Title: A Piece of Our Minds: Round 2

Rating: PG (Strong language is represented by BEEP as it would be on the real show. I'm sure you can fill in the gaps) J

Spoilers: None (But you need to have read the first chapter)

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, they belong to the lovely people at MGM, Showtime and Brad Wright. Obviously, Jerry Springer is a hugely successful chat show host and I mean him no disrespect, and no copyright infringement was intended – please don't sue me!!

Summary: Makepeace hasn't finished yet, it's back to Jerry Springer for ROUND TWO!!

~ A Piece of our Minds: Round 2 ~

By Ruth

'A Piece of Our Minds' Series Copyright © 2003, Ruth

**********

"Hello, and welcome to the Jerry Springer show! Today we have some guests with us that you will all remember - the formidable SG-3!"

(SG-3 walk onstage in an incredibly macho way, audience boos them VERY loudly.)

"Shut the f-BEEP up!" Makepeace snarled.

"Oh, hi guys!" Jerry smiled, "Just to remind you, this is Makepeace, Edelson, Noble and Lucas. How've you been since we last saw you, guys?"

"Okay," said Edelson, gruffly.

"Yeah, just been out saving the world, and junk," Lucas replied.

(Someone from the audience shouts: BULLSHIT!)

"Oh yeah? I suppose if SG-1 told you this you'd be falling at their feet! Bunch of f-BEEP-ers!"

(More booing from audience)

"Why the f-BEEP did we bother coming on here?" Noble asked, "It's obvious that they just hate our f-BEEP asses!"

(Cheering from audience)

"SHUT UP!"

"Uh, listen guys, we brought you here today because we want to learn about you, not SG-1. We're sure that you're very caring, compassionate men underneath the bravado." Jerry smiled.

Makepeace looked at him for a long moment, and raised an eyebrow.

"Do I look caring and compassionate?" he asked, trying not to grit his teeth.

"Uh…well…not at the moment, no!" Jerry laughed, edging slowly away from him, "Let's talk to this man - you must be Lucas!"

"No, I'm Edelson, get it f-BEEP-ing right!"

(Booing from audience)

Makepeace stood up, grabbed a chair and threw it into the audience.

"SHUT UP!"

"Okay, uh, well…Robbie - can I call you Robbie? - you…uh…can't throw chairs at the audience…"

"I'll do what I f-BEEP-ing well like! And NO, YOU CANNOT CALL ME ROBBIE!"

"Okay…uh…fine….what would you like to talk about, guys, what would make you happy at the moment?"

Edelson whispered something in Makepeace's ear and he grinned.

"Drag SG-1's scrawny asses onstage so we can kick the s-BEEP out of them!"

(Booing from audience, abruptly stopped when a chair is picked up and waved threateningly)

"SHUT UP!"

"Okay, guys, you seem to be saying that a lot - why are you so angry? Do you have problems at home?"

Makepeace looked at Jerry for a long moment.

"Please, Jerry, I don't want to hurt you!"

"Then tell me, Makepeace - why are you always so mad?"

"I DON'T KNOW! MAYBE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT I'VE BEEN DRAGGED ON THIS SHOW AGAIN, OR MAYBE BECAUSE I'M TIRED AND WANT TO GO HOME AND HAVE A BEER, BUT NNOOOO, I HAVE TO DRAG MY MEN ON JERRY F-BEEP-ING SPRINGER!"

"Makepeace, calm down!"

"NO I WILL NOT F-BEEP-ING CALM DOWN!"

"Security!" Jerry shouted, "Have this man restrained!"

(Makepeace is dragged off kicking and screaming by security guards.)

"So..Lucas?"

"No, I'm Edelson. That's Lucas!"

"But I thought that was Noble!"

"Jeez, man! Do you even know who the f-BEEP we are? D'ya want us to make ourselves f-BEEP-ing name tags?"

"If that would make you happy, Noble, we'll bring you some crayons."

"I'M NOT NOBLE, I'M EDELSON!"

"Oh…okay…why don't we bring on our second set of guests - SG-1!"

(Wild cheering from audience, underpants thrown at Jack)

"Thank you, my fans!" Jack beamed, pulling a thong off of his head.

"Oh, not you!" Edelson snarled, standing up with his fists clenched.

"Where's Robbie the Reindeer?" Jack asked, "He's normally here shifting his gigantic butt around!"

(Cheering from audience)

"Don't you insult my CO like that, you punk!" Noble spat, standing up and literally spitting at Daniel.

"That really is a very disgusting habit ya got there, Noble," Daniel replied, wiping the spit off of his face with his sleeve.

"Bring it on, rock-boy!" he roared, charging at Daniel with his head lowered.

As Noble rugby-tackled Daniel to the floor, Jack launched himself at Edelson, and they both ended up rolling around on the floor, with fists flying everywhere.

Sam looked at her CO and Daniel having the crap beaten out of them on the floor and sighed, deeply. She looked up at Teal'c, and they both sighed again.

It was then that Lucas ran at Teal'c, his arms flailing and fists aimed at Teal'c's head. Teal'c calmly held his fist out, and Lucas ran into it, knocking himself out.

(Cheering from audience)

"Not so fast!" an angry voice growled from the back of the stage. It was Makepeace - he'd escaped the security guards!

Teal'c squared his shoulders and looked at Makepeace threateningly.

"What's the matter, sweetie?" Makepeace asked Sam, "D'you need a bodyguard now?"

Sam's eyes narrowed as Makepeace came towards her, and she brought her foot up to make contact with his groin.

"AAAGGHH! F-BEEP!"

She barely had time to be pleased with herself because he grabbed a fistfull of her hair and pulled, hard. She kicked out at him and looked to Teal'c for reassurance.

Unfortunately, Teal'c was restraining Lucas, who had woken up and was still trying to maim him.

Jack and Edelson were still trading insults and punches. Very little of their shouted and confused conversations could be heard, but a tape recording of the studio sounded like this:

"Aagh! Get the f-BEEP off of my f-BEEP arm, you b-BEEP!"

"You fight like a f-BEEP-ing woman!"

"Ow!"

"Sorry, Sam, I thought you were Edelson!"

"OW!"

"Sorry Lucas, I thought you were Jack!"

Jerry stood at the edge of the stage, watching helplessly.

"These people clearly need help," he sighed, and pulled out his cellphone.

Meanwhile, Sam had managed to free herself from Makepeace's grip and had tackled him to the floor.

"In other circumstances I might enjoy this, Major!" he drawled with a smirk.

"F-BEEP you!" she spat, trying to punch him in the face but missing. He rolled out of her grasp and over to a chair. He picked up the chair and threw it in Sam's direction.

"Hey! HEY!" Jerry shouted, "I told you - NO THROWING FURNITURE!"

Sam picked up the cushion that was on the chair and smashed it over Robert's head, sending feathers flying everywhere.

"You f-BEEP-ing b-BEEP!"

Makepeace took up the other cushion and ran after Sam, who was trying to make an escape.

Daniel and Noble had reached the other side of the stage where the drinking water was kept, and were still fighting. Daniel reached up and grabbed the jug of water, tipping it over Noble's face.

"Agh! F-BEEP you, archaeology-boy!" he snarled, grabbing the piece of lemon and ramming it up Daniel's nose.

"AAAGGGGHHHH I'LL BE SNEEZING CITRUS FOR A WEEK!"

"Guys!" Jerry called above the racket, "I've got some good news for you!"

Makepeace looked up, his hand still clasped the front of Sam's shirt, blood running from her nose.

Jack looked up from Edelson, a large black eye developing.

Daniel looked up from Noble, pulling bits of lemon out of his nostril.

Teal'c looked up from Lucas, Lucas' hand clenched around his left ear.

"I've booked you all into an anger-management course!" Jerry smiled. "You'll be spending four weeks together in a hotel learning how to love each other!"

There was a long, terrible silence.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

TO BE CONTINUED…

Next Time: SG-1 and SG-3 run into trouble on their journey to Hollywood. Eight people who hate each other are stuck in a Land Rover for many hours. It's a recipe for disaster.