AN: First I would like to thank everyone again for their reviews. When I
don't feel like writing all I have to do is read those reviews and they
make me want to write chapters and chapters. They have been so wonderful!
I would especially like to thank certain people who have given me the most awesome reviews, better then I could have ever imagined. ** To lauramariano- for all of your incredible suggestions and reviews, you have helped me along with this lit so much that it probably wouldn't have been half as good without your help. Thank you!!! ** To Genevah- for all the marvelous reviews you have given me, it kind of inflated my ego at one point, but it felt really great! So thanks! **To Evilemmy- I was laughing my ass off over your review!!! As much as I hate Ryan, I unfortunately cannot have him torn apart by a pack of dogs, but it's a nice thought. And thanks so much for all the awesome compliments!! ** To Nanny and all of her "muppet babies"- your reviews were really LONG but really great!! Thanks!! ****And to all of my other reviewers, thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~Kay~
.
can't you see
The silence was so pronounced that the sound of the gravel beneath their feet echoed off the trees surrounding them. They had walked all the way to the park without saying a word to each other. So many times had Jess opened his mouth to speak and then quickly shut it. He was petrified to ask her. She wasn't even sure if it had been his? But in the end it had been? Had she really cheated on him? Did he really want these questions answered? Not really, but he knew he needed them.
With the bridge in sight, their old meeting ground, Jess finally drew a breath. "How could you think that I would have so little faith in you?"
Rory almost stopped walking, his sudden question broke the silence that she was hoping would never end. She stammered with her answer, "I-I don't know. . .what you mean."
Jess reached into his coat pocket and drew out his cigarettes once again. "Yes you do."
Rory watched as he lit one and took a drag. She almost wished that she could too, she needed a stress reliever. "You're smoking again." She stated.
He raised his eyebrows, "I started last Sunday." He said, meaning the day after she broke the news to him. "And don't change the subject."
They had reached the bridge, and Rory stared across the dark pond, there was no moon tonight. "I don't think that."
The smoke curled from under his nose and disappeared into the darkness above. "Yes you do."
"Jess, I don't understand." Rory faltered, she couldn't think of anything else to say.
"Don't play games with me Rory." He waved his cigarette in the air, the red glow of its tip drawing in the darkness. "Lane told me what you so conveniently forgot to say."
It felt as though someone had dumped a bucket of ice cold water over her head. The blood in her veins turned cold, how could she possibly move? Her very best friend had betrayed her? The only real connection left that she had in this world had broken her vow? Her hand flew to her chest to make sure her heart was still beating, her throat closed and it became hard to breathe. It felt like hours before she made a strangled sound and finally brought the oxygen back to her lungs. When she finally found her voice she said, "She-she told you every. . .everything?" Her knees had turned to jelly, she was going to collapse any second now.
Jess turned to her and stared, "Rory, you would never give up our child even if we were living in the streets. Don't lie to me." He looked out towards the pond, "I could always tell, but that was when you loved me." He paused and flicked his already finished cigarette into the murky water, "I can't tell anymore, so I would appreciate it if you wouldn't."
Rory didn't answer, she needed to sit. Vaguely she could hear a cricket chirping behind her, and a firefly danced freely by her side, but this beauty was lost to her in the deafening sound of Jess' cruel voice. "All I want is the full explanation." Jess said.
Slowly she lowered herself to the ground and tried to take control of her emotions. Her hands shook against the soft, weathered wood below her. She brought her knees to her chest and laid her head on them; curled up in a ball she stared at Jess's pants. He used to wear those to work a lot, saying that they had large pockets for books, Rory remembered vaguely.
Jess sighed and stared down at her. She looked so childlike and innocent. If anyone saw her they would never believe that she had reeked havoc on his life. "Rory, please." He tried again, he couldn't keep the frustration out of his voice.
"I never meant for it to happen." She said softly. She squeezed her eyes shut trying to push back the images. "It just did."
Jess's throat constricted, he wanted to sob. Right there in front of her. She had cheated on him. How? How could she? He pushed the heels of his hands against his eyes trying to push back the tears. "Who?" He forced his voice to say.
Rory opened her eyes once again and a tear fell down her cheek, "I don't know."
Jess jerked his head toward her. "So what was it? A one night stand?"
She let out a bitter laugh, that didn't sound like a laugh at all. "I guess you could say that. It was to him anyway." She hugged herself tighter. "It's been an entire lifetime for me."
His shaking hands tried fervently to light another cigarette, but he couldn't even manage the package. "How could you?"
"I didn't mean to." She said softly. "I didn't want to. . . I didn't mean to. I really didn't."
He finally managed to pull a cigarette out, he brought it to his lips only to realize it wasn't even lit yet. "How could you do this to me?" Jess said so bitterly he surprised even himself. "I would have given you everything."
Her face had turned a pale white, it contradicted the dark night heavily. "You already had."
Jess snorted, "I guess I never was enough for you." He shook his head and made a fist around the cigarette causing it to fall apart in his hand. There was a moments silence before he said once again, "How could you?" He opened his hand to find the remains of the cigarette splayed out across it.
Pressing her eyes into her shaking knees, she whispered in a very weak, strangled voice, "I didn't mean to get raped."
The package of cigarettes fell into the pond and was swallowed by the star reflected water. His hands stilled, "What?"
"I didn't mean it, I didn't, I didn't." Rory gasped trying hard to draw breath. "I tired to stop him. But he was all hands and-and legs. I didn't mean it. I tried to stop him. I tried." She began to sob into her knees. "Please forgive me."
Instinctively Jess drew away from her, his eyes- his face- his entire body filled with horror. He was afraid to touch her, he wanted to separate himself from her with anything he could. He took another step backward, putting more space between them. Raped? He knew now that he could never look at her the same way no matter how much he tried. He averted his eyes from her shaking form, he couldn't look at her at all.
"Please don't hate me." She was whispering now, her hands clutched tightly around her legs. She began to sob so vigorously that it scared Jess for a moment. For a moment he wanted to turn and ran as fast as he could just to get away. He wanted to be anywhere but here.
Her wrenching sobs were so loud in his ears, drumming into his head, they finally brought him back to reality. "Rory." He choked. His gaze returned to her. How could he be frightened of her? No, not Rory. Not his Rory. She was his world, he would never . . . could never . . . run from her. Only to her.
"I didn't want him. I swear I didn't." She rocked herself back in forth. "Please . . .believe me."
Jess found that he could finally move again and slowly lowered himself down to her side, "Rory, Rory." He brought her struggling mass to him and lifted her head from between her knees. "Rory, oh God." He cradled her head between his hands, her eyes were squeezed shut, and she wouldn't look at him. "I didn't know. Please look at me." He felt a tear falling down his own cheek as he tried desperately to wipe them away from hers. "Rory look at me." He said in a strangled but firm voice, and she finally looked up.
Her blue eyes were so bright in the darkness, they looked like a pair of stars staring into his soul. "I'm so sorry Jess. I never meant for it to happen." She shook her head, drawing in quick short breaths. "I didn't, I really didn't."
His thumbs ran over the side of her cheeks clearing away more tears. "Rory listen to me, it wasn't your fault okay?" His eyes stared straight into her, searching. "It was never your fault." Jess felt a great wave of regret fall over him, where had he been? Why hadn't he protected her? Where had he BEEN?
Rory slowly nodded her head in his hands. "I . . .didn't," more tears, "know how . . . to tell you."
"I know. I know sweetheart." He kissed her forehead and drew her tightly into his embrace. "I know."
Her hands grasped wildly at his jacket, struggling to find something real. She cried into his neck, "I was so scared."
"I know, I know." Jess's shock was slowly turning into a burning anger. Who did this to her? Who did this to the one person in the world he loved more than anyone or anything else? Who fucking did this? Jess always thought he knew what it meant to hate, but he never had before now. He never thought he could feel this much hatred toward someone he had never even met. He wanted to kill this man for doing this to Rory, making her into this small, crumpled woman in his arms. But for now he simply held her tight.
Minutes later . . . or was it hours? . . . they still held each other in the same position. Her sobs had reduced to tears running down her cheeks and onto Jess's chest only every few minutes. Her arms were entangles around his neck hanging on her dear life, and her head was still cradled into his shoulder. She finally broke the silence to say, "I'm sorry I never told you . . .I should have."
Jess ran his hand over her hair and soothed her, "It's in the past and there's nothing we can do." Jess sighed, going over all of his on 'if onlys' in his mind. And then he asked a question that had been nagging at his conscious since Rory had confessed, "Rory, where was I during all of this?" He said softly.
The answer came quickly as if it had been thought over too many times, "You were in Toronto, on that field trip with your students."
Jess's hands clenched and for the first time in his life he regretted becoming a teacher. "I should have been there." He couldn't stop himself from saying.
She pulled away, "Don't do that." She offered a very small forced smile. "Like you said, there's nothing we can do to change the past."
Staring at her for a moment Jess finally realized the timing of his trip. "You had your breakdown a month later." He said shocked.
Rory looked out beyond Jess in another place now, recalling the time when life hadn't seemed worth living. "It was three weeks after the abortion." She continued to stare out in the world behind him, lost in a place where he could not go. She had reached the very bottom of her soul where all of her deepest secrets crawled and festered. "It was then I found out it had been yours, not his."
He reached out and touched her cheek, it was free of tears but ice cold. "It doesn't matter now."
"I had just received a phone call from the abortion clinic, the doctors had made a mistake in pin pointing the time of my conception." She unconsciously leaned her head into Jess's hand and tried to hide herself from something she could not run from.
*Flashback*
Rory was smiling for the first time in four weeks. And you know what? It felt really good. She had just gotten back from an interview with a possible new employer. Who knew? A month from now she could be a writer for a column! Her! A writer! Her grin widened. Life was looking up finally.
The past month had been hell, absolute hell. She and Jess had drifted further apart then she had ever imagined possible. But all of a sudden her feelings for her husband came flying back to her. All of a sudden she yearned for him like she hadn't since before that one terrible night. She couldn't wait to tell him her exciting news.
She reached her small working station where she was a grammatical editor (whoop dido). She bit her lip to stop herself from jumping for joy. She was happy. She hadn't felt this way in so long that she thought she would surely burst. Jess! She had to tell Jess. She reached for the phone but it rang back at her.
Rory was startled for a moment, but she recovered and picked it up. "Hello?"
"Hi, is this Rory Mariano speaking?" A crisp voice said through the receiver.
"Yes it is." Rory answered.
"I'm Kathy calling from the Jackson Abortion Clinic in New York."
Rory's happy thoughts slowly began to disappear. She thought she was done with them. "Is something wrong?" She asked timidly.
"Well, no not really. I'm just making a policy call to let you know the doctor made a mistake, or the computer actually, when identifying the date of your conception."
The phone almost slipped from Rory's hand, "Ex-excuse me? A mistake?" Rory could here Kathy chomping her gum in the background.
"Yes, ma'am. But don't worry, it was only by a couple days. September 13 to be exact. We have to call when the computers make mistakes like this. I am sorry for the inconvenience." It sounded as though she was speaking from a book.
Rory felt her hand begin to shake, "Are . . . you sure?"
"One hundred percent sure. Dr. Flanigan double checked when he found out. No mistake this time."
Her heart was racing, her breath was coming in small gasps. She vaguely heard Kathy through the line asking her if she was alright. Everything was closing in around her, she couldn't concentrate. She had killed their child? She had killed their child. She slowly replaced the phone in its cradle. She sat back in her chair and stared into space. That's when her body began convulsing and she vomited all over her office area.
*Present*
"I don't remember anything after that." Rory said still leaning into his hand. "I woke up in the hospital with you asleep beside me, you were in the most uncomfortable position just to be as close to me as possible." Rory shook her head sadly, "You were the perfect husband and I had killed our child."
Jess in turn shook his head angrily and waved his hand impatiently. "It was NOT your fault Rory!" He said. "That God damn clinic screwed up. You could have sued them for what they did."
Sighing she picked at dried mud on the bottom of her jeans. "They didn't even realize what they had done, or there would have been major problems."
Furrowing his eyebrows Jess said, "What do you mean?"
"I didn't tell them I had been raped, Jess." She gazed up at him. "I told them the same I told you, I was having an abortion due to money. When I found out I was pregnant I went to the doctor with Lane and he made an approximation that I had become pregnant the week it happened, but he couldn't pin point it. So we went to the clinic and they told me it happened the day I was raped. I knew it was wrong to have one, but I couldn't live with it growing inside of me. Lane helped me make the decision."
"Lane knows everything?"
"Yes, I really don't know what would have happened without Lane." Rory ran a quivering hand through her hair. She grimaced, "Did Lane really tell you about everything?"
"No. She just realized that you hadn't told me everything." Jess sighed and raised his eyebrows, "I kinda filled in the blanks the wrong way, I thought you had cheated on me." Jess squeezed his eyes shut and raised his head to the night. "Why didn't you TELL me?" He asked. He was trying so hard not to be upset or angry, but he couldn't help it. How could she ever keep that from him?
"I know I should have." She felt ten times better knowing that Lane hadn't betrayed her, but she had been dreading this question. How could he possibly understand? She couldn't even understand herself. "I couldn't tell you Jess. I just couldn't. I tried so many times, but I thought . . ." She trailed off and looked away.
Jess leaned forward, "What did you think Rory?"
She bit her lip, "I know it sounds stupid. But. . . but I thought you would stop loving me." She shuddered. "I couldn't stand myself, I could barely look in the mirror anymore. I just felt so. . .so dirty." She looked back at him, "I know now that I was wrong."
"I could never stop loving you Rory." He simply stated. He needed to keep his emotions in tact, he needed to for her.
"I know that now."
There silence for a moment when only the soft chirping of a cricket could be heard.
"You didn't go to the police?" He asked taking her hand in his and rubbing the warmth back into it.
"No."
"How did it happen?" Jess linked their hands. "Can you tell me?"
"Yes." There was a pause where Rory tried to collect her thoughts into an organized manner. But everything seemed so jumbled and out of place. The man beside her was the only thing that kept her linked with reality. She finally found her next thought process, "I was in the Bronx on 13th street."
Jess frowned, "What were you doing there?" He asked. "We lived in Manhattan then. And that's a really bad part of town . . ." He trailed off.
"I don't remember why . . ." Rory searched her memory, and then said, "I was going to that coffee shop where they sold the cinnamon buns I loved. That seems so trivial now." Again Rory stopped, lost in thought. If only she hated sweets. "I took a back alley as a short cut and he just jumped out from behind me. I didn't even have time to react, it all happened so fast." She spoke quickly as though she just wanted it all out. She broke the damn that had been clutching the inner most depths of her soul for far too long.
"I tried to stop him but he covered my mouth with a cloth or something and I kind of blacked out after that, I think he had put some kind of date rape chemical on there to make me pass out. Well, I just almost did." Rory brought her hand up to her brow and covered her eyes. She wished they would go away, she wished she could forget. "I came to at one point and tried to fight back, but he hit me and I lost consciousness again. Mostly I remember images . . . his face . . . his rough hands ripping my favorite skirt, and then the jacket you had bought me. The leather one." She still had that jacket at a bottom of a box in the back of her closet. It was torn and stained with grime, but she still had it. She didn't even know why.
"When he left me there I couldn't move for the longest time. All I could think of was you. Our first kiss and my runaway, out first apartment together, our wedding day, our everything." She stopped there and drew herself once again into a ball of knees and arms. "He had stolen my purse, so when I finally got up I had to find a pay phone. I tried calling home so many times and I couldn't understand why you wouldn't pick up." She let out a dry sob.
He placed a hand on her shoulder, "I'm here now." He said.
"I finally remembered that you were gone and I called Lane. I didn't have any money for a cab, and I refused to call the police so she came and picked me up. Drove a whole three hours from Hartford to pick me up."
"Why wouldn't you call the police?"
Rory sniffled and said, "I didn't want to tell anyone. I felt so used and disgusting. He was all over me and I couldn't stand it. I just wanted to be clean again . . . I didn't want anyone to see me like that. I know it sounds crazy, but I thought . . . I thought that it was my fault somehow. That I made him want to rape me." Rory shivered, disgusted with herself. "Sometimes . . . I try not to . . . but sometimes I still feel that way."
"It wasn't your fault." He said firmly trying so hard to keep the anger out of his voice. She should have gone to the police!
"I waited for Lane in the bathroom of a store. Nobody ever even came in. I waited there for three hours, went home with Lane and stayed for the weekend."
Jess nodded, "I remember coming home to an empty apartment." He looked at her questionaly. "You had a bruise."
Rory touched her left cheek softly. "I told you I had fallen, he had punched me when I had come back into consciousness and started struggling. It hurt for weeks . . . a constant reminder."
"Was there anything else?" He asked not even sure if he wanted to run. His fists were balled so tight that he flinched as his nails dug fiercely into his skin.
"Only on my back." Rory looked away from him, the silence filling what she didn't want to say. "And that pretty much sums it up." She said flatly, her hands were still trembling. She slowly entangled her legs and stretched them before her. She laid the palm of her hands flat against her jeans. They wouldn't stop shaking. She wanted them to stop shaking.
"But what happened to us Rory?" His voice quivered. He turned to look at her, caressing her with his stare.
"Jess it was never you, that much you must believe." Rory said desperately turning back to him. "When I came back home from the hospital after the breakdown, I couldn't even look at you. The guilt just swallowed me whole. Every time we kissed, every time we touched, every time you spoke I thought about what I had done and I couldn't take it."
Frustrated Jess said, "But it wasn't your fault!"
"I know that!" Rory said fiercely, and then her look softened. "But I didn't think that then, and I'm sorry."
"Just finish." Jess sighed putting his head in his free hand.
"By the end of October I just couldn't take it anymore. I was ruining my own life and yours. It hurt so bad to know what I was doing to you. I saw the way you looked at me when you didn't think I knew." Rory slowly raised her head to him, her eyes blood shot from so many tears. "You had this look of such sorrow and- and loneliness, I-I can't even describe it. All the life had gone from your eyes. I couldn't look at you Jess. I just couldn't! I knew I was the cause of it, and I couldn't believe what I had done to you! ME! I had ruined your life . . . it was too much. I couldn't cause you more pain then I had already inflicted."
"I never would have looked that way if you had only told me." Jess said quietly but with a hint of very cold bitterness. He was like a wave, up and down, up and down. One moment he was full of love and compassion towards this battered woman beside him, and then the next moment he couldn't stand her for ruining their lives. Oh! If she had only told him!
A small chill ran over her body as she felt his coldness wash over her. "I know." Her mouth was so dry, so much talking. Too much, her mind felt pinched, too much was happening at once. Oh! If only she had told him! Rory drew a small breath and continued, "The guilt just got worse and worse, that's when I decided to do something. I asked you for a divorce. And I knew, as shameful as it was, the only way for you to agree was to tell you that I didn't love you."
Jess looked back up at her, his eyes questioning and hopeful. The inky cold black that had been there seconds before slowly disappeared into the depths of his chocolate eyes.
She stared back at him, her blue eyes wide with truth.
"I never stopped loving you Jess. I want you to know that. I asked for the divorce because I loved you." Rory's eyes never left his as Jess took both of her hands in his.
Jess stared into her endless blue eyes. He felt happiness surge through him. She had never stopped loving him. She had never stopped loving him! His whole body was alive with euphoria. He wanted to tell her he still loved her, he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. He always had. He wanted to tell her that he had never stopped loving her either. He wanted to tell her a million things.
He rubbed her hands in his and was about to speak when his finger touched something sharp. He looked down to see her engagement ring staring back at him.
Rory looked down also to see what he was glaring at. Was that her heart dropping?
They both continued to stare at it. The hope of Rory's future, and the devastation of his.
He finally spoke, "Why?" He asked simply.
Was he asking about her engagement or why she asked for a divorce? She went with the latter. "If we had stayed together Jess things would have just gotten worse for me. I would have made you're life even more miserable. I didn't want to do that, I didn't want to be that cause of your misery. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To tell you I didn't love you." Rory looked away, into the darkness of the night feeling as though it was swallowing her whole. "I did it because I loved you so much, I couldn't go on making you miserable. I just couldn't."
He broke away from her and leaned his elbows against his knees, he ran his hands through his hair. "You have no idea what this means to me." In spite of himself tears trickled down his face. He pressed his hand over his eyes trying to force them back.
Rory watched Jess's figure slightly shaking, she'd never seen him this vulnerable before. She slid her arms around him and placed her head on his back. Holding him. "I know I hurt you . . . and I'm so sorry." She pressed her face into his back. "I never wanted to hurt you Jess. You were my life. My entire life."
They stayed in that position until Jess finally stopped crying. He slowly lifted his head from his hands and stared at her.
"Thank you."
Rory shook her head, "You have nothing to thank me for. I ruined your life."
Jess embraced her, "But now I know why." He held her tightly. "And I can truly move on."
Rory nodded into his shoulder and then slowly pulled herself away from his embrace. She couldn't let herself do this. She couldn't . . .not now.
There was a faint splashing sound as a frog leaped into the dismal water. The ripples cascaded softly across surface reminding Rory for some reason of velvet. She imagined that if she reached out to touch them they would be very soft, welcoming. She stared at them, very aware of the fact that Jess was staring at her also. She looked up to find his chocolate brown eyes piercing her own. "Jess. . ." She said trailing off.
"Yes?" He caressed the side of her cheek lightly with his hand.
She closed her eyes to his touch, savoring the moment. "I don't want to lose you again." She said slowly and opened her eyes to find him looking out across the pond with pure grief in his eyes.
"Do you remember when we used to meet here together?" He asked.
Rory stared out across the pond with him, "And you would skip rocks."
"And you would throw them." Jess laughed a little. "I can't look at a pond anymore without thinking of you and skipping rocks."
"Jess?" She said softly.
He came back to her, "I can't be friends with you Rory. I'm sorry." He removed his hand from the side of her cheek.
Rory hung her head. "I hate this." She whispered.
"So do I."
She looked back up, "There's no way . . .?" She asked hopefully.
"I don't think so. It's just too hard . . . it's too much."
"I had hoped that . . ." She clutched her hands together tightly. "I had hoped that you would be there . . .when . . . at the wedding. I know it's a lot to ask but . . ." Rory sighed as though she knew it was going too far.
There was utter silence as Jess's stomach clenched. How? How could she ask that of him? But his anger subsided as he stared into her hopeful eyes. He saw there the love she felt for her fiancé. Or was it for him? He didn't know, he wasn't sure if he wanted to.
To lighten the mood he said, "You know, he kind of reminds me of Dean."
Rory looked surprised and then laughed lightly, "They're somewhat alike."
Jess gave her a small smile, "But you know I can't." He cupped her face and kissed her forehead softly.
There was more silence until Rory finally spoke. "Jess?"
"Yes?"
"I have to know . . ." She trailed off for a moment, staring hard at her hands, and then looked up at him. "Do you forgive me?" She said in a choking voice.
"Yes." He said without hesitation. And he put his arm around her.
"Thank you." She said softly and leaned into him. "Can you stay with me for a while longer?"
"What about dinner?"
"It can wait."
"How about some Emily Dickinson?" He asked, and reached into his pocket and pulled out the book.
Rory smiled ironically, "That would be wonderful."
Jess opened to a page that was neutral, that would not remind them of anything that was too painful to remember. " 'I lost a world the other day . . .Has anybody found it? You'll know it by the row of stars . . .around its forehead bound. . .' "
Rory closed her eyes and listening to his voice floating across the air to speak to her. She savored this moment because she knew it would be for the last time.
Oh! If only she had told him!
AN: I really hope everyone liked this chapter. It was really hard to write because I know that 'rape' is not something to be taken lightly. I worked as long and as hard as I could on it; it was definitely the most difficult chapter of this entire lit, I really hope I went about it the right way. If I left anything out at all please let me know because this chapter was pretty much supposed to fill in all of the blanks. If anyone has any questions or comments(good or bad!) please review!!!! Thanks! ~Kay
I would especially like to thank certain people who have given me the most awesome reviews, better then I could have ever imagined. ** To lauramariano- for all of your incredible suggestions and reviews, you have helped me along with this lit so much that it probably wouldn't have been half as good without your help. Thank you!!! ** To Genevah- for all the marvelous reviews you have given me, it kind of inflated my ego at one point, but it felt really great! So thanks! **To Evilemmy- I was laughing my ass off over your review!!! As much as I hate Ryan, I unfortunately cannot have him torn apart by a pack of dogs, but it's a nice thought. And thanks so much for all the awesome compliments!! ** To Nanny and all of her "muppet babies"- your reviews were really LONG but really great!! Thanks!! ****And to all of my other reviewers, thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~Kay~
.
can't you see
The silence was so pronounced that the sound of the gravel beneath their feet echoed off the trees surrounding them. They had walked all the way to the park without saying a word to each other. So many times had Jess opened his mouth to speak and then quickly shut it. He was petrified to ask her. She wasn't even sure if it had been his? But in the end it had been? Had she really cheated on him? Did he really want these questions answered? Not really, but he knew he needed them.
With the bridge in sight, their old meeting ground, Jess finally drew a breath. "How could you think that I would have so little faith in you?"
Rory almost stopped walking, his sudden question broke the silence that she was hoping would never end. She stammered with her answer, "I-I don't know. . .what you mean."
Jess reached into his coat pocket and drew out his cigarettes once again. "Yes you do."
Rory watched as he lit one and took a drag. She almost wished that she could too, she needed a stress reliever. "You're smoking again." She stated.
He raised his eyebrows, "I started last Sunday." He said, meaning the day after she broke the news to him. "And don't change the subject."
They had reached the bridge, and Rory stared across the dark pond, there was no moon tonight. "I don't think that."
The smoke curled from under his nose and disappeared into the darkness above. "Yes you do."
"Jess, I don't understand." Rory faltered, she couldn't think of anything else to say.
"Don't play games with me Rory." He waved his cigarette in the air, the red glow of its tip drawing in the darkness. "Lane told me what you so conveniently forgot to say."
It felt as though someone had dumped a bucket of ice cold water over her head. The blood in her veins turned cold, how could she possibly move? Her very best friend had betrayed her? The only real connection left that she had in this world had broken her vow? Her hand flew to her chest to make sure her heart was still beating, her throat closed and it became hard to breathe. It felt like hours before she made a strangled sound and finally brought the oxygen back to her lungs. When she finally found her voice she said, "She-she told you every. . .everything?" Her knees had turned to jelly, she was going to collapse any second now.
Jess turned to her and stared, "Rory, you would never give up our child even if we were living in the streets. Don't lie to me." He looked out towards the pond, "I could always tell, but that was when you loved me." He paused and flicked his already finished cigarette into the murky water, "I can't tell anymore, so I would appreciate it if you wouldn't."
Rory didn't answer, she needed to sit. Vaguely she could hear a cricket chirping behind her, and a firefly danced freely by her side, but this beauty was lost to her in the deafening sound of Jess' cruel voice. "All I want is the full explanation." Jess said.
Slowly she lowered herself to the ground and tried to take control of her emotions. Her hands shook against the soft, weathered wood below her. She brought her knees to her chest and laid her head on them; curled up in a ball she stared at Jess's pants. He used to wear those to work a lot, saying that they had large pockets for books, Rory remembered vaguely.
Jess sighed and stared down at her. She looked so childlike and innocent. If anyone saw her they would never believe that she had reeked havoc on his life. "Rory, please." He tried again, he couldn't keep the frustration out of his voice.
"I never meant for it to happen." She said softly. She squeezed her eyes shut trying to push back the images. "It just did."
Jess's throat constricted, he wanted to sob. Right there in front of her. She had cheated on him. How? How could she? He pushed the heels of his hands against his eyes trying to push back the tears. "Who?" He forced his voice to say.
Rory opened her eyes once again and a tear fell down her cheek, "I don't know."
Jess jerked his head toward her. "So what was it? A one night stand?"
She let out a bitter laugh, that didn't sound like a laugh at all. "I guess you could say that. It was to him anyway." She hugged herself tighter. "It's been an entire lifetime for me."
His shaking hands tried fervently to light another cigarette, but he couldn't even manage the package. "How could you?"
"I didn't mean to." She said softly. "I didn't want to. . . I didn't mean to. I really didn't."
He finally managed to pull a cigarette out, he brought it to his lips only to realize it wasn't even lit yet. "How could you do this to me?" Jess said so bitterly he surprised even himself. "I would have given you everything."
Her face had turned a pale white, it contradicted the dark night heavily. "You already had."
Jess snorted, "I guess I never was enough for you." He shook his head and made a fist around the cigarette causing it to fall apart in his hand. There was a moments silence before he said once again, "How could you?" He opened his hand to find the remains of the cigarette splayed out across it.
Pressing her eyes into her shaking knees, she whispered in a very weak, strangled voice, "I didn't mean to get raped."
The package of cigarettes fell into the pond and was swallowed by the star reflected water. His hands stilled, "What?"
"I didn't mean it, I didn't, I didn't." Rory gasped trying hard to draw breath. "I tired to stop him. But he was all hands and-and legs. I didn't mean it. I tried to stop him. I tried." She began to sob into her knees. "Please forgive me."
Instinctively Jess drew away from her, his eyes- his face- his entire body filled with horror. He was afraid to touch her, he wanted to separate himself from her with anything he could. He took another step backward, putting more space between them. Raped? He knew now that he could never look at her the same way no matter how much he tried. He averted his eyes from her shaking form, he couldn't look at her at all.
"Please don't hate me." She was whispering now, her hands clutched tightly around her legs. She began to sob so vigorously that it scared Jess for a moment. For a moment he wanted to turn and ran as fast as he could just to get away. He wanted to be anywhere but here.
Her wrenching sobs were so loud in his ears, drumming into his head, they finally brought him back to reality. "Rory." He choked. His gaze returned to her. How could he be frightened of her? No, not Rory. Not his Rory. She was his world, he would never . . . could never . . . run from her. Only to her.
"I didn't want him. I swear I didn't." She rocked herself back in forth. "Please . . .believe me."
Jess found that he could finally move again and slowly lowered himself down to her side, "Rory, Rory." He brought her struggling mass to him and lifted her head from between her knees. "Rory, oh God." He cradled her head between his hands, her eyes were squeezed shut, and she wouldn't look at him. "I didn't know. Please look at me." He felt a tear falling down his own cheek as he tried desperately to wipe them away from hers. "Rory look at me." He said in a strangled but firm voice, and she finally looked up.
Her blue eyes were so bright in the darkness, they looked like a pair of stars staring into his soul. "I'm so sorry Jess. I never meant for it to happen." She shook her head, drawing in quick short breaths. "I didn't, I really didn't."
His thumbs ran over the side of her cheeks clearing away more tears. "Rory listen to me, it wasn't your fault okay?" His eyes stared straight into her, searching. "It was never your fault." Jess felt a great wave of regret fall over him, where had he been? Why hadn't he protected her? Where had he BEEN?
Rory slowly nodded her head in his hands. "I . . .didn't," more tears, "know how . . . to tell you."
"I know. I know sweetheart." He kissed her forehead and drew her tightly into his embrace. "I know."
Her hands grasped wildly at his jacket, struggling to find something real. She cried into his neck, "I was so scared."
"I know, I know." Jess's shock was slowly turning into a burning anger. Who did this to her? Who did this to the one person in the world he loved more than anyone or anything else? Who fucking did this? Jess always thought he knew what it meant to hate, but he never had before now. He never thought he could feel this much hatred toward someone he had never even met. He wanted to kill this man for doing this to Rory, making her into this small, crumpled woman in his arms. But for now he simply held her tight.
Minutes later . . . or was it hours? . . . they still held each other in the same position. Her sobs had reduced to tears running down her cheeks and onto Jess's chest only every few minutes. Her arms were entangles around his neck hanging on her dear life, and her head was still cradled into his shoulder. She finally broke the silence to say, "I'm sorry I never told you . . .I should have."
Jess ran his hand over her hair and soothed her, "It's in the past and there's nothing we can do." Jess sighed, going over all of his on 'if onlys' in his mind. And then he asked a question that had been nagging at his conscious since Rory had confessed, "Rory, where was I during all of this?" He said softly.
The answer came quickly as if it had been thought over too many times, "You were in Toronto, on that field trip with your students."
Jess's hands clenched and for the first time in his life he regretted becoming a teacher. "I should have been there." He couldn't stop himself from saying.
She pulled away, "Don't do that." She offered a very small forced smile. "Like you said, there's nothing we can do to change the past."
Staring at her for a moment Jess finally realized the timing of his trip. "You had your breakdown a month later." He said shocked.
Rory looked out beyond Jess in another place now, recalling the time when life hadn't seemed worth living. "It was three weeks after the abortion." She continued to stare out in the world behind him, lost in a place where he could not go. She had reached the very bottom of her soul where all of her deepest secrets crawled and festered. "It was then I found out it had been yours, not his."
He reached out and touched her cheek, it was free of tears but ice cold. "It doesn't matter now."
"I had just received a phone call from the abortion clinic, the doctors had made a mistake in pin pointing the time of my conception." She unconsciously leaned her head into Jess's hand and tried to hide herself from something she could not run from.
*Flashback*
Rory was smiling for the first time in four weeks. And you know what? It felt really good. She had just gotten back from an interview with a possible new employer. Who knew? A month from now she could be a writer for a column! Her! A writer! Her grin widened. Life was looking up finally.
The past month had been hell, absolute hell. She and Jess had drifted further apart then she had ever imagined possible. But all of a sudden her feelings for her husband came flying back to her. All of a sudden she yearned for him like she hadn't since before that one terrible night. She couldn't wait to tell him her exciting news.
She reached her small working station where she was a grammatical editor (whoop dido). She bit her lip to stop herself from jumping for joy. She was happy. She hadn't felt this way in so long that she thought she would surely burst. Jess! She had to tell Jess. She reached for the phone but it rang back at her.
Rory was startled for a moment, but she recovered and picked it up. "Hello?"
"Hi, is this Rory Mariano speaking?" A crisp voice said through the receiver.
"Yes it is." Rory answered.
"I'm Kathy calling from the Jackson Abortion Clinic in New York."
Rory's happy thoughts slowly began to disappear. She thought she was done with them. "Is something wrong?" She asked timidly.
"Well, no not really. I'm just making a policy call to let you know the doctor made a mistake, or the computer actually, when identifying the date of your conception."
The phone almost slipped from Rory's hand, "Ex-excuse me? A mistake?" Rory could here Kathy chomping her gum in the background.
"Yes, ma'am. But don't worry, it was only by a couple days. September 13 to be exact. We have to call when the computers make mistakes like this. I am sorry for the inconvenience." It sounded as though she was speaking from a book.
Rory felt her hand begin to shake, "Are . . . you sure?"
"One hundred percent sure. Dr. Flanigan double checked when he found out. No mistake this time."
Her heart was racing, her breath was coming in small gasps. She vaguely heard Kathy through the line asking her if she was alright. Everything was closing in around her, she couldn't concentrate. She had killed their child? She had killed their child. She slowly replaced the phone in its cradle. She sat back in her chair and stared into space. That's when her body began convulsing and she vomited all over her office area.
*Present*
"I don't remember anything after that." Rory said still leaning into his hand. "I woke up in the hospital with you asleep beside me, you were in the most uncomfortable position just to be as close to me as possible." Rory shook her head sadly, "You were the perfect husband and I had killed our child."
Jess in turn shook his head angrily and waved his hand impatiently. "It was NOT your fault Rory!" He said. "That God damn clinic screwed up. You could have sued them for what they did."
Sighing she picked at dried mud on the bottom of her jeans. "They didn't even realize what they had done, or there would have been major problems."
Furrowing his eyebrows Jess said, "What do you mean?"
"I didn't tell them I had been raped, Jess." She gazed up at him. "I told them the same I told you, I was having an abortion due to money. When I found out I was pregnant I went to the doctor with Lane and he made an approximation that I had become pregnant the week it happened, but he couldn't pin point it. So we went to the clinic and they told me it happened the day I was raped. I knew it was wrong to have one, but I couldn't live with it growing inside of me. Lane helped me make the decision."
"Lane knows everything?"
"Yes, I really don't know what would have happened without Lane." Rory ran a quivering hand through her hair. She grimaced, "Did Lane really tell you about everything?"
"No. She just realized that you hadn't told me everything." Jess sighed and raised his eyebrows, "I kinda filled in the blanks the wrong way, I thought you had cheated on me." Jess squeezed his eyes shut and raised his head to the night. "Why didn't you TELL me?" He asked. He was trying so hard not to be upset or angry, but he couldn't help it. How could she ever keep that from him?
"I know I should have." She felt ten times better knowing that Lane hadn't betrayed her, but she had been dreading this question. How could he possibly understand? She couldn't even understand herself. "I couldn't tell you Jess. I just couldn't. I tried so many times, but I thought . . ." She trailed off and looked away.
Jess leaned forward, "What did you think Rory?"
She bit her lip, "I know it sounds stupid. But. . . but I thought you would stop loving me." She shuddered. "I couldn't stand myself, I could barely look in the mirror anymore. I just felt so. . .so dirty." She looked back at him, "I know now that I was wrong."
"I could never stop loving you Rory." He simply stated. He needed to keep his emotions in tact, he needed to for her.
"I know that now."
There silence for a moment when only the soft chirping of a cricket could be heard.
"You didn't go to the police?" He asked taking her hand in his and rubbing the warmth back into it.
"No."
"How did it happen?" Jess linked their hands. "Can you tell me?"
"Yes." There was a pause where Rory tried to collect her thoughts into an organized manner. But everything seemed so jumbled and out of place. The man beside her was the only thing that kept her linked with reality. She finally found her next thought process, "I was in the Bronx on 13th street."
Jess frowned, "What were you doing there?" He asked. "We lived in Manhattan then. And that's a really bad part of town . . ." He trailed off.
"I don't remember why . . ." Rory searched her memory, and then said, "I was going to that coffee shop where they sold the cinnamon buns I loved. That seems so trivial now." Again Rory stopped, lost in thought. If only she hated sweets. "I took a back alley as a short cut and he just jumped out from behind me. I didn't even have time to react, it all happened so fast." She spoke quickly as though she just wanted it all out. She broke the damn that had been clutching the inner most depths of her soul for far too long.
"I tried to stop him but he covered my mouth with a cloth or something and I kind of blacked out after that, I think he had put some kind of date rape chemical on there to make me pass out. Well, I just almost did." Rory brought her hand up to her brow and covered her eyes. She wished they would go away, she wished she could forget. "I came to at one point and tried to fight back, but he hit me and I lost consciousness again. Mostly I remember images . . . his face . . . his rough hands ripping my favorite skirt, and then the jacket you had bought me. The leather one." She still had that jacket at a bottom of a box in the back of her closet. It was torn and stained with grime, but she still had it. She didn't even know why.
"When he left me there I couldn't move for the longest time. All I could think of was you. Our first kiss and my runaway, out first apartment together, our wedding day, our everything." She stopped there and drew herself once again into a ball of knees and arms. "He had stolen my purse, so when I finally got up I had to find a pay phone. I tried calling home so many times and I couldn't understand why you wouldn't pick up." She let out a dry sob.
He placed a hand on her shoulder, "I'm here now." He said.
"I finally remembered that you were gone and I called Lane. I didn't have any money for a cab, and I refused to call the police so she came and picked me up. Drove a whole three hours from Hartford to pick me up."
"Why wouldn't you call the police?"
Rory sniffled and said, "I didn't want to tell anyone. I felt so used and disgusting. He was all over me and I couldn't stand it. I just wanted to be clean again . . . I didn't want anyone to see me like that. I know it sounds crazy, but I thought . . . I thought that it was my fault somehow. That I made him want to rape me." Rory shivered, disgusted with herself. "Sometimes . . . I try not to . . . but sometimes I still feel that way."
"It wasn't your fault." He said firmly trying so hard to keep the anger out of his voice. She should have gone to the police!
"I waited for Lane in the bathroom of a store. Nobody ever even came in. I waited there for three hours, went home with Lane and stayed for the weekend."
Jess nodded, "I remember coming home to an empty apartment." He looked at her questionaly. "You had a bruise."
Rory touched her left cheek softly. "I told you I had fallen, he had punched me when I had come back into consciousness and started struggling. It hurt for weeks . . . a constant reminder."
"Was there anything else?" He asked not even sure if he wanted to run. His fists were balled so tight that he flinched as his nails dug fiercely into his skin.
"Only on my back." Rory looked away from him, the silence filling what she didn't want to say. "And that pretty much sums it up." She said flatly, her hands were still trembling. She slowly entangled her legs and stretched them before her. She laid the palm of her hands flat against her jeans. They wouldn't stop shaking. She wanted them to stop shaking.
"But what happened to us Rory?" His voice quivered. He turned to look at her, caressing her with his stare.
"Jess it was never you, that much you must believe." Rory said desperately turning back to him. "When I came back home from the hospital after the breakdown, I couldn't even look at you. The guilt just swallowed me whole. Every time we kissed, every time we touched, every time you spoke I thought about what I had done and I couldn't take it."
Frustrated Jess said, "But it wasn't your fault!"
"I know that!" Rory said fiercely, and then her look softened. "But I didn't think that then, and I'm sorry."
"Just finish." Jess sighed putting his head in his free hand.
"By the end of October I just couldn't take it anymore. I was ruining my own life and yours. It hurt so bad to know what I was doing to you. I saw the way you looked at me when you didn't think I knew." Rory slowly raised her head to him, her eyes blood shot from so many tears. "You had this look of such sorrow and- and loneliness, I-I can't even describe it. All the life had gone from your eyes. I couldn't look at you Jess. I just couldn't! I knew I was the cause of it, and I couldn't believe what I had done to you! ME! I had ruined your life . . . it was too much. I couldn't cause you more pain then I had already inflicted."
"I never would have looked that way if you had only told me." Jess said quietly but with a hint of very cold bitterness. He was like a wave, up and down, up and down. One moment he was full of love and compassion towards this battered woman beside him, and then the next moment he couldn't stand her for ruining their lives. Oh! If she had only told him!
A small chill ran over her body as she felt his coldness wash over her. "I know." Her mouth was so dry, so much talking. Too much, her mind felt pinched, too much was happening at once. Oh! If only she had told him! Rory drew a small breath and continued, "The guilt just got worse and worse, that's when I decided to do something. I asked you for a divorce. And I knew, as shameful as it was, the only way for you to agree was to tell you that I didn't love you."
Jess looked back up at her, his eyes questioning and hopeful. The inky cold black that had been there seconds before slowly disappeared into the depths of his chocolate eyes.
She stared back at him, her blue eyes wide with truth.
"I never stopped loving you Jess. I want you to know that. I asked for the divorce because I loved you." Rory's eyes never left his as Jess took both of her hands in his.
Jess stared into her endless blue eyes. He felt happiness surge through him. She had never stopped loving him. She had never stopped loving him! His whole body was alive with euphoria. He wanted to tell her he still loved her, he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. He always had. He wanted to tell her that he had never stopped loving her either. He wanted to tell her a million things.
He rubbed her hands in his and was about to speak when his finger touched something sharp. He looked down to see her engagement ring staring back at him.
Rory looked down also to see what he was glaring at. Was that her heart dropping?
They both continued to stare at it. The hope of Rory's future, and the devastation of his.
He finally spoke, "Why?" He asked simply.
Was he asking about her engagement or why she asked for a divorce? She went with the latter. "If we had stayed together Jess things would have just gotten worse for me. I would have made you're life even more miserable. I didn't want to do that, I didn't want to be that cause of your misery. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To tell you I didn't love you." Rory looked away, into the darkness of the night feeling as though it was swallowing her whole. "I did it because I loved you so much, I couldn't go on making you miserable. I just couldn't."
He broke away from her and leaned his elbows against his knees, he ran his hands through his hair. "You have no idea what this means to me." In spite of himself tears trickled down his face. He pressed his hand over his eyes trying to force them back.
Rory watched Jess's figure slightly shaking, she'd never seen him this vulnerable before. She slid her arms around him and placed her head on his back. Holding him. "I know I hurt you . . . and I'm so sorry." She pressed her face into his back. "I never wanted to hurt you Jess. You were my life. My entire life."
They stayed in that position until Jess finally stopped crying. He slowly lifted his head from his hands and stared at her.
"Thank you."
Rory shook her head, "You have nothing to thank me for. I ruined your life."
Jess embraced her, "But now I know why." He held her tightly. "And I can truly move on."
Rory nodded into his shoulder and then slowly pulled herself away from his embrace. She couldn't let herself do this. She couldn't . . .not now.
There was a faint splashing sound as a frog leaped into the dismal water. The ripples cascaded softly across surface reminding Rory for some reason of velvet. She imagined that if she reached out to touch them they would be very soft, welcoming. She stared at them, very aware of the fact that Jess was staring at her also. She looked up to find his chocolate brown eyes piercing her own. "Jess. . ." She said trailing off.
"Yes?" He caressed the side of her cheek lightly with his hand.
She closed her eyes to his touch, savoring the moment. "I don't want to lose you again." She said slowly and opened her eyes to find him looking out across the pond with pure grief in his eyes.
"Do you remember when we used to meet here together?" He asked.
Rory stared out across the pond with him, "And you would skip rocks."
"And you would throw them." Jess laughed a little. "I can't look at a pond anymore without thinking of you and skipping rocks."
"Jess?" She said softly.
He came back to her, "I can't be friends with you Rory. I'm sorry." He removed his hand from the side of her cheek.
Rory hung her head. "I hate this." She whispered.
"So do I."
She looked back up, "There's no way . . .?" She asked hopefully.
"I don't think so. It's just too hard . . . it's too much."
"I had hoped that . . ." She clutched her hands together tightly. "I had hoped that you would be there . . .when . . . at the wedding. I know it's a lot to ask but . . ." Rory sighed as though she knew it was going too far.
There was utter silence as Jess's stomach clenched. How? How could she ask that of him? But his anger subsided as he stared into her hopeful eyes. He saw there the love she felt for her fiancé. Or was it for him? He didn't know, he wasn't sure if he wanted to.
To lighten the mood he said, "You know, he kind of reminds me of Dean."
Rory looked surprised and then laughed lightly, "They're somewhat alike."
Jess gave her a small smile, "But you know I can't." He cupped her face and kissed her forehead softly.
There was more silence until Rory finally spoke. "Jess?"
"Yes?"
"I have to know . . ." She trailed off for a moment, staring hard at her hands, and then looked up at him. "Do you forgive me?" She said in a choking voice.
"Yes." He said without hesitation. And he put his arm around her.
"Thank you." She said softly and leaned into him. "Can you stay with me for a while longer?"
"What about dinner?"
"It can wait."
"How about some Emily Dickinson?" He asked, and reached into his pocket and pulled out the book.
Rory smiled ironically, "That would be wonderful."
Jess opened to a page that was neutral, that would not remind them of anything that was too painful to remember. " 'I lost a world the other day . . .Has anybody found it? You'll know it by the row of stars . . .around its forehead bound. . .' "
Rory closed her eyes and listening to his voice floating across the air to speak to her. She savored this moment because she knew it would be for the last time.
Oh! If only she had told him!
AN: I really hope everyone liked this chapter. It was really hard to write because I know that 'rape' is not something to be taken lightly. I worked as long and as hard as I could on it; it was definitely the most difficult chapter of this entire lit, I really hope I went about it the right way. If I left anything out at all please let me know because this chapter was pretty much supposed to fill in all of the blanks. If anyone has any questions or comments(good or bad!) please review!!!! Thanks! ~Kay
