SEASON 7 PARODY:

PART VI

** **

Buffy: "Okay that thing with that priest guy didn't go too well. Ahem, sorry about that. But I've seen the light! We shall go BACK! In exactly the same way, with the same idea. But this time I got a 'hunch'. So that's a big difference."

Everyone: "Uhm, you could be right about the hunch, sure but...uhm, maybe a slightly different approach?"

Buffy: "Nah."

Everyone: "Uhm, maybe play it sly and sneaky this time, scouting the place out instead of waltzing in again?"

Buffy: "Nah, just like the last time. Seemed good to me."

Everyone: "......."

Buffy: "What? You dare disobey me?? You all suck! I rule. Do as I say. Blah! Blahblahgeneralblah. Blahleadertiblah!!"

Everyone: "That was one speech too many. Election time!"

Buffy: "What?? Come on Xander, it's not like you lost BOTH eyes! And we've still got plenty of annoying girls left!"

Everyone: "Yer outta here."

Buffy: "Uh, okay as leaders go I've had a few ups and downs but isn't this a bit much all of a sudden?"

Dawn: "Being your little sister, I have the power and authori-theye to throw you out of your own house."

Buffy: "Whaat? In what universe? This house is in my name! I live here! Everyone here is a guest! I've been taking you deadbeats in for a year now! And you're not even really my sister! You don't like me or my plans, how about everyone BUT me leaves!??"

Everyone: "Hmmm. No, we like the first idea better."

Buffy: "Woah, can't argue with that. Guess I'm outta here."

************

Spike: "Soo where's Buffy?"

Faith: "We kicked her out. Now let's get it on."

Spike: "Wuh?"

Faith: "Well we're not gonna be having any sex, so let's do the next best thing."

Spike: "Right. *WHAM*!"

(Spike and Faith fight but it doesn't turn into a 'Smashed' thing....And even though I'm as Spuffy as they come, part of me still kinda regrets it. I'm a guy. Sue me. Faith is hot.

And Spike could at least have made Buffy a little jealous with Faith. Which I would've liked to see. IMHO Buffy's a walking fridge to him this season. I think I actually saw a light go on in her mouth once when she talked. Anyhoo...)

**************

Faith: "Well, I didn't ask for this but I'll do my best to lead.."

Kennedy: "Shut up! Don't you know we voted for you so that *I* could be in charge??? What are you, stupid?"

Faith: "Yo, can I feed her to Spike? If I run I could still catch him. I'm sure he hasn't eaten in a while. That okay?"

Joss: "Nope."

Faith: "Bummer. Anyway, let's go catch a Bringer to question him. Hmm, we need bait. Oh, whoever shall we use???"

Kennedy: "Uh what's everyone looking at me for??"

Audience: (Grins) "Well, so far we like Faith's leadership...."

(Kennedy is used as bait to catch a Bringer. Unfortunately, they catch him before he kills her.)

Audience: "Damn! Couldn't they have moved in a little later?? They still would have caught him! Now we'll never be rid of her..*sigh*."

Faith: "Hey, yo! I, like, tried. Y'knowuhmsayin'?? Word up!"

Audience: "Yeahhhh, that's another thing. Why does Faith suddenly talk like Ice Cube this season?"

Joss: "Uh, she picked it up in prison?"

Audience: "Fine, we'll go with it.... We'll go with it....."

Male audience members: "But we're never forgiving you for the leather pants thing!!"

Joss: "Ah, but have I got a surprise in store! This ep, tonight, everyone has SEX! Don't say I never gave you people anything."

Audience: "Woohoo!!"

Spike: "Woohooo!! Finally! And so fitting. Just as I found Buffy in that house, and give her that speech where I show her the kind of love, support and genuine, heart-breaking devotion that would make a stone cry....."

Stone on the ground: "And he ain't just whistling Dixie either....Oh man...*snff*"

Joss: "Did I say 'everyone'? Sorry about that, Spike. Everyone but you."

Spike: "......this isn't funny anymore."

Buffy: "Hey, look on the bright side, you sit at my feet in worshipful attitude, I give you more mixed signals, confusing, intense looks and we get to cuddle."

Spike: "That's great but couldn't we cuddle *afterwards*?"

Joss: "No. Now get cuddling. And Buffy, make sure that when you hold him while he sleeps you just stare at him like you're not sure what kind of bug he is. No kiss on the head, no fingers stroking his hair..nothing like that. Got it?"

Buffy: "Okidoki."

Spike: "THIS ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE!!"

Joss: "I work in mysterious ways. Now, basically everyone else: have sex!"

Wood: "Woohoo! Jungle fevah after all!"

Faith: "It'll do I guess. But really, after my basement scene with Spike.."

Audience: "....even having actual sex with Wood pales in comparison. And why on earth does she keep her bra on?? Yeah, nah, sorry, doesn't quite work. What else you got?"

Joss: "Well, Xander and Anya have sex too."

Audience: "Aww, that's nice. Most of us know by now that she's a goner, so...."

Anya: "What??"

Joss: "Nothing, hehe. They don't know what they're talking about. Go have sex."

Audience: "Riiiight. Anyway, it's sweet, but not really 'smoldering'. Xander kind of looks like somebody's uncle by now. What else you got?"

Joss: "Well there's the first recorded lesbian sex scene on network TV with Willow and....."

Audience: "DON'T SAY THAT NAME!"

Joss: "Uh..did I mention Kennedy has a tongue piercing?"

Kennedy: "Yeahhhh and isn't it cool how I'm 'in charge' here? Like Willow is actually the inexperienced younger girl that I teach the ways of luuvin..come here li'l girl...come to Kennedy...."

Audience: "Urrrglll!!!!! When..does..the hurting..stop?? Pleaase, does it finally end with Kennedy ripped to bits by Dark Willow??"

Joss: "For the last time NO, Kennedy's here to stay."

Audience: "Urggllllll!!!! For an ep with so much sex this is oddly unsatisfying."

Joss: "There's just no pleasing you people!"

**********

Buffy: "Well, Spike served his purpose. He gave me strength and courage and restored my faith in myself. There's only one reaction to that."

(Buffy leaves Spike to wake alone like he was a hooker. The only thing missing is some dollar bills on the night stand. And, of course, the sex. Also missing. She leaves him a note. We don't learn what it says. Could be a grocery list for all we know. Hell it probably is. "We're out of milk!")

Buffy: "I am back at the vineyard all alone!"

Caleb: "Okay, considering I kicked your ass several times already, even when you had an army with you, how is this NOT gonna end with you beaten to a pulp!?"

Buffy: "I dunno. Just is."

(Caleb tries to hit Buffy, and I guess she tries to dodge him and not let him lay a hand on her rather than try to fight him. I think that's the idea but I'm not really sure because she mainly looks like she almost falls over a couple of times. Really, the fight scenes over in 'Angel' are far better choreographed lately.)

Buffy: "Cool, I survived and got this ax!"

Joss: "It's a scythe."

Buffy: "Uhm, it's really not. This is an ax. It's a scythe when the blade comes out of the handle at almost a 90 degree angle and it has...."

Joss: "IT'S A SCYTHE!"

Buffy: "Fine, fine. Jeez. But erm, I don't get it, if Caleb and the First didn't want me to have this, and they can't wield it themselves, why did they even dig it up?"

Caleb: "Uh...."

Buffy: "I didn't even know it existed so if you'd just left it buried...."

The First: "She has a point.."

Joss: "*Ahem* come on people, we have more to do. Can't stand around yapping all day."

** **

TBC!