Chapter Five: Are we going yet?
It was bitterly cold. The wind blew fiercely, trying to force them back. The snow swirled around, blinding them. The Fellowship trudged through the chest-deep snow, stubbornly refusing to give into the elements. The only person who seemed even slightly unaffected was the Elf, Legolas.
He stopped suddenly and looked up, as if he has heard something.
He did.
Just then, someone fell out of the sky, screaming at the top of their lungs and landing into the snow with a flump! They had left a person-sized hole in the snow.
"Who…?" Frodo stared puzzled, at the hole.
The group heard odd laughter.
"HA, HA! LEXISS, YOU ARE DOOMED TO…WHEREVER IT IS I SENT YOU! MWAHAHAHAHA!!"
"Middle-earth," the person in the snow muttered.
Gandalf hauled the person (Lexiss, evidently) out of the hole, so they could get a good look at her, for a girl she was. The sleeves to her large, baggy black shirt were pulled up to her elbows but folded over to her forearms. Her pants were dark blue, and slightly damp. Her eyes were wide as she saw each member of the Fellowship. She was shaking her head in disbelief.
"She wouldn't!" she cried, not believing her own words.
"Who wouldn't do what?" Aragorn asked.
"She would."
Boromir shook his head. "Who?" He demanded. The girl back away from the group only to be stopped by a snow wall.
"SAM!" she shouted to the sky. "Please tell me you didn't put me in what I think I'm in!"
"YOU FOOL! YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE RUINED MY PLANS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! NO, WAIT…WRONG STORY…ANYWAY, GO RUN MERRILY ALONG WITH YOUR NEW FRIENDS, SO I CAN THINK OF SOMETHING BETTER TO SAY!"
"I can't believe the 'Amazing Pillow-cushion Girl' would do something this pathetic," another voice said. "That's it! I'm getting out of this story, Sam. You're on your own, Lexiss."
"No!" Lexiss shouted. "Wait! Cyd! COME BACK!!!"
A black rose fell at her feet. She glared at it.
"Dammit, Cyd…" she mumbled.
"HA! HA! YOU, MY CHILD, ARE MY GUINEA…PERSON!" Sam screamed with laughter.
Lexiss blinked. "Your CHILD?!" she repeated and then wrapped her arms around herself. "And do you realize how COLD IT IS HERE?!"
"YEAH," Sam replied simply. "BYE NOW!" You could practically see the evil grin on her face.
Lexiss screamed.
Nothing. She was gone.
"Sheist." She looked at the Fellowship. "Well, I guess there's only one thing left to do!" she walked over to Legolas. "Hand be an arrow, will you?"
"Why do you need one?" he asked, totally confused.
A hyper look came to her face. "I want to—SAM!" the look was replaced by one of mild annoyance. "I can say my OWN lines, THANK you!"
Lexiss suddenly grinned and giggled. "No, I can't!" she growled and rolled her eyes. "Yes, I can!"
"No, I'm going to let Sam write my lines!"
"Like hell I am! Where's the action? I can't live on romance alone!" Lexiss' face dropped.
The Fellowship, at seeing this…extremely odd girl…argue with herself, began slowly backing away. Lexiss' head snapped over in their direction.
"WAIT!" she ran up and kissed Legolas. Once he had pried her off, her eyes widened. "Oh my GOD!" she dropped to her knees and began shoveling snow into her mouth as fast as she could. She spat it out and looked at the Elf desperately.
"If I EVER try to do that again, SHOOT ME ON THE SPOT!"
For this, he needed no encouragement.
All nine men (and one horse) were now thoroughly and utterly confused about what to do with this rather demented girl. So they went a little ways away to talk about it.
"I think we should kill her," Legolas said as he shoved some snow into his mouth. "She obviously does not wish to be here, so we would be doing her a favor!"
Gandalf shook his head. "She may have a part to play—"
"And I'm Kermit the Frog!" Lexiss shouted over. The Fellowship jumped slightly. None of them had expected her to be able to hear them!
Boromir looked at Lexiss warily. She had begun building a snow Elf, destroying it, and then rebuilding it, and arguing with herself the whole time. "What if we left her here?" he suggested. Lexiss looked up. Legolas looked hopeful. Aragorn shook his head.
"She is not here of her own will, and seems to be controlled by this…Sam."
"You DO realize that you wouldn't be saying that if you were yourself, right?" They jumped. NOW, Lexiss was standing right next to them! How did she DO that?!
Lexiss giggled at their surprise, and clung to Legolas around the middle. His eyes widened in fright. "HELP ME!" He cried, struggling to get away. "HELP! HELP! HELP!" She clung tenaciously, refusing to let go. Then, her expression changed from that of delight to one of anger.
"Sam, this isn't funny!"
"YES, IT IS!"
Legolas stopped struggling and gave her yet another strange look.
Lexiss looked at the others. "Get me off, tie me up, get me as far as Moria, and I'll explain everything," she promised solemnly. "QUICK! Before Sam writes my next move!"
Everyone sprang into action. Gimli and Boromir pulled at Keeran while Aragorn and Gandalf pulled at Legolas.
Inside Legolas's head Sam's voice boomed.
"LEGOLAAAAAS, SLAP GIMLI'S ASS! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! DON'T YOU JUST FIND SHORT, HAIRY MEN SEXY?"
The poor Elf looked horrified. "No! Never!"
Everything stopped, and everyone looked at him. He was beginning to sweat…profusely…and his eye was starting to twitch.
"What is the matter, Elf?" Gimli asked, looking like he'd rather not know.
Lexiss sighed. "At least she's stopped writing me out of character for now!"
"OH, COME NOW, LEGO-BOY. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO! LEXISS KISSED YOU BECAUSE I TOLD HER SHE WANTED TO NOW YOU DO AS I TELL YOU, ELF, OR I MIGHT MAKE YOU EAT…YELLOW SNOW!" Sam gave an evil laugh as she watched Legolas's face.
His eye twitched…a lot. He fell to the ground (sort of, since they're on Caradhas during a blizzard) and began screaming as he clutched his head as if it were something evil that must be destroyed.
Just then, Pippin ran up and kicked the poor, tortured Elf in the stomach.
"There! Now you have something to scream about!" Pippin said with a grin…before falling down into a snowdrift and clutching his head as well.
Lexiss sighed.
All of a sudden, Gimli walked up to Lexiss and winked. She looked at him out of the corner of her eyes, half-thoroughly freaked out and half-annoyed.
Then she giggled flirtatiously.
"NO!" Lexiss jumped up and looked around wildly. "NONONONONONONO!! THIS CAN'T HAPPEN! LEGOLAS IS STRAIGHT! GIMLI ISN'T THAT FREAKY! PIPPIN WOULD NEVER DO THAT!" As she was clutching her head, she backed up into a tree.
She wasn't on Caradhas; she was in Mirkwood.
That's when Lexiss realized that was a dream. She looked around, feeling a bit saner, and saw everyone within a twenty foot radius looking at her as if she'd sprouted a second and third head and fairy wings. She grinned, very well aware that her face had turned a bright shade red.
She laughed nervously and waved. "Just a dream, guys! Ignore me for a little while!" She groaned slightly and walked away.
"What was that she was screaming?" a boy whispered. His friend shrugged. "Didn't she say something about Legolas being straight?" His friend nodded.
"Yep."
"Do you think she read slash fics?"
"Uh, huh."
"Think she's totally lost it?"
"Go to sleep already!"
~*~
"Are you telling me that a Child actually took the initiative to approach you, the Elves, and insist you free all the Children?" The messenger looked at Legolas incredulously. He nodded impatiently.
"Yes, yes, that is correct. I want you to tell the king of Gondor of this news. Also, they are not to be harmed The Child I talked to promised to take care of the 'fangirls'."
"And you are sure you can trust this Child?" The Elf didn't reply. He heard someone. They were coming closer and muttering something slightly…odd.
"9's a number that is fun, not a 0, next to a 1: Never shalt thou count thee 10 there were 9, they all were men. 9 is the number, 9 is the number, 9 is the number, Lord Elrond tells me so."
Lexiss came walking past. She looked over, smiled, waved and continued on her way, muttering, "Thou shalt honor Tolkien's name by spelling his name right. Thou shalt not bow to Toey—then something about enlightenment and 'spell check'…"
The Elf sighed and nodded. "I know this is the strangest thing I shall ever say, but yes. The Child is trustworthy." The messenger watched the girl walk off, obviously thinking she was crazy. Legolas looked at him. "And that was the Child."
Now the messenger knew she was crazy.
~*~
Saruman paced his bubble. He didn't have very far to go, considering that the bubble was only about the size of Lexiss's head—something that has made him consider killing Andy for writing that in. Andy's just been pointing her finger and laughing from a safe distance ever since. Bad Saruman. He tried to take over the Shire. Bad!
"How am I still stuck here?" he demanded to himself. He looked at his reflection, frustration very clear in his eyes. His reflection shrugged its shoulders.
"Perhaps the children you give the message to don't like you," his reflection suggested. "And you should probably get some sleep," he added. "The dark circles under your eyes aren't very distracting from the crazy glint that has been growing in your eyes." Saruman shook his head at his reflection.
"I am not losing my mind!" He began singing the Oscar Mayer bologna jingle under his breath. "My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R, my bologna has a second name it's M-A-Y-E-R—"
"Then why are you singing a jingle from Earth?" His reflection folded his arms across his chest. "If you were truly in your right mind, then you would not be singing such…terrible songs!"
"They are catchy," Saruman replied coolly, "that is all." His reflection grinned.
"If you were in your right mind, you wouldn't be arguing with me, now would you?" It laughed. "Heh, heh, heh!"
"LOOK!" Saruman looked up and saw a child standing nearby, pointing directly at him. "It's Saruman!"
He smiled. "At last, someone has come to recognize me for the great wizard that I am!"
"It's the freak with the weird voice from Lord of the Rings!" Saruman's face fell. The child was quickly joined by another. This new child pointed to the bubble Saruman was in and grinned wildly. He looked at his friend and back at the slightly mad wizard stuck in a bubble about the size of a head.
"Say, Saruman?" he called. "Why are you in a bubble?"
Now, Saruman didn't really know to begin with. The last thing he remembered was laughing, kicking that little snot Wormtongue and feeling something heavy—well, sort of heavy—latch onto his back. After that, well, it was a blur, and then he found himself in the bubble. It was very confusing, to say the least.
The first child looked closely. "You're drooling."
Saruman closed his mouth and smoothed down the front of his robes. Nope, no drool! He sighed.
"Must you all do that?" he asked, slightly annoyed. Both children raised their eyebrows in surprise. The second one blinked.
"You mean—you mean we're not the first?" He snapped his fingers. "I knew it! I knew we should have checked earlier!" Saruman looked confused. The first one sighed and looked at Saruman.
"Okay, since you're real, then your staff is real, right?" Saruman nodded.
"Yes, that would be true. Why?" he asked, suddenly suspicious. The child shrugged.
"We want it."
"We could fix it!" the second one added. The first nodded in agreement.
"Yeah! We could use duct tape!"
"Duck Tape? What on earth are you two talking about?" Saruman demanded. If his head could be turned into some kind of symbol like they do in Loony Tunes, then his head would be a big question mark (not that it can do that in the first place, but it's fun to imagine!)!
The two children (okay, boys) grinned and turned back to Saruman.
"We…want…your…old…staff," the second boy said slowly. "I don't think you need it in your bubble."
"Well," Saruman started when the thought came to him: If they wanted the staff so badly, then he could actually make some sort of bargain with them! "I don't have it."
The first boy nodded impatiently. "Yeah, we know that! We're not complete idiots!" Saruman raised his hands as if in silent apology.
"I do not have it," he repeated, "but I know where it is. I will show you where it is if you will let me out." The boys glanced at each other and didn't say anything. "I have been waiting so long for someone as ambitious as you two to come and help me!" Saruman wheedled convincingly.
They turned their backs to Saruman and began talking. Occasionally, one of them would glance over their shoulder at the wizard that was trapped in a head-sized bubble. Saruman tried to look kindly and patient. While he waited, he began to wonder what Duck Tape was.
Finally, they turned back to Mr. Formerly-The-White-Now-Of-Many-Colors, nodded to the other and put their hands behind their backs, almost as if they were 'at ease'.
"We've decided," the second boy said, "that you're Saruman of Many Colors." The first boy nodded and murmured something sounding like "yep, he's Saruman." The trapped wizard nodded. "Therefore, you tend to manipulate people with your weird voice."
"That is, until Gandalf broke your staff," the first added.
Saruman blinked. "And what exactly are you intending to do with my staff?"
"Nothing much…we just never see you doing anything with your staff—"
"—Except in the movie with that fight scene between you and Gandalf!"
"—So we were wondering if there was really any magic in it," the boy finished. He grinned. "We'd take care of it—!"
"Oh, yes we would!" his friend agreed, nodding excitedly. "We'd tape it back together, we'd polish it, we'd display it on his wall—actually, that's the only thing he's missing from his LotR-style room—"
"HEY!"
Saruman grinned…and it looked creepy. Saruman grinning…creepy…Saruman shouldn't grin. Especially if he hasn't been sleeping lately. Then he just looks scary. Anyway, the two boys noticed the grin and began to back away slowly.
"Wait!" the wizard with the manipulative voice called after them. They began running. Then they disappeared. "NO!" Saruman pounded his hands against the interior of the bubble…and it popped.
Andy cried as her precious head-sized bubble popped, releasing its contents out onto the world…
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A/N: HAHA! I LIVE! I bet you thought I wasn't coming back, didn't you? WELL, YOU'RE WRONG! YAY! I'm sorry for the delay…Writer's Block, and then school started. Bad school. Now onto…THANK YOUS!!! ^____^
Kai: Yes, I do believe that Lexiss may have ADHD. They're very similar, so I just put down ADD.
Andray: Yes…stupid Orrick!
Asylum: Heh, yep, I can see what you mean about there not being a difference…I'll work on that. And thanks for telling me about Uric the Oddball! *HUG*
The Voices: *takes a bow* I'll read your fics! ^__^
Princess Flame: Wow…thanks! ^___^ I guess it could be used in Capture the Flag! Thanks for the suggestion! *evil grin*
Lily: AAAAH! I have made someone hyper! I reached my goal! YAAY! *throws Cheese Nips confetti in the air*
