Disclaimer: The ones that are marvels ain't and vice versa!

Huge thanks to Oracles Maiden (check out her new fic Misfit) who practically did everything but write this Fanfiction (even then she wrote Mel's bit) if it hadn't been her this would never have been completed!

Thanks also to NCSGirl who's fics are also immensely funny! Check out her Mario parody! It is hilarious! Thanks also for supporting Retribution X from start to almost finish (nearly there now!)

A big thank you to Zilent Zombie who also has really hilarious fanfictions on the X-men check out 'Figures' and 'Robert Drake, Iceman NO more' they are gaurenteed to have you in stitches! Thank you so much for the electric dog collar I find Logan does his job much better after a zap (too many however and there goes the sofa!)

Yay! Xx-Disturbed-xX finally someone who hates Jean Grey almost as much as I do! Thank you for your support both with Big Brotherhood and the Retribution X series!

I hope you all enjoy this fanfiction as I did writing it!

Ok anyway please read and review I was gonna say some other stuff but its flown out of my mind but I would like to say sorry for this being such a long chapter but I didn't wanna slice it in half! Erm….what else…on with the story!

Retribution X: Xmas Capers

I stood over the cooker listening to Tristan describe to anyone who would listen, about his rude awakening.

"I hope you all feel sorry for poor lil' Tris, who was brutally awoken from a rather pleasant dream by our fearless leader over there…" I felt rather than saw him glower in my direction "…'gently'…" He made quotation mark gestures with his fingers "…ripping my curtains open with no more apology than 'Tristan get your fat lazy arse into the danger room!' allowing lethal bright light to flood my room scorching my poor delicate eyes…"

I snorted, Tristan continued obliviously however.

"…as the bed clothes got ruthlessly ripped from my pale, yet highly interesting body, leaving me exposed like a vampire on a sun bed!"

Jubilee smiled at his over dramatics, Richard however didn't even look up from the newspaper, Mel looked vaguely amused as she awaited Kurt's return from a mission, Kat hadn't surfaced yet (What? You go in her room and see if it's an experience you wish to repeat!) and Bounce rolled her eyes in my direction.

I'm 21 now approaching my 22nd birthday (like on the 27th of December), yet I feel the same as I did on the day we were told that we would become an official branch of the X-men, yet everything and everyone around me had changed, looking back I realise that I too had changed, its just that it isn't so obvious when its you who's changed.

"At first I was afraid I was petrified,

Thought I could never live without you by my side,

And so I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong,

And I grew strong…"

Everyone had changed that is, except Kat!

Richard instinctively closed his newspaper and dove for the door, whereas Tristan put his hands over his ears in, what can only be described as, a frenzied manner.

"Afternoon Kat" I said with a frown as the 20 yr old toddler grabbed the toast Mel was just about to bite into and stuffed it down her large gullet.

She smiled at me in an insane manner "I need a new alarm clock"

I looked at her puzzled, not really at what she had said but the way she had just said it, with that inane grin spread across her face (to say nothing of the butter smeared across her left cheek).

"Why?" It seemed no one else was going to ask so it was down to me again

"I set fire to it!" She looked at us all staring at her "What?! I had a dream where we were fighting the marshmallow man and we were toasting him and gnawing him and he was so delicious he made me drool…."

"The alarm clock?" I interrupted her

"Oh yeah right, well I must of acted out my dream because when I woke up it was on fire so I threw it out of the window, so I saved the day once again" She looked triumphant, that is until she saw something out of the window.

We all turned and looked out of the window to see Beast running around the lawn patting at the fire on his head. Will things ever change??

Later in the briefing room.

It was very rare that we had to sit in on a briefing held by Scott and if anyone ever did it was me (bloody screwy leadership!) He was now lecturing everyone on the 'importance of our role' blah de blah de blah! Several X-Men had fallen asleep, indeed Hank was sat in the corner chin on chest snoring softly (just as well really, give him time to get over the trauma of this morning, who would have thought fur was so flammable?), others were passing notes (as demonstrated by Professor X and Jean Grey), while some (Wolverine) were heckling the speaker. Me, I chose to think (a dangerous task I know!).

I had often wondered why no one had realised that Scott would be far more effective on the field if he lectured his opponent to death, that would kill off all thing's evil off in one go, and the world would probably be a lot safer place full of Scott clones who would help old ladies across the road, would do anything ol' Charlie Xavier wanted and wouldn't know a joke if it ran up, did some Morris dancing and then smacked them in the face with wet fish leftovers. Actually the more I thought I about it, under such conditions as these, the more I concluded that not even the most evil of evil genius's deserved that, no not even Apocalypse… actually Jean Grey did just for being so damn perfect and choosing this man as a life long mate, no wonder she was so moody really, was it?

My silence was broken by Marrow shouting "Hey arse face how hard can a bit of carol singing be?"

I can quite honestly say I have never heard quite a rousing response made to any comment made in the briefing room before…well maybe the time that Jean suggested we should neuter Kat….actually not even then.

In our living room

I walked into the living room with a slight limp (I was just one of the many casualties of the mass stampede, in the manner of demented wildebeest, out of the briefing room and hence, away from Scott), to be faced with what appeared to be a cursing Christmas tree.

"Shut up your whining and put it up higher" Jubilee instructed as she munched on a mince pie (courtesy of Mel)

"Jubes are you talking to a Christmas tree?" I asked

"Oh that's right this morning my names 'fat lazy arse' and now it's Christmas tree" Tristan said in mock indignation as he emerged from the vast prickly foliage of the evergreen.

Jubilee rolled her eye's "He's always bloody moaning that one."

Before Tristan could respond Mel burst through the door flanked by Kurt.

"Oh my god what is that?" Mel said stopping at the door causing Kurt to bump into her

I made a note to fit some kind of hazard warning or brake lights to Mel.

"Funny you should ask really" Tristan said head on one side "Where I come from its called a 'Christmas tree' however in this part of the mansion it seems to be some kind of instrument of torture!"

Jubes rolled her eyes "Ignore him"

"No I mean what is wrong with it, I don't think it's meant to be brown!" Mel said peering at it as if it would suddenly sprout wings and fly at our heads.

I looked at it "You mean it isn't festively coloured to look like that?"

Mel groaned "No numb nut's its dead couldn't you tell by the way the pines have been dropping all over the floor?"

We looked at there floor as if it held the 10th wonder of the world, or whatever number we've got to now.

Kurt decided he'd put in his two penny's worth too (as if having one smart arse in the house wasn't enough we had to cope with her boyfriend too). "I would have thought that the fact that these trees are called evergreens would have been a hint!"

"You sure all it needs isn't a bit of water?" I asked prodding one of the branches which resulting in a mass dropping of brown pine needles.

 Mel sighed in exasperation.

"Okay so does anyone have a plan after all what kind of Christmas will we have with this monster?" Jubes said kicking its pot angrily

Tristan mumbled that the monster tree had been perfectly fine ten minutes ago

"Ouch!" I clutched my head

"What?"

"It's okay I've just had an idea" O.K. so Mordekai had suggested it but they didn't have to know that right?

Half an hour later

After a lot of huffing and puffing we had finally managed to fit the huge green tree through the living room door. We stood back to admire the lush green foliage of this remarkable specimen of a tree.

"Scott sure knows how to pick 'em huh?" Bounce said in an admiring tone having just come back from a date.

"Yup!" We all nodded in agreement

"But uh…you sure that he won't notice that you swapped the trees?" She asked tentatively

Mel smiled pityingly at Bounces naivety "No, no he'll just think he's going mad, or in a worse case scenario he'll accuse Wolverine of pissing on it!"

An hour later

We stood back and admired our handy work, ok Tristan and Kurt's handy work with our 'gentle' guidance (have you ever seen Jubilee at Christmas, poor sods no wonder Richard was hiding until this was all over!). The tree was now dressed in its Sunday best!

"Oh my god!" Kat burst into the room Flump

We looked around to see what had startled her, alas it was our lovely silver and blue adorned tree. It's funny how quickly pine burns really isn't it?

10 minutes later

We poked our heads around the door cautiously.

"Kat you stay out here and whistle if he's coming ok?" I instructed full of self importance

Kat nodded and stood soldier style by the door.

"Ok guys begin your search and remember do not leave one sock unturned!"

Mel, Bounce, Jubilee and Tristan began a frenzied search of the room.

"Oh look he's got an eye patch I wonder what he uses it for!" I said holding up the black eye patch I found in one of his drawers

Jubilee rolled her eyes "Haven't you ever heard about his time at Madripoor?"

I shook my head before resuming the search "You found anything Tris?"

Tristan was stood stock still with a small amount of drool dribbling down the side of his chin.

Mel walked over to see what he was staring at and the recoiled in fear and began to whimper quietly

"Mel what in god's name?" I said striding over to see what was the cause of such reactions.

I peered into the cupboard cum porn shrine and frowned slamming the door.

"Will he never stop?!" Kat, who had somehow entered the room with out our knowledge, squeaked from my shoulder.

"I think we need to take evidence!" Tristan said re-opening the cupboard causing Kat to run screaming in horror out of the room.

I whacked his hand out of the cupboard sharply

"Ohh look I've found a red eye patch!" Bounce said triumphantly before holding it up "I wonder how he puts it on though"

Mel looked afraid, very afraid before explaining that the eye patch was in fact a jock strap, apparently a jock strap that hadn't seen a washing machine this side of last Christmas.

"Yuck!" Bounce tried in vain to shake off the offending item with little success.

At that moment the door opened

"Kat you're supposed to be keeping watch" I said rummaging through a closet

Snickt

"You're not Kat are you?" I said standing up slowly

"Are you looking for these?" Wolverine asked dangling the keys to his jeep off of one claw

"Nooo…er ….yes" Mel said looking at the floor shame facedly

"Why the hell didn't ya just ask?" He growled shooting me a scary look that usually indicated some things (or someones) death was impending

"Because you would only have said no!" Jubilee said folding her arms over her chest

"No I would…" Wolverine stopped mid sentence as he noticed Bounce desperately trying to shake the jock strap from her hand. He blushed slightly before continuing "Why d'ya want it anyway?"

"We need to get a new tree!" Bounce said

I shook my head; couldn't she keep her mouth shut?

He chuckled "So does one eye if Jeans reaction to the one he brought home earlier today is anything to go by"

We looked guiltily at the floor

In Wolverines jeep

Unfortunately the task of the tree hunt with Wolverine had befallen me and Mel, everyone else it seems had suddenly got dates or long lost relatives that needed seeing, oh and Richard had apparently come down with a bout of the flu…a likely story!

"Get your snotty nose away from the glass kid" Oh and Kat had come along for the ride too.

At the Christmas tree place

I looked in wonder the field was full of Christmas trees of varying sizes and colours.

"Okay kids pick the tree ya want then we can head home" Wolverine growled

Kat spun around in wonder "I want that one!" She exclaimed whizzing round and pointing her finger at a large green tree.

Unfortunately in her excitement she sent a small fireball at the tree and it caught fire

"Okay maybe not that one, let's have that one!" She spun around again, and again she set fire to the tree.

Me and Mel sighed; this was going to be a long afternoon.

3 Hours later

What had once been a large field filled with Christmas trees was now a huge bonfire. We looked at it sadly, before running to the jeep when the owner reappeared with a pitchfork.

We then made our way to the mall.

Half an hour later

We were once again running, but this time it was from the security. We ran through the door and then noticing Wolverine was having difficulty getting through the door we gave him a little help, before running like a herd of demented wildebeest to the jeep, where Kat was bound to her seat and gagged. Wolvie quickly strapped the huge and finely decorated Christmas tree to the roof, and we were gone quicker then Quicksilver after smelling Scuzzlebutts underwear (presuming he wore underwear that is!)

"Bring back that Christmas tree!" Was the only sound carried on the winter air as we sped home with our 'borrowed' Christmas tree

Soooo…..what will happen now? Proceed to the next chapter to find out

Logan: What?! I have a jockstrap?

Ellie: Correction you have a dirty Jockstrap

Logan: Grrrr….Snickt

Ellie: smiles and Zaps him with electric collar

Logan: Cowers

Ellie: That will teach you! You bad Muse! smiles at readers Please review or zappety zap to you!!