SEASON 7 PARODY:

PART III

AN: Okay sorry this came so late. I usually try to be a regular updater, but I got banned! For a friggin' week! For something I didn't even know was illegal. Ah well...live and learn. On with the show.

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Kennedy: "Hey Willow. Here witchy, witchy. Come to mama. Growl. Did I mention my family's houses have whole wings? As opposed to this dump? Hey Willow, I hear you taste like strawberries. Why don't you sleep here in bed with me? Yum!"

Willow: "Uh, because you scare the crap outta me?"

Kennedy: "My time will come. Especially since we get to share a room with just the two of us even when everyone else is packed on the floor."

Audience: "Hm? Oh sorry, we were just trying to see if our VCR can be programmed to tape everything BUT Kennedy."

Kennedy: "Ha! Just wait till rumors start of ME being the lead in a SPINOFF!"

Audience: "........."

(All over the world people who were watching 'Buffy' are taken to emergency rooms in a catatonic state with their faces frozen in fear. Doctors are baffled.)

Kennedy: "Pffff. Pansies."

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Giles: "Oh Beljoxa's Eye, what is the mystery behind the First's attack on the Slayer line?"

Beljoxa's Eye: "It's because of the Slayer. The energies of the Slayer power have changed."

Giles: "Ahh of course. Because they brought her back from the dead!"

Audience: "Intriguing! Will Buffy have to die again? What does this mean for Faith or the potentials? HOW did Buffy's resurrection change the Slayer power and HOW does it enable the First to launch it's attack?"

Beljoxa's Eye: "Bugger if I know. They will never refer back to this anyway."

Audience: "Wuh?"

Buffy: "Ahh you SiTs. Be prepared, for my death could 'activate' ANY one of you to be the next Slayer!"

Audience: "Why does she keep saying that? Her first death called Kendra, whose death called Faith who is now the end of the line. If Buffy's death could call a new Slayer a second time, wouldn't her dying in 'The Gift' have done that back then?"

Buffy: "Uh...."

Audience: "And in the months she was dead until S6 it was clear no new Slayer was ever called. Soo..."

Buffy: "Anyway, as I was saying: Ah you SiTs, my death could 'activate' ANY one of you to be the next Slayer."

Audience: "Groan....maybe the writers should start watching the show...would help."

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The First: "Hah, I will now have you tortured some more, Spike! But let me morph into another sexy woman first!"

Spike: "Yeah, wouldn't feel right if you didn't."

First (morphs into Drusilla): "Hah! Now I will have my Ubervamp torture you! Hmmm, what shall I do to a vampire who doesn't need to breathe? Wait, I got it!!!"

(The Ubervamp holds Spike's head underwater and for some reason, Spike is greatly distressed despite the fact he doesn't need air.)

Audience: "Uhm, once again, do the writers WATCH the shows at all??"

Joss: "Ahem, there's a perfectly good explanation for this....uhm.. oh I got it, here's what Spike is really screaming underwater:"

Spike: "Nooo, my hair gel!! It's washing out!! Stooop! I'll get way too curly!"

Audience: ".....right."

The First: "Uh, yes, that's what I meant. I'll wash your hair gel out...ahem. I am SO evil....."

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(Buffy fights the Ubervamp. Again. At a construction site. Again. Nothing's really changed. Except the vamp suddenly feels her punches. This is maybe because unlike the other time, Buffy has now 'decided' to win. Or maybe because she has an audience now. Go fig. Anyway, she kills him and it's speech time again.)

Buffy: "See? I have won, which is how it will be. Because we will win. And they will lose. And once they have lost it will be US who will be victorious. So you see it is THEY who should fear US, and that's why blah blahblahpowerblah Blahtiblablahevilblah...."

Some SiT: "Ubervamps don't talk, do they?"

Other SiT: "Nope."

Some SiT: "They kill you in perfect silence."

Some other SiT: "....if only he'd won."

Buffy: "Shut up, ingrates! Gotta go get Spike. Free him and show him that I care. Then give him one of my incredibly emotional looks."

Spike: "Oh Buffy, you came for me! You believe in me! And man, that's one intense emotional look you're giving me!"

Buffy: "Uh huh."

Spike: "Bugger if I know what the emotion is though."

Buffy: "That's the idea. I got a million of 'em."

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(Buffy & Spike start training the SiTs. Spike play-attacks them a little. Female members in the audience sigh as British SiT is held by him from behind and wish it was THEM instead of her. When the girl wishes to be released, the words "Stupid little $^$*@#!!" are heard in many households.

Buffy has her arms folded and looks all stern and teacher-like.)

Buffy: "See? You guys lost because you are chanceless against a vamp like Spike. You dumb little fools. You should have run!"

Some SiT: "Uh didn't you ORDER us to try and attack him?"

Buffy: "Silence! This is not about my logic. This is about POWER! Vampsblahblah. blahblahSlayerblahblah blahblahblah blah!"

SiTs: "Groan.."

Buffy: "Spike! Attack me from behind, right when I tell you to."

Spike: "Why? What's the point?"

Buffy: "To show my greatness."

Some SiT: "But you know exactly when and where he's coming because you're cueing him. Not exactly a sign of your skill is it?"

Buffy: "Shut up. Spike......NOW!"

(Spike attacks her exactly when she tells him to and she throws him on the ground. Which is less than surprising. Kind of a half-hearted attack anyway.)

Buffy: "See? Now I am on top of him. This is just to show the contrast with you guys getting beat by him. You know, before he starts looking too cool."

Spike: "I do whatever she wants...aow."

Buffy: "Oh Spike, did I hurt you when I threw you on the ground after you jumped me right on cue? Let me lift your shirt and sensually caress your abs while I'm still straddling you....hmmm.."

SiTs: "Damn that's hot."

Audience: "Damn that's hot."

Buffy: "Everyone turned on? Good, time to stop then."

(Buffy gets up and goes back to teacher-mode)

Spike: "...she's really good at that."

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Dawn: "I'm going to be a SLAYER!! YEAH! Spin-off here I come. YAY!"

Audience: "Sure, we'd watch that..uhm..maybe....sorta....uhm.. Will Spike be in it??"

Dawn: "That doesn't matter! It will be ME in the LEAD!"

Joss: "Ahhmm.."

Dawn: "No spinoff?"

Joss: (Shakes head)

Dawn: "But I AM gonna be a Slayer, right? I was 'made' out of Buffy, so..."

Joss: (Pulls up his nose a little and squints)

Dawn: "Okay, but I AM another Potential!"

Joss: (Pets her on the head) You're so cute."

Dawn: "Sniff...."

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TBC!