*Runs back to FF. net with the chapter, tripping over a cord in the living room* Puff, puff, I'm here, I'm here with Chapter 13.
Which disk was it on? *looks over the scattered disks on the floor, selects one* Oh well, if this isn't chapter 13 then I'm screwed as well as you are. Wait, look below. Yeah, it says 'Chapter 13- Confessions', so that's it. Now I'll get out of here so you can read.


Chapter 13-
Confessions

Hitomi gazed at the door for a long while. She knew that she shouldn't stay; this was a monastery for men. But she couldn't seem to move. After several moments frozen in this way, she jumped when a monk approached her.

"Excuse me, miss." he said quietly. Hitomi nodded, although she still felt a little frazzled at not noticing him there. The monk had his head buried inside his hood and she couldn't see his face because he was hunched over. "Would you please follow me." he gestured with his hand for her to come, and she quickly did, glancing back at the door as she did. As she followed him, Hitomi found herself wondering. Why did this man have his hood up? None of the other monks were afraid to show their faces, so why did he feel the need to? But she kept her thoughts to herself as he led her to the stable, where her horse had already been watered and fed. The friendly monk gave her a basket of food that he had been carrying.

"Have a safe journey." he waved to her as she mounted. Hitomi smiled, grateful for his generosity. Tying the bag to the saddle, she set off, to where she wasn't sure yet. However, despite her uncertainty, she seemed to be heading to Asturia, where she knew she would be welcomed. Whenever she thought of the faces of the people of Fanelia, her heart seemed to wrench. She didn't want to tell them that their king may be abdicating. With these thoughts in mind, Hitomi travelled, thinking about what Van would be doing now.

Before long, Hitomi reached Asturia, feeling very lonely. The journey had felt longer than it actually was, but it was in fact only a few hours. She was unsure what it would be like to just show up in Asturia without warning like this, but as she approached Palas, she knew there was no other place for her. As Hitomi made her way up to the palace, she was greeted with surprise by the guards.

"Miss Hitomi! We thought you had returned to Fanelia just awhile ago?!" She smiled at them, not answering their question. Instead she asked, "Is everyone here? I need someone to talk to." The guards glanced at each other, but upon turning to her, they nodded, and opened the doors for her. She walked in, glancing around the palace once again, as if it were her first time here again. However, Hitomi knew where she would go. She just knew where she would find everyone at once.

Although she didn't know how she knew, Hitomi found everyone in the library. Dryden, Millerna, Allen, and some of Allen's men stood there, and turned to the girl who entered. Hitomi, still feeling down about Van's decision, didn't say anything while they looked at her, but rather, she gazed down at the floor.

"Hitomi? Are you all right?" Millerna asked as she approached her. Hitomi looked up, finally discovering that her voice could make words. "Van is..." she whispered. Dryden nodded.

"We know what Van's done." he replied. "We have to convince him he's making a mistake if he abdicates the throne." He glanced at the book he was holding. "I don't get it. No king abdicates without good reason. Van must have lost his mind because of his wife's death."

For some reason, what Dryden said made her feel angry. If Van wanted to abdicate, that was his decision, wasn't it? "Dryden." Hitomi said. He looked up. "I don't think you would understand why Van wants to do this. To you, it seems like he's being foolish and selfish, but I- I don't think so!" she shouted the last sentence, surprising everyone in the room, much less Dryden. Hitomi watched as he made his way to her, closing his book as he did.

"I guess a blind idiot like me wouldn't understand what's going on in Van's mind. I look at everything in life from a book's perspective and don't see what's going on in real life." he explained. "I'm sorry, Hitomi." She tried to smile, to assure him that it was all right, but all she could manage was a slight upturn of her lips. Millerna spoke.

"Hitomi. We'll help you through this, don't worry. But what will you do afterward?" she asked, "Where will you stay if Van decides not to come back as the reigning king of Fanelia?" Hitomi stood up straight. She had been thinking about answers to these questions for a long time, but she could only answer thus:

"I don't know." Millerna glanced from Dryden to Allen, none of whom could offer support. She leaned over to look down at Hitomi. "If you want to stay in Asturia, we'll be more than happy to have you." Hitomi finally managed a smile at Millerna's offer. "Thank you." she said. "I accept." When she glanced at Allen, who had remained silent until then, he nodded in her direction. She nodded back, and he took her hand and led her up to her room.

Even as he led her up to her room, Hitomi felt different about him. The way he carried her up the stairs made it evident to her that he had moved on. Hitomi felt that way as well. He felt more like a fatherly figure to her now. She didn't know how this had happened between them, but for some reason, it took a load off Hitomi's shoulders. When they reached her room, Allen faced her. She looked up at him, feeling a little nervous. However, he only reached for her hand and led her inside. Hitomi was surprised at his meekness. Usually Allen was pretty hard to resist, and got pretty fiery with the ladies. But now, what had happened?

"Hitomi, if it wasn't for the respect I feel for Van and care I feel for you, I'd kill him for doing this to you." he said. Hitomi smiled in spite of what he said, and only replied, "That's all right, Allen." He bowed to her and left, rather quickly, or at least Hitomi thought. She walked over to the window and opened the shutters. Placing her hands on her chin, she gazed out at Asturia, which was bustling with activity. Things felt slow for her. She felt slow to recover from Faye's death, from Van's decision, and from Allen's sudden withdrawal from her. It had all happened in the last two weeks. Hitomi thought that, when she came back to Gaea, everything would be as she had left it. She had left a peaceful Gaea, but now it seemed to be in turmoil again, or at least everything she remembered seemed that way. She knew that Van may well never decide to come back; that thought caused her pain, but surely she could at least visit him? Resting her head on her arms, she promised that she would do that some time soon. The afternoon sun dappled across her body as Hitomi closed her eyes and fell asleep.

. . .

Van was in his room, trying to get used to the dim surroundings. He knew very well that monks did not have a comfortable lifestyle, but he knew he would get used to it eventually. He wasn't concerned about himself, however. Van still thought about Hitomi's face as she had left him. It had looked like one of silent, yet accepting afterward, protest. He sat down on his bed, glancing out the window. It was afternoon already. Van stood up, determined not to be seen idling, even if he had only been there for mere hours. He slipped on his simple robe, pulling the hood down.

As he made his way out to the hall, he saw that the hallway was empty still. The others were all doing something; either doing their chores or praying. Van knew that in the evenings, the brothers gathered together to worship, but as for now, they could be doing anything. Van was glad for his experience in caring for stables. Vargas had often made him do chores that peasants in Fanelia had done, explaining that it helped to sharpen his understanding of their position. Van wished he was here. He wished Vargas could have seen all that had happened for the past year, and given him advice. But Van knew he would have to depend on his own skills since his death. Putting those skills to work, Van went down to the stables.

It wasn't long before he was finished. He had done his assigned chores of feeding the animals, milking the goats, and soon he was looking for more to do. Finally, the warmth of the afternoon beat down upon him as he sat down to rest. Van lay with his hands behind his head upon the hay, enjoying it to the fullest. Thus Van fell asleep.

He was awakened later when the air became cool with the setting of the sun. He sat up quickly, mortified that he had slept the day away. The milk beside him had gone sour in the sun, and rising to his feet, Van marched swiftly to the hallway, where he now saw that the monks had all ended their chores for the day. The brothers were silent; part of their code of conduct was to remain in silence for a certain length of the day. He joined their ranks to go toward the altar. Van had been waiting for this especially; it was his chance to ask for divine intervention. Swiftly, he knelt down in front of the statue inside his pew, trying to distance himself from everyone so he could concentrate. Silently, he leaned his head against the pew and sighed, his hands clasped under his forehead.

From far away, he heard the abbot conducting the ceremony, but he mostly ignored it, focusing entirely on his own prayer. God, please send me a sign, he begged, some kind of a sign that would show me if I am capable of ruling a kingdom. His hair fell across his face and he remained there, even as the final hymns were being sung, and the brothers left to do their evening chores. Van stayed where he was, prostrated on the pew. He might have stayed as he was, if he had not felt a tap on his shoulder. Van lifted his head up quickly, and saw it had been the abbot who tapped him.

"S-Sir!" he glanced up and around the room. Everyone had left. He sat up straight as the abbot sat down next to the young man. "I'm sorry," Van apologized, "I seem to be doing that a lot today, you know, falling asleep everywhere..." he trailed off as he stared at the floor ahead of them. The old man put a friendly hand on Van's shoulder. "You were praying hard, weren't you?" was all he said to him. Van sighed, not sure how to answer.

"I've not only been praying, but I've been thinking." Van replied, crossing his arms over his chest. "Sir, what is your opinion of my decision? You know, to abdicate to King Gendas." The old man sat back in the pew, looking up to the ceiling, as if God Himself would give him the answer. However, what came out of the abbot's mouth was not words from above.

"Believe it or not, young man," he began, "but I was young like you once. I was born into a rich family and I was set to become the succeeding lord after my father." Van watched the elderly man's face as he told what seemed to be his life's story. He continued, "I was an apprentice in my father's business, ready to take over when my father became too old conduct business. As well, I was engaged to a wonderful girl from a friend's family, and we were very much in love. I also had a best friend since childhood whom I was set on making my best man at my wedding. It was all perfect. My life was set out before me..." Van had been listening with a half-interest until he realized that the old man had a meaning buried underneath this story. However, he couldn't connect it to himself.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, sir, but what does this have to do with me?" Van asked. The older man stopped drinking in the events of days gone by long enough to hear what Van had said. "Oh, if you would just listen to an old fool for a few more minutes, maybe you will not become one yourself." At this, Van sat back and nodded, permitting him to continue the story. The old man took a breath and went on.

"Where was I... oh, yes. The wedding was planned to the fullest. Oh, it would have been such a splendid celebration..." Van turned toward him.

"Would have?" he questioned. The abbot nodded. "To this day, I still don't understand how it happened. I stood there, in front of the whole congregation, prepared to take a big step in my life,..." Van now sat, hanging on his every word, "She didn't come." he finished. Van waited for him to finish, but he said no more.

"She didn't come? What do you mean by that?" he asked. The abbot shook his head. "I don't know. All I know was that, in addition to my bride-to-be's strange disappearance, my friend wasn't there either. God strike me dead if I'm wrong, but-" he stopped. Van actually saw his eyes beginning to moisten as he continued, "I think my fiancee and my best friend were lovers long before the wedding day." Van's eyes grew wide in astonishment.

"I have not seen either of them since. I tried to continue my business, but I just did not have the motive to go about it any longer. So I handed it down to my younger brother, and I came here. I found satisfaction in becoming a monk, and eventually, becoming abbot of the monastery, but there has always been a hole inside my heart." Van felt a little angry all of a sudden.

"Why do you suspect the worse of your loved ones?!" he exclaimed. "How can you think that they would betray you?!" The old man slowly turned his head toward the young man, saying,

"Because I was the one who married them." Van turned his head away, apologizing quickly. "I'm sorry, abbot. I had no idea..." The abbot put his hand on Van's shoulder. "It's all right, Van. I only want you to know that a monastery isn't a place of guilt. I just wish I had someone tell me that before I had come, but I didn't." He stood up to leave. Van remained in the pew, staring up at the altar. The old man turned around before he left the room.

"Just remember, and take into consideration what I said before you decide to take your vows." With these words, he left the room. Van started out of his daze when the door shut. He stood up and, after giving one final prayer for the night, he prepared to leave. He did think about what the abbot had said. If he had found happiness in monastic life, then Van was sure he would as well.

As he approached his dorm, he was surprised to see that someone was in there, in the shadows of his unlit room. "Who's there?" Van asked cautiously, swinging the door open wider, holding his candle in front of him. The figure came toward him, but it was only one of the brothers.

"I'm sorry, Van Fanel," he said nervously, "Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Yourach, and we share the same dorm." The man had his hood up, Van noticed as he shook his hand. That was odd; usually the monks were not afraid to show their faces, but this man did not even look Van in the face. Oh well, everyone has a reason for doing what they do, Van figured.

"Nice to meet you, Yourach. I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other in the future." The monk nodded, chuckling to himself. "I couldn't find a candle so I was in the dark there for a minute. I'll go find another candle." The man walked past Van and soon vanished around the corner of the hallway. Van couldn't help staring after him. He had seen him around a couple of times, but this was the first time he had spoken with him. He continued to gaze at the place he had last seen Yourach, doing so until he felt some of the hot wax drip onto his hand, surprising him. Wiping it off, he entered his dorm and laid the candle on the side table, getting into bed. Van stared at the ceiling, his hands behind his head. The abbot had said he had felt like he had lost both his loved ones since they had married one other. He knew that he still had those people, people that he could call loved ones. The friends he had in his subjects in Fanelia, Millerna, Dryden, Allen, Merle, and... Hitomi. Why was it that he always hesitated at her name?

He turned over in his bed. He did love them all, and they must be disappointed in this decision he had made to come here. In the long run, Van thought, they will be glad I did this. He left it at this, going to sleep. The days to come would be long.


Ugh, what a boring chapter... However, this fic is somewhat written like a novel, so not every chapter is filled with...
EXCITEMENT, DANGER AROUND EVERY CORNER, and mysterious figures lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce. Even though it seems like it might. Stayed tuned for the next chapter!