SEASON 7 PARODY:
PART VI
** **
Faith: "Hey there, I heard this place needs a sexy gal!"
Spike: "And the first thing you do is beat me. Fitting. And kinda hot. And at least you wear tight leather pants. Buffy used to do that...sigh."
Faith: "Yeah well don't get used to it. The new wardrobe guy hates leather pants on girls. Didn't you notice all the weird crap Buffy has been wearing since the start of season 6? She used to wear leather all the time. Now it's stuff like that goth frock thing and weird torn frilly stuff."
Spike: "Yeah, I noticed... Although some of those skirt things DID come in handy last season.. But you, come on, you're the leather girl!"
Faith: "I know. But not anymore. This guy only put me in leather pants now because the script actually has you mentioning me wearing them. They'll be gone soon and then it'll just be sensible jeans."
Spike: "Damn!!"
Faith: "Don't blame me. I was wearing stuff like leather and vinyl all over the place. It's that guy...."
(All male audience member write down wardrobe guy's name and vow to hunt him down like a dog. )
Buffy: "Faith! Damn. The audience will notice her firm bod and realize I've been little more than a bag of bones for the last two seasons or so! And she and Spike are connecting!"
Spike: "With our fists!"
Buffy: "No matter! Too much! You can't have any connecting with other women. You're only allowed to sit in the cellar and mope over me!"
Spike: "I got my soul for this..?"
Buffy: "You catch on quick."
************* (Faith joins Spike in the cellar)
Faith: "Excuse me while I ooze sexuality out of every pore."
Spike: "No prob, I'll join you. Don't mind if I sit here nekkid-ish on the bed, barely covered with blankets do you?"
Faith: "Course not! Oww, let me have a cigarette in such a fashion that all the guys will be sweating before I reach the end of my first drag."
Spike: "Peachy. I'm just sitting here with my tussled curly hair. Still mostly naked. I think I'll pull sexy eyes. Can I have a cigarette too?"
Faith: "Wait, have mine. It has my shiny lipstick on it."
Spike: "Groovy. I'll suck on it in that manly sexy way. And I'll use my sultry voice. What shall we talk about?"
Faith: "Oohhh excuse me while I take my jacket off and stretch in my tight, tight shirt. That's better. Talk? Oh I think I'll tell you I haven't had any sex since I was in jail with a lot of other sex starved women."
Spike: "Talk on."
Faith: "Yeah and then I'll tell you about the kinky sex I used to have, fulfilling guys' naughty fantasies. How does the visual of me with a bullwhip strike you? You know whipping a naked guy before screwing his brains out.."
Spike: "Peachy. I happen to have a long history with that sorta thing. It's feminism. I'll comment on how you could do better....*nudge, nudge, wink, wink*"
Faith: "Oh yeahh, I could. Let me just be a little more suggestive about how I could use some lovin' right about now....while I'm talking to a naked sexy vampire who showed himself to be some sorta sex god last season."
Spike: "I'll worsen things by clearly getting what you mean, and clearly being very affected, but because of my puppy-loyalty to Buffy I'll look away. While continuing the talk in my sultry sexy voice."
Faith: "Sounds like a good time to strut over and crawl up beside your nekkid self in bed. Get a nice shot of my boobs in too."
Spike: "Peachy."
Faith: "Oh! I know! I'll bring up that time I was in Buffy's body and gave you that little speech."
Spike: "Perfect! What was it again.....ride me till my knees buckle...gallop..muscles I never even dreamed of...."
Faith: "Yeah and you 'popping' like 'warm champagne'....excuse me while I pucker my shiny lips before erotically sucking on this cigarette again....hmmmm....."
(Author's note: Ahem, Is it hot in here or is it just me?? Need a short break to take a very cold shower...be right back!)
Buffy: "AHEM! Stop all that sexual stuff right now! The ratings are dropping!"
Faith: "I kinda doubt that!"
Buffy: "Really, TVs have been overheating all over the country! Smoke coming out of them! No one's watching anymore at this point! Not to mention that by now most people were either 'doing it', or were having a little 'private moment' already anyway! And Spike is certainly not allowed THIS kinda connecting!"
Spike: "Didn't do nuthin'."
Buffy: "Bad dog! Is it so hard to remember? I need to know I could have sex with you whenever I want! So you sit in the cellar and mope over me!"
Spike: "Any point where we WILL have sex again?"
Buffy: "No! There will be no clear decisions from me this season about love, romance, relationships or sex! Get it through your head! And as for YOU, missy...!!"
Faith: "Hey, I'm just lying here, cuddled up to a hot nekkid vampire. That I could be having sweaty sex with right now if you hadn't butted in."
Audience: (frantically fixing their TVs) "We'll pay to see that!!!! It's certainly not gonna come from Buffy this season, so...pant, pant!"
Buffy: "NOT in the script! Now come on. We got stuff to do. An actual villain is showing up."
***************
Caleb: "I was unemployed when Firefly got cancelled but Joss likes me!"
Joss: "Ahem.."
Caleb: "Oh sorry. Right. Ahh, dirty li'l gals. Ah hate'em. Cut'em up! Slice'n dice!"
Joss: "That's better."
The First: "Yeah standing around talking big with your arms folded only gets you so far as a season villain...."
Caleb: "Yeah and I'm a misogynistic serial killer with clear neurotic tendencies about women and their sexuality! Perfect as a last opponent for the show's feministic themes!"
Joss: "Right on."
Buffy: (Arrives with her war party) "Hm, a priest. Interesting. Hey, don't I know you from that cancelled Sci-Fi show?"
Caleb: "Shut up!!! *WHAM!*"
(Buffy flies through the room like a rag doll. Spike attacks but fares little better. Faith ditto.)
Some SiT: "Uh oh...he decked Buffy with one blow and beats up the others like they're nothing! This is not good. They're establishing him as a big threat! And we're lowly SiT's with barely two lines to our unclear names! We're going to die!"
Some other SiT: "Ulp! Yeah, just like the nameless crew members in those Sci-Fi shows."
Caleb: "Shut UP about Sci-Fi shows already!! *CRACK* *SNAP*."
(kills some girls, breaks an arm here, a neck there. You know...)
Xander: "I will save the day! Like last season- GULP" (Caleb grabs him)
Caleb: "Yeah, you know how this is the final season and we're near the end and shocking things are bound to happen?"
Xander: "Err....."
Caleb: "Well this would be one of them....." (Sticks his thumb in Xander's eye and pops it like a grape.)
Xander: "AAAAHHHHH!!"
Audience: "AAAAHHHHH!!" (all squirm on couch.)
Joss: "Oh yeah..I'm a mean bastard. But you knew that."
***********
TBC!
PART VI
** **
Faith: "Hey there, I heard this place needs a sexy gal!"
Spike: "And the first thing you do is beat me. Fitting. And kinda hot. And at least you wear tight leather pants. Buffy used to do that...sigh."
Faith: "Yeah well don't get used to it. The new wardrobe guy hates leather pants on girls. Didn't you notice all the weird crap Buffy has been wearing since the start of season 6? She used to wear leather all the time. Now it's stuff like that goth frock thing and weird torn frilly stuff."
Spike: "Yeah, I noticed... Although some of those skirt things DID come in handy last season.. But you, come on, you're the leather girl!"
Faith: "I know. But not anymore. This guy only put me in leather pants now because the script actually has you mentioning me wearing them. They'll be gone soon and then it'll just be sensible jeans."
Spike: "Damn!!"
Faith: "Don't blame me. I was wearing stuff like leather and vinyl all over the place. It's that guy...."
(All male audience member write down wardrobe guy's name and vow to hunt him down like a dog. )
Buffy: "Faith! Damn. The audience will notice her firm bod and realize I've been little more than a bag of bones for the last two seasons or so! And she and Spike are connecting!"
Spike: "With our fists!"
Buffy: "No matter! Too much! You can't have any connecting with other women. You're only allowed to sit in the cellar and mope over me!"
Spike: "I got my soul for this..?"
Buffy: "You catch on quick."
************* (Faith joins Spike in the cellar)
Faith: "Excuse me while I ooze sexuality out of every pore."
Spike: "No prob, I'll join you. Don't mind if I sit here nekkid-ish on the bed, barely covered with blankets do you?"
Faith: "Course not! Oww, let me have a cigarette in such a fashion that all the guys will be sweating before I reach the end of my first drag."
Spike: "Peachy. I'm just sitting here with my tussled curly hair. Still mostly naked. I think I'll pull sexy eyes. Can I have a cigarette too?"
Faith: "Wait, have mine. It has my shiny lipstick on it."
Spike: "Groovy. I'll suck on it in that manly sexy way. And I'll use my sultry voice. What shall we talk about?"
Faith: "Oohhh excuse me while I take my jacket off and stretch in my tight, tight shirt. That's better. Talk? Oh I think I'll tell you I haven't had any sex since I was in jail with a lot of other sex starved women."
Spike: "Talk on."
Faith: "Yeah and then I'll tell you about the kinky sex I used to have, fulfilling guys' naughty fantasies. How does the visual of me with a bullwhip strike you? You know whipping a naked guy before screwing his brains out.."
Spike: "Peachy. I happen to have a long history with that sorta thing. It's feminism. I'll comment on how you could do better....*nudge, nudge, wink, wink*"
Faith: "Oh yeahh, I could. Let me just be a little more suggestive about how I could use some lovin' right about now....while I'm talking to a naked sexy vampire who showed himself to be some sorta sex god last season."
Spike: "I'll worsen things by clearly getting what you mean, and clearly being very affected, but because of my puppy-loyalty to Buffy I'll look away. While continuing the talk in my sultry sexy voice."
Faith: "Sounds like a good time to strut over and crawl up beside your nekkid self in bed. Get a nice shot of my boobs in too."
Spike: "Peachy."
Faith: "Oh! I know! I'll bring up that time I was in Buffy's body and gave you that little speech."
Spike: "Perfect! What was it again.....ride me till my knees buckle...gallop..muscles I never even dreamed of...."
Faith: "Yeah and you 'popping' like 'warm champagne'....excuse me while I pucker my shiny lips before erotically sucking on this cigarette again....hmmmm....."
(Author's note: Ahem, Is it hot in here or is it just me?? Need a short break to take a very cold shower...be right back!)
Buffy: "AHEM! Stop all that sexual stuff right now! The ratings are dropping!"
Faith: "I kinda doubt that!"
Buffy: "Really, TVs have been overheating all over the country! Smoke coming out of them! No one's watching anymore at this point! Not to mention that by now most people were either 'doing it', or were having a little 'private moment' already anyway! And Spike is certainly not allowed THIS kinda connecting!"
Spike: "Didn't do nuthin'."
Buffy: "Bad dog! Is it so hard to remember? I need to know I could have sex with you whenever I want! So you sit in the cellar and mope over me!"
Spike: "Any point where we WILL have sex again?"
Buffy: "No! There will be no clear decisions from me this season about love, romance, relationships or sex! Get it through your head! And as for YOU, missy...!!"
Faith: "Hey, I'm just lying here, cuddled up to a hot nekkid vampire. That I could be having sweaty sex with right now if you hadn't butted in."
Audience: (frantically fixing their TVs) "We'll pay to see that!!!! It's certainly not gonna come from Buffy this season, so...pant, pant!"
Buffy: "NOT in the script! Now come on. We got stuff to do. An actual villain is showing up."
***************
Caleb: "I was unemployed when Firefly got cancelled but Joss likes me!"
Joss: "Ahem.."
Caleb: "Oh sorry. Right. Ahh, dirty li'l gals. Ah hate'em. Cut'em up! Slice'n dice!"
Joss: "That's better."
The First: "Yeah standing around talking big with your arms folded only gets you so far as a season villain...."
Caleb: "Yeah and I'm a misogynistic serial killer with clear neurotic tendencies about women and their sexuality! Perfect as a last opponent for the show's feministic themes!"
Joss: "Right on."
Buffy: (Arrives with her war party) "Hm, a priest. Interesting. Hey, don't I know you from that cancelled Sci-Fi show?"
Caleb: "Shut up!!! *WHAM!*"
(Buffy flies through the room like a rag doll. Spike attacks but fares little better. Faith ditto.)
Some SiT: "Uh oh...he decked Buffy with one blow and beats up the others like they're nothing! This is not good. They're establishing him as a big threat! And we're lowly SiT's with barely two lines to our unclear names! We're going to die!"
Some other SiT: "Ulp! Yeah, just like the nameless crew members in those Sci-Fi shows."
Caleb: "Shut UP about Sci-Fi shows already!! *CRACK* *SNAP*."
(kills some girls, breaks an arm here, a neck there. You know...)
Xander: "I will save the day! Like last season- GULP" (Caleb grabs him)
Caleb: "Yeah, you know how this is the final season and we're near the end and shocking things are bound to happen?"
Xander: "Err....."
Caleb: "Well this would be one of them....." (Sticks his thumb in Xander's eye and pops it like a grape.)
Xander: "AAAAHHHHH!!"
Audience: "AAAAHHHHH!!" (all squirm on couch.)
Joss: "Oh yeah..I'm a mean bastard. But you knew that."
***********
TBC!
