AN: Hey everyone!! Sorry I haven't updated in so long but I've had a lot of schoolwork and I just got home from vacation. Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy!

~Kay~
i'll be all right

She had shed years and years and years. It felt like she really was thirty three, not an old haggard woman trying desperately to survive through one day. There was a new bounce in her step, a new light in her eyes and a new pretty pink her cheeks that had once been so pale. So she was happy right?

Yes, she was. Rory stepped out of her car and made her way to the mailbox. She really hadn't felt this way in three years, there was nothing dragging her down, holding her back. There was nothing in the back of her mind screaming to be set free. She only had to pull her own weight now. It was a nice feeling.

The mailbox creaked open and Rory pulled out its contents. Bills, bills, junk, oh! Cosmo, more bills, and . . . what's this? Rory stared at the manila envelope in her hands, his hand writing was scrawled out across it. Her heart jumped to see her name written by him, it reminded her of college; when she would run to her mailbox to find a letter to her from him. The feeling of giddiness mixed with joy that always met her when she found it.

But this time there was no joy or giddiness accompanied with this letter, only a feeling of relief. Was that really relief? Or was it desolation?

She slowly made her way over to the porch and sat on its steps. She laid the other mail beside her and stared at the one large envelope in front of her. She didn't have to open it, she knew what it was. She would open this envelope and inside would be his signature signing her away. Declaring his agreement to the end of Mr. and Mrs. Jess Mariano: Rory and Jess, Jess and Rory.

Collecting the rest of the mail, Rory stood up quickly and determined. She turned around and entered the house. She would not open this now. She would do it later by herself and have a good cry. She would finally say goodbye to her past life-to her past love.
****************************************************
He wondered how he did it. He wondered how he forced his pen to the paper and neatly wrote out his name. He wondered how he then calmly printed her name on the middle of the envelope. He wondered how he actually managed to place it in his mailbox. He wondered many things. But mostly he wondered how he was going to live the rest of his life.

What would he do now? All of his questions had been answered, so what was there to live for now? What was his purpose?

Since he was seventeen Rory had always somehow affected his life, good or bad. Now- now it was over. He thought he had wanted this! The road before him had been cleared away, he would no longer stumble when he walked through life. But what was living, really, without her?

He guessed he would just have to find out.

Jess tapped his red correcting pen against a pile of tests in front of him. He couldn't concentrate, it was just too hard. Since she had told him her story he had thrown himself into his work. But now he wanted to mull over it. Wanted to clear his mind that was bursting with jumbles of doubts, memories, thoughts and even hopes. Hope for what may lay in store for him.

Three years ago he thought he was doing just that, living without her. But even after he had moved to Pennington he hadn't. She was always there in the back of his mind, haunting his every thought, his every dream, his every nightmare, his every movement. . .

*Flashback*
Files in the drawer, pens in the cup, books on the shelf to the right, poster on the wall reading "Your actions speak so loudly I cannot hear what you say."-Ralph Waldo Emerson, the lesson plans on his desk. Well, everything was in order.

So this was his life now? Jess leaned back in his chair and gazed at his surroundings. Twenty five desks and chairs sat stared back at him waiting for grumbling students to fill their seats. A black chalk board in the back waiting to be written on. Books on the shelf waiting to be read. Papers in the drawer waiting to be written on. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Everything was waiting for him. Waiting for his life to begin. For his life to begin without her.

So this was it? This was the meaning of his existence? To teach students grammar and make them read books. Wow, life was real good.

If only he had someone to come home to. If only he had someone to love again. If only his heart could beat again. 'If onlys'. He couldn't stand them. He had to deal with his life. "Suck it up" as Luke has so often said to him.

And "suck it up" he would. He smiled thinking of the students stumbling into his classroom tomorrow. This was what he was meant to do, this was what he wanted to do. To teach the beauty of literature to others. He was glad Luke had found him this job, even if it had torn his pride apart to take it. He was glad he did. Living in the city where she had walked its streets was torture; at every corner he expected to find her, at every coffee store he expected to see her, at every book store he expected to stumble upon her. But he never did, and that was the worst part of all. Here . . . here he didn't expect her at all. But sometimes he wished . . . he tried not to- tried so hard not to . . . but sometimes he wished he did.

Jess sighed and laid his head in his hands. If only he could prop a picture frame on his desk!

He began to weep.

*Present*
A knock on his classroom door caused Jess to jump from his seat torn from his reverie. A man was standing at the threshold of his classroom.

"Hey Jess." It was Adam Loman from the science department. One of Jess's "teacher friends".

"Wanna grab a beer with Jimmy and me?"

Jess grinned, "A beer sounds great." His memories slowly crept backwards like the departing tide of an ocean wave leaving only lingering outlines in the sand.

Adam grinned back, "Meet you in ten minutes?"

"McCormans?"

"Yeah."

"I'll be there."

****************************************************
"Hey Ror!"

The scalding hot water hit her back in satisfying sharp arrows. She turned toward the bath room door surprised. "Ryan?" She called back, she pulled back a part of the shower curtain. "I thought you weren't going to be here until eight!"

"They let me out early. I'm making spaghetti, is that okay?"

Rory smiled, yum! Spaghetti! "That sounds wonderful." She said and continued shampooing her hair.

A half hour later Rory was pulling on a very comfortable pair of socks under her baggy sweats. She had twisted her hair into a clip, it hung loosely against her neck, wetting the hood of her sweatshirt. That's what her life was like now, so comfortable. It wasn't full of sharp objects and broken pieces; it was nice, it was safe.

An aroma of pungent spices drifted up to her room, her stomach was grumbling with anticipation. Ryan was the best cook Rory knew, next to Mathew and Luke of course. She followed the scent of spaghetti all the way to the kitchen where she found Ryan standing over a bubbling pot of red sauce.

"Mmm, smells delicious." She said standing beside him.

She was about to stick a finger into it but Ryan swatted her hand away. "Patience, patience."

"But I want some now!" Rory whined sticking out her lower lip.

He kissed her quickly and then shook his head, "Ten more minutes."

"Ugh! Fine." She flounced away into the living room. "But if in ten minutes you find me dead on the ground due to starvation you'll have to live with . . ." Rory's voice trailed off into silence.

Ryan rolled his eyes and left the pot of sauce thinking that Rory was playing another one of her games. He came into the living room grinning but it faded away when he saw Rory's face.

Her mouth was slightly ajar, her eyebrows were knitted together, not in anger, but in pain. Ryan could see the raw agony spelled out on her face and for one moment it tugged at his heart, there was so much emotion on her face. She never revealed any to him, and for one moment, that he shamefully regretted later, he wished that he could cause her that much pain. He wished that he meant that much to her. He quickly pushed the thought away and softly said, "Rory."

She didn't answer, but simply moved to the coffee table where papers were splayed across its dark mahogany wood.

Ryan's heart gave a small nervous jump as he realized his mistake. "I opened those, I-I didn't think you would mind."

Why was she so upset? It's not that big of a deal! They're just some stupid papers! Rory shuffled through them, three pieces of worthless paper. Three of his neat signatures on each one signing her away. Signing their past away. Just like that. It was over. She was no longer a part of his life. She knew this was coming! So why did it feel like an icy hand was clawing at her heart?

"Rory, this is what you want." Ryan came to sit by her side uncertainly. "Right?" He almost squeezed his eyes shut fearing the answer.

A sigh escaped her lips. "Ryan it is what I want, you know that. But . . ." She picked up the papers and smoothed them over, "I wanted- needed- to do this by myself."

"I thought you were over him." He said obviously frustrated.

She looked sharply at him. "I told you how it was going to be from the beginning."

Ryan looked away ashamed, "I thought that maybe I could change your mind. Make you think differently."

She placed both the envelope and papers in her lap. "I told you exactly how I felt. I told you about the separation, how much it hurt me, and how I could never love again. I never mislead you Ryan."

He stood up quickly, hurt by the words she spoke. "I know Rory, I know. But . . . I always had hope." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "But I guess I mislead myself."

She reached for his hand, "I'm sorry Ryan. Someday you'll understand."

He forced a smile, "I mean to."

"Can you really marry me, knowing this?" Rory asked tentatively, gazing up at him.

Ryan took her other hand and pulled her to her feet. "I love you and that's enough for me."

"I do care for you so much Ryan. You mean worlds to me." Rory's eyes dug deep into his. "This you must believe."

"I do." He softly kissed her. "Let's go eat."

"Okay." Rory said and followed him into the kitchen. She laid the papers and the envelope down on the table as she went.

But Ryan stopped abruptly half way there, he turned around and asked, "Do you still love him?"

Rory blinked, caught by surprise, her hand flinched across the table. And then she looked straight into his eyes, "He could never love me again."
****************************************************

Lorelai had just heard the news: Jess signed the divorce papers.

She sat at her kitchen table biting her nails, an annoying habit acquired from the past ten years. Shouldn't she feel relieved? Why did she not feel better? Because for the first time she though Rory might be making a mistake with Ryan. Why she thought this was beyond her. Rory had seemed happy enough on the phone.

In the back of Lorelai's mind she knew that something was missing from this happiness. It was not the happiness she had with Jess and probably never would be. The telephone rang and Lorelai quickly picked it up hoping it was Rory.

"Hello?"

"Hello Lorelai. I am just calling you to let you know we made home safely. But why you did not bother to call first his beyond me." A sarcastic voice rang through the phone. A very familiar sarcastic voice.

"Hello mother, it's lovely to hear your voice again." Lorelai was already rolling her eyes.

"Very funny Lorelai."

"How was Spain?"

"Hot and wonderful. Carol and I had a marvelous time." Emily's voice sounded happy and carefree, the way it always did when she came home from a long trip. But it wouldn't stay that way for long.

"I'm glad." Lorelai said truthfully. She was happy to know Emily had a good time, she hadn't been truly herself since Richard had died four years ago from a heart attack. Everyone had taken it hard, but Richard had been Emily's life and she had been lost without him. But luckily she had managed to find happiness while touring the world with her fellow widowed friend Carol.

"So how is everything at home?" Emily asked.

"Jess signed the divorce papers." Lorelai stated simply.

Emily sucked in a small gasp but recovered quickly. "Did he now? I can't help feeling sad now that it's truly official. You know your father always did like him, and he somehow managed to grow on me."

"I know Mom."

"I mean once he grew up you could actually have an enjoyable conversation with the man free from sarcasm."

"Did it go both ways?"

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

A sigh escaped from Emily's lips, "I do hope Rory's doing the right thing marrying Ryan. Of course he is a respectable young man but . . .I will miss Jess."

"She is doing the right thing Mother." Lorelai said, but this sounded unconvincing even to herself.

"I suppose you're right." A doorbell rang in the background. "Oh! That must be the delivery man."

"What'd you order now?" Lorelai asked, eyebrows raised.

"Oh just a little something from Spain." Emily said mysteriously.

"Huh. Okay Mom, I'll let you go."

Sounding disappointed, Emily said, "Goodbye then. Have Rory call me."

"I will. Bye Mom." And with that Lorelai hung up the phone. It was then she came to her conviction. Rory was not in love with Ryan, if she could even convince herself of this then it certainly was not true.

How could she not have seen this before? How?

Her daughter didn't love the man she was engaged to. She loved her ex-husband. Anyone could see it. Even Lorelai, finally.

She couldn't let Rory go through with this, she couldn't let her marry a man she didn't love, it was wrong. Lorelai threw herself down onto a kitchen chair with a scowl on her face.

How? How could she have been so blind? She was a horrible mother! No, she could not even call herself a mother at this point. For the past year Lorelai had been pushing and pushing Rory toward Ryan. But why? Because he was safe, and she wanted her daughter to be safe. But love was not safe.

And more then anything Lorelai wanted her daughter to love. Ryan was not her love and never would be, she had to face this fact and get over it.

The drip, drip of the coffee pot behind her in the kitchen calmed Lorelai in her hysterics. She must think clearly. Squeezing her eyes shut and rubbing her temples Lorelai remembered the day Rory came to her. Remembered the day when 'I told you so' lingered in the air between them like a barrier of bricks.

*Flashback*

Starbucks could not even compare to Luke's, Lorelai decided haughtily staring at the caramel mocha in her hand. She would take a nice small cup of coffee from Luke's over any Starbucks pot, even if it was sprinkled in chocolate. Which definitely proved her point of Luke's coffee.

Why had Rory asked to meet her here anyway? At Starbucks of all places? So informal. But then again everything with Rory is informal, had been since the wedding. The wedding she hadn't gone to. Lorelai felt a stab of pain pierce her heart, if she even still had one. How could a despicable person like her have a heart? If she did it was made of stone. She was pretty sure she used to have one, years ago when she could still braid her daughters hair and pack her lunches. She wondered is she really was turning into her own mother.

A noise from across the table tore Lorelai out of her muse. A very familiar pair of blue eyes stared back at her.

"Hey Lorelai."

Why was her hand shaking so? Maybe it was because she hadn't seen her daughter in five months? Most likely. "Rory." She tried to keep her voice from trembling. She studied her daughter hard, something was not right. Rory's face was pale, her hair unkempt, and her eyes . . . oh her eyes were not so familiar after all! . . .they were darker, as though someone had drawn a shade over them that could never be lifted. They were a strangers eyes. She drew in a small, surprised gasp, "What's wrong?" She asked desperately.

Rory took a large swig of her coffee before answering, "Jess and I separated." She placed her cup carefully on the table and awaited Lorelai's response. Her eyes were wide and expectant.

Lorelai was speechless. What could she say? She didn't know what to say at all. Rory looked as though someone had died, Lorelai didn't know it until later on but it was her daughter who had died. A part of her had been swept away to be absent from her life forever, a hole in her heart that no one, not even Jess, could fill. She had lost a child and with that she had lost part of herself.

"Please say something." Rory stated running a hand through her knotty hair.

"I don't know what to say Rory." Lorelai said truthfully.

She raised her eyebrows, "Really? Because I thought you would be full of things to say."

The table beneath Lorelai's hands was smooth and easy to touch. She felt a stab of guilt, she knew what she wanted to say. 'I told you so.' But she wouldn't, not now. Not ever. That's not what Rory needed. "How long ago?"

"Two months."

Two months!! Her own daughter had been separated from her husband for two months and she never even knew! "Why?" She asked simply trying to control the emotion in her voice.

Rory shrugged nonchalantly, "I stopped loving him." She looked away from her mother and sipped her coffee.

Straight away Lorelai saw through her lie. "What did he do to you?"

Rory's head snapped back toward. "Of course you would presume this to be his fault?"

"No, I just don't want you to lie to me. You haven't stopped loving him." Lorelai said shaking her head slowly.

Her manner softened, "It was me."

This time Lorelai saw that Rory was not lying at all, she was telling the truth. She changed the subject, "Where are you staying?"

"At Lane's for now." Rory looked intensely relieved that Lorelai had not pried further. "But I'm looking for a house in Hartford, I've been offered a job here."

Lorelai nodded, "If you need anything," She stared hard at Rory, "I'm here."

"Thanks." She said softly but her voice broke off at the end. The pain was so evident on her face that it took Lorelai back for a moment.

"Rory." She reached across the table to hold her hand.

Rory looked down at their hands entwined, "Sometimes it feels like I can't breath." She gave a small gasp and let one tear escape from her bright eyes.

"I know babe, I know." Lorelai reached out for her other hand and squeezed.

Rory clutched Lorelai's hands and tried to get a hold of herself, she still had trouble speaking of it. For a moment it felt like they were mother and daughter again, best friends; but then the hurtful memories came swirling back and clung to the air around them like beads of moisture. The moment was lost and Rory drew her hands away.

"Do you have Lane's number?" She asked wiping at her face and blinking her eyes.

"Yes."

"Okay, then I guess I'll see you around." Rory stood up from the table. "Bye Lorelai."

"Bye Rory." Lorelai said and watched her leave Starbucks. Her shoulders were hunched over as though she was trying to hide herself from the rest of the world. Rory was definitely still in love with Jess, but she would move on. Yes, Lorelai would be sure of that.

*Present*

But Rory had never moved on. Would she ever? Would she move on even after she was married to Ryan? No, Lorelai did not believe she would, and from this Rory would be a very unhappy woman. She had lost her true love three years ago and Lorelai still did not know why.

Lorelai knew what it was like to lose someone you loved. She had lost Chris to someone else, and then she had lost Luke after the wedding. She lost Luke because she couldn't except his nephew. And then she had lost her best friend, she had lost her only daughter.

Well, she wasn't going to screw up again. Not when her daughter's life was on the line.

She grabbed the still warm phone and dialed.

"Lane?"

****************************************************

They lay on the kitchen table by the bowl of apples which were going brown since no one ever ate them to the left and the plates smeared with sauce to the right. She thought they looked somewhat foreign beside the them, out of place and distant. The artificial light from above glared down on them making them more white then ever. The brightness of them pounced out at Rory forcing her to look away.

They belonged somewhere else. Away from here.

"He could have taken care of them a little better."

They were both staring at them.

She shrugged, "They've been through a lot."

"So I've noticed. He did sign them right?"

"Yes, he did."

"Good. So it's official then?"

"Yes, it is."

But Rory lied to her fiancé again that week, because it wasn't official. Not really. She had yet to sign them.

A great weight had been lifted from her shoulders since she had told Jess.

But for some reason she felt worse.

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