Author's Notes: Thank you to: briony, Lauren, clules4eva, Christine, spoiledsquish, TK, Kendra, and Tariq for their feedback on Part 11. I appreciate your comments!

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Part 12 - Conflicting Emotions

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Angel sat in his office staring out the window as a heavy rain pounded outside. The weather matched his mood perfectly. His thoughts were on anything but work. He'd hardly slept the night before, most of the it spent writing the letter to Buffy. But even when he finally had gone to bed, he hadn't been able to sleep.

His thoughts turned to the letter sitting on his desk. Was it the right way to go about explaining things to her? He wasn't exactly sure, but at the moment it was the only thing he could think of. Hopefully she would at least read it and not just throw it away.

Glancing at his watch, Angel saw that it was almost noon. He was going to meet Xander for lunch soon at the deli across the street. The two had been getting along better recently, rebuilding the friendship they'd once had. Plus, Angel had the ulterior motive of asking Xander to deliver the letter to Buffy since it was likely that she wouldn't want him anywhere near her.

Angel attempted to focus on his work until lunch, but found himself unable to. The only thing he could think about was Buffy. His heart was torn over what had happened the night before. He understood her anger with him. He probably would have been the same way. But it didn't stop the need he felt within him of wanting to just take her in his arms and hold her.

Finally giving up on trying to get any work done, Angel got up from his desk and decided to head out to lunch. Grabbing his coat, and the letter off his desk, Angel left his office. He was still worried that the letter wasn't the right thing to do, but at least he was doing something to try and make things better.

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"So what do you think?" posed Willow as she sat on one end of Buffy's bed.

Lost in her thoughts, Buffy didn't even hear the question. She was aware that Willow was talking to her, but she just couldn't seem to focus on what the red head was saying. Her mind had been elsewhere that day.

As much as she tried to, she couldn't get her thoughts off of Angel. Over and over she told herself to forget about him. That he wasn't worth her time. That he had hurt her horribly. But it didn't stop the thoughts.

Her memories were at war with each other. One half of her brain was reminding her of all the good times they'd had together, and how Angel had comforted her just a few days earlier when she had been so upset after learning of her coma and memory loss. The other half of her brain was replaying the night Angel had dumped her in repeat.

Each side brought on such strong emotions within her. She couldn't just forget the love between them. She'd always believed that he was her soulmate. That was definitely not something that one tended to forget. But she also couldn't forget the pain he'd caused her.

So what was she supposed to do? Her first thoughts were to stay as far away as possible from him. She didn't want to be hurt again. And then she'd remember his comforting embrace and how he'd held her the other night and wish that he was with her again. It left her torn and confused. Obviously, she was going to need more time to decide what to do about Angel.

Buffy was snapped out of her thoughts when Willow tapped her on the shoulder.

"Huh? What?" a slightly dazed Buffy asked.

"Someone was off in their own little world," smiled Willow knowingly. "I asked you a question a few minutes ago, but I think you were too busy brooding."

"I do not brood!" Buffy disagreed hastily. "Anyways, what did you ask me?"

"I wanted to know if you wanted me to take you down to the salon tomorrow to get your hair done," repeated Willow, remembering how Buffy had complained about how horrible her hair looked.

"Hmm, yeah. My hair could definitely use some work," pondered Buffy as one of her hands reached up to her long blonde hair.

"I think I'll get mine done too. Hey, I know! We can get manicures and facials and stuff too!" Willow exclaimed excitedly, thinking about how a day of pampering might help her get rid of the sluggishness she'd been feeling lately.

"Sounds like a plan," agreed Buffy, her mind still not entirely focused on her friend.

After a minute, Buffy spoke again. "Willow? What was like when I was in the coma?"

"What do you mean?" replied Willow, not quite understanding Buffy's intentions.

"I.well, I was just wondering how things were. Ya know, did people visit, how was Mom? Stuff like that," explained Buffy further.

"Oh, umm, ok. Well, at first there was pretty much someone always with you in case you woke up. We didn't want you to be alone if you did come out of it. But then as time passed we had to go back to work and stuff," started Willow as she tried to think of how to tell Buffy about the time when she was in the coma.

"But Oz and I stayed here at the house most of the time. I think it helped your Mom that we were here, and I wanted to be here in case you woke up. Xander and Cordy came over almost every other day," added on Willow, intentionally not mentioning Angel for fear of how Buffy would react.

"So you guys were here a lot?" Buffy asked, not sure why she needed to know.

"Yeah. It was hard to see you like you were, but we wanted to be here for you and your Mom and Giles," explained Willow, a comforting smile on her face. "And you saw all the cards and stuff. You were quite popular in the gift receiving department."

Buffy smiled at that, glancing to the corner of the room where various stuffed animals and trinkets had piled up. It was nice to know that people missed her and had worried about her.

Turning her thoughts in another direction, Buffy asked the question that she had been wondering about all morning. "What about Angel?"

"Umm, what about Angel?" prodded Willow, slightly taken aback by the question.

"Why is he here?" Buffy furthered, her voice tinged with anger at the man in question.

"Oh. Well, he moved back to Sunnydale about a month or so ago. We were at the Bronze one night when he just showed up. All of us were kinda mean to him, and then we realized that he didn't know what had happened to you. So I brought him here and told him about your attack and the coma," relayed Willow of how Angel had reappeared in their lives.

"How come he seemed to know where everything was in the house?" questioned Buffy as she remembered how Angel had known where everything was in the kitchen to make her breakfast.

"Umm, well.ever since he came back and found out about you, he pretty much spent every free second he had here," answered Willow, not surprised by the stunned look on Buffy's face.

"H-he did?" Buffy asked, the knowledge striking a chord in her heart.

"Yeah, he would just sit up here with you for hours. Sometimes he would read to you, or tell you about college. And other times he would just sit here holding your hand," told Willow, wondering if maybe the information would cause Buffy to think about talking to Angel. "He would also help your Mom and Giles out with stuff."

"Oh," was all Buffy could think to say. She hadn't expected to hear what Willow had told her. It didn't make any sense.

Angel had dumped her. That meant he didn't love her right? So why had he done so much for her while she was in a coma? Did he do it because he felt guilty for whatever reason? But what did he have to feel guilty about?

Buffy's endless internal questions were interrupted when another person entered the room.

"Hey! Buffster!" grinned Xander, happy to see his friend awake after so long in a coma.

"Hey Xand!" Buffy smiled back

"How are two of my favorite girls?" he asked as he sat down on the bed next to them.

"We're good, talking about how we're gonna go get our hair done tomorrow," answered Willow, referring to the plans they had made.

"Oooh, fun," he replied with a little sarcasm at the girly outing.

"Xand!" Buffy chided with a laugh, the sound making her friends smile. It had been so long since they'd seen Buffy awake and laughing.

"I, umm, have something for you," Xander stated nervously, thinking about the letter Angel had given him to give to Buffy.

"Ooh, presents!" Buffy said happily. Who didn't like getting presents?

"Uh, not really. I, uh.Angel, he, uh, asked me to give this to you," he replied, pulling the letter and rose out from the large inner pocket of his coat.

Buffy's face immediately set into a frown. No matter what, it seemed like she couldn't get away from Angel. It was utterly torturous.

"I-I don't want it," Buffy stated unconvincingly.

"Buff," started Xander. "It's just a letter. Maybe you should read it."

For a minute she just stared at the letter, trying to decide if she should burn it or read it. "I'll think about it," she finally answered, taking the items form Xander.

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A few hours later, Buffy sat in her darkened room. The only light came from a small lamp next to her bed. In her hands she held the letter from Angel that Xander had delivered. The rose was sitting on her nightstand. She hadn't yet put it in water because she was still debating about whether to keep it or throw it out.

And she still hadn't decided if she should read the letter or not. She couldn't help but be curious about it. What had he written to her? If she read it, wouldn't she just be giving him another way to hurt her?

Eventually, her need to know what he had written got the better of her. Slowly, she tore open the envelope and pulled out the cream colored paper. She found herself staring at the flowing script in front of her, memories of other times he had written her letters flashing in her mind.

Snapping out of her daze, Buffy finally began to read the words on the papers in front of her.

"My Dearest Buffy,
I have been sitting here for over two hours trying to write this
letter. I'm not even sure that this is the right thing to do. There
are so many things that I need to tell you, explain to you. I
understand that you are angry with me, and I understand why, but I am
hoping that you will read this letter anyway.

First, I must apologize for upsetting you last night. That was the
last thing that I wanted to have happen. But I knew it would
eventually. I am sorry that my being there caused you pain. That is
why I am writing this letter to you. I figured you would not want to
see me, but I needed to tell you so many things.

I guess I should start with that day five years ago when I broke up
with you. I have many regrets about that day. The foremost of which
being that I made you cry, and that you thought that I no longer loved
you. That was never the case. I have always loved you, and I always
will.

Back then, I had so many reasons for doing what I did, but I'm not
even sure they make sense to me anymore. A few weeks before we
graduated from high school I started thinking about how I was going
all the way across the country to Columbia and how you would be
staying here in Sunnydale. I started wondering if it was right to try
and continue our relationship when we were so far away from each
other. I wanted you to be happy, to have fun and enjoy life. But I
wondered how you could do that in a long-distance relationship. I
began feeling guilty over thoughts of how you might not do things like
go to parties and such because of me. It was too much for me. I
didn't want to be the reason you lost out on so much. That's when I
decided that I would break up with you before I left.

What I did never had anything to do with not loving you. All I wanted
was for you to be happy. But I understand now that what I did was
wrong. I shouldn't have made the decision I did without talking to
you. It should have been your choice as well as mine. And for that I
am sorry. I never meant to break your heart. I will forever regret
the pain that I caused you.

There was not a day while I was gone that I did not think about you.
I had hoped that time would make the pain go away, that I would stop
missing you. It never happened. I woke up every day wishing you were
with me. I tried to move on, but I just couldn't. Not when my heart
still belonged to you. That is why I decided to return to Sunnydale.
I knew that I could never move on with my life until I saw you again.

I won't lie and say that I didn't hope you would forgive me for all
that I have done because I did. The entire time leading up to my move
back home, I kept wondering what you life was like now. Were you
married now? Did you have kids? The selfish part of me hoped for
neither, but in the end, I just wanted you to be happy. And if you'd
found someone else to be happy with then I would accept that.

It broke my heart when I found out what had happened to you. To see
you lying lifeless in a bed like that, it was almost too much to bear.
Every day I hoped that you would wake up, that I would be able to see
your smiling face again. And I was so happy when you finally did.

I'm glad that I was able to be there for you after you woke up, but I
knew that you would eventually realize that I should not have been
there at all. Maybe I should have told you first, but I just wanted
to savor the few peaceful moments I had with you. I'm sorry that my
being there upset you.

I will stay away, if that is what you wish. I don't want to cause you
anymore pain. So if you don't want to see me, I will stay away from
you. I just had to explain everything to you. I wanted you to know
why I did what I did. I know that it doesn't change the fact that I
did it, but I hope that you will at least understand why, and know
that I never stopped loving you.

Yours Always,
Angel"

As Buffy finished reading the letter, the tears that had begun to flow after a few sentences continued. Her eyes closed as she clutched the piece of paper in her shaking hands. She wanted to hate him. God how she wanted to hate him! But she didn't know if she really could.

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TBC.I'd very much appreciate to know what you though!