Author's Notes: My thanks and appreciation go out to: Anne, Christine, GoodCharlottesGurl, VP, Tutu, Lauren, Buffy/Friends Fan, ASH Watcher/Slayer Water, TK, Karin, AnGeL GiRl, LilyAnne, Wendy, Courtenay, Emma, Jennifer, Shahid, b/a always, Emma, and Lisa Anne for feedback on Part 17.

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Part 18 - Guilt Revisited

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Back and forth Angel paced across the floor in the waiting room at the hospital. He'd been doing it for the past fifteen minutes since arriving in the emergency room. His hands were still shaking from fear at seeing Buffy collapse. There was nothing worse than the utterly helpless feeling he'd had at watching her fall to the ground and being unable to do anything to help her.

Once the momentary shock had passed, he'd rushed to her side, scooping her up in his arms and trying to awaken her. When she didn't come to after a few minutes, he'd quickly run all the way to the hospital with her cradled in his arms. And now he was pacing the waiting room waiting for news on her condition.

With the recent turn of events, Angel hadn't even had a chance to contemplate what Buffy had remembered and revealed to him before her collapse. He briefly wondered when it was their lives had turned into some twisted soap opera. Things like what had happened to Buffy didn't happen to normal people...did they?

With the sound of the waiting room door opening, Angel's head shot up, hoping someone was coming to give him and update. Instead his eyes met with the worried faces of Buffy's family and friends.

"Angel! What happened? Is Buffy all right?" Joyce panted, worry etched on her face.

"I-I don't know. The doctors are with her. No one has been in to update me since they took her back," Angel explained, running a hand through his hair.

"What happened?" Giles asked as he placed a comforting hand on Joyce's shoulder.

"She seemed fine earlier," added in Willow from her spot next to Oz. The two had just returned from LA when they had received Angel's phone call about Buffy.

"She....she..." Angel sighed, trying to figure out what exactly he should tell them, not knowing what Buffy would want them to know. "Some of her memories returned. They weren't....happy...memories. I guess it was too much for her to take and she fainted"

"Oh my God! The attack?" Joyce whispered, tears in her eyes.

"No, it wasn't the attack. At least I don't think so," frowned Angel, realizing that he didn't know what else Buffy had remembered. They all looked at him, waiting for him to explain what memories, then, had returned.

"What did she remember?" Xander questioned. What could have been so bad, if it wasn't the attack, that it caused her to collapse?

"She," started Angel, but then stopped. "I don't think it's my place to tell. She'll have to be the one to tell you. But I will tell you they weren't good memories."

Joyce narrowed her eyes and stared at Angel. She was quite unhappy that Angel would not reveal the information that had caused her daughter to relapse. But Angel had no intention whatsoever of breaking Buffy's trust even though she had never said not to tell anyone. It was her decision to make, though, if her friends and family were to know.

Angel went to open his mouth to further state that it was not his place to tell them when the door to the room opened again. This time it Buffy's doctor who entered.

"How is she?" Joyce pleaded to the doctor.

"Mr. and Mrs. Giles," greeted the doctor, and then nodded to the others. "The ER phoned me after she arrived since I am familiar with her case-"

"Just tell us if she is okay!" demanded Giles as he cut off the doctors words.

"She will be fine," he told them, receiving a relieved sigh from the entire group.

"Oh, thank God," sobbed Joyce, burying her head against her husband while the others hugged each other. Angel found himself unable to stand any longer and fell haphazardly into a chair.

"According to Angel," the doctor begin, looking toward a now seated Angel. "Some distressing memories returned to Buffy tonight. Between the emotional stress of those memories, and her still weak physical condition, it just overwhelmed her system and she passed out."

"But she will be okay?" Angel asked hoarsely, relief sweeping through him.

"Yes, she will be okay with a few days rest. She woke up while I was checking her over, but I gave her a mild sedative as well as something to help her sleep. We also gave her some fluids by IV. I'd say it's best to keep her here overnight, but I think it would be better for her to awaken tomorrow in her own room," he told them, knowing of Buffy's fear of hospitals from her family.

"Yes, that probably would be best," agreed Giles, still holding Joyce in his arms.

"I also suggest you contact her psychologist first thing in the morning. The return of some, or possible all, or her memories has obviously been quite a shock to her, she is going to need someone to help her deal with those," the doctor explained.

"Yes, of course. We will do whatever necessary." Giles replied.

"Good. I will prepare the paper work for her release and then you can take her home. She should sleep through the night from the medication I administered," he relayed as he started to walk out of the room with the entire group following.

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Angel sat in Buffy's darkened room watching her sleep. She'd not waken up once during the trip from the hospital to the house. Thankfully, she seemed to be sleeping peacefully, whether that was from the medication or her exhaustion, he didn't know.

So now, he was just sitting in her room, watching her. The others had finally gone to sleep twenty minutes earlier. Everyone was reluctant to leave in case she woke up, but eventually, they had. They were all staying at the house though. Willow and Oz were in their room, and Giles and Joyce had offered a guest room to Cordy and Xander.

Angel was relieved to finally have some time to himself. He hadn't had a chance to think about all that he had learned that night. It was mind boggling. His heart broke for what Buffy had been through. To be used, tossed aside, and then find out you were pregnant. It had to have been horrible for her.

But it was even worse than that. From what Buffy had told him, it seemed that she had accepted the baby, even wanted it to a certain degree. And then even that was cruelly taken from her.

This new knowledge answered a lot of questions. At least in his mind it did. It had never made sense to him that, according to Willow, Buffy had gotten mixed up in an abusive relationship. The Buffy he knew would have never stayed with a man who hurt her.

'The Buffy he knew'...that was the key phrase there. The Buffy he knew was the shy, yet outgoing, happy teenager. But she'd been broken. First with him breaking up with her and leaving, then Parker's treatment of her, and then losing the baby. Her inner spirit had been trampled and destroyed. That Buffy was the one who had gotten into a harmful relationship.

Everything made so much more sense now. And he hated it. Everything that had happened to Buffy could be traced back to what he had done five years earlier. He'd started her downfall. If he hadn't left she wouldn't have gone out with Parker, wouldn't have lost her baby, and wouldn't have been emotionally dead.

It was all his fault. He'd permanently scarred the one person he loved most in this world. How would she ever forgive him for all that he had caused?

Angel slumped back in his chair at that thought. They'd come so far the last two weeks, rebuilding what they once had. And now it was about to all come crumbling down. He was sure that she was going to hate him once she realized that everything that had happened to her was his fault.

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For nearly five minutes, Buffy stared at her hands, trying to gather the courage to do what she was about to do. She knew they were all watching her, waiting for the words to come out of her mouth. But she just couldn't seem to make herself speak.

From the moment she had woken up that morning, memories of the evening before washing over her immediately, she had known that this moment was coming. She would have to tell them what had happened all those years ago. None of them even suspected any of it, she knew that for sure.

Most of the morning she'd been able to put it off. The doctor had come by first thing in the morning to check on her, and then everyone else had had to see for themselves that she was fine. But she was anything but fine, in her head at least.

Still, she would have to tell them. It was time to stop running from her problems.

"Umm, what did Angel tell you?" she finally asked, lifting her head slightly to look at her friends and family.

"He told us that some of your memories returned last night," Joyce said supportively. She hated seeing her daughter in so much pain.

"Y-yeah. They did," Buffy stuttered slightly, the images still hard to handle.

"Whatever it is, Buffy, you know you can tell us. We're your friends. We'll always be there for you," Willow stated gently. It was obvious to her that whatever Buffy had to tell them was scaring her friend.

"I know," sighed Buffy. She knew they would be, just as they would have been when it had happened if she had only told them.

"We went out to dinner last night," she began, taking a glance to Angel. He smiled reassuringly at her, but there was a look in his eyes that worried her. She would have to talk to him later. "We were almost done eating when this guy showed up and talked to me. I had no idea who he was. He said his name was Parker Abrams."

Willow and Cordelia both gasped at the mention of the guy's name, knowing that he was the man who had used their friend for sex.

"Yeah, him, of all people..." trailed off Buffy. "He...he said some stuff. I don't know how or why it happened, but all the sudden all the i-images, memories, started appearing in my head."

"Who is this Parker?" Giles cut in, not knowing the name.

Buffy looked at her friends, seeing the compassion on their faces, and then to her Mom and Giles. Her friends knew that Parker had used her, but not about the pregnancy that had resulted. Her parents, however, didn't know anything about him.

"H-he was someone I, uh, went out with..."started Buffy slowly, a tear sliding down her cheek as the memories once again overwhelmed her.

Willow and Cordelia moved to sit next to Buffy, offering their support to their friend. Both were internally wondering what it was they were about to hear, but it wasn't lost on either of them that whatever it was related to Parker. It had been after Buffy's experience with him that she had changed drastically.

For the next half hour, the group listened as Buffy told them everything: meeting Parker, sleeping with him, what he had done afterwards, how hurt she had been, then finding out she was pregnant, how Parker had reacted, and then losing the baby. They listened in shock and awe as they heard a story that they had never even suspected before.

Not a dry eye remained as Buffy finished by telling them about being told she had miscarried. Willow and Cordelia hugged her tightly, Joyce cried on Giles' shoulder, and all the men in the room looked as if they wanted to hunt Parker down and castrate him.

Everyone was silent for a minute. No one really knew what to say. They had never expected what Buffy had told them. She had been through so much and they hadn't known about it. Never even suspected it.

Willow was the first to break the silence. "That was when you disappeared?"

"Yeah," Buffy answered weakly. She was exhausted from reliving the horrible events again.

"We never knew," Cordelia whispered softly.

"Oh Buffy," Joyce sobbed while pulling her daughter into a hug.

"I'm sorry I never told any of you," Buffy apologized, not meeting the eyes of anyone present. "I-I...I didn't know how to tell you and then..."

Tears flowed down Buffy's cheeks as she remembered her lost child. Even years later it was still hard to deal with. And with the memories being so fresh in her mind at the moment it was even harder.

"You know we would have stuck by you, right?" Xander spoke for the first time.

"I know," her tears fell harder. "I was just so confused. And t- then....and then after, it's all a blur. I...I was just so lost."

Joyce, Willow and Cordelia gathered Buffy in their arms as her sobs increased. Xander, Giles and Oz stood back and watched, sadness radiating off them. Angel found himself unable to move. He wanted to be there comforting her, but the voice in his head was still telling him that he was responsible for all this. So he just stood there, longing to hold her, but believing that she must hate him.

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An hour later, after talking more with her friends and family, Buffy found herself in her room with only Angel remaining. She was thoroughly exhausted from the emotionally draining conversation.

Her gaze drifted to Angel, who seemed to be wary of approaching her. She wondered why he seemed to be afraid of her all the sudden. Things had been going so well between them and now he wouldn't come near her.

"I-I guess I'll leave you alone so you can get some sleep," Angel said softly, although the last thing he wanted to do was leave.

"You're leaving?" Buffy whispered, a yawn escaping her mouth.

"You need to get some sleep," he replied, fighting the need he had to crawl into bed with her.

"Oh," frowned Buffy. Why did he want to leave her? "Could...could you..."

"Could I, what?" Angel prodded gently.

"Could you just hold me until I fall asleep," she requested, looking at him with pleading eyes.

Angel smiled at her even though he was surprised at her question. He really didn't think she'd want him around after what he had caused to happen to her. "Umm, yeah, sure."

"Thanks," Buffy smiled slightly, her eyes already drifting closed as Angel slipped into the bed next to her.

"You're welcome," he spoke quietly.

He watched her as she fell into a restless sleep. More than anything he wished he could kiss away the frown that marred her perfect face, but he knew there was nothing he could do. He couldn't erase all the pain that she'd been through. And now he didn't even know if she would let him be there to help her through everything. His eyes welled with tears at thought of losing the love of his life once again.

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TBC...I love feedback, keeps my muse a happy and productive!