PARODY OF SEASON 7

PART IV

** **

(It may be a little out of order but I thought we'd put the DATING moments of season 7 all together. Seemed fitting somehow. First up, Dawn with that jacket-guy. )

Dawn: "After a few setbacks, I will really rule now! This ep is about ME! I get to act wild and be all sexy! And the great depths of my character will be explored."

All the males working for Joss and in the audience: "Jailbait Dawn, the pushy queen of slut-town ..... We like it so far!"

Dawn: "See! My talent is shining through at last!"

All the males: "Yeah! Especially in that scene at the Bronze where you sex the place up! Shake that booty!"

Dawn: "Uh, wait a minute now...."

All the males: "Say, who's that ugly beanpole doofus with the jacket?"

RJ: "Hey!"

Buffy: "Hmm, too much attention on Dawn here. Ahem, oh, I saw his magic jacket too and now *I'M* in love as well! Come RJ, I will seduce you! Growl!"

RJ: "As one-time guest roles go: sweeeet!"

Audience: "Wait, didn't Buffy see him in his jacket at the Bronze already? What's up with that?"

Joss: *Ahem* move along people! Go with it!"

Willow & Anya: "We'll fall for this jacket-trick as well! This will be funny."

Audience: "Yeah, and it is. But didn't Willow see the guy in his jacket at the Bronze already too?"

Joss: *glares*

Audience: "Fine, fine...."

Spike & Xander: "Uhm Joss? We know we're gonna steal that jacket later on but, uhm, we're supposed to run away with it down the street."

Joss: "Your point?"

Spike: "Well, Sunnydale really only has that one street. So when we're at the end of it, all we can really do is.....uhm, run back again?"

Joss: "Right. Ahem. Let's uh, cut to another scene before you reach the end then."

Dawn: "And somehow, once again, focus shifts away from me.....Joss, come on, what do I do?"

Joss: "What you do best. Whine and mope. And we're going all the way with that in this ep. Now go lie on a railroad track!! And make it as melodramatic as you can!!"

Dawn: "I am SO depressed."

**

Xander: My date! My date! I get the R&B singer guest star!! Woohoo!"

(Ashanti strings Xander up and starts carving him up a bit.)

Ashanti: "Psych, just another demon! Sorry about that."

Xander: "Sigh. That's okay. Recurring gag. And more S&M feminism...."

Ashanti: "By the way, you HAVE gained weight. Couldn't they have me string up naked Spike instead?"

Xander: "I am SO depressed."

**

Kennedy: "Now the REAL stuff starts. Willow! Come with me! We will go on a date now!

Willow: "Uh, but only weeks ago my heart was filled with mourning for my recently deceased love Tara......"

Kennedy: "Ok we need some attitude adjustment. After this ep, that Lara chick is no longer mentioned. Got that?"

Willow: "Uh that's Tara...."

Kennedy: "What did I just say??"

Willow: "Ok, ok.....date. Right. Got it."

Kennedy: "OK, first we'll go to the bronze and have a drink and a half and I'll be as subtle in my wooing you as a horny rhino..Then we'll kiss."

Willow: "Right, right."

*Smooch*

Kennedy: "Oh my god, you look like some guy!"

Everyone: "Oh my god she looks like Warren!"

Spike: "Aarrrrrhgggggggggggghhhhhh the chip!! It's killing meeeAAARRHGHHHHH!!"

Buffy: "Yeah, yeah Spike, be right with you. Wow, Willow does look like Warren."

(Everyone stands around scratching their heads while Spike writhes on the floor in agony.)

Kennedy: "I'll fix this! This just reminds everyone of that Tara chick! Can't have that!"

Amy: "HAH! I am involved in this!"

Kennedy: "Why?"

Amy: "Because..I hate Willow!"

Willow: "Since when? Why?"

Amy: "Uh...I dunno...says so in the script?"

Kennedy: "Never mind, I have the perfect solution! I will kiss her again!"

Audience: "Isn't that what CAUSED this in the first place?"

*Smooch*

Willow: "Wow, all the guilt and trauma and pain over the recent death of my girlfriend of several years is completely washed away by a kiss, JUST like the one that caused all this only an hour ago!"

Kennedy: "Well, hello, we DID have 3 moments of awkward, pushy flirting and 2 drinks at the Bronze! That's easily worth just as much your long relationship with Tara."

Willow: "Tara WHO? I LOVE you Kennedy!!!!"

Kennedy: "Of course you do!!"

Audience (bleeding from the eyes, nose and ears at this point): "** Uuurrggllll ** When.....does....the hurting.....stop? Any chance that...Kennedy creature is gonna bite the dust?"

Joss: "Nope."

Audience: "We're SO depressed."

**

Buffy: "My turn! My date with the shiny man!"

Wood: "I am polishing my head for this."

Willow: "Wow is he interested? Are you? You go through guys like hankies in this show, so.."

Buffy: "I do not! But I think Wood would be 'good' for me"

Audience: "Where the frag does THIS come from?"

Buffy: "And I'm not STILL in love with Spike."

Audience: "Hey she admits she was in love with him!"

Buffy: "No, I don't."

Audience: "Yes you really did."

Buffy: "Nah. Anyway, Principal Wood is really shiny."

Spike: "I'm fine.....really.....*snfff*."

Buffy: "Not TOO fine though! Hello, this is *me* we're talking about. You don't get over me that quickly. Ask Angel! He was still brooding over me while I was already boinking frat boys and hayseed soldiers! Anyway, toodles, I got jungle fevah!"

Wood: "Cool! Really!??"

Buffy: "Nah, probably not. That would be an identifiable emotion."

Wood: "Damn. Anyway, I am the son of a Slayer. She got killed by a vamp when I was a kid. Which would put that in the seventies."

Buffy: "Okay."

Wood: "So this BLACK WOMAN who was a SLAYER in AMERICA, got killed by a VAMPIRE in the SEVENTIES...."

Buffy: "Okay."

Wood: "Uhm, alright, it doesn't necessarily mean it *must* be Spike, but doesn't all that info coupled with what you know about Spike make you briefly WONDER at all??"

Buffy: "Nah."

Wood: "I think I was a little hasty with giving you that job."

Audience: "Sweet girl. Not that bright."

(This concludes the date parts)

*********

Andrew: "Wait! Don't I get a date?"

Joss: "Nah."

Andrew: "Come on! Not like there aren't plenty of girls around!"

Joss: "Ain't gonna happen."

Andrew: "Ok, I'm comic relief, I got that. I'm doing my best. (insert Star Trek reference) But now that I'm no longer the First's lackey...what do I do?? (insert comic book reference)"

Joss: "Be funny and nerdy. You'll get an ep...sorta. It'll be funny. And frankly considering how I have Buffy treat Spike, be happy I don't give you a love interest."

Spike: "......I tell ya, I could write a book."

Andrew: "Sigh. Fine, fine. But tell me one thing. Am I gay or not?"

Audience: "Yeah we were wondering ourselves. The guy's pretty funny these days, but his 'orientation' eludes us."

Andrew: "Yeah, cuz half the time you insinuate I'm gay, but just when it seems clear that I AM, you have me drool over a girl. (Insert female superhero reference) So am I straight? And just weird and nerdy? But then later on there's that scene where I seem as equally taken with glamorous, hair-blowing, sexy Buffy as with naked Spike. Maybe I'm bi?"

Joss: "The answer to ONE of your questions is yes."

Andrew: "Urglll...(insert Star Wars reference)"

** **

TBC!