Isobel lay on her bed reading the diaries.
One of them was normal, it was just her talking about her everyday life.
It was a decoy.
The second began just when she had gotten her memory back after being a
higher power.
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Dear diary, I love Angel. It's official as soon as I got my memory back and I saw him. I knew that I loved him more than anything or anyone else. I can't have him and it's killing me. I was sent back for a reason. Conor is going to die and there is nothing I can do to stop that but Angel must have a living heir if he is to regain his soul permanently. I have to give Angel an heir and that means I have to sleep with Conor. I wanted to just sleep with Angel and have a little girl with his eyes and my hair and my nose because his is a little big for a girl. But I can't always, make that ever, have what I want. If I sleep with Angel then he will turn into Angelus and then he will be as good as dead. Instead I have to sleep with Conor. I have to help Angel. I promised him that I'd be there in the end. Now I will be.
Dear Diary, I want Angel to hate me. It will make things so much easier. I keep leaving the hotel and spending time with Conor and I know that it hurts Angel. But when I'm with Conor, trying to bring myself to do the deed all I can think about is Angel. My Angel, the one that I want. He's being so nice to me. It makes it so much harder.
Dear Diary, The beast has come. I don't have much time. I know that he will kill Conor and I have to be pregnant before that. I wish I could tell Angel, make him understand but I can't. I can't even hug him because when I do all I want is to kiss him and be with him. I can't be and it's killing me.
Dear Diary, The deed is done and I hate myself. All I could do was pretend it was Angel and afterwards I just wanted to cry. I wanted to cry for myself, for Conor, for Angel, for everyone in this stupid mess. Angel knows. The way he looked at me. He was so hurt, disappointed, furious, defeated. I wish I could tell him but I know what I must do now. I have to leave, get away so that no one knows I'm pregnant. If they do I'll be killed, anyone who knows the prophecies knows that this baby is special. They will know what she can do. I keep thinking that the baby is a girl. It's strange I can't even feel her move and yet I know that she's there. I don't know where I'm going to go. I need somewhere to hide out until I'm nearly ready to give birth. The child has to be protected and I know that the only person who can do that is Buffy. I know that we never got along or hell I don't even like that girl very much but I know that she has the power to protect this child. That was proved with Dawn. Other people around Buffy will protect my baby too. Willow is pretty powerful and Xander is full of good intentions. My baby will be safe there. Safe when no one knows who she really is.
Dear Diary, This is it and I've only just started writing in you. I leave today, when no one is around. I'm not even sure where to go, if I go to Buffy too soon she'll tell Angel or she'll convince me that I can protect my baby. I'm not idiotic enough to believe that but I don't know if I could cope with their pity. I know I have to give her up, and by dying after I do that she'll be safe. If I just disappear they'll find me eventually, or everyone here in L.A will find out about her. I know that Angel will want her, once he gets over how she was conceived. But he can't have her until she's old enough to know her own mind, to know what she is to be on her own, so that she isn't pulled into this murky world unless she wants to be a part of it. All I want is for her to be safe. She is the best of me, even if no one will know that she is my one legacy. She, I just know the baby is a girl, is my gift to Angel, to this world. I pray that she will never know about all these expectations because more than anything I want my child to be safe and to be free. Freer than everyone else who knows that they have a destiny, like Buffy. I want my child to be happier than I was. Or even as happy as I was before all of this came about when I was able to convince myself that Angel and I could be together. Before I ascended life was complicated but I could handle it. With Angel's help I could handle anything that was thrown at me. I miss him, I miss the faith and trust he had in me. I miss the strength I got from just knowing that he was there, always watching my back.
To whom ever, if anyone ever, reads this, I'm more than likely already dead so read this and take from it what you will. You probably think I'm insane but this short diary is the only acknowledgement of why I did what I did. I ask you to either show this to who you think will benefit from it and then destroy it. I would have but I don't have the strength to leave no record of my reasoning behind. I hope that one day my Angel will read this and understand why I had to hurt him and how much it hurt me in return. I want him to know that is was my one true love, no one else even came close.
Cordelia Chase.
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Isobel sat and her heart broke. It was so short it had taken her minutes to read but it had told her so much. Her mother had loved her. It was vague on the details though. What was coming? What did she have to do with anything? What prophecies? Giles had never told her of any pertaining to her future. But then he didn't have the full details. Her mother had been dead for years what was she supposed to do with this diary. If she gave it to Angel would it just bring everything back to him, would it hurt him all over again or would it give him a sense of peace. Isobel sat. And then she sat some more. She was only young she didn't know what to do. Then she fell asleep.
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Dear diary, I love Angel. It's official as soon as I got my memory back and I saw him. I knew that I loved him more than anything or anyone else. I can't have him and it's killing me. I was sent back for a reason. Conor is going to die and there is nothing I can do to stop that but Angel must have a living heir if he is to regain his soul permanently. I have to give Angel an heir and that means I have to sleep with Conor. I wanted to just sleep with Angel and have a little girl with his eyes and my hair and my nose because his is a little big for a girl. But I can't always, make that ever, have what I want. If I sleep with Angel then he will turn into Angelus and then he will be as good as dead. Instead I have to sleep with Conor. I have to help Angel. I promised him that I'd be there in the end. Now I will be.
Dear Diary, I want Angel to hate me. It will make things so much easier. I keep leaving the hotel and spending time with Conor and I know that it hurts Angel. But when I'm with Conor, trying to bring myself to do the deed all I can think about is Angel. My Angel, the one that I want. He's being so nice to me. It makes it so much harder.
Dear Diary, The beast has come. I don't have much time. I know that he will kill Conor and I have to be pregnant before that. I wish I could tell Angel, make him understand but I can't. I can't even hug him because when I do all I want is to kiss him and be with him. I can't be and it's killing me.
Dear Diary, The deed is done and I hate myself. All I could do was pretend it was Angel and afterwards I just wanted to cry. I wanted to cry for myself, for Conor, for Angel, for everyone in this stupid mess. Angel knows. The way he looked at me. He was so hurt, disappointed, furious, defeated. I wish I could tell him but I know what I must do now. I have to leave, get away so that no one knows I'm pregnant. If they do I'll be killed, anyone who knows the prophecies knows that this baby is special. They will know what she can do. I keep thinking that the baby is a girl. It's strange I can't even feel her move and yet I know that she's there. I don't know where I'm going to go. I need somewhere to hide out until I'm nearly ready to give birth. The child has to be protected and I know that the only person who can do that is Buffy. I know that we never got along or hell I don't even like that girl very much but I know that she has the power to protect this child. That was proved with Dawn. Other people around Buffy will protect my baby too. Willow is pretty powerful and Xander is full of good intentions. My baby will be safe there. Safe when no one knows who she really is.
Dear Diary, This is it and I've only just started writing in you. I leave today, when no one is around. I'm not even sure where to go, if I go to Buffy too soon she'll tell Angel or she'll convince me that I can protect my baby. I'm not idiotic enough to believe that but I don't know if I could cope with their pity. I know I have to give her up, and by dying after I do that she'll be safe. If I just disappear they'll find me eventually, or everyone here in L.A will find out about her. I know that Angel will want her, once he gets over how she was conceived. But he can't have her until she's old enough to know her own mind, to know what she is to be on her own, so that she isn't pulled into this murky world unless she wants to be a part of it. All I want is for her to be safe. She is the best of me, even if no one will know that she is my one legacy. She, I just know the baby is a girl, is my gift to Angel, to this world. I pray that she will never know about all these expectations because more than anything I want my child to be safe and to be free. Freer than everyone else who knows that they have a destiny, like Buffy. I want my child to be happier than I was. Or even as happy as I was before all of this came about when I was able to convince myself that Angel and I could be together. Before I ascended life was complicated but I could handle it. With Angel's help I could handle anything that was thrown at me. I miss him, I miss the faith and trust he had in me. I miss the strength I got from just knowing that he was there, always watching my back.
To whom ever, if anyone ever, reads this, I'm more than likely already dead so read this and take from it what you will. You probably think I'm insane but this short diary is the only acknowledgement of why I did what I did. I ask you to either show this to who you think will benefit from it and then destroy it. I would have but I don't have the strength to leave no record of my reasoning behind. I hope that one day my Angel will read this and understand why I had to hurt him and how much it hurt me in return. I want him to know that is was my one true love, no one else even came close.
Cordelia Chase.
**************************************
Isobel sat and her heart broke. It was so short it had taken her minutes to read but it had told her so much. Her mother had loved her. It was vague on the details though. What was coming? What did she have to do with anything? What prophecies? Giles had never told her of any pertaining to her future. But then he didn't have the full details. Her mother had been dead for years what was she supposed to do with this diary. If she gave it to Angel would it just bring everything back to him, would it hurt him all over again or would it give him a sense of peace. Isobel sat. And then she sat some more. She was only young she didn't know what to do. Then she fell asleep.
