Chapter Three - tRoUBLEs WiTh iDeNtiTy

It has been a week since Torah pointed out the Marauders to me and a lot has changed. Also, a lot hasn't change. I'm still "Little Miss Perfect", I still haven't been in trouble with any teachers and no boy has laid a finger on me. But then in this week, I've met a boy who I just can't stop thinking about, my best friend got the boy of her dreams and we hardly spend time with any other Ravenclaws. The Gryffindor house has adopted us with open arms and their common room is where we spend most of our time. And most of THAT time, I spend with James. Well my best friend has stolen his best friend, so I guess we can only hang around each other. It makes it hard to keep my act up. It's not exactly the easiest thing to do, trying to be something I'm not. And having a boy catching me off guard doesn't help. I'm not sure, but I think James has caught on that I'm not exactly who I am.

"Look at that pair," James laughed, putting his butterbeer up to his lips. I was sitting on a couch with him in the Gryffindor common room. The fire was roaring and on a couch near by, Sirius and Torah was practically joined at the mouth. That has been a common scene ever since Sirius and Torah started dating. James and I somehow put up with it.

"I know, it's disgusting. You think they would think of others," I sipped my butterbeer as well. Somehow, James went away for a while and came back with an armful of butterbeers and chocolate frogs. We have been sitting here, feasting ourselves whilst watching over the couple. James looked thoughtful for a moment, staring into his bottle of butterbeer. I looked into mine. I didn't know what had caught his attention.

"You know Lily; I don't think you need to wear all that makeup. Torah showed me a photo you gave her of you and your sister and you weren't wearing-" James opened his mouth to continue.

"James, I already told you I don't like talking about it," I tried to stop the conversation, "So when are you playing Ravenc-"

"Lily, seriously. You're beautiful already..." James realized what he said. I looked at him and his face was slightly pink. I laughed as if he told a hilarious joke and he tried to giggle. I knew he had no idea why I was laughing, I don't blame him. I didn't know either!

"James. I don't feel like talking about it ok?" I whispered. I thought about why I wore my make up and felt my body start to shake. I felt almost sick. Some weird feeling came over me.

"Are you ok Lily?" James sounded concerned.

His voice was so close but so far away...

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"Hey Lily," I heard a familiar voice whisper.

I rubbed my eyes. My vision was a little blurred. It only took a second for the room to come clear. I was lying down and everything around me was white. I saw James Potter looking down at me; his hands were holding one of mine. I sat up to see across from me were rows of beds. I was in the hospital wing.

"What happened?" I asked James. It seemed to be only James and I in here. I wondered how I got here.

"I was talking to you and you started to shake all over. You fainted so I took you straight here. Sirius helped," James was watching me, almost like he was waiting for me to have another shaking fit. I took my hand from his grips and started to climb out of bed.

"I'm going back to my bed. I feel fine. Do you know where my robes are?" I walked to the bed of my bed. James pointed to the set of drawers on the other side of the bed to him. I walked around and found the robes I had been wearing were folded neatly in the top drawer.

"Are you sure you're ok? The nurse said you should be alright and that you can leave...it was scary Lily," James was whispering. I had put on my robes over my school uniform. I could see out the window and it was very dark. It was probably 8 or 9 o'clock. I realized what James had said.

"I scared you?" I asked James. I looked in a mirror hanging on the wall above the set of drawers to see my make-up was fine. I was lucky I didn't have it worn off. I stared into my eyes, trying to step into my character. I heard James speak again.

"Yes...you were shaking really bad Lily. I thought you were having some sort of seizure. You're eyes were rolling back. I tried to find your pulse but I couldn't find it. I thought you were d-" James choked. I rolled my eyes.

"James, don't be silly. I WAS fine and I am fine. You probably just couldn't find my pulse. Sometimes I can't find my own pulse, but I know I am alive!" I knew I was being a bitch but I knew the longer time I spent with James; the harder it was getting from being my true self. Not even Torah did this to me. I grabbed anything I knew belonged to me and hurried out of the hospital wing.

I tried to jog down the hall but I felt a hand grab my arm and slow me down. James looked distressed and I felt horrible. No matter how much I didn't want to, I had to get away from James.

"Please Lily! Don't run! I was so worried about you, I didn't know what had happened," James's voice was croaky, he sounded like he was about to break down. I felt tears started to form in the corner of my green eyes. I couldn't be weak. The Perfect Lily Evans never cried!

"James, go away!" I started to jog again; James lost his grip and ran after me. I felt a tear run down my cheek. I needed to get away. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to go on without telling James the truth about my life.

"Lily! Please! Don't run! I think I love you" James cried. I stopped and twirled around to face James Potter. The boy who gave me a sugar quill. The boy who I could never stop thinking about. The boy I think I love too. He was standing in the middle of the hallway. I saw a lone tear run down his cheek. Half of me wanted to run up to him, cuddle him and kiss him on those desirable lips. But the other half took control. More tears ran down my face as I stood there looking at him.

"No.....take it back....." I cried and ran away. I couldn't hear James behind me but I kept running. I didn't want James near me. He has been the closest person to me ever and he is breaking through my mask. I kept running around the confusing Hogwarts corridors. I didn't even know where I was. I stopped in the middle of a dark corridor and wipe my eyes. I leant against the wall and slid down onto the floor. Somehow I was lost. I knew I'd find my way out, I just hoped it would be soon.

I was sitting on the floor and looked at my surroundings. It was dark, a torch was lit a little further down the corridor and it was flickering. The walls were stone and very cold. It looked familiar to the dungeon I studied Potions in. Then it hit me, I probably was in a dungeon. I heard someone walking further up the corridor and stood. I hope it was a teacher that could help me find my way back to the Ravenclaw tower. I started to walk towards the sound of footsteps. When I turned a corner, I walked into something solid. I fell to the ground, dropping my belongings.

"Ouch," I looked up to see Lucius Malfoy standing above me. He smiled at me and extended his arm out. I lifted my hand out and he pulled me up, wrapping his other arm around my back so that we were standing there, very close. Smooth, I thought.

"What brings you down here?" Lucius let me go and I smiled. I didn't feel myself and I shocked both him and I when I answered.

"Hoping to bump into you, of course!" I grinned up at him. I couldn't believe I said that. Lucius grinned at me. I felt his hand on my lower back and we started to walk further along the corridor, deeper into the dungeons.

"Yes, what happened to Potter?" Lucius drawled. He stood in front of a bare wall and muttered "Snake venom". A hidden stone door in the wall slid open.

"I don't like him at all. He is a bit of a loser," I laughed as we walked into the room. It was getting easier to say things I didn't mean. I was forgetting the effect James was having on me and Lucius was being very nice. I didn't know he was even like this. Maybe I shouldn't have judged him before.

The room we walked into, I immediately realized was the Slytherin common room. It was long and extremely cold. The green lights hanging from the ceiling gave off an eerie, green light. There were several Slytherins sitting in chairs around the fire. None of them acknowledged me or Lucius.

"I could have told you that about Potter ages ago, if you gave me the chance. What has changed your mind?" Lucius gave me a suspicious look whilst leading me towards a small doorway, leading away from the common room. It was even colder here; the corridor was completely made up of stones. Every few metres there would be a plague with a Year group written on it.

"He told me he loved me. How pathetic!" I laughed. Lucius laughed as well. He stopped in front of a plaque with fifth years written on it. He pushed the plaque and another concealed door slid open. The room was all stone as well. There were four poster beds with green quilts on them. There was a plaque with the occupants name written on them. The middle bed had Lucius Malfoy written across it in curly writing.

"This is my dorm room," Lucius lead me to his bed. We sat on top of it for a few moments. Lucius took out his wand and magically locked the door. It was unbelievably cold in this room. I shivered, sitting down on this bed and wrapped my arms around myself.

"How can you stand the cold in here?" I asked, suppressing a shiver. Lucius slicked back his white blonde hair and licked his lips. For a moment, I wondered what they would taste like.

"Well, I'm used to it. But maybe you would want to share some body heat?" Lucius smiled and before I realized what he meant by that, he was laying on top of me. His lips were pushed against mine and the kiss grew more passionate. I felt Lucius's tongue slide snake like into my mouth. I felt him stroke my hair. Even though my first kiss was with the last person I would expect, Lucius was distracting me marvelously.

We were kissing for a while. I felt Lucius's hand start to pull up my robes. They were around my waist when Lucius decided to use that hand to touch my breasts. It was amazing how pleasurable it felt. My breasts were tingling and I knew that meant they were erect.

"Lily, do you mind if I-" Lucius took a breath from kissing. I cut him short.

"Don't stop," I gasped and closed my eyes. I felt Lucius's breath on my face and we were kissing again. Suddenly I felt his hand going up my school skirt and my underwear was pulled down. I was growing nervous. This is not what the perfect Lily would be doing. I was getting confused with my character.

All because of James, I thought.

I was in the middle of running my hands through Lucius's hair when I felt something penetrate me. My eyes flew open to see Lucius grinning at me, his hand up my skirt. It was the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. It was nerve-racking but I could feel a great amount of pleasure come upon me.

I started to moan. I couldn't believe this was happening. I was letting LUCIUS MALFOY touch me when I've never let a boy even hold my hand before. I felt his fingers leave my body. I laid there, fully clothed except my underwear was around my knees. Lucius was pulling off his clothes.

"This is for you Lily, I'll do whatever you want," Lucius whispered and I smiled lazily at him. I didn't think I even cared what he did. My body was so relaxed, I felt like I could sleep.....

Suddenly I felt something harder and bigger go inside of me. My eyes flew open again and I saw Lucius's face was centimeters away from mine. He was thrusting his hips into mine and it was growing very painful.

"No! Stop it! You're hurting me!" I cried and Lucius laughed at me. His smile wasn't caring or nice anymore, it was evil and spiteful. I started to cry but Lucius just thrusted harder.

"This is what you deserve Mudblood. You thought I was a nice boy for a while didn't you? Well all I wanted was to pop the Virgin's cherry. Potter is perfect for you and you threw him away. I'd hate to do favors for Potter but I am. I'm teaching you a lesson! Get what you were asking for slut!" Lucius pounded his body into mine and I cried. I felt so incredibly dirty. I couldn't believe what I had gotten myself into. Why didn't I just let James see the real me? Why did I have to hide it away?

When Lucius was done, he got off me and spat on my face. I continued to cry, even after he had left the room. I pulled my underwear up and fixed my robes. I wiped the spit off my face and left his dorm. I tried to sneak out of the common room but the Slytherins saw me. They all pointed and laughed at me. Some called "Slut" or "Mudblood" when I crept past. Lucius must have told them. I covered my face and ran out. I leant on the wall when I got out of the common room. I took a few deep breaths and then I ran all the way back to the Ravenclaw tower.

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