SEASON 7 PARODY:

PART X (Final Chapter. Really.)

(WARNING: Same warning as last time. There are some minor spoilers in here about Angel Season 5. But honestly if you are surprised by it you've been living under a rock.)

** ** Spike: "Here we go then. Time for my grand finale."

(The amulet starts to work. Spike stands in the light and Ubervamp legions are dusted, the Hellmouth starts to cave. Faith and the SiTs that are left get the hell out.

Kennedy is among them. Thousands of Ubervamps and not even one could bite her head off...but let's not dwell on it. I didn't write this.

Anyway, Buffy runs to Spike. She is actually caring and almost seems loving. The flames-on-the-hand moment. As we all remember from personal experience no doubt, everyone in the audience with a pulse gets pretty much choked up at this point. Buffy speaks...)

Buffy: "I love you."

Spike: "Like I can really buy THAT by now...."

Buffy: *Utter silence and intense emotional look* (Which emotion is completely unclear. As usual.)

Spike: "To the very end.....yeah I KNOW those looks by now. Please, just go. Being in love with you makes turning to dust seem like an appealing alternative."

Buffy (runs off): "Why did he say that? And why didn't he believe that I really love him? I gave him the best vague looks of my life!"

(Spike stays behind, alone. He turns to dust with a final grin. Anyone with a pulse in the audience starts sniffing. Really, you should've seen me and my wife. Well, she was worse than I....obviously. I mean.....you know.

Good thing we were at the Los Angeles Buffy Bash when we saw it. It's helps when an entire crowd around you is sniffing too.

Afterwards, Sunnydale is a big crater. Buffy & Co stand at the edge and are pretty chipper for people who just lost a few friends, not to mention their homes and everything they own. Oh and Buffy's gaping gut wound is apparently not all that bothersome.

The final shot is of Buffy. Take a moment. Yes I know it's actually yet another vague look, but let's face it, it's still Buffy. And anyone reading this knows we're all still fans. What're ya gonna do...)

Joss: "Whew. That was it. A lot of work. And of course the final episode is NOT two hours long as was rumored very early on and I didn't really have time to properly deal with things. So Xander just had time for a funny remark about Anya's tragic death. And Spike's magnificent sacrifice got one word. Exactly. ('Spike..') But at least now my master plan is revealed with Kennedy."

Audience: "We can't wait to hear this one....."

Joss: "Hey you always complain I'm so cruel and have every happy couple meet some disastrous end."

Audience: "Nahhh, what makes you say that? Oh wait:

Buffy / Angel: One big mess,

Giles / Jenny: One dead.

Xander / Cordelia: Broken up

Willow / Oz: Broken up.

Buffy / Riley: Broken up. (Which was..survivable.)

Willow / Tara: One dead,

Xander and Anya: broken up and maimed AND dead,

Buffy / Spike: Don't even get us started on how messy THAT got! Oh, and dead."

Joss: "Well, here we have at least ONE happy couple at the end. You may thank me now."

Audience: "(Sharpens knives) So for THIS we had Willow reduced to crap-all this season? So she could end up in the most hated relationship of the show!? Of all those couples THIS is the one you have at the end?? "

Joss: "You're welcome! Anything else? Ah of course, I ended with that beautiful notion of feminism. All those empowered girls"

Audience: "Yeah, was fitting. We can't help wondering though, if female crime is gonna be on the rise now, hehe. Maybe a sudden increase of girl- gangs or battered husbands!"

Joss: "Just my kind of feminism..hmmm strong beautiful women that beat you....Ahem! Anyway, that's about it. Think it worked. Okay, a FEW loose ends, lapses in logic and inconsistencies. But you've pointed them out by now...ahem...."

Audience: "SOME of them. There are actually a lot of little things left. Like how in the flashbacks of S7, 'Spike-as-William' looked totally different from the S5 flashbacks. Even though it was supposed to be the same guy in the same couple of days. Completely different hair anyone? Or how Buffy even knew that Faith and the SiTs were in that exact spot in the sewers. And really wasn't it a lot safer if they'd done the Slayer Power Spell FIRST? Before they went inside the Hellmouth? To see if it actually worked? Or how earlier, Wood could look at Spike in his rear view MIRROR in the car. Or......."

Joss: "Guys....have a heart."

Audience: "Fine, fine. You DID still create some damn classic TV in the past 7 years....we'll let up."

Joss: "Phew. Ok anything else I should touch upon? Nah, I gotta leave stuff open in case that 'Buffy: The Movie' deal ever happens."

Sarah Michelle Gellar: "Sorry Joss, I'm done. I've started a new stage in my career with an exciting new movie franchise: 'Scooby Doo'. It will soon take it's place next to 'Lord of the Rings', 'Star Wars' and the 'Godfather' as one of history's great cinema epics."

Alyson Hannigan: "Yeah, I'm in a great franchise too! You know, the one about those horny teenage boys who screw pies and pee on each other!! In it I do great things like give blowjobs under tables and tell stories about sticking a flute up my..."

Nicholas Brendon: "Now me! I will have my own sitcom called 'The Pool at Maddy Breakers'!! What......? Already cancelled? But...but..it didn't even start yet.."

Eliza Dushku: "And I will be the star of a new show where I, like help a new dead person every week by reliving the last day. So it's like 'Touched by an Early Edition on Groundhog Day!' Uh, or something. It will do great! I'm only up against 'Survivor', 'Scrubs' and the final season of 'Friends', so no prob there!"

Joss: "They'll be back.....all of them....oh yeah."

Kristy Swanson: "Uh...I'M available? Joss? Remember me? If you wanna do a new 'Buffy' movie..."

Joss: "........"

Iyari Limon: "Forget that! I got my proposal here for the KENNEDY SPIN OFF! Woohoo!!"

Joss: "......."

Kristy & Iyari: "Joss?"

Joss: (Runs to car. Starts engine and drives off with screeching tires.) "Lalalala didn't hear anything, lalalala..."

**********

Epilogue.

Spike: "Pffff what a year. Now I'm just gonna lie here on this cloud, until it's time to get resurrected again in 'Angel'. Cool beans. Hopefully there'll be more to my character than just moping over Buffy. Chances of us ending up together are not to great by now I guess. Man, never even once had sex with her again. At least I don't think so. There WAS that weird scene where she comes to me in the basement and we just stare at each other before Joss cuts to black. What was THAT supposed to be? Giving Spuffies something to speculate about I guess..... Otherwise, Season Sex was more fun for me in a couple of ways. But anyway, LA here I come! Please, no more trouble with blond haired women for this vampire for a while!"

Harmony: "Blondie beeeaaar, guess who's gonna be on 'Angel' tooo? And I feel we really need to talk about how we broke up!"

Buffy: "Yeah and you KNOW I'm gonna be visiting at some point, most likely to tease both you and Angel a bit before I take off again....It'll be sweet. I'm already practicing cryptic lines and vague looks so I'll have enough for both of you!!"

Spike: "........bollocks!!"

** **

THE END

AN: Alrighty that was it. Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I'm glad so many people liked it since I was a tad nervous about it. Some people hate to see anything 'Buffy' being spoofed, because it's 'sacrilege' or something. I was half expecting to be flamed into next Thursday! So, pleasantly surprised. We all had some issues with S7 I guess....;-) It was maybe a teensy bit more spoofable than some other seasons.

But then I've had some issues with almost every season. Unavoidable. And since this was a lot of fun to write I'm considering spoofing another season. Would that be a good idea? Or are older seasons water under the bridge by now? Lemme know what you all think.

BTW once last time let me state I didn't 'hate' season 7 or anything. There was plenty good and funny stuff. I just had a ...few.... points to make about it. Ahem. And even a flawed Buffy season still beats the crap out of practically all other TV anyway. Big Buffy fan, never doubt it.

Also, I make fun, but I wish all the actors who've moved on all the best. And I'm gonna watch Eliza's "Tru" and hope it's good. I just don't think it has a very big chance. Ahem. What I'm REALLY looking forward to however is the last bastion of the Buffyverse, 'Angel'. Him and Spike together on a show should be fun!

Gonna shut up now. Oy what an annoyingly long Author's Note. Dontcha hate those?

Guys?

Hello?