she could think to do and it was going to be drastic. "Oh my, like, gosh, Girlfriend! That's, like, such a gorgeous, like, necklace!" she announced, though the thought of what she had just done made her gag.
Ariel Sue smiled broadly and touched the sparkling crystal and silver pendant; a cheap rip off of the Evenstar Pendant. She was obviously buying it.
"Like, thanks! Rondie, like, gave it to me!"
Calley forced a fake smile and stepped around Ariel.
"Do you, like, mind if I see, the, like, um . . . clasp?" she suggested.
Ariel shook her head vigorously and pulled her long, dark brown hair to one shoulder, giving Calley a clear look. Calley grinned mischievously and moved her hands up to the Sues neck.
"This is just wonderful," she said slyly, coiling her hands around Ariel Sue's throat.
Ariel Sue gasped for air and kicked her opponent in the shin. Calley stumbled back but kept a firm hold on the Sue. Finally, after much struggling, the Sue fell limp on the cold marble floor. Calley smirked and ran to pick up her weapons in the hall before heading to possible places Frodo and Kimberly Sue might be.
One down, four to go.
*
Charles the Review Button: I promise I won't bite!
The Almighty Disclaimer of Doom: I do not own Lord of the Rings, nor any of its characters, nor any part of the plot. If you have heard otherwise you have been misinformed.
Kazaera: Yay. Love that site. Also love OFUM. Greatest, I tell ya'. Greatest. Well thanks. I believe the answer is yes. A large portion of ff.net authors are not enthralled by the wonders of Sue.
The Milkman: Hm? Only one? Hmmm . . . That doesn't seem quite right. Well, whatever.
*
Something tumbled through a thicket of overgrown grass and rolled into a tree trunk with a sickening 'thwack'. The thing was almost unrecognizable to most but under all the dirt, weeds, and grime there seemed to be a girl or something along those lines. Her eyelids drooped low and two large bags made the mud around her eyes only seem darker. With a distinguished cry of "Ow . . ." the girl sank back against the tree and pulled a leather flask from her belt. She took a quick drink and toppled over. 'Oh well,' she thought tiredly, 'A small nap won't hurt . . .' and with that the girl fell asleep instantly.
Around a day and a half later the girl opened her eyes slowly, blinking out the sun and remaining sleep. 'Something's not right . . .' then it dawned on her, the Council of Elrond. The girl leapt to her feet and took off running, stumbling quite a bit. The Council of Elrond was a breeding ground for Sues.
She arrived at Rivendell late in the night. 'Crap,' she thought bitterly. The council was long over with. There was a strange taste in the air.
Suddenly, someone from inside the Last Homely House shrieked, "Like, oh my totally, like, gosh! That's, like, just, like, so cool!" The voice was definitely female and definitely ditzy.
The Sues had already wormed their way into the plot. The girl began running again, this time to the sound of the voice. Of course, there had to be a small step up and another 'thwack' echoed through the night sky.
"Ow . . ." the girl stated weakly before getting to her feet and running again.
Marble is not something you would like impact with after running all day. The girl sprinted through the corridors to where she thought the voice came from. Of course, she was wrong and ran into two rather peeved looking, dark- haired Elves. The grabbed her under the arms and hauled her back the way they had come. The girl dared not struggle. She was in enough trouble already for entering Imladris void of permission.
The Elves brought her to a small chamber in which there sat one chair and a painting of a forest scene. Rudely, they dropped her to the ground and stripped her weapons away. So there she sat, no questions asked, no words spoken. One of the Elves left while the other stood guard. The girl fiddled with the small pendant around her neck and waited. Oh yeah, she was in big trouble.
Ages seemed to have passed before the Lord of Imladris entered, flanked by five females dressed in beautiful Elven gowns. 'Oh joy . . .' the girl thought bitterly, 'Now there are five . . .'
"You will stand in the presence of an Elven Lord," the guard stated from the arched doorway.
The girl quickly got to her feet and stood erect. Now she was really going to get it.
"Like, yeah. Like, even I, like, knew that," stated a Sue, twirling a strand of her long blonde hair.
The girl scowled at the Sue and resisted the urge to stick out her tongue.
"What is the name of the intruder?" Elrond asked solemnly, looming four feet from the girl.
She did not answer.
"Speak!"
The girl bit her tongue and answered, "Calley, my Lord."
"Like, your name is like, Calley Mylord? Like, weird," said a different Sue with short red hair.
Calley bit her lip and struggled to keep from kicking the Sue.
Lord Elrond broke the uncomfortable silence, "I fear not, Lady Kimberly. She was merely addressing me. Now, what is your business here, and may your tale be plausible?"
Calley gulped. 'Oh great,' she thought, 'what the crap am I gonna do now?'
Finally it struck her and she answered quickly, "I should feel more comfortable speaking with one of your . . . one of them. . . alone . . ."
Calley motioned towards the women who were gloating over whose nails were longer. Elrond gave her a hard, cold stare.
"I do not believe that is fit for a trespasser," he said icily.
Calley cringed. 'Oh great. Now what?'
"Like, I don't mind, Rondie!" one of the Sues piped up.
Calley grimaced. How awful can nicknames get? A smile crept over the Elf Lord's face. 'Oh no . . .' He had succumbed to the Sues influence.
"If it is what you wish, Lady Ariel. Would any others desire to stay with her?" he asked the other Mary Sues.
"Like, that's alright, Elrond. I, like, have to go meet Aragon!" announced one Sue.
This time, Calley winced for two reasons: 1. The improper name of the ranger and 2. The Sue had stolen Estel from Arwen.
"I, like, have a date with Leggy!" shouted another.
Another cringe. How Calley detested that nickname for the Prince of Mirkwood.
"Boromir's, like, taking me, like, horse riding!"
"I, like, told Frodo I'd, like, help polish, like, the Ring!" the Kimberly Sue said
Calley's eyes bulged. 'Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap!'
"That is all well, my Ladies. I shall retire to my bedchambers for the evening," Lord Elrond stated, giving a wry smile to the Ariel Sue.
Calley could have barfed right there. This was getting to be too much. The Sues all left except for the Ariel Sue. Elrond remained for a moment before winking to the Sue and exiting.
"Wait!" Calley cried.
One more thing and it would all be perfect. Lord Elrond stepped back in, raising an eyebrow,
"Um, do we really need the guard? I mean, uh, Lady Ariel here can handle me on her own seeing as how she's so . . . talented!" ushered Calley quickly.
The tension rose higher. 'I'm not going to make it out of here alive!' Calley thought in desperation. 'No! Don't think like that. Don't think like that.'
"It's, like, fine, Rondie! You, like, kept saying I was, like, good with a, like, sword!" agreed the Sue.
Elrond nodded, "Very well," and he motioned for the guard to follow him out. Thankfully, they left Calley's weapons.
When they had left, Ariel Sue spoke up, "So like, you're not, like, one of us. Like, are you?"
Calley thought up quickly, "Um, why do you say that?"
"Because, like, there's no one left, like, to take!"
"Oh, um, that's right huh? Well, uh . . ." Calley racked her brain for a something to say. There was only one thing she could think to do and it was going to be drastic. "Oh my, like, gosh, Girlfriend! That's, like, such a gorgeous, like, necklace!" she announced, though the thought of what she had just done made her gag.
Ariel Sue smiled broadly and touched the sparkling crystal and silver pendant; a cheap rip off of the Evenstar Pendant. She was obviously buying it.
"Like, thanks! Rondie, like, gave it to me!"
Calley forced a fake smile and stepped around Ariel.
"Do you, like, mind if I see, the, like, um . . . clasp?" she suggested.
Ariel shook her head vigorously and pulled her long, dark brown hair to one shoulder, giving Calley a clear look. Calley grinned mischievously and moved her hands up to the Sues neck.
"This is just wonderful," she said slyly, coiling her hands around Ariel Sue's throat.
Ariel Sue gasped for air and kicked her opponent in the shin. Calley stumbled back but kept a firm hold on the Sue. Finally, after much struggling, the Sue fell limp on the cold marble floor. Calley smirked and ran to pick up her weapons in the hall before heading to possible places Frodo and Kimberly Sue might be.
One down, four to go.
*
Charles the Review Button: I promise I won't bite!
The Almighty Disclaimer of Doom: I do not own Lord of the Rings, nor any of its characters, nor any part of the plot. If you have heard otherwise you have been misinformed.
