James' soft snoring echoed around the room. He lay with his right arm tucked up underneath his pillow and the other lay in front of his nose. His right knee poked out over the edge of the bed and the left stretched out towards the opposite corner of the bed. In other words, Vegeta had very little room. And he was pissed off about it. He snarled and pulled the blanket over to his side. James pulled it back. "Fine," Vegeta huffed. "Keep it." He looked over at the back of James head. Not another Bulma, thought Vegeta. You sleep with them once and then they never leave. He sighed. Then asked, "Why are you still here?" James turned and mumbled in his sleep. He shuffled up to Vegeta and nuzzled at his chest. "ACK!" Vegeta yelled. "Get off me you homo!" James' eyes slowly opened and he tried to take in the room's features. He blinked and then finally muttered, "Cool Zelda poster."
"It's my son's room."
"Oh a son… cool." James stretched his arms out. "Oh dear. Your SON? His ROOM? That's just wrong…"
"Well we couldn't go to my room. My wife would kill me."
"WIFE???" James leapt up to gather his clothes. "Nuh-uh no… I'm not a home-wrecker. I could NOT have that on my conscience." Vegeta watched him with amusement. "Oh my kids are all grown up now. And Bulma won't care if I stay or go."
James looked back at him in amazement, "Grown-up? How old are you?"
"In Earth years? About 60." James dropped the clothes on the floor and clutched Vegeta's face. "You… BASTARD! How do you do it? Not a wrinkle in sight!" Vegeta pushed him away. "As a Saiya-jin warrior I age at a different rate to you humans."
"……. I knew it! I've been anal-probed by an alien! Now I've got a ALF foetus growing inside my liver!" he wailed loudly. Vegeta stared in disgust. What a child this human was. The entrance door swung open and Bulma's voice called out, "Vegeta? Are you home?" Vegeta put his hand against James mouth and held him tightly. "OK shut up! Yes. I'm an alien but I've been on earth for years. The only difference between my species and yours is our life expectancy and tails." He released James carefully. "Tail?" whispered James. "I think I would've noticed THAT!" He grinned. Vegeta picked up his boots. "It was cut off years ago. Now look, you just wait in here for a while. Trunks wont be home for hours. So you're safe." James eyed a picture of hot'n'sexy Trunks next to the bed. "Shame," he muttered.
Vegeta scowled at James, "Stay away from my son you vile temptress." James sniffed and drew a figure of eight on the wall. "You make it sound like it was my fault. I can't help it if you wanted my hot body." James poked his tongue out. "Nyah!"
"What? You came onto me first!"
"Well you didn't have to play with my Captain Arbok."
"Well you didn't have to play with the Greater Saiyaman." Their argument was disrupted by Bulma calling again. Vegeta put on his last glove and sneaked out the door. James gazed meekly at his crumpled uniform. "Hey, where's my belt?" He hunted around. "I know we used it at some point…"
Bulma looked up as Vegeta stumbled into the reception, trying to look as innocent as possible. Which is fairly difficult to do when you accidentally put your spandex on backwards. "Vegeta, there you are. Bra is going to be late home. Will you meet her at the mall at 2am? She'll need you to fly her home. Oh and wear something that can withstand hydrochloric acid and half-digested fries being spewed onto it. She's been partying as usual." She smiled and closed the book she was reading. "This is the company stats for the month. Give it to Trunks when he comes in." She handed it over and then proceeded to waltz away. "Want something to eat?"
"Er…" Vegeta wasn't quite sure what to make of the situation. He had been so ready to explain the accident that had occurred whilst she was out. "No thank you." He ran back to Trunks' room.
"No… thank you? He refused food AND was polite about it! That's strange."
Vegeta paced around Trunks' room. "What the fuck is this hot feeling in my stomach? Oh good you're dressed. What was I saying… ah yes – what the hell is this?"
"Guilt?" James suggested as he sat on Trunks' dresser, kicking his legs out at the air. Vegeta sat on the edge of the bed and shoved his boot off. "A Saiya-jin warrior feels no guilt for anything." He picked at his toenail. James shuddered. "Can't you do that somewhere else? Besides maybe its um… maybe you're scared to tell your wife you're leaving her for me?" Vegeta exploded with laughter. It made Bulma, on the other side of the house jump in fright and drop a tomato onto her shoe. "Dammit these are my best work-shoes." She lit a cigarette. "He's such an asshole sometimes. What is he doing out there? Perhaps he's planning to run away with a young beautiful woman." She heaved a sigh and traced the lines of her face with her index finger. The biggest clues to her age lay there. She'd kept her body in shape, but age kept nagging at her skin. And it was winning against her. She'd thought a lot about letting Vegeta go. She was aging so fast and he remained so youthful. She was the greatest genius in the world… but she couldn't even invent a time machine yet. Another version of her had. But she couldn't. She stubbed out her cigarette and went to clean her shoe. Back in Trunks' room, Vegeta was wiping the tears from his eyes. "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard," he giggle-snorted. James marched up to him and slapped his face. Vegeta was still heaving with laughter and had no time to block it. He put his hand on his face. "What was that? That couldn't even tickle a newborn Saiyaling."
James whined, "Oh excuse me Mr. Big Strong Tail-less Monkey Guy!" He sat on the floor and frowned a little frown. "Look at me. You've turned me into a nasty brute. I don't think I've ever hit someone." Vegeta was intrigued. He'd never known a man that didn't fight. Then again – he looked at James – someone like him wouldn't last very long. "EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" James eeeed. "He has a Gundam toy!" He picked it up and made swooshy sounds. "Vegeta…" he said after a moment. "Do you really think it's dumb?"
"What is?"
"Swwwooooossssshhhhh! Us."
"What us? Who said there was an us?"
James giggled, "An us! Anus!" Vegeta kicked the Gundam out of James' hands. "Hey…" he began to whinge but Vegeta pulled him up from the floor and said very frankly, "I'm not sure if there's an I, you, me, we, whatever. All I know is that if I go out there and say anything to Bulma she'll kill me."
James smiled nervously, "But she's weaker than you, surely?" Vegeta put James down. "You're right… what am I afraid of?"
James smoothed his uniform. "Hurting her. Emotionally, I mean." Vegeta laughed uproariously. "I have absolutely no consideration for anyone's feelings ever!"
"OK lets go tell her!"
"Tell her what exactly?"
"That you're my new boyfriend!" James danced around the bedroom in glee. Vegeta shrunk back. "Ag! You make it sound like we're teenagers going to prom night!" Before James had time to answer the door swung open. "Trunks?" Bulma enquired. James scrambled to hide behind Vegeta. "EEEEEEK!!!"
Bulma let her head fall to one side as she looked at James, "Who's he? He's not a Z-fighter, that's for sure…" James walked cautiously over to her. "Oooooh she's pretty! Old, but pretty!" Bulma raised her fist to clobber him one but Vegeta pulled him back and pushed Bulma out of the door. "He's a friend of Trunks' that's all." Bulma looked back over her shoulder. "Has he been home? His bed's a mess!" Vegeta froze on the spot and didn't notice as Bulma went back to the room.. "Hello, I'm Trunks' mother. You'll have to excuse the mess. He usually makes his bed." She extended her hand for a handshake. Remembering what his hands had been doing a few minutes ago, James bowed instead of reciprocating the Western gesture. "Oh I'm sorry. I should've known; my best friend is from Japan. But, you don't look very… oriental."
"Oh well I am a homely white boy, but I was raised in Japan for some reason," he shrugged. Vegeta pushed James out of the room. "Anyway you must be going mustn't you... um…"
"James."
"Yes – James. Well goodbye, we'll tell Trunks you came round." James was going to let himself be pushed out of the room but then he noticed his belt hanging from the door handle. "MY BELT!" he squealed hugging it. Vegeta slapped his forehead in disbelief. How dumb could the lad be? "Belt?" Bulma asked. "Why did you take your belt off?"
"Erm…"
"He didn't. He let Trunks' borrow it and now he's taking it back. That's why he's here." Vegeta couldn't believe how good at lying he was. "He must have hung it on the door so it could be seen."
James clapped his hands and said, "Yes and now I've got it so bye-bye!" He scampered out of the room and towards the entrance. A low rumbling in the ground stopped him in his tracks. "EEEEEK!!! I know that sound." James whimpered. A woman burst through the door wearing a ripped-in-all-the-right-places Team Rocket uniform and a very large gun. She had obviously been through a lot just to get to America. "GIMME BACK MY JAMES!!!" she screeched. James twiddled his thumbs. "Really my dear, you do make such a fuss over nothing." Jesse pulled him to her and swung the gun in the direction of Vegeta and Bulma who had run out to see what all the commotion was about. "OK which one of you stole my partner?"
"Partner? You're straight?! After all that fuss you made when I said I wouldn't be your boyfriend!"
"BOYFRIEND?" Bulma growled. "WHAT?" Vegeta groaned as he realised what he'd said. "Dammit, the plan was near-perfect." Jesse ignored him and clutched James to her bosom. "I'm never letting you get away again you stupid boy. Its not healthy, all this man-sexing." James struggled to get away. "But Jesse, I like men!"
Jesse looked at Vegeta, "You've got strange tastes in men, I'll give you that." Bulma went straight up to Jesse and demanded to know what was wrong with her husband. "Well", Jesse started, "He's gay for a start. That's not a good quality in a guy if you want sex from him." Vegeta punched himself in the face in the hopes that he'd wake up from this crazy dream. Bulma stated that Jesse was just as bad – the guy she was after was a confessed homosexual. "Exactly!" James squealed. "But try telling her that. She wont have it."
"But 80% of our fans think it's not true! That we are meant to be together forever! Look!" She lifted up her skirt and James squeaked in horror. "I'M BLIND!!!" Jesse sighed. "Not at that, I'm wearing panties. On my left thigh, look." James peeked through his fingers at a small tattoo depicting a rocket and the letters JAJL underneath it. "Oh no…" he sighed. "Not that again." Jesse dashed over to one of Bulma's computers. "See here? Fanfiction.net. So much sex and Rocketshipping…" she mooned over the endless pages of stories. "But Jesse, they're fanFICTION," James pointed out. But Jesse was lost in a sea of lost plot-holes and babies with purple hair. James looked at Vegeta, Vegeta looked at Bulma and Bulma looked at James. "So…" she said. "What'll we tell the kids, Vegeta?"
