Author's Notes: Thank you to: GoodCharlottesGurl, Christine, nicole,
Tutu, Lauren, Shahid, Devils Advocate, Karin, TK, Courtenay, Tariq, VP,
Meg586, Kim, L.J. and Jen for their feedback on part 18!
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
Part 19 - It's Not Your Fault
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
Angel awoke early the next morning, his subconscious not allowing him to sleep any longer. Glancing to the warm body curled against him, he was happy to find that Buffy was still sleeping soundly. She needed her rest, and he was almost afraid to face her. Afraid to hear her tell him that he was responsible for everything that had happened since he left.
Carefully, he loosened the hold her arms had on his body and climbed out of the bed. His gaze lingered on her still form for a minute. She looked better than she had the night before, but the pain was still etched on her face. Pain that he caused. If he hadn't left like he did, she would have never slept with that stupid fuck who used her and tossed her aside.
His shoulders sagged as he again remembered all that she had revealed to him and the others the night before. All he had ever wanted was for her to be happy. Was that too much to ask? Would she be happy now if he had never broken up with her?
With a last look toward Buffy, Angel left the room. He was in desperate need of some coffee. Maybe it would help clear his mind. Maybe it would help him think of a way to earn her forgiveness for all that he had caused.
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
Walking into the kitchen, Angel was greeted by six sets of eyes staring expectantly at him. He groaned inwardly at the site. He had been hoping for some time alone to brood and digest everything he had recently learned. Obviously, that wasn't going to happen.
"How is she?" Joyce asked as she poured some cream into her coffee.
"She's still asleep," he answered, getting himself a cup of coffee and sitting at the table with the others. "She slept through the whole night."
"I still can't believe all this. I never had any idea," Willow said sadly.
"It makes what's happened the last few years make more sense, though," Xander added from his spot next to Cordelia.
"Yes, quite right Xander. And I do hate to bring this up, but there is an issue that has yet to come up," spoke Giles worriedly as he cleaned his glasses.
The group at the table stared at him, wondering what it exactly he was suggesting. What more could there possibly be to the whole situation?
"The attack," whispered Willow, suddenly realizing what had yet to be brought up.
"Oh, dear," exclaimed Joyce.
"She didn't mention it last night when she talked to us," Cordelia reminded everyone.
"No, she only mentioned the things with...with Parker," Angel stumbled over the words. He couldn't quite find it in himself to mention Buffy and baby in the same sentence yet.
"I hate to put even more stress on her, but we should ask her about it," Joyce stated with a sigh. When did her daughter's life get so out of control? What had she, as her mother, done wrong?
"Maybe just one person should ask. I could be wrong, but I don't think all of us confronting her would help," chipped in Oz while pouring Willow a glass of juice. He tried to keep her caffeine intake to a minimum knowing how jittery it made her.
Everyone at the table turned to look at Angel who was staring at his hands. When he felt the eyes upon him he looked up at them. "What?"
"You're the one she responds best to Angel," Giles explained gently. "Perhaps it would be best if you asked her what else she remembers."
Angel released a heavy breath and ran a hand through his hair. How was he supposed to talk to her about something like that when he didn't even know if she would talk to him period? "Sure, I guess I can try."
"You don't have to, Angel. Maybe Willow could do it?" Joyce offered. She wished she could be the one to talk to Buffy. But they had never really been that close and she didn't think Buffy would take to her prodding.
"No, that's ok. I'll try," responded Angel, already worried over the upcoming conversation. "I think I'll head over to my apartment first, though, and shower and change."
"Oh, yeah, don't forget that Buffy's physical therapist will be here this morning too," Willow reminded everyone.
"Ok, I'll be back before he leaves," answered Angel as he stood up and started to leave the room.
"We better go too. I promised my parents we'd come by today," said Xander as he and Cordy also got up from the table.
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
Buffy sat on the windowseat in her room, staring out at the rain falling outside. Her eyes were blood shot and weary from the stresses of the previous night. Now that the memories of her lost child were back, she couldn't seem to get them out of her mind.
Her fingers reached up to trace the raindrops hitting the window. The weather fit her mood. The heavy drops of water falling outside matching the tears that were again falling down her cheeks.
What would her child be like now, at around three years of age? Would it have been a boy or a girl? What would he or she have looked like? She knew it wasn't good for her to wonder such things, but she couldn't help it.
The silent maudlin musings were interrupted by a knock on the door. Buffy looked up to find Riley standing there with his typical goofy smile on his face. She groaned internally, not wanting to deal with her dorky physical therapist, and certainly not in the mood to do any exercises.
"Hi Riley," she said dully.
"Hey Buffy," Riley greeted as he walked toward her. "Your Mom said you might not be up for your session today."
Buffy looked at him for a moment. Something about him bugged the Hell out of her but she couldn't figure out why. "No, not really. I'm sorry you came all the way here."
"That's okay. It's not that far of a drive," he said with a smile. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, I guess," she shrugged in response. "Some of my memories decided to make themselves known last night."
"Oh," stated Riley, his frown not noticed by Buffy. "Okay, then. I guess I will see you on Monday."
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
An hour or so later Angel entered Buffy's room thinking that she would be in the exercise room with Riley doing her physical therapy. He was surprised to find her sitting on the windowseat with her forehead pressed against the glass. The fingers on her left hand were lightly tracing patterns in the portion of the glass fogged up by her warm breath.
He stood and stared for a minute before finally speaking. "Hey."
Buffy turned her head to gaze at him, a small smile gracing her face at seeing Angel. "Hey. You're back."
"Yeah. I thought Riley was coming today," he stated his confusion over the missing physical therapist.
"Oh, yeah. He was here, but I wasn't feeling up to working out today," she shrugged, standing up from her seated position.
She frowned as she looked at Angel. He seemed to be avoiding looking directly at her for some reason. That was definitely very un-Angel-like. He'd been acting weird since her revelations the night before. Was he disgusted by her now that he new the truth?
"Angel?" she asked and waited for him to finally look at her. "What's wrong?"
"Wrong?" Angel repeated, not knowing what she was referring to.
"Why won't you look at me? You act like you don't want to be here." The last part was spoken in a whisper, her fears that Angel was disgusted with her getting the best of her.
"I...uh...I-I.." he stumbled, casting his eyes downwards.
"You hate me, don't you?" she stated, a tear leaking out of one of her eyes.
"What? No! No, I don't hate you, Buffy!" Angel spoke adamantly. How could she possibly think he hated her?
Frustrated by his actions, Buffy walked to stand right in front of him and stared in to his face. Angel met her eyes for only a moment before turning away.
"Then why can't you look me in the eyes?!?" she nearly shouted in anger.
"I...I...it's hard for me to...look at you...knowing what you must think of me," he answered softly, taking a few steps away from the insistent heat radiating off her body. He wished he could just sweep her into his arms and make love to her, but he didn't understand how she could even stand to be in the same room as him.
Buffy gaped at him in confusion, her eyebrows pressing downwards from the force of her frown. "What are you talking about?"
"How can you even look at me or be around me after what I've done to you?" he screamed, his emotions surging and taking control.
"What you've done to me?" she repeated slowly. "I don't understand. You haven't done anything."
"Yes I have!" Angel yelled, finally facing her. "If it wasn't for me and what I did none of what's happened to you the last few years would have happened."
"Because of what you did? Angel, you're not making any sense," she stated in confusion. She honestly had no idea what he was talking about. He had nothing to do with her problems.
"Everything, Buffy, everything that's happened to you is because of me. If I hadn't left you, if I hadn't made you think I didn't love you, none of it would have happened," he choked back a sob as he finished. He knew in his heart that he was to blame her for her pain and trauma.
"Because of..." she trailed off, the reason for Angel's distance finally clicking into place. "No! No, Angel. This...what's happened to me, is not your fault!"
Angel stared at her as if she'd grown another head. How could she possible not see how this was all his fault? It was obscenely obvious to him. She would have never gotten into the situations she had without hit monumental screw up.
"It is!" he shouted forcefully. "If I hadn't left you, you would never have gone out with that sleazeball and you wouldn't have had to go through losing a baby."
Quiet descended in the room after Angel's words. Buffy was trying to think of what to say to him to tell him it wasn't his fault. She knew there was a certain logic to his reasoning. But she didn't blame him. He hadn't forced her to make the choices she had.
Buffy stepped up in front of him again raising her hand to rest her palm on his cheek. She lifted his downward cast eyes to look at her.
"It's not your fault, Angel," she said softly and sincerely. "It is not your fault."
"Yes, it is!" he sobbed defiantly, the tears he'd been holding back now falling down his cheeks.
"No, Angel, it's not," she comforted, brushing at the tears with her thumb. "We don't know would have happened if things had gone differently with us all those years ago. I had a lot of time to think this morning. I made my own choices, Angel. I chose to sleep with Parker. I chose to push my friends away. You didn't make me do those things."
"But you wouldn't have had to do them if I hadn't broken up with you!" he exclaimed hoarsely. Why didn't she understand it was his fault?
"We don't know what would have happened, Angel," she disagreed, looking straight into his eyes and hoping he would listen to her. "You still would have gone away to college. Maybe what happened with Parker wouldn't have happened, maybe it would, or maybe something else entirely would have."
"But...But..." he started to interrupt.
"No buts, Angel. We've both made mistakes. We've both done things we wish we hadn't. They can't be changed, though. Nothing can take back the past. And we can't dwell on it, either. We have each other now and that's all that matters," she told him with love shining in her eyes for him.
"I-I...I just hate seeing you in so much pain and knowing that I could have stopped it from happening," he whispered, leaning into the hand stroking his cheek. "It breaks my heart knowing what you went through."
"But it's not your fault, Angel," repeated Buffy again, her own tears now falling from seeing Angel in such distress.
"I only ever wanted you to be happy," he sobbed before pulling Buffy into his arms.
Buffy wrapped her arms around his shaking body and held him close as he cried for the girl she had once been and no longer was. She gently led him toward the bed where she laid down and pulled him back against her. His head rested against her chest, his tears darkening the material of her shirt. Her hands soothed his tense body, showing through action the love she felt for him.
The hold her arms had on his body never slacked. Not even after he had fallen asleep, his head still resting upon her upper body. Long into the night she continued to embrace his large, strong form. Her mind was elsewhere, though, as she spent the quiet night hours sorting through the vivid, returned memories that now plagued her.
Hours after Angel fell asleep her own eyes finally began to drift closed. She nestled herself further down onto the bed, keeping her body twined with Angel's. Gently, she reached a hand up to his tear stained face and lightly caressed his cheek.
"I love you, my Angel," she whispered, placing a soft kiss on his forehead before sleep over took her weary body.
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
In the darkened back corner of a bar a tall man sat, occasionally sipping a beer. His face was contorted into a frown as his fingers flicked drops of condensation off the glass in front of him. He looked up as another man strode up to the table and sat down.
"What was so damn important that I had to rush over here?" the second man growled.
"Hey, I'm doing you a favor!" the tall man spat back, his eyes narrowing at his companion.
"Whatever. Just tell me what the fuck I'm doing here so I can leave!"
"She's remembering," the first man spoke clearly, knowing the implications this new development would have.
The second man's head snapped around at the words. His eyes bore into his informant as if daring him to repeat it. He quickly realized they were in fact true.
"You're absolutely positive?" he asked, his words drawn out, various scenarios already running through his head.
"Yes," the first man answered simply.
"Shit," he cursed, quickly standing up from the table.
The door to the bar slammed shut as he forcefully stomped out to his car. His fist connected with its side panel causing him to curse loudly. He shook his head thinking about the new information. The situation had suddenly changed and he needed to do something about it quickly.
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
TBC
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
Part 19 - It's Not Your Fault
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
Angel awoke early the next morning, his subconscious not allowing him to sleep any longer. Glancing to the warm body curled against him, he was happy to find that Buffy was still sleeping soundly. She needed her rest, and he was almost afraid to face her. Afraid to hear her tell him that he was responsible for everything that had happened since he left.
Carefully, he loosened the hold her arms had on his body and climbed out of the bed. His gaze lingered on her still form for a minute. She looked better than she had the night before, but the pain was still etched on her face. Pain that he caused. If he hadn't left like he did, she would have never slept with that stupid fuck who used her and tossed her aside.
His shoulders sagged as he again remembered all that she had revealed to him and the others the night before. All he had ever wanted was for her to be happy. Was that too much to ask? Would she be happy now if he had never broken up with her?
With a last look toward Buffy, Angel left the room. He was in desperate need of some coffee. Maybe it would help clear his mind. Maybe it would help him think of a way to earn her forgiveness for all that he had caused.
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
Walking into the kitchen, Angel was greeted by six sets of eyes staring expectantly at him. He groaned inwardly at the site. He had been hoping for some time alone to brood and digest everything he had recently learned. Obviously, that wasn't going to happen.
"How is she?" Joyce asked as she poured some cream into her coffee.
"She's still asleep," he answered, getting himself a cup of coffee and sitting at the table with the others. "She slept through the whole night."
"I still can't believe all this. I never had any idea," Willow said sadly.
"It makes what's happened the last few years make more sense, though," Xander added from his spot next to Cordelia.
"Yes, quite right Xander. And I do hate to bring this up, but there is an issue that has yet to come up," spoke Giles worriedly as he cleaned his glasses.
The group at the table stared at him, wondering what it exactly he was suggesting. What more could there possibly be to the whole situation?
"The attack," whispered Willow, suddenly realizing what had yet to be brought up.
"Oh, dear," exclaimed Joyce.
"She didn't mention it last night when she talked to us," Cordelia reminded everyone.
"No, she only mentioned the things with...with Parker," Angel stumbled over the words. He couldn't quite find it in himself to mention Buffy and baby in the same sentence yet.
"I hate to put even more stress on her, but we should ask her about it," Joyce stated with a sigh. When did her daughter's life get so out of control? What had she, as her mother, done wrong?
"Maybe just one person should ask. I could be wrong, but I don't think all of us confronting her would help," chipped in Oz while pouring Willow a glass of juice. He tried to keep her caffeine intake to a minimum knowing how jittery it made her.
Everyone at the table turned to look at Angel who was staring at his hands. When he felt the eyes upon him he looked up at them. "What?"
"You're the one she responds best to Angel," Giles explained gently. "Perhaps it would be best if you asked her what else she remembers."
Angel released a heavy breath and ran a hand through his hair. How was he supposed to talk to her about something like that when he didn't even know if she would talk to him period? "Sure, I guess I can try."
"You don't have to, Angel. Maybe Willow could do it?" Joyce offered. She wished she could be the one to talk to Buffy. But they had never really been that close and she didn't think Buffy would take to her prodding.
"No, that's ok. I'll try," responded Angel, already worried over the upcoming conversation. "I think I'll head over to my apartment first, though, and shower and change."
"Oh, yeah, don't forget that Buffy's physical therapist will be here this morning too," Willow reminded everyone.
"Ok, I'll be back before he leaves," answered Angel as he stood up and started to leave the room.
"We better go too. I promised my parents we'd come by today," said Xander as he and Cordy also got up from the table.
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
Buffy sat on the windowseat in her room, staring out at the rain falling outside. Her eyes were blood shot and weary from the stresses of the previous night. Now that the memories of her lost child were back, she couldn't seem to get them out of her mind.
Her fingers reached up to trace the raindrops hitting the window. The weather fit her mood. The heavy drops of water falling outside matching the tears that were again falling down her cheeks.
What would her child be like now, at around three years of age? Would it have been a boy or a girl? What would he or she have looked like? She knew it wasn't good for her to wonder such things, but she couldn't help it.
The silent maudlin musings were interrupted by a knock on the door. Buffy looked up to find Riley standing there with his typical goofy smile on his face. She groaned internally, not wanting to deal with her dorky physical therapist, and certainly not in the mood to do any exercises.
"Hi Riley," she said dully.
"Hey Buffy," Riley greeted as he walked toward her. "Your Mom said you might not be up for your session today."
Buffy looked at him for a moment. Something about him bugged the Hell out of her but she couldn't figure out why. "No, not really. I'm sorry you came all the way here."
"That's okay. It's not that far of a drive," he said with a smile. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, I guess," she shrugged in response. "Some of my memories decided to make themselves known last night."
"Oh," stated Riley, his frown not noticed by Buffy. "Okay, then. I guess I will see you on Monday."
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
An hour or so later Angel entered Buffy's room thinking that she would be in the exercise room with Riley doing her physical therapy. He was surprised to find her sitting on the windowseat with her forehead pressed against the glass. The fingers on her left hand were lightly tracing patterns in the portion of the glass fogged up by her warm breath.
He stood and stared for a minute before finally speaking. "Hey."
Buffy turned her head to gaze at him, a small smile gracing her face at seeing Angel. "Hey. You're back."
"Yeah. I thought Riley was coming today," he stated his confusion over the missing physical therapist.
"Oh, yeah. He was here, but I wasn't feeling up to working out today," she shrugged, standing up from her seated position.
She frowned as she looked at Angel. He seemed to be avoiding looking directly at her for some reason. That was definitely very un-Angel-like. He'd been acting weird since her revelations the night before. Was he disgusted by her now that he new the truth?
"Angel?" she asked and waited for him to finally look at her. "What's wrong?"
"Wrong?" Angel repeated, not knowing what she was referring to.
"Why won't you look at me? You act like you don't want to be here." The last part was spoken in a whisper, her fears that Angel was disgusted with her getting the best of her.
"I...uh...I-I.." he stumbled, casting his eyes downwards.
"You hate me, don't you?" she stated, a tear leaking out of one of her eyes.
"What? No! No, I don't hate you, Buffy!" Angel spoke adamantly. How could she possibly think he hated her?
Frustrated by his actions, Buffy walked to stand right in front of him and stared in to his face. Angel met her eyes for only a moment before turning away.
"Then why can't you look me in the eyes?!?" she nearly shouted in anger.
"I...I...it's hard for me to...look at you...knowing what you must think of me," he answered softly, taking a few steps away from the insistent heat radiating off her body. He wished he could just sweep her into his arms and make love to her, but he didn't understand how she could even stand to be in the same room as him.
Buffy gaped at him in confusion, her eyebrows pressing downwards from the force of her frown. "What are you talking about?"
"How can you even look at me or be around me after what I've done to you?" he screamed, his emotions surging and taking control.
"What you've done to me?" she repeated slowly. "I don't understand. You haven't done anything."
"Yes I have!" Angel yelled, finally facing her. "If it wasn't for me and what I did none of what's happened to you the last few years would have happened."
"Because of what you did? Angel, you're not making any sense," she stated in confusion. She honestly had no idea what he was talking about. He had nothing to do with her problems.
"Everything, Buffy, everything that's happened to you is because of me. If I hadn't left you, if I hadn't made you think I didn't love you, none of it would have happened," he choked back a sob as he finished. He knew in his heart that he was to blame her for her pain and trauma.
"Because of..." she trailed off, the reason for Angel's distance finally clicking into place. "No! No, Angel. This...what's happened to me, is not your fault!"
Angel stared at her as if she'd grown another head. How could she possible not see how this was all his fault? It was obscenely obvious to him. She would have never gotten into the situations she had without hit monumental screw up.
"It is!" he shouted forcefully. "If I hadn't left you, you would never have gone out with that sleazeball and you wouldn't have had to go through losing a baby."
Quiet descended in the room after Angel's words. Buffy was trying to think of what to say to him to tell him it wasn't his fault. She knew there was a certain logic to his reasoning. But she didn't blame him. He hadn't forced her to make the choices she had.
Buffy stepped up in front of him again raising her hand to rest her palm on his cheek. She lifted his downward cast eyes to look at her.
"It's not your fault, Angel," she said softly and sincerely. "It is not your fault."
"Yes, it is!" he sobbed defiantly, the tears he'd been holding back now falling down his cheeks.
"No, Angel, it's not," she comforted, brushing at the tears with her thumb. "We don't know would have happened if things had gone differently with us all those years ago. I had a lot of time to think this morning. I made my own choices, Angel. I chose to sleep with Parker. I chose to push my friends away. You didn't make me do those things."
"But you wouldn't have had to do them if I hadn't broken up with you!" he exclaimed hoarsely. Why didn't she understand it was his fault?
"We don't know what would have happened, Angel," she disagreed, looking straight into his eyes and hoping he would listen to her. "You still would have gone away to college. Maybe what happened with Parker wouldn't have happened, maybe it would, or maybe something else entirely would have."
"But...But..." he started to interrupt.
"No buts, Angel. We've both made mistakes. We've both done things we wish we hadn't. They can't be changed, though. Nothing can take back the past. And we can't dwell on it, either. We have each other now and that's all that matters," she told him with love shining in her eyes for him.
"I-I...I just hate seeing you in so much pain and knowing that I could have stopped it from happening," he whispered, leaning into the hand stroking his cheek. "It breaks my heart knowing what you went through."
"But it's not your fault, Angel," repeated Buffy again, her own tears now falling from seeing Angel in such distress.
"I only ever wanted you to be happy," he sobbed before pulling Buffy into his arms.
Buffy wrapped her arms around his shaking body and held him close as he cried for the girl she had once been and no longer was. She gently led him toward the bed where she laid down and pulled him back against her. His head rested against her chest, his tears darkening the material of her shirt. Her hands soothed his tense body, showing through action the love she felt for him.
The hold her arms had on his body never slacked. Not even after he had fallen asleep, his head still resting upon her upper body. Long into the night she continued to embrace his large, strong form. Her mind was elsewhere, though, as she spent the quiet night hours sorting through the vivid, returned memories that now plagued her.
Hours after Angel fell asleep her own eyes finally began to drift closed. She nestled herself further down onto the bed, keeping her body twined with Angel's. Gently, she reached a hand up to his tear stained face and lightly caressed his cheek.
"I love you, my Angel," she whispered, placing a soft kiss on his forehead before sleep over took her weary body.
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
In the darkened back corner of a bar a tall man sat, occasionally sipping a beer. His face was contorted into a frown as his fingers flicked drops of condensation off the glass in front of him. He looked up as another man strode up to the table and sat down.
"What was so damn important that I had to rush over here?" the second man growled.
"Hey, I'm doing you a favor!" the tall man spat back, his eyes narrowing at his companion.
"Whatever. Just tell me what the fuck I'm doing here so I can leave!"
"She's remembering," the first man spoke clearly, knowing the implications this new development would have.
The second man's head snapped around at the words. His eyes bore into his informant as if daring him to repeat it. He quickly realized they were in fact true.
"You're absolutely positive?" he asked, his words drawn out, various scenarios already running through his head.
"Yes," the first man answered simply.
"Shit," he cursed, quickly standing up from the table.
The door to the bar slammed shut as he forcefully stomped out to his car. His fist connected with its side panel causing him to curse loudly. He shook his head thinking about the new information. The situation had suddenly changed and he needed to do something about it quickly.
^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^
TBC
