Here we go again.  I'm too fuckin' nice.  Why do I always end up in the middle of shit?  It's not like I go lookin' for problems.  Yet, here I am - on my way to House of Pies with a seventeen-year-old at three in the goddamn morning so I can tell her how naive she is and get her to go home to daddy.

Yuna's clingin' to me like I'm a second skin.  It's not that hard to stay on the bike, honey.  Damn!  She's rubbing up against me and I'm gonna have a hard time getting off this bike without feeling a bit embarrassed.  Thank God, we're here!

"Run in and get a table.  I'll be there in a sec."

Shit!  Auron, get it together.  You're not turned on and you didn't just check out her ass.  It's just the booze and the weed.  Have something to eat, the buzz will wear off - you're good to go.

"Hey, Alice.  You guys have any strawberry pie yet?  No.  Well, hell.  Um.  Coffee – black - and a slice of...coconut cream.  Oh, and chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes and gravy.  What are you havin' Yuna?"

Yeah.  I thought she'd order that.  She loves lemons.  They've got good lemon meringue here. 

"Let's cut to the chase.  You're going home."

Oh yeah...here we go.  I'm getting my ass chewed now.  Man, she's pissed!  I'd laugh, but I think she's gonna try to walk.

"Sit your ass down – you ordered pie.  This isn't a discussion.  You're under eighteen and your going the fuck home tonight.  Period."

Now it's time to pout.  Teen-aged girls and pouting.  Jesus Christ.

You know, there's a reason I don't have kids of my own.  They're a pain in the ass.  Besides the fact that you have to do that commitment thing with some chick, there's the twenty odd years of torture while you raise the bastards.  I don't have that kinda time to waste.  I was an ungrateful SOB as a kid.  I know the score.  Now I'm the so-called adult.  While I still think my parents were fuckin' square, I do understand they were just doin the best they could and I was a stupid prick.  Some kid of mine pulled the shit I did and I'd screw their world in a permanent way.   You know the saying – I brought your ass into the world; I'll take you out.

"Look, Yuna, don't think I don't get where you're comin' from.  The situation sucks.  But your Dad…well…he's a good guy.  He really is.  He's the only truly good person I know.  You need to cut him some slack here."

Somehow, I didn't think that was gonna do the trick.

"Ok.  Let's look at this realistically.  Where the fuck are you gonna live?"

What?!  You're shittin' me. 

"Tidus said what?!"

Oh, now that's RICH.  Fuckin' RICH!  Jecht is NOT gonna go for that!  And, even if he did, that just wouldn't be smart.  Tidus would spend all his time trying to fuck her, and I'd have to kill him when finally got in her pants.  That might ruin my friendship with Jecht.  This just doesn't play.

"You are fuckin' crazy if you think that's gonna happen, Yuna!  The only reason Tidus said that is cause he wants laid.  If you think otherwise, you're more stupid than I thought!  Get your head outa your ass!"

Now we're into the realm of at least possible.  I don't think this is a good option either.  Rikku's a wild child cause Cid doesn't have time to pay attention to her.  Bright kid but, shit, the man let's a fifteen-year-old work at 54!  I know they need the cash to get by, but hell. 

"Yuna, they can hardly make the payments on that house and put food on the table.  I'm sure you think you'd be helpful but that neighborhood is fuckin' rough!  Cid's a big bastard who can take care of himself. Rikku's street-wise and knows the score.  Honestly, I'd peg you to get raped in a week.  Don't take it personally, honey, I'm just tellin' it like it is."

God, I hate when women cry.

"Thanks, Alice.  Yeah, she's cool.  Just bring some extra napkins."

I never know what to do when women get all hysterical.  It just shuts me down.  I saw so much shit in Nam I'm just dead to that kind of thing.  The only emotion that touches me now is rage.  Makes me good at my work.  Dispassionate.  However, it also makes moments like this fuckin' awkward.

"Yuna, eat the pie.  You'll feel better."

Damn, I love the food here!  I know it's not that healthy.  I know Masao-san would give me shit for eating this stuff.  But GOD I love chicken fried steak.  The only thing better to munch after a good joint is a pizza from Sal's or dim sum. 

"Why do you wanna stay here anyway?  New York is a hellhole, Yuna."

Yeah.  That's what I thought.  She's sick of the old man's lifestyle.  Well, who can blame her?  That kind of thing just ain't for everybody.  I guess it's time for Braska to realize that. 

You know, she's actually got a point here.  She wants to go to college!  That's kinda cool.  It's not just a 'I want to do what I want' thing.  She had to take some class so she could get a certificate that says she's got a High School equivalence since Braska's been carting her all over hell. 

"Really?  When are you taking the SAT?"

Ok.  Now I'm impressed.  She wants to be a doctor!  She could do it.  I mean, the kid is smart.  She speaks four languages already.

Damn.  I don't think Braska has any idea she's been doing this.  No wonder she's not home much.  And that's what she's doing with the cash.  She's sockin' it back for school. 

What we've got here is...failure to communicate.

"How about this?  I take you home, you kiss and make up with dad, and I try to get him to listen.  You can't stay with me.  You're not stayin' with Jecht and Tidus.  Stayin' in Harlem with Cid and Rikku is out of the fuckin' question.  I do think we can find a compromise.  You get in NYU and get a room at the dorms.  I'll tell Braska I'll be your guardian.  I think he might buy that."

I just don't get it.  Why does it make me feel so strange when she gets all happy like that?  Man, I love seeing her smile.

"Want another piece of pie?"