AN: Hi everyone! Here's the next chapter and I'm really hoping that you'll
like it! Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed!! They've been really
awesome. I especially want to thank EvilEmmy and to let her know that I
don't think you're insane at all and I really enjoyed your review. And to
Imonadiet who also gave me a really great review. And of course I would
also like to thank again Lauramariano (Julie) for all of your fantastic
reviews and suggestions that you have given me!!!
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~Kay
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it is me that you own
"What are you going to do?"
The air was completely still, it hung so thick that it felt almost tangible. His mouth was parched from speaking so fast and quickly, he licked his lips in an attempt to moisten them. But they simply became more chapped. He ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know." He said.
Luke stared imploringly back at him and folded his arms over his chest. "Did you leave anything out?" He asked.
Sighing Jess shook his head and said, "Not a thing."
They were in the storage room at the diner. Jess thought it could really do with some windows. There was sweat running down his back, and his heart was racing. It felt like he couldn't get enough air. Or maybe it was just because he had finally spoken of it aloud.
Luke furrowed his eyebrows and said, "Maybe it's just me, but it sounds like something is missing."
Jess tipped his head up and looked at the ceiling, "Thank you! I thought I was going crazy." He rubbed his forehead. "I thought the same after I really considered the whole thing. I mean, Rory just wouldn't do something like that . . .would she?"
Luke shook his head, "No. She wouldn't have done that even if you had been living in a box on the side of the road."
"Exactly!" Jess said frustrated. "I don't get it!" He leaned against the shelf behind him. He felt the wood jutting hard into his back, but it didn't bother him. He could barely feel it. Sighing he said, "What do you think that I should do?"
Luke stuffed his hands into his pockets and leaned back on his heels. There was a moments silence where Luke thought this over in a slow, deliberate way. Finally he answered, "I don't think I should really answer that question. This is your life, not mine."
"I knew you were going to say that." Jess said almost rolling his eye. "If you could just give me some advice Luke . . .I really just don't know what to do." He dropped his head and stared at the ground.
"Well, have you forgiven her?"
"I could never hold anything against her. I forgave her a long time ago."
Luke nodded understandingly. "I think maybe you should talk to her."
Horrible images started to run through Jess's mind. The real reasons Rory had an abortion, reasons that he didn't want to know or hear put into words. Imagining them didn't make it real. He didn't want them to be real. "I. . .I don't know if I want the truth." He said slowly, he looked away from Luke ashamed.
"For Peat's sake, why wouldn't . . ." But Luke trailed off as if he understood what Jess was thinking. He paused to stuff his hands into his pockets. "You're scared of the truth."
"More than anything." He waved a hand in the air, "Luke, if the abortion wasn't the whole truth, then what is? What could possibly be worse then what she has already told me? I just don't know if I want to hear it. It's bad enough already."
"Yeah, but you can't wonder about it for the rest of your life. You've been doing that for the past three years."
Jess nodded, "I know that." He said. "I just need some time."
"Then take some time. But just don't take three years, okay?" Luke put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't kill your self like that again."
Jess looked him in the eye, "I'm not about to do that again."
Nodding Luke gave his shoulder a small fatherly squeeze and then jerked his head to the doorway. "C'mon." He said, "You can help me out with the dinner crowd."
"What makes you think I'm gunna do that?" Jess asked and smirked.
Luke walked out of the storage room, "It'll take your mind off of her." He called back, and then he was gone.
Maybe it would take his mind off of her. Nothing else had, but it was worth a try.
****************************************************
"Kimmy! Stop that!" Lane scolded her oldest daughter as she jumped into the nearest mud puddle spraying everyone with small flecks of brown goo.
Kimmy smiled toothily and sprinted away toward the play ground.
"Keep an eye on her." Lane said warningly to Thomas who was standing next to her.
"Okay Mom." And with that Thomas sprinted away too calling after Kimmy to wait up.
Lane sighed and looked around her, searching for Melanie. It was Friday and they were at James' baseball game, it had been a very stressful week and all she wanted to do was go home. "Hey Mel! Where are you?" Lane called out.
A giggle came from behind her, "I'm right here Mommy!" And out popped Melanie from the back of a car.
Lane held out her hand, "Come on babe. Let's go."
"I hate baseball." Melanie said as she put her small hand in Lane's.
The backpack on Lane's back was digging into her shoulder, she readjusted it. "I know Mel, but this is your brothers game. Besides Uncle Jess is going to be here."
A pair of wide eyes stared up at her. "Really?"
Lane smiled, "Yeah hon. I told you that this morning remember?" God this backpack was uncomfortable. Lane shrugged her shoulders up and down, trying to find a comfortable position. In her right hand was Melanie, in the left were two lawn chairs. She loved to watch her son play baseball, but Christ, was it a pain to get there.
Melanie squinted against the bright sun, staring down at the field which was littered with small boys throwing baseballs and parents edged out around it. She pointed, "Look there he is!" She squealed and began to run down the slope that led to the field shouting, "Uncle Jess! Uncle Jess!"
Her bright pink dress billowed behind her in the wind like a balloon. She was almost to Jess when she tripped up a bit and fell to her knees, but she was on her feet again quickly yelling, "Hello!"
Jess was grinning as he swooped her up into his arms and twirled her around. "How's it going Mellie?" He asked as he held her in his arms.
She linked her hands around his neck, "Good. I'm taking ballet now! Did Aunt Rory tell you?"
Jess' grin faltered a little, but he quickly said. "No, but your Mom did."
A big smile appeared on her face. "At the end of the year, we're going to have a . . .a. . ." She furrowed her eyebrows thinking hard.
"A recital." Lane finished for her. She had just caught up with them. She dropped the backpack and chairs to the ground in relief.
Melanie nodded enthusiastically, "Yeah a rital! Will you come?" She asked Jess staring at him carefully with large eyes.
"You know it!" Exclaimed Jess.
Lane stared at Jess thoughtfully, "How are you doing?" She asked softly.
"As well as to be expected." He said and then changed the subject, "Where is everybody?" He looked around for the rest of the kids.
"Mathew and James are out on the field practicing, they always get here before us." Lane leaned over to unfold the chairs. "Kimmy and Thomas are already at the playground."
At that moment a certain blonde haired boy came scurrying over, a streak of dirt ran across his face. "Uncle Jess!" He cried, grinning eagerly. "You came!"
Jess lowered Melanie to the ground who had begun to squirm. "I said I would didn't I?" He asked and ruffled James' hair.
James punched his hand into his mitt, "We're gunna beat their butts so bad! They're not gunna know what hit them!" He scowled and tried to put on a mean look. But it didn't really work on such a sweet face.
"Oh yeah, and who told you that?" Lane asked already knowing the answer.
"Dad did!" James cried. And then he looked around, searching for someone. "Where's Aunt Rory?" He asked.
Noticing that Jess had flinched Lane quickly replied, "She couldn't come, remember? I told you that hon."
"Ohhh." He said understandingly. Then he looked at Jess with a confused expression, "But you're here." He said fervently.
"I don't see much of your Aunt Rory anymore." Jess said. Why did her name always come up when he was around these kids?
Lane put her hands on her hips. "James Patrick we've talked about this too many times now! Aunt Rory and Uncle Jess are not together anymore!"
"Oh yeah!" James laughed at his forgetfulness. "You told me that last night. Well," he said punching into his mitt again, "I have to go work my stuff." Ands with that he ran off not knowing the damage he had caused in one innocent question.
The breeze filtered through Lane's hair. She bit her lip and looked at Jess, "Sorry about that." She said concerned. "They always just put you two together . . .I've tried so many times to explain it to them. It's mostly just Mel and James-"
Jess cut her off, "It's okay Lane. I know it's hard for them to understand." He sat down on the other chair, "Don't worry about it."
Lane looked relieved. "So are you're sure you're doing all right?"
Jess shrugged, "I'll be okay. But I'd rather not talk about it just yet."
"Okay." Lane said easily.
A moment later the umpire blew his whistle and the game began. Kimmy, Thomas and Melanie came running over from the playground to watch their brother play third base. Melanie sat herself on Jess's lap, wiggling around and making a disturbance as she pleased.
"What's that?" She asked pointing at the book bulging in Jess's pocket.
He pulled it out and showed it to her. He said, "The book I'm reading right now."
"Oh." Melanie took the book and squinted at it. "Is it good?"
"Yeah." He said.
"What's it says?" She asked holding it up in front of him.
"It's called 'There's a certain slant of light'."
She wrinkled her forehead, "What's that mean?"
There was a crack of a bat hitting a baseball and then the scream of Lane beside him. She had jumped out of her seat and was yelling her head off. "Go James!!! Yeah!!! Awesome throw buddy." She pumped her fists into the air and stamped her feet. "You show them who's got the right stuff!"
Jess raised his eyebrows, "Got the right stuff?" He whispered to the kids.
Thomas rolled his eye. "And she's only just started. I HATE it when she does this at my soccer games."
"And my hockey." Kimmy said folding her arms.
Grinning Jess leaned back in his chair. "Hope she doesn't do that at your recital." He said to Melanie.
Melanie shook her head eagerly, "Nuh-ut. Not at MY rital."
Lane plopped back down I her chair and Jess gave her a look. "What?" She said shrugging. "So I get a little over excited!"
"A little? Mom you're wacko!" Kimmy said exasperated.
"You can say that again." Piped Thomas.
Jess chuckled, "Yeah really. I never thought I would see you get this excited at a sports event Kim."
Lane narrowed her eyes and said grumpily, "So what if I'm a soccer mom?! I'm proud of it!"
"Mom! This is baseball if you haven't noticed!" Thomas sighed and shook his head. He mumbled under his breath, "Mothers . . ."
"I know what this is! It's just an expression. And I'll cheer as much as I want for my children."
"Sing it sister." Jess said sarcastically.
Lane simply gave him another look and went back to watching the game.
There was silence for the next few minutes, except for Lane's cheering, as they watched the other team score two runs. Jess stared down at the small figure sitting happily in his lap. Her jet black hair gleamed and rippled in the sun, he ran his hand through it finding it to be very warm. Looking across the field Jess thought of something he had forced himself to forget throughout the entire afternoon. He was surrounded by children he had loved since the moment they were born, yet none were his.
Would he have been a good father? Would he have loved them? Would they have loved him back? Would he have raised them right? A heavy sigh escaped from his lips causing Melanie to look up at him and grin. He tried to grin back but he couldn't, he just couldn't.
He . . . or she would have been the same age. Maybe she would have danced ballet . . . or he would have played baseball. Maybe the small person in his lap could have been his own.
Maybe instead of a just being a godfather, he could have been a father.
****************************************************
The sun shined through the tree causing certain slants of light to hit the window pane. Each was a radiant broken piece of its own, she traced them with her fingers. Footsteps thundered down the stairs to her left, but she didn't move, she continued to hurt her eyes by staring at the luminous fragments of light.
A voice called out from behind her, "Hey, Ror its time to go." It was Ryan
She pressed her palm against the warm window and stared out at the tree. Its leaves ruffled in the wind, sighing and swaying.
A hand found its way onto her shoulder and squeezed, "You okay?" Ryan asked.
As the leaves shifted in the wind so did the light on the window. Rory watched as it moved across the window pane, swirls of golden sunlight. "Ryan?" She said.
"Yes?" He came to stand next to her.
"Do you think I would have been a good mother?" She asked slowly. A bird swooped down from the sky and landed on her maple tree.
Ryan stared at her bewildered. The question had come from nowhere. Would have been a good mother? "Yes." He said.
Rory finally turned to look at him, here blue eyes were surprisingly dark. "Do you really think so?" She asked imploringly.
He put his hand to her cheek, "Rory, how could you think otherwise?"
She turned away from him, back to the window. She didn't answer him, but stared again at the bird as it ruffled its feathers and twittered a happy tune.
"You will make a great mother." He said firmly. He took her hand, "Come on, we've got to leave for Lorelai's."
Rory nodded, but she still squinted against the bright sunlight to watch the robin in her tree. Suddenly she remembered something that almost made her smile, almost. "Ryan! Hope is the thing with feathers!"
Ryan raised his eyebrows, "What?"
Rory removed her hand from the window, it left its print behind. "Hope is the thing with feathers . . . that perches in the soul." She listened for the birds sweet tuned as it carried through the fall day. "And sings the tune without words . . .and never stops at all." She turned to Ryan. "Emily Dickinson."
He sighed. "You know I hate poetry."
"I know." Rory said, but she shrugged and walked back down the hallway with a lighter step. "Come on, we better go so we're not late."
Ryan rolled his eyes behind her and followed her out the door.
"And sweetest in the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm." Rory made her way to the car recalling the words that she hadn't heard in many years. "That could abash that little bird. . ." The words fell off her tongue like luscious sugar. She rolled them around in her mouth, testing them out and finding them to be just as syrupy sweet as they had been before. " . . .that kept so many warm."
Ryan's eyebrows were still raised, "Where'd you learn that?" He asked.
But Rory simply smiled and let herself into the car. "I've heard it in the chilliest land, and on the strangest sea." She started the engine, she clutched the steering wheel not wanting the poem to end. But it had to. "Yet . . . never in extremity . . . it asked a crumb from me." It seemed that every other thought had been flung from her head, she could only think of this poem and its meaning.
Ryan noticed that she was staring into oblivion again. He shook her shoulder, "Rory! Let's go!"
She blinked her eyes and shook her head, "Oh, right." And she backed out of the driveway.
Ryan settled back in his seat and asked again, "Where did you learn that?" He asked.
From Jess of course, Rory thought. She was silent as she recalled sitting in bed with him as he read from his favorite poetry book. She remembered the way it felt: wrinkled and soft around the edges, the pages smelling of her favorite person. How she had loved that book. "In school." She answered finally, she stared hard at the road in front of her.
"Oh." He said.
His voice came back to her suddenly, reciting honeyed words of poetry to her . . . She was sitting next to him in bed staring into his eyes as he read "My river runs to thee . . .blue sea . . .wilt welcome me?" Rory struggled to remember the rest of the words but she could not. She could only remember that each time they read from that book they had made love afterwards.
She didn't want to think about that with Ryan sitting right next to her. She didn't want to think of Jess reciting beautiful words of poetry while the man next to her hated it. She didn't want to think of him at all.
But she couldn't help thinking that she had screwed up their lives magnificently.
****************************************************
"Why does Rory still use Mariano as her pen name?"
Lane was about to answer when Melanie came running up.
"Thomas says the boogie man has lives under my bed and is coming tonight!" Melanie said while her eyes were popping out of their sockets.
Lane rolled her eyes, "He was just fibbing Mel. There is no boogie man."
Melanie let out a deep sigh, "Oh good, I'll go tell him." She ran away again.
Lane turned to Jess, "She believes anything her siblings tell her."
It was the eighth inning and the other team had called a time out; Thomas, Kimmy and Melanie had retreated to the playground long ago. The sun was still shining across the bases and a light breeze twirled through the air, lifting leaves gone red and shifting the grass.
"Why does Rory still use Mariano as her pen name?" Jess asked again.
Lane sighed, "Because when she started writing for them that's what her name was."
"Oh." Jess said but he was confused, "When did she start writing for them?"
"Two weeks after you separated."
"And she never told me?!" Jess was shocked.
Lane shrugged, "You weren't exactly speaking at that point and she never changed it because readers wouldn't recognize her." She paused, "And I think . . . I think that she almost wanted to keep a part of you close to her." She shrugged.
Jess sat in silence. He couldn't believe that she had never told him.
"I'm surprised you'd never asked me before this." Lane said breaking the silence.
Jess shrugged, "I had never read any of her columns until a week ago."
It was Lane's turn to be surprised, "You didn't?!" Her eyebrows were raised.
"I was too bitter. I didn't want to have anything to do with Rory. Not a thing."
Lane nodded, "I remember."
"I just couldn't understand what happened. Everything had been so wonderful, and then it all fell apart and she never told me why." Jess pulled his pocket out of his pocket once again and stared at it. He felt its soft crinkled edges and frowned at its memory.
"Until now."
"Yeah, until now." He put the book back in his pocket.
The game started up again and neither of them spoke throughout the whole inning. They watched as the other team scored a run and then struck three outs. Minutes later the ninth inning was under way.
Jess finally broke the silence, "I just don't understand it! How could she have done it?"
Lane gave him a disbelieving look, "Christ Jess, how could she have not? I would have done the same thing if I had been in her position. Or at least given it up for adoption, but I guess I'll never know because it happened to Rory not me."
Jess stood up angrily, "Adoption?! Shit Lane, I don't care about the fucking money! It was my child! It doesn't make any sense!!"
Lane looked confused, "Money? What the hell are you talking about? Jess, Rory had an abortion because she didn't even know if it was yours. She didn't find out of course until afterwards that it had been yours." Lane snorted. "Money." She repeated shaking her head.
Jess simply stared at her in shock and said as slowly and as calmly as he could. "What are you talking about?" He couldn't move. Not his? Rory was cheating on him? He could barely say the words, "Rory cheated on me?"
Now Lane stood up angrily, "Jess! How can you say that?! You know this wasn't her fault . . ." She stopped abruptly, her eyebrows furrowed and then she clapped her hand to her mouth. "Oh no, oh no." Her face paled as realization came across it, "Oh no, she didn't tell you everything. . . "
"Yes she did! She told me she had an abortion because we didn't have enough money!" Jess threw his hands in the air and shook his head angrily.
She ran her hands through her hair, "Oh, God. Oh God. I can't believe she did this! Oh Jesus have mercy."
"Are you rambling prayers again? Because it's not really the time."
"Jess!" Lane took him by the arms and shook him, "You need to go to her now!"
"What?"
"Please Jess. I can't believe she did this, I really can't." Lane paused pursing her lips. "She's at Lorelai's tonight! Go to her right now."
"But Lane-"
"You don't understand Jess, Rory didn't have an abortion because of money! She didn't even tell you everything!" Lane said desperately.
Jess swore, "I knew there was something she wasn't telling me!!!"
"I'm sorry but I can't tell you. She needs to tell you, that's the only way she'll ever forgive herself!" Lane looked pained, "Please Jess just go."
Jess stared at her hard, "What didn't she tell me?"
"That's something you need to ask her for yourself!" Lane pushed him towards the parking lot. "Just go damn it."
"Lane, please, what's going on?" Jess asked frustrated.
"She needs to tell you."
"She's at Lorelai's?"
"Yes!"
He jogged to his car hoping and praying that the answer to his questions weren't what he thought them to be.
AN: I realize that baseball is not during the fall but the spring, so sorry about that for anyone who caught it, I didn't even think about it until afterwards. Well, I hope you liked this chapter!! Please review!
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it is me that you own
"What are you going to do?"
The air was completely still, it hung so thick that it felt almost tangible. His mouth was parched from speaking so fast and quickly, he licked his lips in an attempt to moisten them. But they simply became more chapped. He ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know." He said.
Luke stared imploringly back at him and folded his arms over his chest. "Did you leave anything out?" He asked.
Sighing Jess shook his head and said, "Not a thing."
They were in the storage room at the diner. Jess thought it could really do with some windows. There was sweat running down his back, and his heart was racing. It felt like he couldn't get enough air. Or maybe it was just because he had finally spoken of it aloud.
Luke furrowed his eyebrows and said, "Maybe it's just me, but it sounds like something is missing."
Jess tipped his head up and looked at the ceiling, "Thank you! I thought I was going crazy." He rubbed his forehead. "I thought the same after I really considered the whole thing. I mean, Rory just wouldn't do something like that . . .would she?"
Luke shook his head, "No. She wouldn't have done that even if you had been living in a box on the side of the road."
"Exactly!" Jess said frustrated. "I don't get it!" He leaned against the shelf behind him. He felt the wood jutting hard into his back, but it didn't bother him. He could barely feel it. Sighing he said, "What do you think that I should do?"
Luke stuffed his hands into his pockets and leaned back on his heels. There was a moments silence where Luke thought this over in a slow, deliberate way. Finally he answered, "I don't think I should really answer that question. This is your life, not mine."
"I knew you were going to say that." Jess said almost rolling his eye. "If you could just give me some advice Luke . . .I really just don't know what to do." He dropped his head and stared at the ground.
"Well, have you forgiven her?"
"I could never hold anything against her. I forgave her a long time ago."
Luke nodded understandingly. "I think maybe you should talk to her."
Horrible images started to run through Jess's mind. The real reasons Rory had an abortion, reasons that he didn't want to know or hear put into words. Imagining them didn't make it real. He didn't want them to be real. "I. . .I don't know if I want the truth." He said slowly, he looked away from Luke ashamed.
"For Peat's sake, why wouldn't . . ." But Luke trailed off as if he understood what Jess was thinking. He paused to stuff his hands into his pockets. "You're scared of the truth."
"More than anything." He waved a hand in the air, "Luke, if the abortion wasn't the whole truth, then what is? What could possibly be worse then what she has already told me? I just don't know if I want to hear it. It's bad enough already."
"Yeah, but you can't wonder about it for the rest of your life. You've been doing that for the past three years."
Jess nodded, "I know that." He said. "I just need some time."
"Then take some time. But just don't take three years, okay?" Luke put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't kill your self like that again."
Jess looked him in the eye, "I'm not about to do that again."
Nodding Luke gave his shoulder a small fatherly squeeze and then jerked his head to the doorway. "C'mon." He said, "You can help me out with the dinner crowd."
"What makes you think I'm gunna do that?" Jess asked and smirked.
Luke walked out of the storage room, "It'll take your mind off of her." He called back, and then he was gone.
Maybe it would take his mind off of her. Nothing else had, but it was worth a try.
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"Kimmy! Stop that!" Lane scolded her oldest daughter as she jumped into the nearest mud puddle spraying everyone with small flecks of brown goo.
Kimmy smiled toothily and sprinted away toward the play ground.
"Keep an eye on her." Lane said warningly to Thomas who was standing next to her.
"Okay Mom." And with that Thomas sprinted away too calling after Kimmy to wait up.
Lane sighed and looked around her, searching for Melanie. It was Friday and they were at James' baseball game, it had been a very stressful week and all she wanted to do was go home. "Hey Mel! Where are you?" Lane called out.
A giggle came from behind her, "I'm right here Mommy!" And out popped Melanie from the back of a car.
Lane held out her hand, "Come on babe. Let's go."
"I hate baseball." Melanie said as she put her small hand in Lane's.
The backpack on Lane's back was digging into her shoulder, she readjusted it. "I know Mel, but this is your brothers game. Besides Uncle Jess is going to be here."
A pair of wide eyes stared up at her. "Really?"
Lane smiled, "Yeah hon. I told you that this morning remember?" God this backpack was uncomfortable. Lane shrugged her shoulders up and down, trying to find a comfortable position. In her right hand was Melanie, in the left were two lawn chairs. She loved to watch her son play baseball, but Christ, was it a pain to get there.
Melanie squinted against the bright sun, staring down at the field which was littered with small boys throwing baseballs and parents edged out around it. She pointed, "Look there he is!" She squealed and began to run down the slope that led to the field shouting, "Uncle Jess! Uncle Jess!"
Her bright pink dress billowed behind her in the wind like a balloon. She was almost to Jess when she tripped up a bit and fell to her knees, but she was on her feet again quickly yelling, "Hello!"
Jess was grinning as he swooped her up into his arms and twirled her around. "How's it going Mellie?" He asked as he held her in his arms.
She linked her hands around his neck, "Good. I'm taking ballet now! Did Aunt Rory tell you?"
Jess' grin faltered a little, but he quickly said. "No, but your Mom did."
A big smile appeared on her face. "At the end of the year, we're going to have a . . .a. . ." She furrowed her eyebrows thinking hard.
"A recital." Lane finished for her. She had just caught up with them. She dropped the backpack and chairs to the ground in relief.
Melanie nodded enthusiastically, "Yeah a rital! Will you come?" She asked Jess staring at him carefully with large eyes.
"You know it!" Exclaimed Jess.
Lane stared at Jess thoughtfully, "How are you doing?" She asked softly.
"As well as to be expected." He said and then changed the subject, "Where is everybody?" He looked around for the rest of the kids.
"Mathew and James are out on the field practicing, they always get here before us." Lane leaned over to unfold the chairs. "Kimmy and Thomas are already at the playground."
At that moment a certain blonde haired boy came scurrying over, a streak of dirt ran across his face. "Uncle Jess!" He cried, grinning eagerly. "You came!"
Jess lowered Melanie to the ground who had begun to squirm. "I said I would didn't I?" He asked and ruffled James' hair.
James punched his hand into his mitt, "We're gunna beat their butts so bad! They're not gunna know what hit them!" He scowled and tried to put on a mean look. But it didn't really work on such a sweet face.
"Oh yeah, and who told you that?" Lane asked already knowing the answer.
"Dad did!" James cried. And then he looked around, searching for someone. "Where's Aunt Rory?" He asked.
Noticing that Jess had flinched Lane quickly replied, "She couldn't come, remember? I told you that hon."
"Ohhh." He said understandingly. Then he looked at Jess with a confused expression, "But you're here." He said fervently.
"I don't see much of your Aunt Rory anymore." Jess said. Why did her name always come up when he was around these kids?
Lane put her hands on her hips. "James Patrick we've talked about this too many times now! Aunt Rory and Uncle Jess are not together anymore!"
"Oh yeah!" James laughed at his forgetfulness. "You told me that last night. Well," he said punching into his mitt again, "I have to go work my stuff." Ands with that he ran off not knowing the damage he had caused in one innocent question.
The breeze filtered through Lane's hair. She bit her lip and looked at Jess, "Sorry about that." She said concerned. "They always just put you two together . . .I've tried so many times to explain it to them. It's mostly just Mel and James-"
Jess cut her off, "It's okay Lane. I know it's hard for them to understand." He sat down on the other chair, "Don't worry about it."
Lane looked relieved. "So are you're sure you're doing all right?"
Jess shrugged, "I'll be okay. But I'd rather not talk about it just yet."
"Okay." Lane said easily.
A moment later the umpire blew his whistle and the game began. Kimmy, Thomas and Melanie came running over from the playground to watch their brother play third base. Melanie sat herself on Jess's lap, wiggling around and making a disturbance as she pleased.
"What's that?" She asked pointing at the book bulging in Jess's pocket.
He pulled it out and showed it to her. He said, "The book I'm reading right now."
"Oh." Melanie took the book and squinted at it. "Is it good?"
"Yeah." He said.
"What's it says?" She asked holding it up in front of him.
"It's called 'There's a certain slant of light'."
She wrinkled her forehead, "What's that mean?"
There was a crack of a bat hitting a baseball and then the scream of Lane beside him. She had jumped out of her seat and was yelling her head off. "Go James!!! Yeah!!! Awesome throw buddy." She pumped her fists into the air and stamped her feet. "You show them who's got the right stuff!"
Jess raised his eyebrows, "Got the right stuff?" He whispered to the kids.
Thomas rolled his eye. "And she's only just started. I HATE it when she does this at my soccer games."
"And my hockey." Kimmy said folding her arms.
Grinning Jess leaned back in his chair. "Hope she doesn't do that at your recital." He said to Melanie.
Melanie shook her head eagerly, "Nuh-ut. Not at MY rital."
Lane plopped back down I her chair and Jess gave her a look. "What?" She said shrugging. "So I get a little over excited!"
"A little? Mom you're wacko!" Kimmy said exasperated.
"You can say that again." Piped Thomas.
Jess chuckled, "Yeah really. I never thought I would see you get this excited at a sports event Kim."
Lane narrowed her eyes and said grumpily, "So what if I'm a soccer mom?! I'm proud of it!"
"Mom! This is baseball if you haven't noticed!" Thomas sighed and shook his head. He mumbled under his breath, "Mothers . . ."
"I know what this is! It's just an expression. And I'll cheer as much as I want for my children."
"Sing it sister." Jess said sarcastically.
Lane simply gave him another look and went back to watching the game.
There was silence for the next few minutes, except for Lane's cheering, as they watched the other team score two runs. Jess stared down at the small figure sitting happily in his lap. Her jet black hair gleamed and rippled in the sun, he ran his hand through it finding it to be very warm. Looking across the field Jess thought of something he had forced himself to forget throughout the entire afternoon. He was surrounded by children he had loved since the moment they were born, yet none were his.
Would he have been a good father? Would he have loved them? Would they have loved him back? Would he have raised them right? A heavy sigh escaped from his lips causing Melanie to look up at him and grin. He tried to grin back but he couldn't, he just couldn't.
He . . . or she would have been the same age. Maybe she would have danced ballet . . . or he would have played baseball. Maybe the small person in his lap could have been his own.
Maybe instead of a just being a godfather, he could have been a father.
****************************************************
The sun shined through the tree causing certain slants of light to hit the window pane. Each was a radiant broken piece of its own, she traced them with her fingers. Footsteps thundered down the stairs to her left, but she didn't move, she continued to hurt her eyes by staring at the luminous fragments of light.
A voice called out from behind her, "Hey, Ror its time to go." It was Ryan
She pressed her palm against the warm window and stared out at the tree. Its leaves ruffled in the wind, sighing and swaying.
A hand found its way onto her shoulder and squeezed, "You okay?" Ryan asked.
As the leaves shifted in the wind so did the light on the window. Rory watched as it moved across the window pane, swirls of golden sunlight. "Ryan?" She said.
"Yes?" He came to stand next to her.
"Do you think I would have been a good mother?" She asked slowly. A bird swooped down from the sky and landed on her maple tree.
Ryan stared at her bewildered. The question had come from nowhere. Would have been a good mother? "Yes." He said.
Rory finally turned to look at him, here blue eyes were surprisingly dark. "Do you really think so?" She asked imploringly.
He put his hand to her cheek, "Rory, how could you think otherwise?"
She turned away from him, back to the window. She didn't answer him, but stared again at the bird as it ruffled its feathers and twittered a happy tune.
"You will make a great mother." He said firmly. He took her hand, "Come on, we've got to leave for Lorelai's."
Rory nodded, but she still squinted against the bright sunlight to watch the robin in her tree. Suddenly she remembered something that almost made her smile, almost. "Ryan! Hope is the thing with feathers!"
Ryan raised his eyebrows, "What?"
Rory removed her hand from the window, it left its print behind. "Hope is the thing with feathers . . . that perches in the soul." She listened for the birds sweet tuned as it carried through the fall day. "And sings the tune without words . . .and never stops at all." She turned to Ryan. "Emily Dickinson."
He sighed. "You know I hate poetry."
"I know." Rory said, but she shrugged and walked back down the hallway with a lighter step. "Come on, we better go so we're not late."
Ryan rolled his eyes behind her and followed her out the door.
"And sweetest in the gale is heard; and sore must be the storm." Rory made her way to the car recalling the words that she hadn't heard in many years. "That could abash that little bird. . ." The words fell off her tongue like luscious sugar. She rolled them around in her mouth, testing them out and finding them to be just as syrupy sweet as they had been before. " . . .that kept so many warm."
Ryan's eyebrows were still raised, "Where'd you learn that?" He asked.
But Rory simply smiled and let herself into the car. "I've heard it in the chilliest land, and on the strangest sea." She started the engine, she clutched the steering wheel not wanting the poem to end. But it had to. "Yet . . . never in extremity . . . it asked a crumb from me." It seemed that every other thought had been flung from her head, she could only think of this poem and its meaning.
Ryan noticed that she was staring into oblivion again. He shook her shoulder, "Rory! Let's go!"
She blinked her eyes and shook her head, "Oh, right." And she backed out of the driveway.
Ryan settled back in his seat and asked again, "Where did you learn that?" He asked.
From Jess of course, Rory thought. She was silent as she recalled sitting in bed with him as he read from his favorite poetry book. She remembered the way it felt: wrinkled and soft around the edges, the pages smelling of her favorite person. How she had loved that book. "In school." She answered finally, she stared hard at the road in front of her.
"Oh." He said.
His voice came back to her suddenly, reciting honeyed words of poetry to her . . . She was sitting next to him in bed staring into his eyes as he read "My river runs to thee . . .blue sea . . .wilt welcome me?" Rory struggled to remember the rest of the words but she could not. She could only remember that each time they read from that book they had made love afterwards.
She didn't want to think about that with Ryan sitting right next to her. She didn't want to think of Jess reciting beautiful words of poetry while the man next to her hated it. She didn't want to think of him at all.
But she couldn't help thinking that she had screwed up their lives magnificently.
****************************************************
"Why does Rory still use Mariano as her pen name?"
Lane was about to answer when Melanie came running up.
"Thomas says the boogie man has lives under my bed and is coming tonight!" Melanie said while her eyes were popping out of their sockets.
Lane rolled her eyes, "He was just fibbing Mel. There is no boogie man."
Melanie let out a deep sigh, "Oh good, I'll go tell him." She ran away again.
Lane turned to Jess, "She believes anything her siblings tell her."
It was the eighth inning and the other team had called a time out; Thomas, Kimmy and Melanie had retreated to the playground long ago. The sun was still shining across the bases and a light breeze twirled through the air, lifting leaves gone red and shifting the grass.
"Why does Rory still use Mariano as her pen name?" Jess asked again.
Lane sighed, "Because when she started writing for them that's what her name was."
"Oh." Jess said but he was confused, "When did she start writing for them?"
"Two weeks after you separated."
"And she never told me?!" Jess was shocked.
Lane shrugged, "You weren't exactly speaking at that point and she never changed it because readers wouldn't recognize her." She paused, "And I think . . . I think that she almost wanted to keep a part of you close to her." She shrugged.
Jess sat in silence. He couldn't believe that she had never told him.
"I'm surprised you'd never asked me before this." Lane said breaking the silence.
Jess shrugged, "I had never read any of her columns until a week ago."
It was Lane's turn to be surprised, "You didn't?!" Her eyebrows were raised.
"I was too bitter. I didn't want to have anything to do with Rory. Not a thing."
Lane nodded, "I remember."
"I just couldn't understand what happened. Everything had been so wonderful, and then it all fell apart and she never told me why." Jess pulled his pocket out of his pocket once again and stared at it. He felt its soft crinkled edges and frowned at its memory.
"Until now."
"Yeah, until now." He put the book back in his pocket.
The game started up again and neither of them spoke throughout the whole inning. They watched as the other team scored a run and then struck three outs. Minutes later the ninth inning was under way.
Jess finally broke the silence, "I just don't understand it! How could she have done it?"
Lane gave him a disbelieving look, "Christ Jess, how could she have not? I would have done the same thing if I had been in her position. Or at least given it up for adoption, but I guess I'll never know because it happened to Rory not me."
Jess stood up angrily, "Adoption?! Shit Lane, I don't care about the fucking money! It was my child! It doesn't make any sense!!"
Lane looked confused, "Money? What the hell are you talking about? Jess, Rory had an abortion because she didn't even know if it was yours. She didn't find out of course until afterwards that it had been yours." Lane snorted. "Money." She repeated shaking her head.
Jess simply stared at her in shock and said as slowly and as calmly as he could. "What are you talking about?" He couldn't move. Not his? Rory was cheating on him? He could barely say the words, "Rory cheated on me?"
Now Lane stood up angrily, "Jess! How can you say that?! You know this wasn't her fault . . ." She stopped abruptly, her eyebrows furrowed and then she clapped her hand to her mouth. "Oh no, oh no." Her face paled as realization came across it, "Oh no, she didn't tell you everything. . . "
"Yes she did! She told me she had an abortion because we didn't have enough money!" Jess threw his hands in the air and shook his head angrily.
She ran her hands through her hair, "Oh, God. Oh God. I can't believe she did this! Oh Jesus have mercy."
"Are you rambling prayers again? Because it's not really the time."
"Jess!" Lane took him by the arms and shook him, "You need to go to her now!"
"What?"
"Please Jess. I can't believe she did this, I really can't." Lane paused pursing her lips. "She's at Lorelai's tonight! Go to her right now."
"But Lane-"
"You don't understand Jess, Rory didn't have an abortion because of money! She didn't even tell you everything!" Lane said desperately.
Jess swore, "I knew there was something she wasn't telling me!!!"
"I'm sorry but I can't tell you. She needs to tell you, that's the only way she'll ever forgive herself!" Lane looked pained, "Please Jess just go."
Jess stared at her hard, "What didn't she tell me?"
"That's something you need to ask her for yourself!" Lane pushed him towards the parking lot. "Just go damn it."
"Lane, please, what's going on?" Jess asked frustrated.
"She needs to tell you."
"She's at Lorelai's?"
"Yes!"
He jogged to his car hoping and praying that the answer to his questions weren't what he thought them to be.
AN: I realize that baseball is not during the fall but the spring, so sorry about that for anyone who caught it, I didn't even think about it until afterwards. Well, I hope you liked this chapter!! Please review!
