Ok this is Mel's POV on the current Kat pregnant fiasco! It is written by Oracles Maiden. Like it? Then check out her story 'Misfit'
I sat in the shadow of the Christmas tree, watching her. The boys were flapping around trying to make the mother to be comfortable… only she wasn't.
She wasn't the mother to be! Come on, hadn't anyone here got a brain cell that could be put to communal use! She hadn't slept with Bobby! Ever! She couldn't be the one who was pregnant, and it looked like I was the only one that seemed to realise.
And that test had to be returned to the bathroom, so that whoever it was that possibly might be could take it and find out what they were letting themselves in for.
"Ash!" I said calling for my leader. "Ash can I have a word with you and the others in the kitchen."
Ash simply nodded her head and exited into the kitchen, I followed quickly as did the rest of the girls… and the boys.
"NO!" I screamed at them. "I… um… just the girls for now, ok. This is a bit delicate."
We closed the door behind us and took seats around the table… me, Kat, Ash, Bounce and Jubes… oh and the baby bag of sugar that was slowly shrinking as its 'Mother' ate it.
"Um I have something I think I should have pointed out earlier before Kat got so attached to her sugar."
The girl hearing her name sat up with white granules around her mouth and gave a toothy grin and began to sing "Oh sugar you're so fine you're so fine you blow my mind! GO sugar."
"Hey, Hey" Bounce joined in.
"Go sugar!" Kat concluded before burying her head in the bag again.
I shook my head sadly. "I don't know which is more intelligent, the sugar or Kat."
"At a guess… I'd probably say the sugar." Ash agreed.
"Hey!!" Kat said lifting her head up to attention, with the big white bag going with it obscuring her face.
Now I saw what was written on the side of the bag in marker… in bold black (and in places back to front) letters someone (I'm guessing either Bobby or Kat) had written 'BABY. DON'T SET ON FIRE OR FREEZE!"
"Kat!" I screamed appalled at the thought. "If that was a real baby you couldn't put a warning label on it!?!"
Muffled by the bag Kat spoke back, with what I again guessed was a smile on her face. "Don't worry Mel, I'm quite good with a needle and thread. My baby isn't going to be able to rip it off when I'm finished."
Suddenly the image of Bobby and Kats baby came into my head. A pretty child in a big nappy with light brown hair and blue eyes. Stitched into the skin on its back were washing instructions, tattooed the wrong way up on its forehead was the phrase "If you can read this then your holding me the wrong way up." The baby had a bottle of bleach in its grasp and was sucking on it like a bottle of milk, Its nappy was slowly burning away…
"NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!" I screamed! Ash clutched at my arm, worried about me as I had broken out in a cold sweat.
"Mel, are you all right?"
"I'm fine but I just had a terrible vision of the future." I stared over at Kat "Of when that has offspring." I shook my head in disgust.
"Only nine months away Mel, better get used to the image." Jubes smiled ruffling Kats bag.
"Who did that?" The woman underneath said, shocked; shaking her head from side to side as though this would allow her to see who had.
"Me mumsy." Jubes giggled. And I turned bright red.
"She isn't pregnant…" I whispered.
"What was that Mel?" Bounce smiled, taking her turn to ruffle the sugar bag.
"Who did that?" Kat repeated the gesture with her head.
Bounce giggled "Your unborn child…"
"AAAAAHHH!" Kat screamed jumping up and running around, one hand clutching her stomach the other her head… "AAAHHH My baby is wishing death on me from inside me. It wants me dead! It's a daddy's boy or girl."
"It's Bounce shaking your bag!" Ash shouted at her, "Now what were you saying Mel?"
I turned to talk exclusively to Ash, she was the only one who was likely to listen to anything I had to say.
"Haven't you worked it out Ash?" I smiled, "She CAN'T be pregnant. She and Bobby don't do anything together except wish death and destruction on the aliens living inside the flowerpots in the grounds."
"Don't say that!" Kat wined again, pointing her finger towards the fridge, which she obviously thought was me. "We don't want to destroy them… we want to make peaceful contact then charge them rent."
"You see!" I laughed angrily. "If she and bobby were in bed together at any point they would probably make a fort."
"Like we did…"
"Like we…" I paused… I'd really walked into that one. "We were drunk you'd be stone cold sober."
"I'm always drunk." Kat pointed out, turning to the coffee maker which she probably thought was me now, "I'm drunk on the wonder of life… and alcohol!" She said proudly.
"No more drinking till the little ones here!" Ash instructed harshly. Now I exploded.
"THERE ISN'T GOING TO BE A LITTLE KAT, SHE DIDN'T EVEN BUY THAT TEST! I DI…" ooooopppps, that wasn't meant to slip out.
Ash looked at me in surprise, Kat however was now chasing her own ass again, but in her sugar bag. Jubes and Bounce were helping her and I don't even think that they heard.
"Mel? You? But you can't… I mean… you're so careful?" she assured, not believing. And to tell the truth I couldn't believe it.
"Nothings ever 100% sure. Especially when you forget to do anything…" I blushed, biting my lip, knowing the reaction I'd get.
"MEL!!" Ash said gently pushing me and looking at me like I'd just made the biggest mistake of my life.
"What I got mixed up… and seeing as me and Kurt have been dating for god knows…"
"Still no excuse." Ash warned.
"Hey you didn't give Kat this much trouble when you thought that she bought the test."
"Course I didn't. Kats a moron! She doesn't understand how to change a baby let alone create one. I expected more from you."
"You sound like my mother." I moaned sinking onto the counter and resting my head on the cold surface.
"Yeah well that's something else your going to have to worry about Mel, telling her that she's going to be a young grandmother."
I winced; mum got breathing difficulties whenever she thought she got a grey hair, this would kill her, and dad would kill Kurt.
"Damn it!!" I screamed.
"Take it from the look on Kurt's face he doesn't know yet," Ash smiled playfully "Mummy?"
"Don't say that, yet." I warned as Kat ran past me to the kitchen sink and ran her burning bag of sugar under the tap, still on her head. No wonder it started to smell like candyfloss in here, I just thought my cravings were starting early. "And no, he doesn't. I didn't want to tell him before I got a positive or negative answer. No use the both of us worrying."
"You were going to go through this alone?" Ash said draping her arm round my shoulders.
"Well yeah, I suppose. But you know, you guys tend to support me even when you don't know what's going on, so call me conceited but I was expecting that to happen again." I paused, the atmosphere was too heavy… one thing I'd learnt from outer space was that nothing was so bad that it couldn't be forgotten with a joke. "Plus I thought if I told Wolvie before I knew for sure Kurt's death might be in vain."
However Ash took this seriously. "True."
"WHAT!" I said shocked. "You don't think that… he'd… really?"
Ash shook her head sadly "No… he'll probably just break his legs… and possibly his tail."
I gulped… this was bad. Damn my body and its desire to reproduce!
"Hey Mel, what's up you look white as a sheet." Bounce smiled popping up at my right, separating me from Ash's comforting smile.
"Yeah, sheesh you look like your having kids." Jubes said with a brash smile, rubbing my back harshly. All I could do was blanch even whiter.
"Not exactly the best phrasing." Whispered Ash under her breath, but if I could hear it then Bounce and Jubes could.
"What?" they said in unison as Kat continued to douse her flaming head in the sink.
"Kidding… Mel… she's… Mel tell them!" she urged.
"No!" I moaned. Then after a sharp prod I sat up straight. "The river ain't run red yet…" I moaned embarrassed.
"That happens in the bible doesn't it… on judgement day! I think we should be glad that hasn't happened yet!" Jubes said, proud of herself that she'd been clever.
"No!!!" Ash smiled with the twinkle in her eye that said shed thump her in a minute for being so stupid. "What Mel means is…" She looked at me just as embarrassed, and dropped her voice 4 octaves into almost a whisper. "She hasn't had the painters in yet… and she's worried that they won't come."
Bounce looked shocked and raised her had to her mouth "…But Mel… your rooms such a lovely shade of white, and since Kurt moved in and you got rid of most of those girly bits its really beautiful, you don't need to redecorate." She exclaimed and me and Ash simultaneously rolled our eyes and wiped our brows. This was too difficult for words…
"No Bounce… Jubes… you're both really not getting the point here, see Mel here thinks that she might just be…"
I cut in… "Preggers. Knocked up. With child. Expecting. Baking a bun in the oven. Pregnant. Take your pick." I moaned sadly.
"Ok, I'll take with child, Bounce which do you want?" Jubes said excited.
Then I felt two arms rap around my waist.
"OHHH MELLY!!!! OH WE CAN BE PREGNANT TOGETHER AND I CAN GIVE BIRTH TO A LITTLE ICE CUBE AND YOU CAN HAVE A LITTLE BALL OF BLUE FUR!!!" Kat screamed with delight. "AND WE CAN GO BABY CLOTHES SHOPPING AND I CAN HELP YOU CUT OUT HOLES IN ALL THE LITTLE BABY GROS FOR ITS TAIL!!! AND WE CAN BE LIKE SISTERS!!!" I smiled sadly… I didn't have the heart to point out the fact that if I was having a baby she wasn't. Also I didn't have the heart to point out that her makeshift baby was singeing the bottom of my hair. So I looked to Ash, begging her to explain.
"Kat, first of all can you continue to douse those flames cause they're quite distracting…"
"And hypnotising…" Jubes smiled waving her head back and forth watching the flames before falling into a heap on the floor.
Kat sulked back to the basin and doused the flames for a final time before they went out. Then she sadly dragged the disintegrating bag off her head and looking at it sheepishly.
"I hope that doesn't happen so easily with the real baby." She moaned before handing it to me. "Your turn."
"No thanks." I said dropping the thing to the floor because of the heat radiating from it… however I guessed that Kat couldn't register heat in her fingertips, that's why she'd been ok holding it.
"OOOOHHHH NOOO!" she screamed, dropping to her knees. "You can't just abandon a baby like that Mel, it doesn't matter what it looks like, its still a human being!"
"It's a bag of sugar!" I scoffed.
She shushed me "Don't listen to her baby, I don't care what you look like, I'll raise you like my own." She said hugging the 'baby' to her chest.
"Ash please!" I pleaded with my leader to end the charade.
"Only if you tell Kurt."
"Scouts honour!" I smiled raising my hand.
"You weren't in the scouts?" Ash pointed out.
"Oh yeah." I blushed, lowering my hand. "But I promise I'll tell him."
"Ok. Kat babe I've got some bad news…" Ash said kneeling beside the 'mother and baby' with an evil grin on her face.
5 minutes later!!!
"MEL YOU ALWAYS STEAL MY THUNDER! COULDN'T YOU JUST LET ME BE PREGNANT FOR ONCE!!! I'LL MAKE A GREAT MOTHER! I HAD THE BAG OF SUGAR AND NOTHING BAD HAPPENED TO HIM DID IT!?!?" Kat shouted trying to jump at me. Luckily Ash and Jubes were restraining her while Bounce batted away the flying objects that Kat was hurling at me as I stood out of harms way on top of the table.
And the sugar that she was so good at looking after… that had been the first thing she'd thrown at me.
"It would have been a bit suspicious after 9 months if I had a baby and you still had a bag of sugar wouldn't it!" I called down to her.
"DON'T BE SMART! THE BAG WAS A BABY! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU AREN'T GOING TO HAVE A BAG OF SUGAR?!"
"BECAUSE IF I AM HAVING A BABY THEN MINE WILL BE FLESH AND BLOOD NOT PROCESSED CANE!!" I screamed back. And Kat froze staring at me with all the hatred she could, then it disappeared and she started to make her way to the living room… leaving me on the table, Bounce in her colander helmet still guarding me from aerial assault and the others simply looking after her.
And I'm sure I heard her moan as she left…
"GOD YOU ARE SO IMMATURE MEL!"
Remember guest authors need reviewing too! Even more so in fact as it encourages them to come back and write some more and besides with out her Retribution X would have finished with the last story because I lost motivation half way through this but she spurred me on by being a general annoyance.
