"Trust," Xander said, as he sat on Willow's bed. "I don't deserve yours.
Not yet."
"Of course you do," Buffy replied. "You've never done anything to betray it."
"Yes," he said. "I have. And every little bit of me wants me to have you promise that things will be okay before I tell you, but I can't do that, because I don't want to make you promise something I don't know if you can keep."
"That's the point of a promise, Xan."
"I know. But don't."
"You do realize you're scaring me?"
"I know. I'm pretty scared myself, but this is something I have to do."
"Okay. I'm ready."
Xander took a deep breath, closed his eyes and steeled himself.
"I knew that Willow was going to do the spell."
"What spell?"
"To give Angel back his soul. I knew, and I didn't tell you."
Buffy looked horrified. "You what?" she whispered.
"I knew, and I lied. I was worried that if you knew, you wouldn't fight your hardest, that you'd try to stall until he was himself again. So I chose. The man you loved. . . for the world."
Buffy was silent, in shock. Xander sat there, across from her, unable to say anything. Buffy took a deep breath, and stood up. She walked over to him, and cupped his face in her hand. He looked up at her, a tear running down his cheek. Buffy tenderly wiped it away with her thumb, leaned down and kissed Xander on the forehead. She took her hand away from his face. He looked her in the eyes. She smiled at him.
Then she smacked him.
"Leave," she said.
Xander's eyes filled with pain, regret and resignation. His shoulders sagged, and he slowly stood up, walked to the door and opened it.
"I don't want to lose you," he said.
"I don't want that either. But I can't deal with you being here right now."
"I love you."
"I know."
Xander's head dropped and he walked away, letting the door shut behind him.
* * * * *
"Buffy? What is it, what's wrong?" Willow asked, rushing over to her friend.
"Willow?" Buffy asked through her tears. "I thought you were staying with Oz tonight."
"I was, but Xander called and said you needed me. He wouldn't say why, though."
Buffy laughed bitterly. "No. I don't suppose he would."
"What happened? Did you guys have a fight?"
Buffy shook her head. "When. . . when you were doing the spell. . . the one to give Angel back his soul. . . Xander came to find me."
"Okay. . ." Willow said, unsure of where Buffy was going.
"He found me on the way to the mansion. . . and. . ."
"And what?"
Buffy was almost sobbing at this point. "He told me that. . . that you said. . . that you said to kick Angel's ass."
Willow's brow furrowed for a moment, then her eyebrows shot up as she gasped in shock, her hands rushing to her mouth, the full weight of what Buffy said hitting her.
"He lied," she said simply.
Buffy nodded and broke down again. Willow rushed over to her and held her as she cried. After a few minutes, Buffy calmed down again.
"So what does this mean?" Willow asked.
Buffy shook her head. "I don't know. I mean. . . I love him so much, Will. But how can I. . . I mean, after that. . ."
"I don't know, sweetie."
Neither of them said anything else, and they sat there until Buffy fell asleep.
* * * * *
"It is eight-thirty in the morning. This had better be good," Willow said into the phone.
[How is she?] the voice asked.
"Xander?"
[God, no. I don't sound like him, do I?]
Willow waited for the voice to register. "Angel?"
[Yeah. How is she?]
"Um. . . not so good. But she's asleep. Angel, how did you-"
[Look, I don't want to be pushy, but can you wake her up? It's really important.]
"Um. . . yeah. Hold on."
Willow shook Buffy until she woke up, then held out the phone to her. Buffy looked at her questioningly, and Willow mouthed "Angel."
Confused, Buffy took the phone as Willow got up and headed for the showers. "Hello?"
[Buffy. How are you?]
"Angel?"
[Yeah. Listen, I thought you might want to know that I have something of yours.]
"You what?"
[Have something of yours. Kind of important, too.]
"What is it?"
[Xander.]
Buffy sat bolt upright. "What!?"
[I have Xander.]
"Angel, I swear if you've hurt him. . . why are you laughing?"
[I didn't kidnap him, Buffy. He showed up last night in a Zebra-striped van demanding to talk to me.]
"He what?"
[Yeah. Then he told me some stuff about what happened right before my visit to Hell.]
"Oh. Wait, he told you so you'd, what, tell me to forgive him?"
[No, nothing like that. And if he had, I wouldn't. In fact, I'm not. I don't like him very much, you know.]
"Okay. So why did he tell you?"
[Same reason he told you. To apologize, and because he thought I deserved to know.]
"Oh. Then what?"
[What do you think? I punched him. A lot. He didn't even fight back.]
"Is he-"
[And then, with impeccable timing, Cordelia walks in, sees me pummeling Xander and tries to stake me because she assumed I'd gone evil again somehow.]
Buffy actually laughed at that. "Cordelia tried to stake you?"
[Yeah. So I calmed down and explained to her what happened.]
"And then?"
[She walked over and punched him in the face.]
"Oh."
[And then she punched me, too.]
"What?"
[And then she gave me a speech. It was very well done, her acting lessons have really paid off. Anyway, she told me about the spell, and the attacks, and about you.]
"Me?"
[Yeah. Specifically, how you were. Your. . . um. . . mental state when you found out about the spell. And she said even though at the time she helped Willow do the spell, looking back she'd have done the same thing Xander did.]
"I can't believe-"
[And she was right.]
"What?"
[She was right. And so was Xander.]
"How can you -"
[It's simple. It's about choices. And it's about knowing the people you love. And Xander knows you, he always has. I may not like the outcome, but Xander did the right thing. He knew you, and how you had been acting, and he thought that if you knew. . . you might not fight hard enough. And so he chose saving the lives of six billion people over the possibility of hurting someone he loved. And he made the right choice.]
"What are you trying to tell me?"
[After that talk with Cordy last night, while she tended to Xander's wounds, I forgave Xander. Because he made the same choice I would have. The world is more important than one person, even if it is me.]
"Are you telling me to forgive him?"
[No. I can't make that decision for you. But think about what happened. Think about how much he loves you, because as much as me and him will never get along, the one thing we agree on, the one thing we always have agreed on, is helping you. And that boy would do anything for you. So think. About him. About you. About everything he's done for you, and ask yourself what you should do.]
"Where is he?"
[He's over at Cordy's, sleeping.]
A burst of jealousy shot through her, which she quickly suppressed.
"Cordy's?" she asked.
[Yeah. Her place is nicer than mine, and she didn't feel comfortable leaving him here after. . . well, after I beat him up.]
"How bad is he?"
[Just some bruises, maybe a cut lip. He'll be fine in no time. Cordy already called his job, told them he was attacked and that he'd be in tomorrow. She's going to drive him back up when he wakes up.]
"Oh."
[Don't.]
"What?"
[Don't get jealous. He wouldn't do that. . . well, not again. . . and neither would she. She's. . . different than when she lived in Sunnydale. More mature.]
Buffy raised her eyebrow even though he couldn't see it. "Is that attraction I hear in your voice?"
[What!? No! No. Um. . . just a healthy respect for a co-worker and friend.]
"Mmhmm."
[I mean it. No. . . uh, no attraction. At all.]
"You're a horrible liar, Angel."
[I'm serious!]
"Uh huh. Okay."
[I mean it.]
"Right."
Angel sighed. [Anyway, that's not the only reason I called. Listen, I'm sorry about how I acted the other night. It was inappropriate, and not really me. I just. . . figured out why you were asking those questions, and suddenly it felt like I was losing you all over again. I. . . didn't deal well, and I kind of went crazy. I'm sorry.]
"It's okay, Angel. Just. . . don't do it again."
Angel chuckled. [I won't. I promise. You won't have any trouble from me about Xander, unless we're in the same room together.]
"Well, I guess that's the best I can hope for."
[Yeah. Well, anyway. . . look, just think about what I said, okay?]
"I will. And. . . thanks."
[For calling, or kicking his ass? Because, that part was really fun. . .]
"A little of both, I think. Could you have Cordy drop him off at the campus? I need to talk to him."
[Of course.]
"Okay. Thank you Angel."
[Anytime. Bye.]
"Bye."
*click*
* * * * *
"Okay. So explain to me again how this is going to work," Xander said.
"God, are you deficient? What part don't you understand?" Cordelia asked him.
"The part where she takes me baaAAACk! Could you keep your eyes on the road!?"
"Look, Harris," she said while cutting across two lanes of traffic without signaling, "you grovel. Get on your knees, flowers in one hand, chocolate in the other, balloons tied to your belt behind you. Knock on the door with your head, not feet, because it sounds realer."
"How do you know that?"
"I just do, okay? Now, when she opens the door, you beg, and don't stop until she takes you back."
"But what if she doesn't."
"You really are very stupid. Xander, she chose you over Angel. And him she forgave for trying to send the world to Hell!"
"But he wasn't himself at the time. I was. I don't even know if I deserve to be taken back. I mean, I made her kill the cradle-robbing undead guy she loved. . . by lying to her."
"No, idiot. Well, okay, yes. But also, no. You needed her to save the world. You did what you thought you had to for that to happen. She'll understand."
"I believe she'll understand. I just don't believe she'll take me back."
"She loves you!" she said, cutting off a car and honking at it. "God, learn to drive!"
Xander paled visibly and gripped the armrest tighter.
"Where was I?"
"Um. . . she loves me?"
"Right. She loves you. It may take some time, but she will forgive you and take you back."
"I don't know. . ."
"Are you being this insecure to aggravate me, or were you dropped on your head as a child?"
"Both. And that last one's your fault."
"What? When?"
"First grade. You pushed me off the jungle gym."
"Oh. Yeah. Well, I only did that because you called me a big, mean, stupid- head."
"I know. And I only did that because you pulled Willow's hair."
"Yeah, but. . . oh. Well fine! You and your precious Willow."
The van was silent for a minute.
"Cor?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry I hurt you. I never meant for that to happen."
Cordelia rolled her eyes.
"Get over yourself, Harris," she said, smiling.
"Yes, ma'am."
* * * * *
"Okay, flowers?"
"Check."
"Chocolate?"
"Check."
"Balloons secured tightly above your ass?"
"Again, check."
"Now, go over the plan again."
"I walk into the dorm, embarrassing myself in front of my intellectual superiors. I kneel outside of Buffy's door and knock on it with my head. When she opens it, I beg and grovel until she takes me back."
"Good. Now, where do I take this striped monstrosity?"
"Giles's. Everyone will show up there later."
"Okay."
"Thank you, Cordelia," Xander said, giving her a hug. "For helping me here, and last night. And for. . ."
"Yeah, yeah. You're getting all mushy and people are staring."
Xander chuckled. "Don't ever change, Cor."
She snorted. "As if!"
Xander smiled and turned to face the building.
"Xander?"
"Yeah?"
"Good luck."
He nodded. "Thanks."
--------
End Chapter 14
"Of course you do," Buffy replied. "You've never done anything to betray it."
"Yes," he said. "I have. And every little bit of me wants me to have you promise that things will be okay before I tell you, but I can't do that, because I don't want to make you promise something I don't know if you can keep."
"That's the point of a promise, Xan."
"I know. But don't."
"You do realize you're scaring me?"
"I know. I'm pretty scared myself, but this is something I have to do."
"Okay. I'm ready."
Xander took a deep breath, closed his eyes and steeled himself.
"I knew that Willow was going to do the spell."
"What spell?"
"To give Angel back his soul. I knew, and I didn't tell you."
Buffy looked horrified. "You what?" she whispered.
"I knew, and I lied. I was worried that if you knew, you wouldn't fight your hardest, that you'd try to stall until he was himself again. So I chose. The man you loved. . . for the world."
Buffy was silent, in shock. Xander sat there, across from her, unable to say anything. Buffy took a deep breath, and stood up. She walked over to him, and cupped his face in her hand. He looked up at her, a tear running down his cheek. Buffy tenderly wiped it away with her thumb, leaned down and kissed Xander on the forehead. She took her hand away from his face. He looked her in the eyes. She smiled at him.
Then she smacked him.
"Leave," she said.
Xander's eyes filled with pain, regret and resignation. His shoulders sagged, and he slowly stood up, walked to the door and opened it.
"I don't want to lose you," he said.
"I don't want that either. But I can't deal with you being here right now."
"I love you."
"I know."
Xander's head dropped and he walked away, letting the door shut behind him.
* * * * *
"Buffy? What is it, what's wrong?" Willow asked, rushing over to her friend.
"Willow?" Buffy asked through her tears. "I thought you were staying with Oz tonight."
"I was, but Xander called and said you needed me. He wouldn't say why, though."
Buffy laughed bitterly. "No. I don't suppose he would."
"What happened? Did you guys have a fight?"
Buffy shook her head. "When. . . when you were doing the spell. . . the one to give Angel back his soul. . . Xander came to find me."
"Okay. . ." Willow said, unsure of where Buffy was going.
"He found me on the way to the mansion. . . and. . ."
"And what?"
Buffy was almost sobbing at this point. "He told me that. . . that you said. . . that you said to kick Angel's ass."
Willow's brow furrowed for a moment, then her eyebrows shot up as she gasped in shock, her hands rushing to her mouth, the full weight of what Buffy said hitting her.
"He lied," she said simply.
Buffy nodded and broke down again. Willow rushed over to her and held her as she cried. After a few minutes, Buffy calmed down again.
"So what does this mean?" Willow asked.
Buffy shook her head. "I don't know. I mean. . . I love him so much, Will. But how can I. . . I mean, after that. . ."
"I don't know, sweetie."
Neither of them said anything else, and they sat there until Buffy fell asleep.
* * * * *
"It is eight-thirty in the morning. This had better be good," Willow said into the phone.
[How is she?] the voice asked.
"Xander?"
[God, no. I don't sound like him, do I?]
Willow waited for the voice to register. "Angel?"
[Yeah. How is she?]
"Um. . . not so good. But she's asleep. Angel, how did you-"
[Look, I don't want to be pushy, but can you wake her up? It's really important.]
"Um. . . yeah. Hold on."
Willow shook Buffy until she woke up, then held out the phone to her. Buffy looked at her questioningly, and Willow mouthed "Angel."
Confused, Buffy took the phone as Willow got up and headed for the showers. "Hello?"
[Buffy. How are you?]
"Angel?"
[Yeah. Listen, I thought you might want to know that I have something of yours.]
"You what?"
[Have something of yours. Kind of important, too.]
"What is it?"
[Xander.]
Buffy sat bolt upright. "What!?"
[I have Xander.]
"Angel, I swear if you've hurt him. . . why are you laughing?"
[I didn't kidnap him, Buffy. He showed up last night in a Zebra-striped van demanding to talk to me.]
"He what?"
[Yeah. Then he told me some stuff about what happened right before my visit to Hell.]
"Oh. Wait, he told you so you'd, what, tell me to forgive him?"
[No, nothing like that. And if he had, I wouldn't. In fact, I'm not. I don't like him very much, you know.]
"Okay. So why did he tell you?"
[Same reason he told you. To apologize, and because he thought I deserved to know.]
"Oh. Then what?"
[What do you think? I punched him. A lot. He didn't even fight back.]
"Is he-"
[And then, with impeccable timing, Cordelia walks in, sees me pummeling Xander and tries to stake me because she assumed I'd gone evil again somehow.]
Buffy actually laughed at that. "Cordelia tried to stake you?"
[Yeah. So I calmed down and explained to her what happened.]
"And then?"
[She walked over and punched him in the face.]
"Oh."
[And then she punched me, too.]
"What?"
[And then she gave me a speech. It was very well done, her acting lessons have really paid off. Anyway, she told me about the spell, and the attacks, and about you.]
"Me?"
[Yeah. Specifically, how you were. Your. . . um. . . mental state when you found out about the spell. And she said even though at the time she helped Willow do the spell, looking back she'd have done the same thing Xander did.]
"I can't believe-"
[And she was right.]
"What?"
[She was right. And so was Xander.]
"How can you -"
[It's simple. It's about choices. And it's about knowing the people you love. And Xander knows you, he always has. I may not like the outcome, but Xander did the right thing. He knew you, and how you had been acting, and he thought that if you knew. . . you might not fight hard enough. And so he chose saving the lives of six billion people over the possibility of hurting someone he loved. And he made the right choice.]
"What are you trying to tell me?"
[After that talk with Cordy last night, while she tended to Xander's wounds, I forgave Xander. Because he made the same choice I would have. The world is more important than one person, even if it is me.]
"Are you telling me to forgive him?"
[No. I can't make that decision for you. But think about what happened. Think about how much he loves you, because as much as me and him will never get along, the one thing we agree on, the one thing we always have agreed on, is helping you. And that boy would do anything for you. So think. About him. About you. About everything he's done for you, and ask yourself what you should do.]
"Where is he?"
[He's over at Cordy's, sleeping.]
A burst of jealousy shot through her, which she quickly suppressed.
"Cordy's?" she asked.
[Yeah. Her place is nicer than mine, and she didn't feel comfortable leaving him here after. . . well, after I beat him up.]
"How bad is he?"
[Just some bruises, maybe a cut lip. He'll be fine in no time. Cordy already called his job, told them he was attacked and that he'd be in tomorrow. She's going to drive him back up when he wakes up.]
"Oh."
[Don't.]
"What?"
[Don't get jealous. He wouldn't do that. . . well, not again. . . and neither would she. She's. . . different than when she lived in Sunnydale. More mature.]
Buffy raised her eyebrow even though he couldn't see it. "Is that attraction I hear in your voice?"
[What!? No! No. Um. . . just a healthy respect for a co-worker and friend.]
"Mmhmm."
[I mean it. No. . . uh, no attraction. At all.]
"You're a horrible liar, Angel."
[I'm serious!]
"Uh huh. Okay."
[I mean it.]
"Right."
Angel sighed. [Anyway, that's not the only reason I called. Listen, I'm sorry about how I acted the other night. It was inappropriate, and not really me. I just. . . figured out why you were asking those questions, and suddenly it felt like I was losing you all over again. I. . . didn't deal well, and I kind of went crazy. I'm sorry.]
"It's okay, Angel. Just. . . don't do it again."
Angel chuckled. [I won't. I promise. You won't have any trouble from me about Xander, unless we're in the same room together.]
"Well, I guess that's the best I can hope for."
[Yeah. Well, anyway. . . look, just think about what I said, okay?]
"I will. And. . . thanks."
[For calling, or kicking his ass? Because, that part was really fun. . .]
"A little of both, I think. Could you have Cordy drop him off at the campus? I need to talk to him."
[Of course.]
"Okay. Thank you Angel."
[Anytime. Bye.]
"Bye."
*click*
* * * * *
"Okay. So explain to me again how this is going to work," Xander said.
"God, are you deficient? What part don't you understand?" Cordelia asked him.
"The part where she takes me baaAAACk! Could you keep your eyes on the road!?"
"Look, Harris," she said while cutting across two lanes of traffic without signaling, "you grovel. Get on your knees, flowers in one hand, chocolate in the other, balloons tied to your belt behind you. Knock on the door with your head, not feet, because it sounds realer."
"How do you know that?"
"I just do, okay? Now, when she opens the door, you beg, and don't stop until she takes you back."
"But what if she doesn't."
"You really are very stupid. Xander, she chose you over Angel. And him she forgave for trying to send the world to Hell!"
"But he wasn't himself at the time. I was. I don't even know if I deserve to be taken back. I mean, I made her kill the cradle-robbing undead guy she loved. . . by lying to her."
"No, idiot. Well, okay, yes. But also, no. You needed her to save the world. You did what you thought you had to for that to happen. She'll understand."
"I believe she'll understand. I just don't believe she'll take me back."
"She loves you!" she said, cutting off a car and honking at it. "God, learn to drive!"
Xander paled visibly and gripped the armrest tighter.
"Where was I?"
"Um. . . she loves me?"
"Right. She loves you. It may take some time, but she will forgive you and take you back."
"I don't know. . ."
"Are you being this insecure to aggravate me, or were you dropped on your head as a child?"
"Both. And that last one's your fault."
"What? When?"
"First grade. You pushed me off the jungle gym."
"Oh. Yeah. Well, I only did that because you called me a big, mean, stupid- head."
"I know. And I only did that because you pulled Willow's hair."
"Yeah, but. . . oh. Well fine! You and your precious Willow."
The van was silent for a minute.
"Cor?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry I hurt you. I never meant for that to happen."
Cordelia rolled her eyes.
"Get over yourself, Harris," she said, smiling.
"Yes, ma'am."
* * * * *
"Okay, flowers?"
"Check."
"Chocolate?"
"Check."
"Balloons secured tightly above your ass?"
"Again, check."
"Now, go over the plan again."
"I walk into the dorm, embarrassing myself in front of my intellectual superiors. I kneel outside of Buffy's door and knock on it with my head. When she opens it, I beg and grovel until she takes me back."
"Good. Now, where do I take this striped monstrosity?"
"Giles's. Everyone will show up there later."
"Okay."
"Thank you, Cordelia," Xander said, giving her a hug. "For helping me here, and last night. And for. . ."
"Yeah, yeah. You're getting all mushy and people are staring."
Xander chuckled. "Don't ever change, Cor."
She snorted. "As if!"
Xander smiled and turned to face the building.
"Xander?"
"Yeah?"
"Good luck."
He nodded. "Thanks."
--------
End Chapter 14
