Disclaimer: "The Crucible" is Arthur Miller's. This version…well I don't think he would want ownership over this so don't bother suing.

ACT 3

Proctor: The girls are lying.

Danforth: God is speaking through them - isn't that quite obvious.

Proctor: But Mary Warren says they're lying!

Hathorne: Your wife is pregnant.

Hale: My God man, can't you keep your pants on at all!

Proctor: But she's my wife, I'm allowed to do it with her. Or is there something in the Bible condemning that as well?

Hathorne: She's up the duff! She has a bun in the oven. She has a foetus growing in her uterus. Well, so she says. But if she is we couldn't possibly kill an innocent so we cannot hang her till she has the baby, then we will rip it from her breasts and hang her as high as the day is young. Whatever the case sonny, we're still gonna kill you if you say the wrong thing and don't do what we want you to.

Proctor: Abby is lying, she isn't pure, no god would use her mouth…oh yeah, believe me I know….whoa man, she made me feel like a stallion, neigh, neigh, NEIGH!

Danforth: Does your wife know of your whorish behaviour? [Proctor nods] Well, send her in. If she's honest she'll fess up. Bring her in [Liz is brought in]. Is your husband a man whore?

Elizabeth: Errr… no.

Proctor: Oh duck it.

Elizabeth: Yes, no, maybe… I don't know. Me no speak English.

Elizabeth is led out of the room.

Proctor: She didn't want me to look bad!

Hale: I think so, too. Oh, and I think Abigail's a bitch as well.

Abigail: Oh, NO! THE BIRD, THE BIRD…

Girls: It's coming for us! We're all going to diiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……….

Abigail: It's after my soul!

Mary: Abby, STOP!

Girls: Abby, STOP!

Mary: I…uh… JOHN PROCTOR IS THE ANTICHRIST!

Proctor: All right, I did it, see? And I'm glad, GLAD, see?

Parris: Did you hear that?!

Proctor: You're all stupid morons, you're dull and stupid and moronic. Die the lot of you.

Hale: … oh no…

THE METAPHORICAL CURTAIN METAPHORICALLY FALLS