Chapter thirteen Jamie's struggle

PG13 Disclaimer: 'A Walk to remember' and 'Titanic', and any music from both films are not mine. Just another *poor, underage* fan, so please don't sue!!

There are times in our lives that when we look back years later and we want so badly to forget. For me, there were about 3 months after the sinking that I wish now I could erase from my mind, the feelings of waiting and not knowing if Landon was alive or dead. It was perhaps the darkest period in my life; I was such a muddle. All the same, it was important in who I became and was part of my healing. Until then the only thing I still thought of was the cold, and praying to God for a miracle. I was suffering from explainable chills, and if I was suffering I couldn't imagine what Landon was feeling. He was in that water. all alone, tears sprang to my eyes and I sobbed. I looked at the sky and tried to count the stars, imaging Landon was doing the same thing but soon stopped because they when to for eternity. Every now and then a shooting star crossed the sky and announced that another soul was going to heaven, I just prayed none of those souls, where Landon's. I never saw the ship of survivors whilst we where in the Atlantic Ocean, I just prayed that Landon was one of the four survivors. The days passed with a combination of monotonous conversations, reflections and heart aches. For the survivors of the "Titanic disaster", coming into New York would only bring back all the bad memories of what they'd seen, what had happened, and worst of all, what they'd lost. Jamie had a few conversations with other survivors, they talked about having faith but for the most part she kept to herself. She just didn't feel like mixing with other people at the moment knowing they'd want to talk about how a middle class gal like herself had managed to win the affections of the presumed dead Mr Carter. Luckily nobody had mentioned what had happened to her when she first had got on the lifeboats yet, but Jamie was sure that someone would mention it eventually, and everyone would know what she'd done, how she'd embarrassed their class and defied the rules of society. Belinda on the other hand was chatting to this man named Cal, not even caring her fiancée was probably dead in the Atlantic Ocean; I hear later that they got married and he inherited his millions, but the loss of thirty two (heart of the ocean) was too much. He put a pistil to his head the next year. or so I read. I was trying so hard to keep my faith. I had talked about it all my life to everyone I knew, and now that it was being tested I felt myself falter slightly. I must not give up on Landon, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless it seems". "Hey ya'll I can see New York. We're almost home." A steerage passenger, a man, stuck his head through the door to yell, and then he hurried off to alert other survivors. "Thank you Lord for that," Belinda said under her breath. The cheek! I almost lunged at her. she was not the sort of person who believed in God. What right had she to use his name in vain? "There was a time there when I wondered whether I'd get to see New York again." Belinda glanced out the window and snorted her complaints about the rain. "It's raining. Just my luck!" "I don't mind a bit of rain. God, after what I've been through I don't think I'm going to mind anything anymore," I said so she could hear. The only thing I'd mind is if I don't see Landon again. Jamie sighed slightly. "So that was the ship they said was unsinkable?" Once she had been told, long ago her fear of water and boats was irrational. She sighed again unsinkable was it? Jamie wished she'd listened to her "irrational fears" and never let herself get on that ship. No! Then she realised even with hindsight she would not have changed a thing. She had met her soul mate. Oh Landon, I'm so glad I met you. I'm glad to have known you. Jamie was a strong woman, she wasn't going to just lay down and die if Landon hadn't survived. No, she was going to survive, in honour of his memory. Now all we Jamie/ Landon lovers need is for them to find each other. Lonz*