SEASON 7 PARODY:

PART IX A look at the first half of 'Chosen'

(WARNING: For some people that don't know cuz they live on the moon, there are some spoilers in here about Angel Season 5. Just so you know. But really, we all know by now, right?)

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(Caleb gets up and knocks Angel out, and he and Buffy start fighting again. For some reason Spike still stands behind the pillar and doesn't do a damn thing. This time the fight ends with Buffy planting the blade in Caleb's gonads. Ouch.)

Caleb: "Urgll. This must be that feminism thing Spike was talking about."

Buffy: "Yep!"

(She chops him in half. Anyway, NOW Spike leaves.)

Buffy: "Oh Angel, let me bask in your presence!"

Angel: "I smell Spike on you!"

Audience: "He can smell Spike on her...but couldn't hear or smell him when he was standing 5 feet away from him in the same room??"

Angel: "Do you love him? Is he your new boyfriend?"

Buffy: "No. Having said that, let me add you shouldn't get crazy every time I have a NEW BOYFRIEND!"

Angel: "I'm so confused."

Audience: "Aren't we all..."

Buffy: "I don't think about the future anyway but I right now don't see me and Spike having fat grand children together."

Audience: (*Rolls over the floor with laughter at the notion that the offspring of Spike and Buffy could have any body fat whatsoever.*)

Buffy: "But it's none of your business how close I am to Spike now and what I've done with him. And he has a soul now."

Angel: "I was first! In uh, more ways than one. Ahem."

Buffy: "Yes, and let me ignore that remark about you popping my cherry by pointing out that you got your soul FORCED on you. About 3 times by now, where Spike actually went out to get his soul voluntarily. Out of love for me."

Angel: "Grumble. If you wanna put it like THAT...... So you DO love him?"

Buffy: "He's in my heart."

Angel: "What does that mean??"

Buffy: "Who the hell knows."

Angel: "Am *I* in your heart?"

Buffy: "Hmmm, with you I'd more say: 'I still have deep feelings for you and probably always will'."

Angel: "Groan...come on now. Do you love Spike or me??"

Audience: "Yes for frag's sake!! SAY something!" (Spuffies and Bangels both go nuts.)

Buffy: "Sorry, this is season 7, I am not capable of being clear about love, romance, relationships or sex. I think Joss doesn't want to piss off either shipper camp. Let me give you a little speech about this......"

Angel: "Oh no..."

Buffy: "What? You don't like my speeches either?"

Angel: "Can't comment on your latest ones, but let's see. First time we got separated I went to hell. When I came back you gave me this big speech on how your new boyfriend "Scott" was just sooo great and so much BETTER for you than me...."

Audience: "Don't feel too bad. He dumped her right away."

Angel: "And later when I went to LA and we met again, you gave me another little speech on how much better RILEY was for you and how much more you trusted him than me, and how HAPPY you were!"

Audience: "Yeah, left her too."

Angel: "So no! I don't like your speeches much!"

Buffy: "Oh, but this speech is different! It's about cookie dough."

Angel: "...Wuh?"

Buffy: "Really, it works. It means I'm not 'done baking yet'. The philosophy behind it allows me to just 'sample' guys like you and Spike, and get all the sex and the kissing and the cuddling I need without having to commit to either one of you. It's popular among frat boys too I hear. But let me give you a vague cryptic hint that maybe one day you could be with me again. But then again maybe not. Keeping you guys on a string is a big part of Cookie Dough Philosophy."

Angel: "Gotcha. I'm beginning to remember why I left for LA. Going back there now."

Spike: "I wanna do that too! Can I??"

Angel: "Maybe later."

**************

Spike: "I saw you with Angel and you smell like him! Excuse me while I punch the crap out of this punching bag with an Angel drawing on it."

Audience: "Now THIS is funny stuff."

Buffy: "Hey, quit the jealous ranting. I live by the Cookie Dough Philosophy so I can do whatever I want. Speaking of what I want, any chance of you and Angel wrestling naked with some kinda oil involved?"

Female part of the audience: "We'll pay to see THAT!!!"

Spike: "Maybe next season of 'Angel'."

Female part of the audience: *shivers with anticipation*

Buffy: "Here's an amulet that cold possibly kill you. Now after having been caught kissing Angel I want more cuddling from you."

Spike: "Let me briefly do an imitation of a guy with an ounce of pride before I give you exactly what you want and don't deserve."

Buffy: "See? Cookie Dough Philosophy works!"

**************

(Faith has her scene with Wood. It is so funny I can't spoof a damn thing about it. 'Enthused'..cracks me up every time.)

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Buffy: "I have a plan. All you SiTs will have to make a decision. It's important and the effects will reach all over the world and into the future."

Kennedy: "Will I be boss!!??"

Buffy: "Sigh....no but you may have to kill Willow."

Audience: "Noooo, you're confused! We requested that vice versa!!"

(Everyone goes to the school. Heartfelt looks, almost-goodbyes and a little moment of the four core-characters standing together. Ah, has it really been 7 years already..)

Buffy: "Alright. Here we go. We opened the Hellmouth and now Willow does her magic thing spreading the Slayer power and my brilliant plan will lead us to victory!"

Audience: "So that's your plan? Instead of two Slayers, a bunch of girls and one vampire vs. THOUSANDS of Ubervamps, you now have a DOZEN Slayers and one vampire vs. THOUSANDS of Ubervamps?? Do you notice you didn't actually change the odds all that much there?"

Buffy: "Okay well, if you want to put it like THAT..."

Audience: "Or did you figure al those new Slayers around the world would instantly come running? They have no idea about what's going on here or even what happened to them. And you did have that vision of how many Ubervamps there were down here right? It's not like it's a surprise to you."

Buffy: (pouts)"......maybe I forgot...."

Audience: "Sweet girl, not that bright."

Buffy: "Hey now! We have that amulet thingie Spike is wearing!"

Audience: "Which is nothing you planned on. And you don't even know what it does yet, if it does anything at all. No really, this was your plan? Because honestly, those handful of girls you turned into Slayers are still as green as grass. And earlier you could barely even defeat ONE of those vamps."

Buffy: ".....shut up."

(Willow does the spell. Ah well, at least she did SOMETHING this season. The white hair moment. She says "Oh my goddess." Which should really make a lot of FanFic writers happy who've had her saying "Goddess!!" at every other turn for years already. At least now she actually said it on the show once.

The battle starts and the Ubervamps are suddenly very weak. As said, earlier it took Buffy forever to kill even one, but now suddenly even powerless Anya can kill 2 in as many seconds. Still, cool fight scenes.)

Anya: "WOW! Look at me go! URCKKK!!"

(Anya gets chopped in half.)

Audience: "OWWW! Man! That was HARSH!"

Joss: "Really? I actually mellowed that down a bit from my earlier ideas. Like the one where the Ubervamps get her and they...."

Audience: "We DON'T want to KNOW!"

**********

TBC! OK I know I said this would be concluded now but this got away from me, so it's not finished yet. But what I had was usual chapter length so I thought I'd post it and not have everyone wait. So NEXT time REALLY the end.

No, really.

Sowwy.