J e s s i e                                                                                          t h e  t h i n g s  t o  s a y

            Do you mind if I have some water?  Thanks.

            Okay, so the night isn't one I can remember.  I do remember flying into Missouri the next morning to meet with Claire's Grandma and Great Grandma.  The whole time we were in the air my stomach was turning.  Jonny and I had been to visit twice.  The first time was to help Claire move in and the second was spring break, we went ghost hunting.  It was so much fun.

             What? No, there's no reason to talk about that.  There's no reason to talk about it at all.

            Anyway, I kept seeing their faces, her grandma's that is.  I could only see her smiling and teasing Jonny that he was too small.  I couldn't imagine them any other way.  Then we landed and I started shaking.  I was shaking from the inside rattling.  I couldn't close myself up tight enough to make it stop. 

             Jonny touched my arm and it stunned me.  Goose bumps.  Jonny doesn't give me goose bumps.  It was all in his eyes.  I could see it the concern, the questions and the fear.

            He and I were suddenly in the same place.

            "I don't know what to say."  I spoke without thinking.  I don't do that, but it was honest.  Sometimes words escape me because they're bursting out from deep inside.  I just can't hold it back.

            Jonny pressed his forehead to mine.  I could actually see stubble on his cheeks and he smelled like soap.  Our moment.  It was nice.  I noticed the things I don't normally notice with my guy friends.  The things Claire probably knew about but she had a major crush on him for a while.  She probably saw a lot of things in Jonny and had an appreciation that I'm lacking because we don't look at each other like that. 

            "Don't say anything."

            His breath was warm and I looked up at him.  Dr. Quest, his father, I saw him in Jonny just briefly.  The light went on in my mind and the corners of yesterday in quiet rooms just lit up.  They've been in this position before when Rachel was killed.  They knew what it was like to have someone come to them and basically say, "Hey, your life as you know it, yeah, well that's over.  I'm sooo sorry."

             Jonny knew.

            "What's going to happen now?"  Another comment escaping.

            "I'm not sure," he pulled away from me and took interest in his backpack.

            So, he doesn't know, or he doesn't want to talk about it.  I know he was young.  I know it hurts but this is new to me.  Why can't he give more?  Why can't he say what he remembers?  Why do I have to go through this blind?

            Sometimes being with Jonny makes me feel like I'm completely alone.  Why is that?