AN: Just wanted to thank everyone again for all the reviews! Sorry I
haven't updated in so long, my computer is such a piece of crape, it
rarely ever lets me on Fanfiction.net.
you'll never learn
Can't you see that you're hurting her?
Could he? Had he ever? The last months of their marriage did he ever see that he was the cause of her pain? Of her guilt?
No he hadn't. He never saw, never figured it out. The entire time it had been him.
He didn't want to hurt her anymore. He just couldn't live with himself if he did. The best thing to do now is stay away. He had to.
Why did he kiss her? His answer to Jules' question . . . Because she was right in front of him. That was the truth. He couldn't be around her anymore.
What a shock to come outside for air and find her standing there. Her arms wrapped tightly around her middle looking like a small frightened girl. The look of surprise when she turned to see him. And then the words that had been exchanged between them, friendly at first, and then sad, until that sadness turned bitter . . .
Why did she kiss him? It had happened at the exact same time. One minute they had been staring angrily at each other, the next they were kissing as they hadn't in years. And oh! To have her in his arms like that again was pure bliss. The feeling of her satin lips against his own, her familiar hands running through his hair and over his back, the way she molded so perfectly into his body like a key in a lock. What a kiss! What a shock. What a shock to know that he felt exactly the same way.
Don't you love her anymore?
Yes! Yes he loved her! He would always love her. It wasn't something he could forget, but he would just have to deal with it for the rest of his life. He would not let himself see her anymore, the results were never good. He couldn't help but want her. He couldn't help but want to take her in his arms and kiss her wildly. Hold her tight.
He wished he could wish his love away. But he couldn't.
And then he couldn't stop thinking about the 'what ifs', and he hated himself for that. What if he had been a father . . .?
He sighed as he stared at the students in front of him. They were taking their final test for 'To Kill A Mockingbird'. They had no idea how easy their lives were. They didn't have to deal with knowing that the one thing you wanted more than anything else in the world was already claimed.
He was going to have to separate himself even more so from Lane and Mathew, he couldn't be around her at all. He couldn't be reminded of her. It would be painful, not being able to see them as much, but it would hurt less then seeing her all the time. Yes, it would hurt a lot less. He couldn't stop staring at her during dinner. He hadn't been able to stop staring at her engagement ring, so much different than the last. Gold band and large cut. He couldn't help remembering the one he had proposed with; platinum, a small cut, their initials engraved on the inside. He wondered if she still had it. He still had his, probably always would.
"I have a question for all of you." He said suddenly to his students. They all looked up at him with surprised expressions, their writing utensils stilled in their hands and their eyes bemused. "'Better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all'. Which one of you can truly say you believe in that statement?"
They all stared at him as though he was a lunatic. So what if he was? He wouldn't let it bother him. "No takers?" He asked. They all seemed scared to answer the question as though it were a trick.
"Okay, bonus points for the person who can give me a straight forward answer."
Almost immediately Carl Mennings raised his hand eagerly.
"Carl, I thought so." There were small chuckles from the students.
"I think, Mr. Mariano, that anyone who believes in love in the first place is a crack head and should be medicated."
Jess raised his eyebrows, "Thank you Carl for that very intelligent answer. So are you telling me that you don't love your own mother?"
The class chuckled again as Carl turned red. "No, I didn't say that Mr. Marino. I'm talking about that Romeo and Juliet kinda crape. They were crack heads because they died for their undying love. I don't know about you, but I sense a loop hole in that statement."
"But that's the classic love story of all time." Said Lara Pensky, a red haired girl in the front row. "If love didn't exist how could a story like that possibly become so famous?"
"Maybe because of the idea of love." Jess said. "People want to believe in the ideal of love so much that they gobble up stories like 'Romeo and Juliet'."
"Do you believe in love, Mr. Mariano?" Sara asked from the back row.
Jess was silent for a moment, "Yes." He said simply.
"Well, I don't." Carl said huffily sitting back in his chair. "People in ilovei," here he made quotation marks with his fingers, "always manage to do the stupidest things anyway."
Jess nodded, "Yes they do."
"So you think love's a bad thing then?" Lara asked.
"Not necessarily." Jess shook his head. "But it's not all flowery either." Why was he telling his students this? "Who here believes in love?"
Nearly three fourths of the class raised their hands, a majority of them being girls. "When I was your age I felt exactly the same way Carl did. Things change as you grow."
Carl smirked, "Like what?"
"You're entire perspective on life." Jess answered.
The class was silent for a moment, contemplating this statement. And then Sara spoke, "Do you believe in that quote, Mr. Mariano?"
His entire class turned their attention back to him expectantly. Did he? Did he believe in 'it's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all'. What would his life be like right now without her love. He immediately answered the question, "Yes."
"Then why aren't you married, man?" Carl asked with his eyebrows raised. "If you believe in love so much?"
"Yeah, we all know how many times Mrs. Hanover has tried to set you up!" Another student said. The other nodded and laughed in agreement.
Jess leaned back in his chair, "Because I believe in that statement once, not twice."
The room was utterly silent for a moment while the class of freshman stared at him in surprise. Mr. Mariano in love? Weird.
"So, how many bonus points do I get?"
****************************************************
The soft soil beneath her dirtied her knees and colored her hands.
A piece of hair from her loose and messy pony tail fell across her face and stuck to her sticky forehead. She pushed it away leaving a streak of dirt across her forehead.
The sun landed hard on her back, warming her on the cool October day. It was right between summer and fall, when the sun was still hot and the breeze was turning cool.
She was planting tulip bulbs for next spring. They would shoot up from the ground in a happy state, coloring her yard with pinks, yellows, reds and oranges. Tulips were her favorite flowers; they came up every year, yet she planted new bulbs every fall anyway.
Her tulips were everywhere in the spring making her yard look alive with brilliance.
She hadn't discovered her passion for gardening until after the divorce when she was no longer living in the city. It had helped her through all the hard times. It had helped her try to forget Jess and everything he meant to her. But then again gardening always caused her mind to drift to things that sometimes she did not like to think of.
*Flashback*
It was hard to concentrate when he was sitting only inches away from her, it was hard to do anything. She held her book tighter between her fingers and forced her eyes on the words that would normally capture her attention so easily. She could feel the heat radiating off of him, it was like waiting beside an extremely hot coffee pot with eager anticipation. She stole a glance up at him; he, unlike her, was reading his book avidly. A dark lock was brushing his temple and she had this intense urge to sweep it away.
What had she been thinking? She hadn't seen him in nearly two weeks and they were reading? Reading! She could only blame herself really, why did she have to be so stupid?
He had been in California for ten days visiting his father while she had to stay home and work. He had arrived home and almost immediately their clothes were off. But she had stopped him, telling him that she did not want their relationship to be based on sex alone, they never did anything else ever since she moved in! Of course he had merely smirked which made her so angry, so she told him no sex for the whole night. He had almost won her over when he said, "You know we never have sex anyway."
She truly was a god damn fool. Here they were sitting in bed together reading and they hadn't seen each other in a whole two weeks. Two weeks! It felt like she had been celibate for months! What was reading next to Jess? She glanced up at him again to study his furrowed brow, his look of deep concentration. He felt her stare and looked up at her, a slow smirk crept up his face. Furious, she stared back down at her book.
Out of the corner of her eye she saw him lean over the bed and search the pocket of his pants that had been thrown on the ground thirty minutes before. But she decided to completely ignore him.
He kissed her shoulder, and then pulled back her hair to kiss the soft spot on her neck. She continued her pretend reading, he would not win her over tonight. Yet she still felt hot sparks jump off her body with desire which infuriated her even more. She saw the hand on her book pulling it down, but she pulled it back only to hear him chuckle. He was so invigorating! No, not invigorating!! Irritating!
His hand was back on the book and something slipped from beneath it. It glided down the crease of the pages to land squarely in the middle of her joined hands. Her mouth had gone dry. The book fell from her hands forgotten.
It felt cool and smooth in her hands, the light from the lamp glinted off its stone into her eyes which were suddenly smarting. How could so small a thing mean so much . . . ? His hand was upon her cheek.
His eyes told her everything, he need not say a word. She could see herself reflected in them and knew that she always would be. She wanted to look into his eyes forever, and be safe with him, be loved by him. She would no longer ask life for anything else. What else was there?
She leaned into his touch and whispered, "Yes."
*Present*
Five days ago she kissed him and she still doesn't know why. The passion of the moment? The way he stared straight through her act? Because his lips looked so kissable? Because she had been yearning for him three years straight? Because every movement he made that night tripped her head first into that familiar feeling of love?
Oh, and the kiss! What a kiss it had been! The way he pressed her body against his, the way her knees turned to jelly in one second flat, his lips crushed against her own in a fit of passion, his warm fingers digging into the small of her back. She hadn't felt anything like that in a long time . . .too long. She wasn't numb after all.
But the thing she remembered most was the look in his eyes when he pulled away. Pure abhorrence. The hatred there. I can't see you anymore . . .I just can't. But she still loved him!
She wanted to rip out every single bulb she had laid in the ground! Her frustration coursed through her blood making her finger tips tingle with violence. What right did he have to control her life like this? He doesn't! None at all. Yet he did and it had been that way since she was seventeen.
And what of Ryan? What of him? Would she be Rory Foster in a years time? Her mind screamed out yes! of course, why not? But her heart surely told her no, how could she even think that? How could she think that she could ever marry anyone else? Even when he proposed she knew she wouldn't. Even then. Even when "okay" slipped from her lips thick and syrupy she knew she wouldn't. But how could she hurt him so even when he had given her a way out?
Sometimes she imagined what her life would be like right now if she didn't like cinnamon buns. Or if she had only been brave enough to have gone to the police. If she hadn't been such a coward to tell him. How many hours had she agonized over it? How many times had she torn her heart apart dreaming of another life? So much that she wished her imagination away. But what was living, really, without it?
Holden Richard Mariano for a boy. Lorelai Anne Mariano for a girl. Lori for short, or maybe Lily. He or she would have been two years and three months, learning to walk and talk.
Rory clenched her teeth and balled her hands, she was only torturing herself with these stupid notions. She had to let go. She let out a long sigh and let her mind drift to easier things.
She placed a bulb into a small hole freshly dug, a smile crept over her face as she did so.
Who knew she would end up being a garden girl? Certainly not her mother.
She gently placed soil over the hole and patted it when it was completely covered. Only three more to go.
"Excuse me."
Rory, surprised, looked up and squinted her eyes into the sun, "Yes?"
A woman was standing there in jeans and a sweatshirt that read Georgetown.
"Do you know where I might find Rory Gilmore?" The woman on her sidewalk asked.
Rory stood up and wiped her hands across her already dirty shorts, "That's me. Can I help you?"
The woman stepped forward and Rory recognized her. The blonde beauty she had seen Jess with! What did she want?
She stuck out her hand, "My name is Julie Carder. I'm a friend of Jess's."
"Hello." Rory held out her hand which was still smeared with dirt, she smiled softly. "I'm sorry my hands are dirty, I was gardening."
Julie smiled, "That's alright." And she shook Rory's hand anyway.
There was an awkward silence before Rory finally asked, "How do you know Jess?"
"We met on a blind date and became good friends."
Rory nodded, "I remember you. You were with him that night I stopped by."
Julie nodded, "Yes, that was me." She ran a hand through her hair and bit her lip, "Listen I would like to get right to the point. I came here because Jess told me everything that happened between you two."
Rory nodded and said slowly, "He did."
"He told me why you divorced him." Julie watched as pain and grief washed over Rory's face and then quickly disappeared with anger.
"He told you everything?" Rory asked her eyebrows raised.
"I think that he needed someone to talk to. And I came over here to tell you off."
Rory snapped her head up, surprised. Who did this woman think she was?
"But I don't think I should do that because it's not my place and I don't want to anyway." Julie paused for a moment, "Could we sit down?"
Rory was startled for a moment and then said, "Yes, of course." She led Julie to the porch swing.
When they were sitting comfortably next to each other Julie turned to face her, "Don't marry your fiancé."
Rory almost jumped off the swing, "What?!"
"Don't marry him." She simply stated.
Rory narrowed her eyes, "You have no right to-"
But Julie but her off, "Please, don't marry him. You belong with Jess, I can feel it."
Rory didn't say anything. She sat staring out into her yard where she had just planted her tulip bulbs.
"But does he still . . ." She trailed off.
"Does he still love you?" Julie said to her, "That I do not know. I think he does but is trying so hard to let you go that he can't even feel it. I think that maybe you need to speak with him."
Rory turned to her, "He doesn't want to see me. 'Leave me be' were his exact words."
"Jess says a lot of crape that he doesn't mean."
All of a sudden anger made Rory clench her fists, who did this woman think she was anyway? No, Rory knew when Jess meant something and when he didn't. Rory looked at her sharply, "I don't need you to tell me what to do."
Julie did not seem phased at all, "I know that."
"Do you realize how different our lives could be right now if it hadn't been for what I did? I killed our baby! I screwed up our whole marriage! I told him I didn't love him!" Rory yelled at her, "I messed up his whole life!" Rory hid her face in her hands and whispered, "How could he possibly still love me?"
Julie hesitated and then slowly placed her arm around the woman next to her, "Because love can't just end. It's like energy, it can't be destroyed, just transferred to another place within your heart."
Rory stared at her, it was as though she had been searching for those words her entire life.
"He told me everything, from beginning to end. I filled in the blanks." Julie squeezed her shoulder, "He wants to be able to really love you again Rory, but he doesn't know how. Maybe it's time he needs, maybe then he'll be ready to talk. He'll realize he can't find anyone else."
Rory tried in vain to smile, "Sounds like someone I know."
There was a moment of silence before Julie said, "You don't love him do you?"
There was a pause and then Rory said, "No. I can't, I've tried and tried but I just can't."
"Then why marry him?"
She whispered it, "Because it's safe."
Julie nodded and then stood up, "I'm sorry to turn up so abruptly and leave the same way but I really have to go. I was in my way back to school when I stopped here."
Rory smiled, "Georgetown?"
Julie grinned back, "Yes."
Rory stood up with her and surprised Julie by hugging her, "Thank you Julie Carder."
"No problem." Julie said in her ear, when they pulled away she said, "And, please, call me Jules."
Minutes, or was it hours?, later Rory still sat on her porch swing thinking about Jules' unexpected visit. Yes, it could be true that deep down, very deep down, in his heart Jess still loved her. But Rory knew Jess better than anyone in the world. He had pride and he would not come begging.
Don't come near me anymore. I can't see you. Just let me be.
Those were his words. And Jess never takes them lightly.
***
The water slipped across her hands cleaning away the grime and dirt. Slowly she rubbed her hands together, methodically applying the soap and forming the suds.
But she wasn't just washing her hands; no, she was doing so much more. This was three years she was washing away. Every tear, every frustrated scream, every nightmare, every sleepless lonely night, every dry sob, every reverie of him, every desperate longing was washed away from her hands. She would wash her hands of these past three years. She would not let her desolation consume her life, not anymore.
She could not deny her love for him. It was impossible. So she would live with it the best she could. She could live with this love for him knowing that he didn't want her. It was the only thing she could do.
Her engagement ring lay beside the sink, still streaked with dirt, never to be worn again.
****************************************************
The bell rang over head as she walked swiftly through the door. Her heart fluttered in her chest. Fluttered? When was the last time her heart has fluttered? It had been dead for years, now all of a sudden in was fluttering? She smiled to herself, she felt good.
The stool beneath her felt cold and familiar. She hadn't sat here in many coffee cups. For a long time she had been sitting at a table where she would not be so near to him. Where she could keep herself closed from the rest of the world. But she no longer wanted to be closed off. She wanted to sweep the cob webs from the holes in her heart and let it thrive again.
It didn't matter if he said no. It only mattered that she tried.
The diner was completely empty as she waited for him to appear from the kitchen. She could hear him washing dishes, letting out a small curse every now and then as plates slipped from his hands. She could wait. She didn't mind, she had been waiting for years, what's another minute?
His face was the epitome of surprise when he stepped into the diner.
"Lorelai?" He managed, his brows knitted in confusion. Why was she here? She only came with the crowds so as not to be alone with him.
"Could I have a cup of coffee please?" She asked simply. She would not waste her words on meaningless banter tonight, there was no need for it.
"Ugh, yeah. Of course." He turned his back to grab a pot of coffee and Lorelai noticed the streaks of fine gray through his dark hair.
They weren't getting any younger.
Before he had a chance to pour a drop of coffee into her cup, Lorelai laid her hand over his free one. "Luke." She said softly.
He looked up at her, his soft brown eyes swirled with love, frustration and confusion.
"I'm sorry." She whispered.
He placed the coffee pot on the counter and laced his fingers with hers. "It's okay."
It turned out that he had been missing her just as much.
PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!
you'll never learn
Can't you see that you're hurting her?
Could he? Had he ever? The last months of their marriage did he ever see that he was the cause of her pain? Of her guilt?
No he hadn't. He never saw, never figured it out. The entire time it had been him.
He didn't want to hurt her anymore. He just couldn't live with himself if he did. The best thing to do now is stay away. He had to.
Why did he kiss her? His answer to Jules' question . . . Because she was right in front of him. That was the truth. He couldn't be around her anymore.
What a shock to come outside for air and find her standing there. Her arms wrapped tightly around her middle looking like a small frightened girl. The look of surprise when she turned to see him. And then the words that had been exchanged between them, friendly at first, and then sad, until that sadness turned bitter . . .
Why did she kiss him? It had happened at the exact same time. One minute they had been staring angrily at each other, the next they were kissing as they hadn't in years. And oh! To have her in his arms like that again was pure bliss. The feeling of her satin lips against his own, her familiar hands running through his hair and over his back, the way she molded so perfectly into his body like a key in a lock. What a kiss! What a shock. What a shock to know that he felt exactly the same way.
Don't you love her anymore?
Yes! Yes he loved her! He would always love her. It wasn't something he could forget, but he would just have to deal with it for the rest of his life. He would not let himself see her anymore, the results were never good. He couldn't help but want her. He couldn't help but want to take her in his arms and kiss her wildly. Hold her tight.
He wished he could wish his love away. But he couldn't.
And then he couldn't stop thinking about the 'what ifs', and he hated himself for that. What if he had been a father . . .?
He sighed as he stared at the students in front of him. They were taking their final test for 'To Kill A Mockingbird'. They had no idea how easy their lives were. They didn't have to deal with knowing that the one thing you wanted more than anything else in the world was already claimed.
He was going to have to separate himself even more so from Lane and Mathew, he couldn't be around her at all. He couldn't be reminded of her. It would be painful, not being able to see them as much, but it would hurt less then seeing her all the time. Yes, it would hurt a lot less. He couldn't stop staring at her during dinner. He hadn't been able to stop staring at her engagement ring, so much different than the last. Gold band and large cut. He couldn't help remembering the one he had proposed with; platinum, a small cut, their initials engraved on the inside. He wondered if she still had it. He still had his, probably always would.
"I have a question for all of you." He said suddenly to his students. They all looked up at him with surprised expressions, their writing utensils stilled in their hands and their eyes bemused. "'Better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all'. Which one of you can truly say you believe in that statement?"
They all stared at him as though he was a lunatic. So what if he was? He wouldn't let it bother him. "No takers?" He asked. They all seemed scared to answer the question as though it were a trick.
"Okay, bonus points for the person who can give me a straight forward answer."
Almost immediately Carl Mennings raised his hand eagerly.
"Carl, I thought so." There were small chuckles from the students.
"I think, Mr. Mariano, that anyone who believes in love in the first place is a crack head and should be medicated."
Jess raised his eyebrows, "Thank you Carl for that very intelligent answer. So are you telling me that you don't love your own mother?"
The class chuckled again as Carl turned red. "No, I didn't say that Mr. Marino. I'm talking about that Romeo and Juliet kinda crape. They were crack heads because they died for their undying love. I don't know about you, but I sense a loop hole in that statement."
"But that's the classic love story of all time." Said Lara Pensky, a red haired girl in the front row. "If love didn't exist how could a story like that possibly become so famous?"
"Maybe because of the idea of love." Jess said. "People want to believe in the ideal of love so much that they gobble up stories like 'Romeo and Juliet'."
"Do you believe in love, Mr. Mariano?" Sara asked from the back row.
Jess was silent for a moment, "Yes." He said simply.
"Well, I don't." Carl said huffily sitting back in his chair. "People in ilovei," here he made quotation marks with his fingers, "always manage to do the stupidest things anyway."
Jess nodded, "Yes they do."
"So you think love's a bad thing then?" Lara asked.
"Not necessarily." Jess shook his head. "But it's not all flowery either." Why was he telling his students this? "Who here believes in love?"
Nearly three fourths of the class raised their hands, a majority of them being girls. "When I was your age I felt exactly the same way Carl did. Things change as you grow."
Carl smirked, "Like what?"
"You're entire perspective on life." Jess answered.
The class was silent for a moment, contemplating this statement. And then Sara spoke, "Do you believe in that quote, Mr. Mariano?"
His entire class turned their attention back to him expectantly. Did he? Did he believe in 'it's better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all'. What would his life be like right now without her love. He immediately answered the question, "Yes."
"Then why aren't you married, man?" Carl asked with his eyebrows raised. "If you believe in love so much?"
"Yeah, we all know how many times Mrs. Hanover has tried to set you up!" Another student said. The other nodded and laughed in agreement.
Jess leaned back in his chair, "Because I believe in that statement once, not twice."
The room was utterly silent for a moment while the class of freshman stared at him in surprise. Mr. Mariano in love? Weird.
"So, how many bonus points do I get?"
****************************************************
The soft soil beneath her dirtied her knees and colored her hands.
A piece of hair from her loose and messy pony tail fell across her face and stuck to her sticky forehead. She pushed it away leaving a streak of dirt across her forehead.
The sun landed hard on her back, warming her on the cool October day. It was right between summer and fall, when the sun was still hot and the breeze was turning cool.
She was planting tulip bulbs for next spring. They would shoot up from the ground in a happy state, coloring her yard with pinks, yellows, reds and oranges. Tulips were her favorite flowers; they came up every year, yet she planted new bulbs every fall anyway.
Her tulips were everywhere in the spring making her yard look alive with brilliance.
She hadn't discovered her passion for gardening until after the divorce when she was no longer living in the city. It had helped her through all the hard times. It had helped her try to forget Jess and everything he meant to her. But then again gardening always caused her mind to drift to things that sometimes she did not like to think of.
*Flashback*
It was hard to concentrate when he was sitting only inches away from her, it was hard to do anything. She held her book tighter between her fingers and forced her eyes on the words that would normally capture her attention so easily. She could feel the heat radiating off of him, it was like waiting beside an extremely hot coffee pot with eager anticipation. She stole a glance up at him; he, unlike her, was reading his book avidly. A dark lock was brushing his temple and she had this intense urge to sweep it away.
What had she been thinking? She hadn't seen him in nearly two weeks and they were reading? Reading! She could only blame herself really, why did she have to be so stupid?
He had been in California for ten days visiting his father while she had to stay home and work. He had arrived home and almost immediately their clothes were off. But she had stopped him, telling him that she did not want their relationship to be based on sex alone, they never did anything else ever since she moved in! Of course he had merely smirked which made her so angry, so she told him no sex for the whole night. He had almost won her over when he said, "You know we never have sex anyway."
She truly was a god damn fool. Here they were sitting in bed together reading and they hadn't seen each other in a whole two weeks. Two weeks! It felt like she had been celibate for months! What was reading next to Jess? She glanced up at him again to study his furrowed brow, his look of deep concentration. He felt her stare and looked up at her, a slow smirk crept up his face. Furious, she stared back down at her book.
Out of the corner of her eye she saw him lean over the bed and search the pocket of his pants that had been thrown on the ground thirty minutes before. But she decided to completely ignore him.
He kissed her shoulder, and then pulled back her hair to kiss the soft spot on her neck. She continued her pretend reading, he would not win her over tonight. Yet she still felt hot sparks jump off her body with desire which infuriated her even more. She saw the hand on her book pulling it down, but she pulled it back only to hear him chuckle. He was so invigorating! No, not invigorating!! Irritating!
His hand was back on the book and something slipped from beneath it. It glided down the crease of the pages to land squarely in the middle of her joined hands. Her mouth had gone dry. The book fell from her hands forgotten.
It felt cool and smooth in her hands, the light from the lamp glinted off its stone into her eyes which were suddenly smarting. How could so small a thing mean so much . . . ? His hand was upon her cheek.
His eyes told her everything, he need not say a word. She could see herself reflected in them and knew that she always would be. She wanted to look into his eyes forever, and be safe with him, be loved by him. She would no longer ask life for anything else. What else was there?
She leaned into his touch and whispered, "Yes."
*Present*
Five days ago she kissed him and she still doesn't know why. The passion of the moment? The way he stared straight through her act? Because his lips looked so kissable? Because she had been yearning for him three years straight? Because every movement he made that night tripped her head first into that familiar feeling of love?
Oh, and the kiss! What a kiss it had been! The way he pressed her body against his, the way her knees turned to jelly in one second flat, his lips crushed against her own in a fit of passion, his warm fingers digging into the small of her back. She hadn't felt anything like that in a long time . . .too long. She wasn't numb after all.
But the thing she remembered most was the look in his eyes when he pulled away. Pure abhorrence. The hatred there. I can't see you anymore . . .I just can't. But she still loved him!
She wanted to rip out every single bulb she had laid in the ground! Her frustration coursed through her blood making her finger tips tingle with violence. What right did he have to control her life like this? He doesn't! None at all. Yet he did and it had been that way since she was seventeen.
And what of Ryan? What of him? Would she be Rory Foster in a years time? Her mind screamed out yes! of course, why not? But her heart surely told her no, how could she even think that? How could she think that she could ever marry anyone else? Even when he proposed she knew she wouldn't. Even then. Even when "okay" slipped from her lips thick and syrupy she knew she wouldn't. But how could she hurt him so even when he had given her a way out?
Sometimes she imagined what her life would be like right now if she didn't like cinnamon buns. Or if she had only been brave enough to have gone to the police. If she hadn't been such a coward to tell him. How many hours had she agonized over it? How many times had she torn her heart apart dreaming of another life? So much that she wished her imagination away. But what was living, really, without it?
Holden Richard Mariano for a boy. Lorelai Anne Mariano for a girl. Lori for short, or maybe Lily. He or she would have been two years and three months, learning to walk and talk.
Rory clenched her teeth and balled her hands, she was only torturing herself with these stupid notions. She had to let go. She let out a long sigh and let her mind drift to easier things.
She placed a bulb into a small hole freshly dug, a smile crept over her face as she did so.
Who knew she would end up being a garden girl? Certainly not her mother.
She gently placed soil over the hole and patted it when it was completely covered. Only three more to go.
"Excuse me."
Rory, surprised, looked up and squinted her eyes into the sun, "Yes?"
A woman was standing there in jeans and a sweatshirt that read Georgetown.
"Do you know where I might find Rory Gilmore?" The woman on her sidewalk asked.
Rory stood up and wiped her hands across her already dirty shorts, "That's me. Can I help you?"
The woman stepped forward and Rory recognized her. The blonde beauty she had seen Jess with! What did she want?
She stuck out her hand, "My name is Julie Carder. I'm a friend of Jess's."
"Hello." Rory held out her hand which was still smeared with dirt, she smiled softly. "I'm sorry my hands are dirty, I was gardening."
Julie smiled, "That's alright." And she shook Rory's hand anyway.
There was an awkward silence before Rory finally asked, "How do you know Jess?"
"We met on a blind date and became good friends."
Rory nodded, "I remember you. You were with him that night I stopped by."
Julie nodded, "Yes, that was me." She ran a hand through her hair and bit her lip, "Listen I would like to get right to the point. I came here because Jess told me everything that happened between you two."
Rory nodded and said slowly, "He did."
"He told me why you divorced him." Julie watched as pain and grief washed over Rory's face and then quickly disappeared with anger.
"He told you everything?" Rory asked her eyebrows raised.
"I think that he needed someone to talk to. And I came over here to tell you off."
Rory snapped her head up, surprised. Who did this woman think she was?
"But I don't think I should do that because it's not my place and I don't want to anyway." Julie paused for a moment, "Could we sit down?"
Rory was startled for a moment and then said, "Yes, of course." She led Julie to the porch swing.
When they were sitting comfortably next to each other Julie turned to face her, "Don't marry your fiancé."
Rory almost jumped off the swing, "What?!"
"Don't marry him." She simply stated.
Rory narrowed her eyes, "You have no right to-"
But Julie but her off, "Please, don't marry him. You belong with Jess, I can feel it."
Rory didn't say anything. She sat staring out into her yard where she had just planted her tulip bulbs.
"But does he still . . ." She trailed off.
"Does he still love you?" Julie said to her, "That I do not know. I think he does but is trying so hard to let you go that he can't even feel it. I think that maybe you need to speak with him."
Rory turned to her, "He doesn't want to see me. 'Leave me be' were his exact words."
"Jess says a lot of crape that he doesn't mean."
All of a sudden anger made Rory clench her fists, who did this woman think she was anyway? No, Rory knew when Jess meant something and when he didn't. Rory looked at her sharply, "I don't need you to tell me what to do."
Julie did not seem phased at all, "I know that."
"Do you realize how different our lives could be right now if it hadn't been for what I did? I killed our baby! I screwed up our whole marriage! I told him I didn't love him!" Rory yelled at her, "I messed up his whole life!" Rory hid her face in her hands and whispered, "How could he possibly still love me?"
Julie hesitated and then slowly placed her arm around the woman next to her, "Because love can't just end. It's like energy, it can't be destroyed, just transferred to another place within your heart."
Rory stared at her, it was as though she had been searching for those words her entire life.
"He told me everything, from beginning to end. I filled in the blanks." Julie squeezed her shoulder, "He wants to be able to really love you again Rory, but he doesn't know how. Maybe it's time he needs, maybe then he'll be ready to talk. He'll realize he can't find anyone else."
Rory tried in vain to smile, "Sounds like someone I know."
There was a moment of silence before Julie said, "You don't love him do you?"
There was a pause and then Rory said, "No. I can't, I've tried and tried but I just can't."
"Then why marry him?"
She whispered it, "Because it's safe."
Julie nodded and then stood up, "I'm sorry to turn up so abruptly and leave the same way but I really have to go. I was in my way back to school when I stopped here."
Rory smiled, "Georgetown?"
Julie grinned back, "Yes."
Rory stood up with her and surprised Julie by hugging her, "Thank you Julie Carder."
"No problem." Julie said in her ear, when they pulled away she said, "And, please, call me Jules."
Minutes, or was it hours?, later Rory still sat on her porch swing thinking about Jules' unexpected visit. Yes, it could be true that deep down, very deep down, in his heart Jess still loved her. But Rory knew Jess better than anyone in the world. He had pride and he would not come begging.
Don't come near me anymore. I can't see you. Just let me be.
Those were his words. And Jess never takes them lightly.
***
The water slipped across her hands cleaning away the grime and dirt. Slowly she rubbed her hands together, methodically applying the soap and forming the suds.
But she wasn't just washing her hands; no, she was doing so much more. This was three years she was washing away. Every tear, every frustrated scream, every nightmare, every sleepless lonely night, every dry sob, every reverie of him, every desperate longing was washed away from her hands. She would wash her hands of these past three years. She would not let her desolation consume her life, not anymore.
She could not deny her love for him. It was impossible. So she would live with it the best she could. She could live with this love for him knowing that he didn't want her. It was the only thing she could do.
Her engagement ring lay beside the sink, still streaked with dirt, never to be worn again.
****************************************************
The bell rang over head as she walked swiftly through the door. Her heart fluttered in her chest. Fluttered? When was the last time her heart has fluttered? It had been dead for years, now all of a sudden in was fluttering? She smiled to herself, she felt good.
The stool beneath her felt cold and familiar. She hadn't sat here in many coffee cups. For a long time she had been sitting at a table where she would not be so near to him. Where she could keep herself closed from the rest of the world. But she no longer wanted to be closed off. She wanted to sweep the cob webs from the holes in her heart and let it thrive again.
It didn't matter if he said no. It only mattered that she tried.
The diner was completely empty as she waited for him to appear from the kitchen. She could hear him washing dishes, letting out a small curse every now and then as plates slipped from his hands. She could wait. She didn't mind, she had been waiting for years, what's another minute?
His face was the epitome of surprise when he stepped into the diner.
"Lorelai?" He managed, his brows knitted in confusion. Why was she here? She only came with the crowds so as not to be alone with him.
"Could I have a cup of coffee please?" She asked simply. She would not waste her words on meaningless banter tonight, there was no need for it.
"Ugh, yeah. Of course." He turned his back to grab a pot of coffee and Lorelai noticed the streaks of fine gray through his dark hair.
They weren't getting any younger.
Before he had a chance to pour a drop of coffee into her cup, Lorelai laid her hand over his free one. "Luke." She said softly.
He looked up at her, his soft brown eyes swirled with love, frustration and confusion.
"I'm sorry." She whispered.
He placed the coffee pot on the counter and laced his fingers with hers. "It's okay."
It turned out that he had been missing her just as much.
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