SEASON 7 PARODY
PART II
** **
Holden: "Even though I'm a vampire with a really short role, I'm leaving my mark here."
Audience: "This guy is really funny! Couldn't we keep him and have Buffy stake those annoying SiTs instead? Or maybe just Kennedy?"
Joss: "No, besides, they're not even here yet!"
Audience: "Details!"
Buffy (dusts Holden): "Hmm Spike is biting people again? I must investigate. Someone should watch him during the day."
Xander: "Sure, let's ask Anya."
Anya: "Uhm, I am no longer a demon and completely helpless, yet you leave me alone with a vampire that might be on a killing spree? Me, the woman you loved for years??"
Xander: "Yeah, sure. Bye."
Anya: "....Just for that, I'm gonna have sex with Spike. Happyland here I come!"
Spike: "Uh, no. Sorry."
Anya: "Why not?? You're sure not having any sex with Buffy this season! Or getting any nicer treatment than the average dog for that matter."
Spike: "Yeah well, you see, that's fine because now that I have a soul I have all the pride and spunk of a depressed slug. Anyway, leave me alone so I can punch your ex in the face later on."
Anya: "Sounds peachy!"
(Later)
Xander: "Spike you can't leave. Time for me to do that thing where I pretend I'm intimidating."
Spike: *KAPOW!*
Xander falls to the ground.
Spike: "Well worth the headache. And at least one moment in this season that worked out nicely for me."
**********
Buffy: "Well Spike, you were brainwashed and the First had you biting people, and now you're tied to my chair. Hmmm, and at my mercy.....hmmmm..the endless possibilities... Ahem, no wait this isn't Season 6. Too bad."
Spike: "TELL me about it!"
Buffy: "And in the next room Anya is beating up Andrew. I think Joss really does have a 'thing' for strong, dominant women."
Spike: "Just wait till Dawn starts hitting Andrew for fun and she and Anya discuss torture options."
Buffy: "Yeah, hey, what type of feminism is this anyway??"
(Joss grins....)
Spike: "I had to endure unspeakable trials and horrible torture to get my soul for you. And I'm now so sad remembering Season 6. You really used me for your own ends."
Buffy (thinks) : 'Man, demonic trials and torture. For me. And he's clearly suffering under all this. All the guilt and the hurt, and he's all alone. And only now does he see how he was my buttmonkey in Season 6....There's only one thing to say to all this!'
Buffy shrugs and says: "Yeah, duh."
Group of guys in robes come in: "Hi, we work for the First. We're the Bringers and we're here to take Spike, which is not a good way to live up to our name. Maybe you should call us by our other name: Harbingers. Of course all fanfic writers will just combine that into 'Harbringers', but hey...."
Buffy: "You got scars for eyes! How do you even see?"
Bringers: "We don't. We're just so evil we constantly go around stabbing aimlessly around us. We're bound to hit something every now and then."
************
The First: "Hahaha, Spike. You're in my ultimate evil hands now. I'll have you chained to an S&M device and cut with kinky knives...let me morph into Buffy just to give this scene a little symbolic irony and make it a little juicier."
Spike: "Yeah, very fitting. And hey, this reminds me of when Glory strung me up and tortured me..I'm definitely beginning to see a pattern in Joss' 'feminism'."
Joss: "*Pant, pant* Ahem, I mean....uhm, no comment."
********
Giles: "Hello, I'm back! Excuse me while I deliberately don't touch anything. Oh, and I'm much more of a 'bringer' than those monks. I bring girls. Lots of them. With really bad accents."
Some SiT: "Oh now, tha's no' fair. Moi accent's quoite foine, Oi'll have ye kno."
Buffy: "....."
Some other SiT: "Wah, shugah, what a coincidence. Mah accent's jus' peachy keen as well. Ah'm from thah sowth bah the way."
Buffy: "Guys, anyone think those monk guys do request-kidnappings?"
Kennedy: "Well not me! I'm here to STAY! In your FACE! By the way, you all suck, and I rule. I am a pushy lesbian jailbait-brat! My parents are rich! Maggots!"
Buffy: "What the....?"
Kennedy (to Willow): "Hi, I'm Kennedy. Also known as the Anti-Tara. Amber Benson wouldn't come back, so no resurrection for Tara. So now Joss went with Tara's exact opposite in every way."
Willow: "Uh, like how?"
Kennedy: "Oh you know, she was likable, sweet, intelligent, caring, gentle, quiet but strong, surprisingly witty sometimes.....somebody people would actually want to hang with in real life."
Willow: "Which would make you..."
Kennedy: "ME! And I'm going to have you!"
Willow: "Gulp!"
Kennedy: "First I'll make inappropriate innuendo about us sleeping together even though we just met, then I'll decide we go on a date."
Willow: ".....good to know..."
Rhona: "I'm Rhona! I am the only SiT who will be MORE annoying than Kennedy!"
Kennedy: "We'll see about that!"
Audience: "Do we have to?"
Rhona: "Watch me go! COMPLAINING! WHINING! ANNOYING UNGRATEFUL PRATTLING! MORE COMPLAINING! ETC!"
Kennedy: "Man, she IS good.."
Buffy: "There's no time for all this! I have to go look for Spike!"
(Buffy meets Ubervamp. Ubervamp hands Buffy her ass on a silver platter. She runs for her life.
Next time, Buffy tries to save decidedly stupid SiT who thought that running through the streets at night with the Ubervamp on the loose is safer than staying with the Slayer.
Ah well, that's what natural selection is for. Buffy fights Ubervamp again in a construction site. She punches him. She kicks him. She wails on him. He shrugs it off and hands Buffy her ass on a silver platter. Again.
She is buried under rubble and helpless. Out cold. The Ubervamp doesn't finish her off, because.......uhm...Joss?
Joss: "Because we still have about a third of the season to go!"
Right. So Buffy is back home, bruised like an old banana. This moment is significant. We now enter the Buffy era of SPEECHES! Personally I dub this the Speecholitic Age of the Buffyverse.)
Buffy: "This new vamp kicked my ass. Several times. But it's not going to win, because I am going to win. We will win. They will lose. We will stand over them and be victorious. They will lie at our feet after we kick their asses. We will gloat. We will laugh. We will take pictures. When the smoke clears, only one group will be left standing, and that group will be us. We will..."
Everyone: "We get the gist!"
Buffy: "Get used to it. I have discovered a new talent!"
Everyone: "No, you really haven't!"
Buffy: "Giving me lip? Sounds like some people here need a thorough speeching!"
Everyone: "*Groan*....."
**************
TBC!
PART II
** **
Holden: "Even though I'm a vampire with a really short role, I'm leaving my mark here."
Audience: "This guy is really funny! Couldn't we keep him and have Buffy stake those annoying SiTs instead? Or maybe just Kennedy?"
Joss: "No, besides, they're not even here yet!"
Audience: "Details!"
Buffy (dusts Holden): "Hmm Spike is biting people again? I must investigate. Someone should watch him during the day."
Xander: "Sure, let's ask Anya."
Anya: "Uhm, I am no longer a demon and completely helpless, yet you leave me alone with a vampire that might be on a killing spree? Me, the woman you loved for years??"
Xander: "Yeah, sure. Bye."
Anya: "....Just for that, I'm gonna have sex with Spike. Happyland here I come!"
Spike: "Uh, no. Sorry."
Anya: "Why not?? You're sure not having any sex with Buffy this season! Or getting any nicer treatment than the average dog for that matter."
Spike: "Yeah well, you see, that's fine because now that I have a soul I have all the pride and spunk of a depressed slug. Anyway, leave me alone so I can punch your ex in the face later on."
Anya: "Sounds peachy!"
(Later)
Xander: "Spike you can't leave. Time for me to do that thing where I pretend I'm intimidating."
Spike: *KAPOW!*
Xander falls to the ground.
Spike: "Well worth the headache. And at least one moment in this season that worked out nicely for me."
**********
Buffy: "Well Spike, you were brainwashed and the First had you biting people, and now you're tied to my chair. Hmmm, and at my mercy.....hmmmm..the endless possibilities... Ahem, no wait this isn't Season 6. Too bad."
Spike: "TELL me about it!"
Buffy: "And in the next room Anya is beating up Andrew. I think Joss really does have a 'thing' for strong, dominant women."
Spike: "Just wait till Dawn starts hitting Andrew for fun and she and Anya discuss torture options."
Buffy: "Yeah, hey, what type of feminism is this anyway??"
(Joss grins....)
Spike: "I had to endure unspeakable trials and horrible torture to get my soul for you. And I'm now so sad remembering Season 6. You really used me for your own ends."
Buffy (thinks) : 'Man, demonic trials and torture. For me. And he's clearly suffering under all this. All the guilt and the hurt, and he's all alone. And only now does he see how he was my buttmonkey in Season 6....There's only one thing to say to all this!'
Buffy shrugs and says: "Yeah, duh."
Group of guys in robes come in: "Hi, we work for the First. We're the Bringers and we're here to take Spike, which is not a good way to live up to our name. Maybe you should call us by our other name: Harbingers. Of course all fanfic writers will just combine that into 'Harbringers', but hey...."
Buffy: "You got scars for eyes! How do you even see?"
Bringers: "We don't. We're just so evil we constantly go around stabbing aimlessly around us. We're bound to hit something every now and then."
************
The First: "Hahaha, Spike. You're in my ultimate evil hands now. I'll have you chained to an S&M device and cut with kinky knives...let me morph into Buffy just to give this scene a little symbolic irony and make it a little juicier."
Spike: "Yeah, very fitting. And hey, this reminds me of when Glory strung me up and tortured me..I'm definitely beginning to see a pattern in Joss' 'feminism'."
Joss: "*Pant, pant* Ahem, I mean....uhm, no comment."
********
Giles: "Hello, I'm back! Excuse me while I deliberately don't touch anything. Oh, and I'm much more of a 'bringer' than those monks. I bring girls. Lots of them. With really bad accents."
Some SiT: "Oh now, tha's no' fair. Moi accent's quoite foine, Oi'll have ye kno."
Buffy: "....."
Some other SiT: "Wah, shugah, what a coincidence. Mah accent's jus' peachy keen as well. Ah'm from thah sowth bah the way."
Buffy: "Guys, anyone think those monk guys do request-kidnappings?"
Kennedy: "Well not me! I'm here to STAY! In your FACE! By the way, you all suck, and I rule. I am a pushy lesbian jailbait-brat! My parents are rich! Maggots!"
Buffy: "What the....?"
Kennedy (to Willow): "Hi, I'm Kennedy. Also known as the Anti-Tara. Amber Benson wouldn't come back, so no resurrection for Tara. So now Joss went with Tara's exact opposite in every way."
Willow: "Uh, like how?"
Kennedy: "Oh you know, she was likable, sweet, intelligent, caring, gentle, quiet but strong, surprisingly witty sometimes.....somebody people would actually want to hang with in real life."
Willow: "Which would make you..."
Kennedy: "ME! And I'm going to have you!"
Willow: "Gulp!"
Kennedy: "First I'll make inappropriate innuendo about us sleeping together even though we just met, then I'll decide we go on a date."
Willow: ".....good to know..."
Rhona: "I'm Rhona! I am the only SiT who will be MORE annoying than Kennedy!"
Kennedy: "We'll see about that!"
Audience: "Do we have to?"
Rhona: "Watch me go! COMPLAINING! WHINING! ANNOYING UNGRATEFUL PRATTLING! MORE COMPLAINING! ETC!"
Kennedy: "Man, she IS good.."
Buffy: "There's no time for all this! I have to go look for Spike!"
(Buffy meets Ubervamp. Ubervamp hands Buffy her ass on a silver platter. She runs for her life.
Next time, Buffy tries to save decidedly stupid SiT who thought that running through the streets at night with the Ubervamp on the loose is safer than staying with the Slayer.
Ah well, that's what natural selection is for. Buffy fights Ubervamp again in a construction site. She punches him. She kicks him. She wails on him. He shrugs it off and hands Buffy her ass on a silver platter. Again.
She is buried under rubble and helpless. Out cold. The Ubervamp doesn't finish her off, because.......uhm...Joss?
Joss: "Because we still have about a third of the season to go!"
Right. So Buffy is back home, bruised like an old banana. This moment is significant. We now enter the Buffy era of SPEECHES! Personally I dub this the Speecholitic Age of the Buffyverse.)
Buffy: "This new vamp kicked my ass. Several times. But it's not going to win, because I am going to win. We will win. They will lose. We will stand over them and be victorious. They will lie at our feet after we kick their asses. We will gloat. We will laugh. We will take pictures. When the smoke clears, only one group will be left standing, and that group will be us. We will..."
Everyone: "We get the gist!"
Buffy: "Get used to it. I have discovered a new talent!"
Everyone: "No, you really haven't!"
Buffy: "Giving me lip? Sounds like some people here need a thorough speeching!"
Everyone: "*Groan*....."
**************
TBC!
