SEASON 7 PARODY:
PART IV
** ** Kennedy: "Yipieee, I am in charge of the SiTs! I get to push them around and call them 'maggots' a lot! Even though I did nothing to show I'm better than any of them in any way. Except for have a big mouth and sleep with Willow!"
Amanda: "Hey! Yeah! I'm the only one who killed vamps all by myself! You girls did it in groups! How come I'M not in charge? She only slept with Willow!"
Buffy: "Hey, as credentials go..."
Kennedy: "And now I get to sit in on Scoobie meetings even though I've done nothing to deserve it, except...."
Audience: " 'Sleep with Willow'. We got it. Shut up. Speak when spoken to."
Willow: "Hey, how come I, one of the main characters from day one, am suddenly reduced to being 'the girlfriend'?? That's all I am now! 'Kennedy's girlfriend' I sit beside her and smile like a good little geisha while she does the talking!"
Audience: "Hey, you had to sleep with her."
Willow: "Damn.."
Anya: "Hey I'm kinda bored too. I used to have more to do as a character."
Willow: "TELL me about it!!"
Anya: "Oh shush, you had plenty of spotlight last season! I'm now competing with that nerd for the spot of comic-relief character!"
Willow: "At least you're not someone's friggin' concubine...."
Kennedy: "What was that??"
Willow: "Ah..uh, heheh, nothing dear..."
Anya: "Whatever, I think I'm gonna wear sexier stuff or dye my hair some more or, or try to have sex with Spike again. Something should work!!"
Audience: "Say, why are you even here? You don't even like the Scoobies much. You're not with Xander, not a demon any more, you dislike Buffy.."
Anya: "W-well, you know, D'Hoffryn put a price on my head. He 'decided to take me out after all'. I need to be here for my safety."
Audience: "The guy who made that big scary point about 'NEVER going for the KILL when you can go for PAIN'? That guy?"
Anya: "Uhm, yes....."
Audience: "Suddenly changed his mind."
Anya: "Uh....."
Audience: "And is of course known for hiring incompetent, low-rent demon thugs.."
Anya: "....."
Audience: "And couldn't he most likely just kill you with a snap of his fingers??"
Anya: "........don't you like me?"
Audience: (stares at shoes) "We're sorry Anya, we really like you. Whatever keeps you around. We'll just...go with it. We're getting good at that lately. Now say something funny about sex or how everyone's gonna die!!."
Anya: "No prob!"
Buffy: "Ahem, later! Now it's time for another speech: Ok, you suck. And you. And you. And you. You all suck. Except for me. I don't suck."
Spike: "She used to...last season...hhmmmmm.....good times...."
Buffy: "Shut up! And stop thinking sexy happy thoughts! As I was saying, you all suck. You're all going to die and you deserve it. You should all make more sacrifices and work harder. You're all pathetic. I looked that word up in the dictionary and there was a group shot of all of you. You SiTs suck. You Scoobies suck. That lamp sucks."
Spike: "I'm outta here."
Buffy: "Not so fast! You suck too!"
Spike: "No I don't! You keep me around like a dog. I train the SiTs. I patrol with you. I suffer your ALMOST sexual innuendo and vague looks and your touching me in sensitive places, full of sexual undertones. And then after all that you just send me to the basement again! And I do it all! I do everything you ask!"
Buffy: "Yeah well, you still suck! Getting a soul! I like evil Spike better! At least he kicked ass."
Spike: "......I'm so confused........"
Buffy: "Anyhoo we're going to do a ritual where I meet some ancient Shaman guys who created the first Slayer."
The Shaman: (Or..er, Shamen..Shamans..what the hell): "Yeah we decided to make that girl a Slayer a zillion years ago."
Buffy: "Why a girl?"
Shamen: "Joss has this thing with feminism."
Buffy: "Not that again. Okay, why only ONE girl? World full of demons and only one girl. Doesn't make sense. Make an army!"
Shamen: (shrug) "We just didn't like the sound of the words 'matriarchal society'. Anyway, you need more power and we can give it. Kind of icky. It involves this black magic cloud entity that's going to crawl up your..."
Buffy: "WOAH! No way!"
Shamen: "Oh come on, you're wearing some ridiculous goth-frock thing! Everyone knows you only wear skirts and dresses these days when you're going to have sex of SOME sort."
Buffy: "That was season 6! And with a sexy naked Spike! With muscles! Unless that cloud thing can look like him...!"
Shamen: "Nah, pretty much gonna stay a dark, disgusting cloud thing. Well, we were sure that after all your speeches of everyone sacrificing more and doing whatever it takes to win..."
Buffy: "I was talking about THEM! Not ME! Blah!"
(Buffy resists and the Great Ancient Wise Mages, these sources of the Slayer Power in the Astral Plane.....uh, start hitting her....uh, with sticks.
Don't look at me. I didn't make it up. Anyway, back in Buffy's house a large demon kicks everyone's ass. It needs to be recaptured.)
Spike: "I'm the only supernaturally strong fighter present. I'll get it back here."
Kennedy: "Ohhh, now it's time for what may be my stupidest remark! Hey, Spike, you're super strong and have century-old battle experience and I'm just a teenage brat that does morning gymnastics but still: *I* should go instead of you cuz we SiTs are 'trained'!!!"
Spike: "Yeah...by me, for one."
Kennedy: "I didn't say it was my most logical remark did I?? Anyhoo, you're useless, I'M way better! You just got thrown through a ceiling!"
Spike: "Which would've turned you into a pile of pulp."
Kennedy: "SCOFF! This demon kicked your ass!!"
Spike: "Uhm, okay am I the only one who noticed she got tossed aside like a little rag doll just now? Where is she GETTING this 'I am so great' stuff? She hasn't done squat! Ever!"
Kennedy: "Shut up! Maggot! Drop and gimme 20!"
Spike: "Whatever. Boy, maybe Buffy is right. My old evil self would have eaten her by now."
Audience: "We'll pay to see that!!"
Spike: "Sorry, not in the script. Anyway, demon hunting now. I'll go get my coat since I left my spunk and pizzazz in the pockets or something. I left it on Buffy's stairs when I went to Africa. So that means it MUST now be in the school basement."
Audience: "Makes sense."
(Spike kicks the demons ass and gets his rocks back. After two-thirds of a season of him moping in dark cellars, it is refreshing.)
Spike: "TELL me about it!"
*********************
Willow: "Sorry Kennedy, my new love, that I used your energies for that spell. But you said you wanted to see me all powerful and magical..."
Kennedy: "Ewww you're scary and creepy! Stay away from me!"
Willow: "Uh..I thought you were so tough."
Kennedy: "That wasn't even like, COOL dark magic. I'm going into my bedroom now, closing the door on you. Cuz I apparently have my own room all of a sudden. Or I'm just locking you out of yours. Whatever. Bye."
Willow: "Uh...."
Audience: "Well at least finally something is DONE with this... 'relationship'. A falling out? Break up? Maybe she will get killed by Dark Willow??? Maybe? Pretty please??"
Joss: "Nah. And next week they'll be all lovey-dovey again like this never happened."
Audience: "AARRGGHH!!!"
***********************
Wood: "Grrr! Spike killed my mother. Time for me to actually have a reason to be around here! Grrrr!"
Giles: "Well I can finally touch things again, now that everyone knows I'm not the First. Was kind of difficult. Still, that gag I made about taking girls on a camping trip was funny."
Wood: "Yeah whatever. Look Spike is dangerous, let me kill him."
Giles: "Hm well he's still triggered, and Buffy is way to trusting of him. Not sure what she feels for him now."
Buffy: "Sigh, it's really simple. I defend him against everyone else. No one's allowed to touch him or say bad things about him. And at the same time I barely give him the time of day, except for barking orders and give my intense, unclear looks."
Spike: ".....pretty much sums it up. Maybe I should have had sex with Anya."
Wood: "Anyway, Giles, we do what we have to do. It's war!"
Giles: "Yes you're right. It's unpleasant but we must do what we must, not because we like it but because ours is a greater duty, and...."
Wood: "So, like, I wanna take a few hours beating him to death and torturing him and stuff. That okay?"
Giles: "Ah, sure."
Wood: "Woohoo!"
(Giles takes Buffy slaying and stalls her. Wood brings Spike to his place with the crosses.)
Spike: "Uh, why the crosses? I'm supposed to have a sleepover here! And er, looks kinda kinky and gothy...."
Wood: "Oh think nothing of it."
Spike: "And you're getting half naked now..."
Wood: "Just ignore it."
Spike: "And now you're putting on some medieval torture glove thing...."
Wood: "Pay no attention to it."
Spike: "Uh.....this isn't some kinky gay thing is it?? Not that there's anything WRONG with that, but..."
Wood: "You killed my mother and now I'll kill you!"
Spike: "Ah, no okay."
(Wood triggers Spike. Spike is distracted by his memories and Wood beats him. All of which works very therapeutic on Spike and he's cured and de- triggered. The following fight is pretty realistic, considering Spike's superior speed and strength: he kicks Wood's ass all over the place, tosses him around and bounces him off a wall or two. And a good time is had by all.)
**Wood glaring angrily as he lies crumpled in the corner.**
(Well, almost all.)
*************
TBC!
PART IV
** ** Kennedy: "Yipieee, I am in charge of the SiTs! I get to push them around and call them 'maggots' a lot! Even though I did nothing to show I'm better than any of them in any way. Except for have a big mouth and sleep with Willow!"
Amanda: "Hey! Yeah! I'm the only one who killed vamps all by myself! You girls did it in groups! How come I'M not in charge? She only slept with Willow!"
Buffy: "Hey, as credentials go..."
Kennedy: "And now I get to sit in on Scoobie meetings even though I've done nothing to deserve it, except...."
Audience: " 'Sleep with Willow'. We got it. Shut up. Speak when spoken to."
Willow: "Hey, how come I, one of the main characters from day one, am suddenly reduced to being 'the girlfriend'?? That's all I am now! 'Kennedy's girlfriend' I sit beside her and smile like a good little geisha while she does the talking!"
Audience: "Hey, you had to sleep with her."
Willow: "Damn.."
Anya: "Hey I'm kinda bored too. I used to have more to do as a character."
Willow: "TELL me about it!!"
Anya: "Oh shush, you had plenty of spotlight last season! I'm now competing with that nerd for the spot of comic-relief character!"
Willow: "At least you're not someone's friggin' concubine...."
Kennedy: "What was that??"
Willow: "Ah..uh, heheh, nothing dear..."
Anya: "Whatever, I think I'm gonna wear sexier stuff or dye my hair some more or, or try to have sex with Spike again. Something should work!!"
Audience: "Say, why are you even here? You don't even like the Scoobies much. You're not with Xander, not a demon any more, you dislike Buffy.."
Anya: "W-well, you know, D'Hoffryn put a price on my head. He 'decided to take me out after all'. I need to be here for my safety."
Audience: "The guy who made that big scary point about 'NEVER going for the KILL when you can go for PAIN'? That guy?"
Anya: "Uhm, yes....."
Audience: "Suddenly changed his mind."
Anya: "Uh....."
Audience: "And is of course known for hiring incompetent, low-rent demon thugs.."
Anya: "....."
Audience: "And couldn't he most likely just kill you with a snap of his fingers??"
Anya: "........don't you like me?"
Audience: (stares at shoes) "We're sorry Anya, we really like you. Whatever keeps you around. We'll just...go with it. We're getting good at that lately. Now say something funny about sex or how everyone's gonna die!!."
Anya: "No prob!"
Buffy: "Ahem, later! Now it's time for another speech: Ok, you suck. And you. And you. And you. You all suck. Except for me. I don't suck."
Spike: "She used to...last season...hhmmmmm.....good times...."
Buffy: "Shut up! And stop thinking sexy happy thoughts! As I was saying, you all suck. You're all going to die and you deserve it. You should all make more sacrifices and work harder. You're all pathetic. I looked that word up in the dictionary and there was a group shot of all of you. You SiTs suck. You Scoobies suck. That lamp sucks."
Spike: "I'm outta here."
Buffy: "Not so fast! You suck too!"
Spike: "No I don't! You keep me around like a dog. I train the SiTs. I patrol with you. I suffer your ALMOST sexual innuendo and vague looks and your touching me in sensitive places, full of sexual undertones. And then after all that you just send me to the basement again! And I do it all! I do everything you ask!"
Buffy: "Yeah well, you still suck! Getting a soul! I like evil Spike better! At least he kicked ass."
Spike: "......I'm so confused........"
Buffy: "Anyhoo we're going to do a ritual where I meet some ancient Shaman guys who created the first Slayer."
The Shaman: (Or..er, Shamen..Shamans..what the hell): "Yeah we decided to make that girl a Slayer a zillion years ago."
Buffy: "Why a girl?"
Shamen: "Joss has this thing with feminism."
Buffy: "Not that again. Okay, why only ONE girl? World full of demons and only one girl. Doesn't make sense. Make an army!"
Shamen: (shrug) "We just didn't like the sound of the words 'matriarchal society'. Anyway, you need more power and we can give it. Kind of icky. It involves this black magic cloud entity that's going to crawl up your..."
Buffy: "WOAH! No way!"
Shamen: "Oh come on, you're wearing some ridiculous goth-frock thing! Everyone knows you only wear skirts and dresses these days when you're going to have sex of SOME sort."
Buffy: "That was season 6! And with a sexy naked Spike! With muscles! Unless that cloud thing can look like him...!"
Shamen: "Nah, pretty much gonna stay a dark, disgusting cloud thing. Well, we were sure that after all your speeches of everyone sacrificing more and doing whatever it takes to win..."
Buffy: "I was talking about THEM! Not ME! Blah!"
(Buffy resists and the Great Ancient Wise Mages, these sources of the Slayer Power in the Astral Plane.....uh, start hitting her....uh, with sticks.
Don't look at me. I didn't make it up. Anyway, back in Buffy's house a large demon kicks everyone's ass. It needs to be recaptured.)
Spike: "I'm the only supernaturally strong fighter present. I'll get it back here."
Kennedy: "Ohhh, now it's time for what may be my stupidest remark! Hey, Spike, you're super strong and have century-old battle experience and I'm just a teenage brat that does morning gymnastics but still: *I* should go instead of you cuz we SiTs are 'trained'!!!"
Spike: "Yeah...by me, for one."
Kennedy: "I didn't say it was my most logical remark did I?? Anyhoo, you're useless, I'M way better! You just got thrown through a ceiling!"
Spike: "Which would've turned you into a pile of pulp."
Kennedy: "SCOFF! This demon kicked your ass!!"
Spike: "Uhm, okay am I the only one who noticed she got tossed aside like a little rag doll just now? Where is she GETTING this 'I am so great' stuff? She hasn't done squat! Ever!"
Kennedy: "Shut up! Maggot! Drop and gimme 20!"
Spike: "Whatever. Boy, maybe Buffy is right. My old evil self would have eaten her by now."
Audience: "We'll pay to see that!!"
Spike: "Sorry, not in the script. Anyway, demon hunting now. I'll go get my coat since I left my spunk and pizzazz in the pockets or something. I left it on Buffy's stairs when I went to Africa. So that means it MUST now be in the school basement."
Audience: "Makes sense."
(Spike kicks the demons ass and gets his rocks back. After two-thirds of a season of him moping in dark cellars, it is refreshing.)
Spike: "TELL me about it!"
*********************
Willow: "Sorry Kennedy, my new love, that I used your energies for that spell. But you said you wanted to see me all powerful and magical..."
Kennedy: "Ewww you're scary and creepy! Stay away from me!"
Willow: "Uh..I thought you were so tough."
Kennedy: "That wasn't even like, COOL dark magic. I'm going into my bedroom now, closing the door on you. Cuz I apparently have my own room all of a sudden. Or I'm just locking you out of yours. Whatever. Bye."
Willow: "Uh...."
Audience: "Well at least finally something is DONE with this... 'relationship'. A falling out? Break up? Maybe she will get killed by Dark Willow??? Maybe? Pretty please??"
Joss: "Nah. And next week they'll be all lovey-dovey again like this never happened."
Audience: "AARRGGHH!!!"
***********************
Wood: "Grrr! Spike killed my mother. Time for me to actually have a reason to be around here! Grrrr!"
Giles: "Well I can finally touch things again, now that everyone knows I'm not the First. Was kind of difficult. Still, that gag I made about taking girls on a camping trip was funny."
Wood: "Yeah whatever. Look Spike is dangerous, let me kill him."
Giles: "Hm well he's still triggered, and Buffy is way to trusting of him. Not sure what she feels for him now."
Buffy: "Sigh, it's really simple. I defend him against everyone else. No one's allowed to touch him or say bad things about him. And at the same time I barely give him the time of day, except for barking orders and give my intense, unclear looks."
Spike: ".....pretty much sums it up. Maybe I should have had sex with Anya."
Wood: "Anyway, Giles, we do what we have to do. It's war!"
Giles: "Yes you're right. It's unpleasant but we must do what we must, not because we like it but because ours is a greater duty, and...."
Wood: "So, like, I wanna take a few hours beating him to death and torturing him and stuff. That okay?"
Giles: "Ah, sure."
Wood: "Woohoo!"
(Giles takes Buffy slaying and stalls her. Wood brings Spike to his place with the crosses.)
Spike: "Uh, why the crosses? I'm supposed to have a sleepover here! And er, looks kinda kinky and gothy...."
Wood: "Oh think nothing of it."
Spike: "And you're getting half naked now..."
Wood: "Just ignore it."
Spike: "And now you're putting on some medieval torture glove thing...."
Wood: "Pay no attention to it."
Spike: "Uh.....this isn't some kinky gay thing is it?? Not that there's anything WRONG with that, but..."
Wood: "You killed my mother and now I'll kill you!"
Spike: "Ah, no okay."
(Wood triggers Spike. Spike is distracted by his memories and Wood beats him. All of which works very therapeutic on Spike and he's cured and de- triggered. The following fight is pretty realistic, considering Spike's superior speed and strength: he kicks Wood's ass all over the place, tosses him around and bounces him off a wall or two. And a good time is had by all.)
**Wood glaring angrily as he lies crumpled in the corner.**
(Well, almost all.)
*************
TBC!
