"Here we are again."
I looked at the three of us, almost as if I weren't there, as if I were an outsider observing the scene. Duo stood to one side and slightly before us, holding the detonator in one hand, smiling, while the faint breeze played through his hair. I stood in the middle, just like any other day, smiling with relief and some other secret emotion, almost at attention but still relaxed.
To the other side, close enough that I could have reached out and touched his hand, was Trowa, eyes unreadable as always, hair moving gently in the breeze, still as a statue, face emotionless as porcelain. Completely breathtaking.
"Is it really over this time?" he said quietly. Not worried, not sad…just a simple question.
"I think so. No," I amended, "This time it is."
"How can you be sure?"
This time it wasn't a simple question. After long enough, you'd get to understand what he meant, even if his tone never changed. "You don't. You trust in human nature. We're unreliable, but we do learn. This time, I think we've learned. Not forever, but we won't have to fight again while we can remember."
Duo shot me a glare filled with humor. "Lighten up, Quatre. No more philosophizing right now, this isn't the time to be serious!"
"That's unfair, Duo. Why aren't you telling that to Trowa, too?"
"Because he's the silent wonder. If he says an entire sentence the world stops."
Trowa didn't blink, and Duo grinned. "I'm off to take care of this, then."
I nodded. Trowa still didn't move until Duo had turned away from us again. Then he looked right at me, flicked his eyes towards Duo, and rolled them upwards. I fought hard to keep from laughing. Everyone once in a while, he'd surprise me like that…even now.
We both turned back to watch as Duo set off the destruction of our three Gundams. An entire war…a whole other conflict, so soon after the first…I missed almost all of it. I was involved, but not here. I had to wait till the end to see us all together again, and now we're going our separate ways once more. Wufei's already gone, Duo hasn't told us what Heero was planning, and soon Trowa will go back to the circus, Duo back to his much more peaceful life, and me back to my home and travels.
But this time, at least, I didn't have to fight any of them again.
Beside me, I could hear a faint exhalation from Trowa, and peered at him from the corner of my eye. There wasn't any change in his expression…but something in his pose said there was something troubling him.
"I'm back to being nameless," he said simply as the noise died down.
There was a pain in that statement, a resigned anguish that cut through me. I had to turn to him. Duo wouldn't have noticed, but I had, even if Trowa had no idea.
He didn't resume his previous rigidness as I turned towards him, and I knew he didn't know I had heard the ache in his words. I didn't know what I meant to say, but when I did say it, I completely meant everything. "I don't think it makes a difference. Trowa is Trowa.."
Trowa's head turned, and his eyes stared directly into mine. Duo had moved to the other side of him, and looked at me as well, grinning. I hardly noticed. I couldn't break away from that deep gaze.
He was surprised. He never looked anyone in the eyes so far as I knew, with the exception perhaps of Catherine. But other than that, I couldn't read a thing. It was like staring into the eyes of a painting.
Still, I couldn't look away.
I smiled, hoping it didn't betray the uneasiness I felt beneath that gaze…uneasy because I couldn't tell what he was looking for, uneasy because of the minnows skipping through my stomach. Before the silence could grow, I tore my eyes away and looked at Duo. "Don't you think?"
Duo shrugged good-naturedly. "Names are for other people to call you. It's no use changing that. Anyway, we've got some place to go home to, right?"
Trowa finally looked away from me, focusing his gaze on the horizon again. "You're right."
He lapsed into silence again. Duo leaned back a bit to flash me a bigger grin and wink. I smiled back, feigning a cheeriness I didn't feel in the least.
"Hey." Duo ran a hand through his bangs, and crossed his arms. "I've gotta get back to check on some stuff before I leave. You two planning on coming by tomorrow? Last chance, man."
The smile warmed into a real one. "Of course, Duo."
Trowa gave a short nod. Duo made an exasperated face at him and waved. "Right. I'll see you guys then. See ya!"
"Bye, Duo!" I waved back as he strode away. I continued watching until he was almost invisible in the distance before looking back at Trowa. "Do you need to go anywhere?"
"Not really."
"Are you planning on staying here all night, or doing something later?"
Trowa kept watching the fading flashes of flame and light that were all that remained of the last evidence of our war. He shrugged, and didn't answer.
The shadows cast on his face from his hair nearly obscured his eyes in darkness. I wanted to look more closely, see if the pain I'd heard was still there, aching, raw…I wanted to brush back his bangs and just stare into his eyes and get lost all over again, even if it felt like it had a moment ago. I wanted to do so much, but I didn't. I didn't even continue looking at him.
After all, I'd told him I wouldn't.
This might be my last chance to really be near him. I'm supposed to believe we'll meet again…but if we don't…I won't risk it.
But I have to tell him…
"Trowa?"
Trowa glanced over at the low tone of my voice, but I sensed it more than saw…I couldn't bring myself to look away from my hands. "If you don't have to leave yet…"
It was a moment before he answered. "I don't."
I curled my fingers into my palm, then relaxed them. "Do you want to talk?"
There was a hint of mixed annoyance and humor in his response. "Do I want to talk?"
"I mean…" I made myself relax. "Can we talk? I…we need to."
There was a rustle of sound, and I could see Trowa's feet as he took a few steps closer and turned to face me head on. "All right."
I looked up, surprised. He didn't seem angry or even bored…but curious. I told myself to stop shaking, clear my mind, let myself be soothed, meditate, whatever it took to cam down. Nothing was working. So I simply hoped against hope that I could get through this.
"Do you remember that day…right before everything went crazy during the first war?" When we played…
The melody ran through the back of my mind, soothing, a trigger to happy memories. But there was something missing.
I'm playing alone….
Trowa was standing almost ramrod straight now, no longer relaxed, clearly growing annoyed. I still couldn't speak.
He didn't ever go first, except that one time, after I told him and he didn't understand. I start, and he follows…but complements.
"The day," I managed, "when I kept telling you to relax, and-"
"I remember."
The echoes played in my head, two melodies, discordant, different, yet somehow melding. But not well, not yet…
"Well…" I took a deep breath. "Do you remember what I told you?"
"About relaxing?"
"No." I made myself look at him. "About why I watched you so much."
"You still do."
The faint humor in the previous statement had gone out of his voice. I frowned. "Trowa, don't."
He shrugged.
"Do you remember?"
"Yes."
I realized I'd been holding my breath. "Well…I want to talk about that."
Trowa nodded. "Fine with me."
This wasn't the first time. This wasn't our first goodbye. I had tried to tell him once before, but hadn't been able to. The memory made me all the more determined this time.
"Trowa, can we talk?"
"Sure." He sat on the edge of the scaffolding in the bay, making hardly a sound on the rattling metal, and looked back at me. "What about?"
"Well…" I hoped I didn't look at terrified as I felt. "You're leaving tomorrow, right?"
"In the morning, yeah."
"I…" The words caught in my throat. "I just wanted to talk before you left."
"We're talking. Sit down."
I did, gingerly, every little creak and rattle sounding terrifyingly loud to my ears and shaking my courage with each noise. "You're going with Catherine?"
"Yeah. I've been with the same group for a long time. It's the closest thing I have to a home."
"Even including this place?"
Trowa's eyes were dark. "There's not much tying me here. No one knows me well enough."
The words sprang from me before I could stop them. "I do!"
Trowa looked at me, and I could feel the rush of heat to my face. He seemed to take no notice. His voice was low. "Do you?"
I had to look away. "I'm sorry."
He didn't answer. We sat in silence for a long moment, me feeling embarrassed and barely clinging to my resolve to confess, him completely unreadable. Finally, he spoke. "They don't think of me as anything there but Pierre. I'm one of the clowns. I'm not a fighter, I'm not a nobody, and I'm not Trowa Barton. I'm not Pierre, but it's easier than being any of the others."
I don't see you as anything but you, I thought, but couldn't manage to speak the words.
"You're lucky," he continued. "You have people to return to, a home…"
"I don't want to go back!"
Trowa looked at me with startlement clearly written across his face. I rarely had any outbursts like that…I tried not to. But this time, with so little chance left… "I want to stay with you," I whispered.
Trowa leaned back. "I know the feeling. The four of you are almost like a real home."
That's not what I meant! I wanted to shout. I want to stay with just you, just Trowa…I don't ever want to leave you!
But all the courage had drained out of me. I smiled, forced, hiding behind cheerful, sweet Quatre who never looks at the darker side. "Yeah. Exactly. But we'll manage right?"
"Yeah, we will."
That time hadn't been goodbye. I wasn't going to risk this one really being farewell forever.
"Trowa, I don't think you understood what I meant that day."
"Of course I did."
"No." I looked at the sky, starting to purple at the edges with coming night. "I really think you didn't."
It took me a moment to form the words in my mind, in my mouth, ready to be spoken. The melodies played in my head, still meshed but not one, steadying me somehow. "Trowa, I worry about you. A lot. You don't let anyone see, but whether or not you agree, I know you better than anyone else except maybe Catherine. You hurt. You don't think you have anything or anyone, that you're just nobody, and it hurts you."
I dropped my gaze. "You're wrong, though. You are someone, someone very important…very important to me."
Trowa might've been looking at me, or he might not have. I was too busy phrasing the melody of words and emotions to notice if he was or not. "I care about you more than you can imagine, Trowa. I don't care who you are or who you aren't, where you're from or what your past might be…I just care about the Trowa I met and fought beside and shared so many experiences with and…the Trowa who played such beautiful music with me, who complements everything around him without even trying, who…who makes me feel finished.
"You have yourself, Trowa. You're important to so many of us, not just me. And whether or not you know anything about who you are or where you belong, you need to know that…that I…"
The silence had gotten to me. The melody was gone. I looked up at him, faltering, the words dying on my lips. His eyes were empty, reflecting back at me only my own pale face.
I turned away. "That I'll remember you, no matter…"
"You're a bad liar, Quatre. And I did know what you meant the first time. You're an open book."
I lifted my head, still not looking at him, but surprised. Trowa's voice was matter-of-fact, simple, just stating the truth. "You're in love with me. I figured it out even before that day. Since I already know, can you say it now?"
I couldn't hold back the few tear burning in my eyes, and hoped no more would come. "There's no reason to."
Silence.
Then: "I'd like to hear you say it, though."
There was something strange in his voice, something I didn't recognize. Contempt, probably. Or mockery. Or pity… I kept my head up but didn't turn. I was striving for the song again, the melody that flooded my happiest moment, my most precious memory. I concentrated, distancing myself from the moment, trying to put myself back to the time I most treasured. "I love you, Trowa."
I wanted music. I wanted that world where nothing existed except the notes I played, far from this one. Why can't I find it?
"Me too."
Everything snapped back into reality, and I turned, unbelieving. "What?"
Trowa's eyes bore into mine, still impassive, but closer. He was standing right behind me. "Me too."
I blinked, confused. "You too what?"
He suddenly looked away…he never looked away first. "You all know I'm terrible with words, Quatre. Even you joke about it."
I suddenly needed to look at him, really look at him…but I didn't dare touch him. I somehow managed to make the words loud enough to be heard. "You only need to use three, if you want to…"
He looked back at me, and the strange note was back in his voice. It trembled there, a faint tremolo that pleaded and hoped. "Quatre…I'm…in love. With you."
I closed my eyes and everything was still bright. "That was three more than necessary. You're not as silent as you pretend to be."
Trowa's eyes flickered, filled with the hope and plea that his voice had held. "Quatre…"
"That's just who you are." I smiled at him, hearing the music of the coming night…the wind, the cicadas, the crickets, the birdsong dying away with the chill. "I don't mind at all. You're certainly the loudest flautist I've heard in a long time. That should make up for it."
He looked at me, the lost look fading to be replaced by more usual questioning. I shook my head, and leaned against him. After a moment, he awkwardly let an arm rest over my shoulders. I was close enough to hear his heartbeat, the sound of his breath, everything. It matched my own…not a separate melody of its own, but one that went hand in hand with mine.
"Thank you," he whispered after a moment, and those words sent all the greatest music into mere memory.
