SCENE 4
(DOGGETT and MONICA walk out into a beautiful, flowing field. A huge sign nearby reads 'Hyrule Field')
MONICA. This must be Hyrule Field.
DOGGETT. (thick sarcasm) Really? How'd you figure that one out?
MONICA. (points to the sign) See it?
DOGGETT. (looks at her strangely, thick sarcasm again) I never would've if you hadn't pointed it out!
MONICA. See, I'm good for something! (pause) You know, there's something else I'm good for Very good, so I've been told.
DOGGETT. (sick expression) Oh Christ!
MONICA. (as DOGGETT turns around and vomits) What? What did I do?
DOGGETT. (stands up, wipes his mouth, flicks his hands to the side disgustedly) Anyway, where do we go now?
MONICA. (points to a beautiful castle over to their right) There! I've always wanted to be a princess!
DOGGETT. (gives her a VERY strange look) Eh heh let's try somewhere else first.
MONICA. (pouting) All right, where?
DOGGETT. (points to a large stone circular wall in the center of the field) Let's try over there!
MONICA. (grumbles as she follows behind him) I bet they don't have princesses
(They head up to the wall, MONICA pouting and trailing behind DOGGETT. They reach the entrance, and DOGGETT reads from a sign next to the stone arch out loud.)
DOGGETT. (reading from the sign) Lon Lon Ranch.
MONICA. (still pouting) I can read.
DOGGETT. Oh, really? I'm surprised.
MONICA. Hey!
DOGGETT. I thought princesses didn't have to read.
MONICA. (face darkens even more) Shut up.
DOGGETT. (grinning) Come on.
(They walk through the arch, and up to the ranch. There is a farmhouse with a barn, and a barn. Down a short stretch, there is an opening into a field, where horses graze in a fenced-in area. DOGGETT and MONICA head over there, to find a girl, MALON, who is wearing the same outfit as MONICA)
MALON. What? Who are you?
MONICA. Agents Rheas and Doggett, FBI.
MALON. (confused) Say what?
DOGGETT. (glares at MONICA) Ignore her. Have you seen a man and a woman?
MONICA. Woman has red hair, man has a big nose.
MALON. (nods) Yeah, Mr. Big Nose. But I'll only tell you where if you tell me something
MONICA. What if we don't want to know where?
DOGGETT. Shut up. What do you want to know?
MALON. Have you seen a blond-haired young man in a green tunic? He seems to be missing It frightens me.
MONICA. (twirls her finger against her temple to indicate insanity) Tunic. Ri-ght.
DOGGETT. (glares again) No, we haven't.
MALON. Than I haven't seen the redhead and the big nose.
MONICA. It's impossible to miss!
DOGGETT. Whoa, whoa, you just said you saw them!
MALON. I was uh, lying! Yeah, that's it!
MONICA. It's a felony to lie to the FBI.
MALON. Huh?
DOGGETT. (calmly) Tell us or we'll blow your head off.
MALON. Uh-uh.
MONICA. And we'll fry your cows!
MALON. Ah! No! I'll talk! They went to the forest!!!
DOGGETT. And how do we know it's true?
MALON. It is!
MONICA. Yeah, right. And how will we get there?
MALON. Take a horse!
DOGGETT. I don't think that's what she meant
MONICA. Yes it is! Come on, let's get the horses! I've always wanted to ride!
DOGGETT. Horses?
MONICA. Yeah, them too.
DOGGETT. (turns around and vomits again, this time on MALON) Sorry.
MALON. Aiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!! (starts to cry) Just take the stupid horses and tell me if you see my boyfriend!
MONICA. Horses (walks over to the horses)
DOGGETT. Yeah, sure, whatever. (follows MONICA)
MALON. (sits down and cries) Wahhhhh
MONICA. (jumps up on a horse) Awwww nice horse. (to DOGGETT) Do you know how to ride a horse?
DOGGETT. No. (gets up onto the horse and falls off immediately) Damnit (gets back on, falls back off)
MONICA. Obviously.
DOGGETT. Yearrrrghhhhhhhhhhhh! I'm cursed!
MONICA. (looks at him wearily) Just get on the horse
(DOGGETT makes it onto the horse without falling off, and he and MONICA head out on horses, leaving MALON crying)
