AN: I wanted to thank everyone for all of the really awesome reviews!! They've been so great! I can't thank you all enough, they really help. ~Kay

far and few

Ryan decided to wait another fifteen minutes before he left.

He was pissed off. Every Thursday they usually had take out together.

She should have been home two hours ago, he didn't understand. Where was she? It seemed like he'd been asking that question often lately. Too often.

As he sat on her porch he realized that he still didn't have a key to her house. Don't couples usually have each others keys by the time they're engaged? They didn't. He had offered his, but she had refused.

The take out Thai food was cold beside him. Lorelai had told him awhile ago that Rory loved Thai take out, but for some reason he had never seen her eat it. He thought he would surprise her. So much for that.

He was about to leave when a pair of headlights coming up the driveway blinding him.

He watched as Rory stepped out of her car with her briefcase in hand, her heels clicked the ground as she made her way up the sidewalk. She was looking down and didn't see him until she was almost to the porch. She looked up, her face surprised and bewildered.

"Ryan?" Her eyebrows were knitted in confusion, "What are you doing here?"

"We usually do takeout Thursdays? Remember?." Ryan said, "But you're late."

Rory gave him a small smile and stepped up onto the porch with him, but she looked slightly confused. "I'm sorry I didn't know we were doing it tonight, we never talked about it. I worked late tonight on my column." She kissed his cheek.

Ryan only nodded and picked up the bag, "We'll just have to heat it up." He tired to hide his annoyance with her.

Rory eyed the bag, "What is it?"

"Thai take out." Ryan said and made his way into the house.

Rory frowned at his back, "But I don't like Thai."

Ryan's frown matched hers as he turned to her, "But you mom told me you did."

"I did when I was younger." Rory said slowly. She walked into the kitchen and placed her briefcase on the counter. "But I don't anymore."

Ryan sighed and placed the bag on the kitchen table, "Won't you just try it?"

Rory shook her head, "I really don't like it anymore."

"Fine." Ryan grabbed the bag and put it in the fridge, "I'll eat it later. Would you like me to make you something?"

"Listen Ry," Rory rubbed her aching temples, she had a nasty headache. "I really don't feel well, I had been planning on spending the night alone. I appreciate all this, but I have a terrible headache."

Ryan scowled, "What has been up with you lately?"

She looked at him surprised, "Nothing has."

Ryan snorted, "Yeah, right."

"I'm just not feeling well is all." Rory said firmly.

Ryan shook his head, "It's not that. You just haven't been acting like yourself."

Rory began assembling the coffee ingredients in the coffee maker, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Has he signed the papers yet?" Ryan asked for what seemed like the twentieth time in the past two weeks.

"No." Rory answered, almost surprised with the sudden change in subject.

"Jesus!" Ryan exclaimed, "When is he going to do it? How bitter is he?"

"It's more complicated then that." Rory turned the coffee maker on and the water began to drip.

"How so?" Ryan asked.

"It's a long story, Ryan." The way she said it meant drop it.

But he didn't, "Well, I have all night."

Rory turned on him, "Well, I don't. Please, Ryan just let it go, he'll sign them when he signs them."

"That's not good enough Rory!"

"It's good enough for me."

Ryan slumped down in one of the kitchen chairs, "Sometimes it seems like you don't want to be here."

Rory looked at him, confused, "What do you mean by that?"

"I mean that sometimes it feels like you don't want to get married."

Rory looked shocked, "How can you even say that?"

Ryan shrugged, "Easily. It just seems like you're not all there."

"I know that I haven't been lately." Rory said and sat down beside him, her voice sounded defeated. "Everything with Jess has just been so complicated lately." She put her head in her hands and sighed. "It's been so hard."

"Why has it been hard Rory?"

"You wouldn't understand." As soon as Rory said those words she regretted them. Now she was in for it.

Rage coursed through Ryan, he clenched his teeth. "First it's "a long story" and now it's "you wouldn't understand". Why won't you just tell me what's wrong?" He balled his fists in anger. "Maybe then I would."

Rory shook her head, "I'm sorry."

"Don't say that Rory. I just want to know what's going on."

Rory didn't answer, she continued to stare at the table. This one was new, it hadn't been theirs. She noticed she'd been doing that a lot lately, remembering what had been theirs and what was new. Ryan's voice brought her back to the real world.

"You don't tell me anything Rory. I don't even know why you divorced Jess."

Rory stood up and poured herself a coffee, it didn't even fill her mug a quarter of the way, but she chugged it down anyway.

"You see what I mean? You pull away whenever I mention that! Why won't you tell me Rory?"

"Because it's not your place to know." Rory said.

"It's not my place to know?" Ryan bellowed. "I'm your God damn fiancé!"

Rory winced, her head hurt so bad. Why did he have to yell? "Don't push me Ryan." She made her voice firm and steady although she felt weak and wrung out.

"Why won't you tell me?" He shouted.

This time Rory shouted back, "Because I've only just told him! Okay?!" She paused and it looked as though she was about to cry but she held back, "I've only just told him." She said softly. She took a deep breath.

Ryan stared at her, "You mean he never knew why you wanted a divorce until now?"

"Yes."

Silence filled the room for a few minutes. Only the sound of a cricket could be heard.

He went to her, "I'm sorry I was such a jerk."

Rory forced a smile, 'It's okay."

He took her in his arms and just held her for awhile. When he pulled away he said, "Why don't you go upstairs and lie down. I'll bring you up a bowl of soup."

This time Rory's smile was genuine, "That would be wonderful." She kissed him gently.

Ryan watched as she walked out of the kitchen. He turned away and stared at the floor, he couldn't help but feel that something wasn't right.
****************************************************

Rory stared up at the ceiling, or what would be her ceiling if she could see it. She liked the dark best. She hated bright colors. Like white. She didn't like that color at all.

Ryan had left an hour ago thinking that she had fallen asleep. But she really hadn't, she just wanted to be alone. She had pretended to be asleep to get rid of him.

What kind of person was she turning in to? Pretending to be asleep to get rid of her fiancé? It wasn't right, Rory sighed and turned over in bed. He had been so understanding too. Ryan was always understanding, in fact tonight was the first time they had ever really fought.

She remembered the fights she used to have with Jess before their marriage fell apart. The make ups were always the best. Rory smiled.

Jess was the only man she had ever given herself to. She couldn't bring herself to have sex with Ryan, because that's what it would be- having sex. It wouldn't be making love as it had with Jess because she didn't love Ryan. And that was that. They had come close so many times until they were both naked and holding each other in bed, but each time Rory made him stop saying that she wanted to wait until they were married. But that wasn't true, it's not like she was a firm believer in any religion. She and Jess made love before they were married.

No, it was because every time they were even close to sex, Rory was bombarded by all these horrible images. Images that tore at her heart and soul until she could no longer breath. They had never been like that before. Even before the separation with Jess, she had only stopped him from making love because of the guilt.

These images were new and unwanted.

Sometimes she missed making love with Jess, it had been so long since she had.

Jealousy and bitterness coursed through her as she wondered if Jess had slept with anyone throughout their separation. Probably. He couldn't be deprived of sex for long.

She felt like crying, thinking of him making love to someone else. Kissing someone else, holding someone else, caressing someone else, whispering soft words into someone else's ear. She hated the thought of his soft lips against someone else's other than hers, hating the thought of him loving someone else.

She clutched the covers against her and Rory thought of the blonde beauty she had seen him with in the hallway of his apartment, they had probably come up to do it in his bed.

In their bed. Jess had gotten their bed. Rory missed that bed; sharing it with him.

She would never be able to share anything with Jess again. Not after what happened. Not now that she had told him. It had been five days since then and he still hadn't called.

Rory was scared out of her mind. Scared that he would call. Scared that he would never call. Scared that he would never want to see her again.
****************************************************
He still couldn't understand how he ended up here. Would he ever? He thought he would after this one question had been answered, but he didn't. He was simply more confused.

Rory wouldn't do something like that, not for money, never for money. There must be something else. There HAD to be something else. There were pieces missing to her story that he wanted filled.

He jammed his hands in his pockets and stared at the sidewalk below him as his feet dragged along. Don't step on the crack or you'll break your mothers back. He avoided the cracks, an old childhood game. But he knew what it was like to fall head first into a crack, a fissure in life. One that you almost drown in, struggling with everything your worth to keep your head above water.

He wondered if he was still drowning. Wondered if he would ever manage to keep his head above water before being dunked back under once again with something like this.

A father. Jess let out a laugh. A very bitter laugh, forced and strangled. What kind of father would he have made anyway? Not a very good one. So there was no loss right? Right. After all, it was a good thing Rory killed their only child, he might have turned out to be like is own father. Deserting his family when times got rough. He could forgive her, it's not like it mattered.

Jess reached into his pocket and pulled out a package of cigarettes freshly bought from the corner market only ten minutes ago. He stopped walking abruptly and leaned against a tree opening to the town park. He struck a match and lit the cigarette. He had started smoking again last Sunday, the day after she told him. But he still wasn't used to the taste yet. Not even close, it still surprised him.

He stared at it for a moment, contemplating its meaning. Second hand smoking is not good for children. Lung cancer can result. But oh wait, that doesn't matter anyway.

A bitter taste filled his mouth that was so overpowering that he quickly drew the burning cigarette away from his mouth with a horrible look upon his face. He felt twelve again, a memory of taking his first taste in the alley behind his apartment building swirled within his mind like the smoke curling from the red tip. Had he actually smoked these?

Yes he had. He brought it back up to his mouth and inhaled once again. He could get use to this. The nicotine was already flooding into his bloodstream, calm him down, calm him down.

Who deserted who anyway? Maybe he would have turned out to be his father, leaving his wife and child behind. Couldn't find out now anyway. But somehow in the back off his mind Jess knew he could never, would never.

Rory deserted him, not the other way around.

No, he knew what it was like to be deserted. Twice. He could never do that to another human being, especially one he loved.

*Flashback*

Empty. It was empty. The hangers hung bare in the closet. The drawers held no Harvard sweatshirts, or Hello Kitty t-shirts. He never thought he would miss tripping over high heeled shoes or hanging up the towels neatly in the bathroom. But he did.

Jess lay on his bed staring up at the ceiling stained with only God knows what. He put his hands behind his head, his life was completely empty. Devoid of anything real. Luke kept telling him to move to another town, find another job, get on with your life, but he couldn't. How could he leave the only home he had ever truly loved?

He knew he was clinging to nothing, but he couldn't help it. The phone rang beside him but he didn't fell much like answering it. He wondered what she was feeling like right now. He wondered if she could read anything at all, did all her books remind her of him? Could she eat Thai take out without being overcome with the intense urge to weep? Did she still take her wedding ring out everyday and wonder what went wrong? Did she put it on her finger over and over again until finally flinging it across the room? And did she then scramble to find it? Did she remember that their five year anniversary was in two weeks?

Could she still feel her heart?

The phone rang for the second time. And then a third. And then a fourth.

When it rang the fifth time Jess finally rolled over and said, "What?"

A disgruntled voice answered. "Do you ever answer your phone?"

"What is it?" Jess asked impatiently sitting up slowly.

"I've found you a new job."

Jess was about to give him a curt reply, but Luke beat him to it. "Listen okay? Just listen. It's an English Literature job in Pennington New York. Public high school. Uhh . . . you'll have five classes and you'll be the moderator of the school news paper." Luke rambled. "And it's a small town, very Stars Hollowesque. A nice library that I'm sure you'll enjoy." Luke paused and Jess could hear him shuffling through papers.

"Okay, wait a minute. Now I know you can't get all of this information from a newspaper ad." Jess said somewhat annoyed.

"Oh yeah, I know. I called the school."

"Luke, I do not need you running my life!"

"Now listen here Jess. Someone needs to because you're doing a shitty job at it. I think you should give this a chance., you need get over her!"

"You don't know what the fuck you're talking about." Jess said into the phone, his knuckles were white from clutching it so tightly.

Luke snorted. "All you do is work, eat and mope. Get over it. It's been four months already and you haven't even tried to move on with your life. And it's never gunna happen if you don't move out of that God damn apartment and that God damn city!!"

"I grew up here."

"That's not the point. You're only there to hold on to anything you can of Rory. Move on Jess. You need to get on with you're life, bring some meaning into it again."

Jess sighed and pressed the heel of his hand against an eye. He said, "My life can never make sense without her."

"That's a load of horse shit." Luke said exasperated. "You're pissing me off again, so when you feel like hearing about this new job let me know." And with that he hung up.

Jess laid back again on his bed and stared once again at the ceiling. Who did he think he was anyway, trying to control his life like that? He could move on if he wanted to, he just didn't feel like it yet.

'I don't love you.' Words, words, words. How could they cut him so deeply? What was love anyway? He didn't need it.

Jess called Luke back two minutes later.

*Present*

He ground the small cigarette bud under his toe until every spark had burnt out. His life did make sense without her. It's just that there was always something missing. But it wasn't empty, simply half full.

There was something missing. Jess was sure of that now. Rory wouldn't do that. She couldn't. She wasn't a killer, especially when it came to her own child. They had been talking of having children as soon as they made more money. So why would she have had an abortion just when Jess had gotten a better paying job? It didn't add up.

On the way back home he bought a carton of nicotine at the same corner store.

AN: Hey, I hope you liked this chapter!!! Please review and let me know if you did or didn't!!