Hello everyone. I know that in the last chapter I said that I would update in a couple of days, well, it was more like a couple of months. Sorry, but the computer didn't come with the movers until mid-October, and of course there was the packing and assembling etc, etc.
I've tried something different in this chapter too. I've added a bit of mimato (spelling?). I know many of you like this couple. Those of you that don't can skip right over the sappy part because a good portion of this chapter is mindless insanity.
I'm very glad you people like this fic, and thank you all for the wonderful reviews, but I hope your expectations aren't to high. I haven't been writing for a while.
However, I'll pick up where I left off and hopefully you guys will stop thinking I'm dead. Enjoy the fics.
Disclaimer: No digimon is still not mine and it probably never will be.
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Chapter 10
Three Days in Hell: The First Day
Matt slowly lumbered to his bed. He was in the military dormitory. Never in his entire life had his body endured such a difficult task as the one he had just done earlier that day. General Butt-Cheeks was the biggest bitch on the planet, he concluded. The pain she inflicted on him was greater than anything else he had ever experienced, even Sora's curse.
He plopped down on the bed and looked to his left, Tai was already snoring heavily on his own bed. Although Matt was dead tired, sleep seemed to evade him. He closed his eyes and the events of the day slowly played back in his head.
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The military training grounds were the base of operation for Matt and Tai's grueling test. They were occupied by three sagging building's put together. The first was the dormitory for the soldiers, it had three floors: the ground floor housed the dining room, the second had the rooms for rookies undergoing "three days in hell", and the third floor was where the elite soldiers who had passed the test slept peacefully. Matt and Tai shared the same room on the second floor; they were the only ones currently undergoing the test. The other two buildings were used as churches to offer funeral masses for the people who died during the test.
Matt and Tai had been hastily put to bed in the dorms at eleven and were rudely awakened at 4:39 am by General Butt-Cheek's crude, loud, creaking, and powerful voice.
"Wake up you smelly, lazy pieces of repulsive tripe! You have exactly ONE minute to do the three S's- Shave, Shit, and Shower! If you're not done in 60 seconds I'm going to rip every single hair off of your smelly genitals. NOW MOVE YOUR @$$'S!"
Maybe it was her screeching voice or her horrifying threat, but Tai and Matt managed to shave, shit, and shower in 62 seconds. When they presented themselves downstairs by the breakfast room, Matt still had shampoo in his hair and Tai's left cheek was covered in shaving cream.
General Butt-Cheeks did not look very pleased; "you're both late by two seconds, SHAME ON YOU. However it is you're first day, so I'll be generous. After you take my test you will wash the entire training grounds with a toothbrush."
The boys groaned and slumped down in their chairs awaiting their breakfast.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" General Butt-Cheeks roared.
Tai winced, "We-we're waiting for our breakfast." He stammered.
"Don't you know the rules around here? If you don't work you don't eat. Now wipe that cream of your rotten face and get out into the training grounds." She yelled.
Tai took a napkin and wiped his face. The general walked out of the dining room and headed for the training grounds. Tai looked at Matt, "Guess we better follow her." He said. Matt shrugged, he was to busy trying to wring the shampoo out of his hair.
When the two boys walked outside, they were met by quite a crowd. Half the military forces of Ty were gathered in bleachers above the grounds, Sora and Mimi were among them. It looked like the Roman coliseum.
General Butt-Cheeks stood in the center of the grounds and shouted, her voice bellowed like the sound of a dieing hippopotamus:
"We have assembled here today to witness the undertaking of "three days in hell" by these two young men. Should they come out triumphant, they will be leading the forces against the imposing threat from the Kingdom of the Rancid-Orgs. If they fail the test, chances are they will die, or they will suffer from the constant possibility of heart failure."
Mimi laughed out loud, "how's that for a pep talk." She giggled. Unfortunately, General Butt-Cheeks wasn't joking, and that statement was far from a pep talk.
The general continued, "on the first day of the grueling test, these two boys will be required to do 5,678 back-flips with knives in their mouths while singing the French Anthem.
Matt protested, "but general it's impossible to do that many back-flips in the course of one day." That was a big mistake. Nobody ever went against the General, it simply wasn't done. Luckily for Matt General Butt-Cheeks managed to remain calm and sarcastic.
"Oh, I'm so sorry. It seems to me that you poor innocent babies aren't fit for the military. Maybe you babies can go back home and be breast-fed by your mothers! " She said. Then she decided to act like a politician. She was going to repeat a few lines over and over again and had the two boys cheer her on like mindless zombies.
"Tai, Matt." She said, " The Kingdom of Ty is the only bastion of freedom in this world. No other kingdom has achieved a greater statistic of people high on marijuana than Ty has. We are setting the path for Aros and Ju-Ju-Hick to follow. Unfortunately, our prosperity is being threatened by a kingdom down south. Thousands of lives will be lost if Operation Rip Apart succeeds and once that happens, our beautiful kingdom will fall to the hands of the Orgs.
"The two of you came to me to warn me of this evil operation, and I have responded by training you in the best way possible. I have even given you toilets that can flush. No it's up to you. The fate of the kingdom lies in your hands, and I will do everything I can to make sure that you can fight for Ty! So I beg and implore you, for the sake of our kingdom, our people, our children, and our hookers, take my test and you will be able to defeat the orgs, and be remembered as one of history's finest heroes!"
The stadium erupted into applause and Matt and Tai raced towards the center of the field were their knives were waiting. They were psyched. General Butt-Cheeks cheered them on at first, but then she turned around and rolled her eyes.
"Suckers like them are hard to come by." She mumbled under her breath.
Tai was the first to try the test. He picked up the knife and bit it.
"Here goes." He said, almost cutting his tongue. He flipped and landed promptly on his rear end. Everyone in the stadium booed, and someone threw a tomato at him.
General Butt-Cheeks winced. She had a plan. She was going to scare them into flipping 5,678 times, but she was going to use it only in the case of an emergency.
This time Matt tried, and although he successfully back-flipped, he was unable to flip again consecutively, his body simply couldn't perform such a feat. More boos echoed form the stadium and someone chucked a watermelon at him.
They both tried again, but Tai cut his tongue and Matt forgot the words to the French anthem. The people in the bleachers began to riot and a group of them threw a cow, which landed near General Butt-Cheeks.
"Ok that's it!" She yelled. She ran into one of the churches and came out with a burning metal rod.
WARNING
The next 5 paragraphs may be a bit vulgar for a few of you.
"Do you know what this is?" She asked, "this is metal rod that is burning so hot it could easily singe off your pubic hairs, I'm going to stick this up your rear orifice if you fail one more time!"
Matt gulped and flipped again. He tried to follow up, he really did, but it was impossible his body simply couldn't do. The crowd was restless because it had run out f things to throw.
"Ok you thought I was kidding." General Butt-Cheeks said. She ripped off Matt's pants and inserted the burning rod. Tai gasped in horror. That was just wrong! How horrible! It was a crime, a sin! His fists shook in fury with rage for this woman.
"You bitch how could you!" Tai screamed, "you make me flipping mad!"
"What was that?" She said smiling.
"I said you make me flipping...oh!" Realization swept over his face, and fueled by fear of the rod, and rage for the general, he back-flipped over and over again.
As for Matt, a little thought was going through his head right about now and it went a little something like this-OUCH, OUCH! IT BURNS IT BURNS! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT! THE AGONY, OH MY FLAMING ASS!-and he was thinking that if there was a hell, it would feel like this. However, besides the pangs of pain that radiated from his rectum, he felt a surge that made him jump to alleviate the pain. So he to began flipping.
If you were to wander onto the training grounds that day, you would behold quite a sight. A crowd would be cheering endlessly to two figures that were back flipping so fast they seemed to defy the law of gravity. A wide assortment of fruits and vegetables littered the grounds along with a disoriented cow. The two blurs that were back flipping were being chased by a woman with a steaming orange rod. Despite the chaos, music was coming from the blurs:
Allons enfants de la patrie
Le jour de glorie est arrive'
Contre nous de la tyrannie
L'etendard sanglant est leve'
L'etendard sanglanr est leve'
Entendez-vous dans les campagnes
Mugir ces feroces soldats?
Ils viennent jusqu'a' dans nos bras
E'gorger nos fils, nos campanes .
Aux arm, citoyens .
Formez vos bataillons.
Marchons! Marchons!
Qu'un sang impur
Abreuve nos sillons!
(*AN: Ok...I just typed up the French Anthem for really no good reason. However I intend to have this written on my straight jacket before you people send me to the nut house.)
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Matt grumbled and turned around in his bed. He shifted around trying to lie in a comfortable position where his butt wouldn't hurt. At that point he heard a knock on the door. Matt grumbled, if this was General Butt-Cheek telling him that he forgot to clean the dormitory with a toothbrush, he was going to kill himself.
"Come in." He mumbled.
Mimi walked in carrying a tray of food, "I'm sorry, did I wake you up." She said softly.
Matt was surprised to see her, "no I was already awake."
She knelt down by his bed and she gave him the tray, "I realized that you didn't eat all day, you were flipping for most of the day. I think if I hear Marchons! Marchons! one more time I'm going to go crazy."
They both laughed, "thanks for the food." Matt said.
"You're welcome...how's you're...uh.."
"It hurts but it will feel better, Sora promised to cast a healing spell on it if she is in a good mood. Or if she stops thinking I'm a big jerk."
"I don't think you're a big jerk, with or without a charred ass!" Mimi began to giggle but Matt didn't think it was very funny, however he too began to chuckle after a while and they were both doubled over with laughter. When they finished, Mimi smiled at him, Matt smiled back. She was about to say something but they were interrupted by Tai's loud snoring.
She sighed and said, "I have to go back to Tie, General Butt-Cheeks told me to go get Homo Sexual, I don't know if I'll see you guys again after I leave. You know that we are going to go to war." Matt nodded.
"Well." He said, "if that's the case, I had fun traveling with you, even if it was for just a short time."
"Me too." She said. After a while she said, "I better get going." And she shook his hand, "oh this is silly." She said and she knelt over and kissed him softly. "Goodbye Matt."
Matt was only able to wave, shocked and slightly cross eyed as Mimi walked out and closed the door softly behind her. He settled back down in bed. 'Well' he thought, 'today I woke up very early in the morning, had a hot medal rod put up my ass, was humiliated in front of hundreds of people, back flipped for thirteen hours, sang the French Anthem to my hearts content, ordered an ice cream cone (for my butt), and in the end was kissed by Mimi. It was a good day!' With that he yawned, massaged his rear, and went to sleep.
***
It was around 11:30 at night. Mimi really didn't want to be going anywhere, but duty called. She would bring Homo Sexual to Ti and then she would fly back to Aros, where a promotion to ASS Inspector would hopefully lie in wait.
She climbed onto her Phoenix and they flapped up into the night sky. It was pitch black, but the bird would know where to go, Fido used to be a messenger pigeon after all.
As Mimi flew across the Kingdom with amazing speed, she was completely oblivious to the people watching her. Fido did give off a glimmer of light as he shot across the sky, making him an easy target to follow, even from the ground.
The people watching her were dangerous. They were spies sent by a person whose name cannot be revealed at this point. They were lean, mean, and blond. They had been traveling many miles from their domain in the mountains and were secretly watching Mimi and everything she did. Now a perfect opportunity arose for them to strike.
The spies had been very patient for a long time. But patience was their greatest (if only) virtue. They were specially trained to rip out every hair from their butts with a boxing glove, talk about patience. Patience was so important to them, that most of the time they just stood around doing nothing waiting for something interesting to happen. A big colorful bird flying across the sky at the speed of sound definitely qualified as something interesting. Now all they had to do was wait for her to land...
Mimi arrived at the capital of Ty, Tie, at around midnight. She dismounted from her phoenix and stealthily crept into the University. She made her way down the dark halls towards Mr. Sexual's office and opened the door.
Homo was waiting for her, "well Mimi, I've been expecting you."
Mimi blinked, "you have?"
"But of course! Surely you have come for my new courses. I now lead a culinary class and I teach people how to cook soufflés!"
Mimi rolled her eyes, "alright Homo let's get to the point." She pulled out her knife, "I'm and ASS Investigator. I've been keeping a close watch on you and I know everything about you and about your collaboration with the Orgs! You've been accepting bribes from Harry Penis, you've sent messages to Harry about the secrets of the folk dances, and apparently, you hired a man named Carl and ordered him to kill me! So now, if you value your life at all, come with me because I have use for you at the military base. If you don't cooperate, I'll kick your gay ass and bring you over there by force!"
"You know, you're sexy when you're angry. I believe I told you that already." Homo said smiling.
Mimi growled and leaped in an attempt to hit him but he dodged the attack with a graceful skip and he held up his hand, "no, no, no bad idea sweet-cheeks. I do believe you will be the one coming with me." He said. Then he called, "Oh Haywood!"
A gigantic man appeared from behind the door carrying a huge ax. He swung the ax and hit Mimi with the flat side. She didn't know what was happening until it was too late, she collapsed to the floor like a sack of potatoes.
"Very good Haywood. Quickly now tie her up, she's a tricky little bitch." Homo said.
At that point three masked figures walked into the office, they were all blond.
"We took care of the bird." Said the first figure, they were the spies.
Homo raised his eyebrows, "I saw that bird, it was a Holy Phoenix, how did you defeat it?"
One of the patient spies answered, "we didn't defeat it, we gave a ten hour discussion on how to make ten minute rice and it just fell asleep."
"Very good. We have to get going, Sandy is waiting. If we don't reach the Blubber-Stitch Domain by sunrise, they'll start without us."
The spies nodded and one of them said, "right. We'll take you there right away."
*****
At about the same time of Mimi's capture, Sora was flying somewhere along the border between the Kingdom of Ty and the Kingdom of Aros. She was about to cross the border, but she spotted something that made her stop and hover for a while. Three blond men where heading up a sharp trail followed by two men, one of them (significantly larger than the other), was carrying a girl that seemed to be sleeping.
"Is that Mimi?" Sora mumbled to herself. She decided to follow this strange group. She kept a safe distance away from them up in the air, and she flew up the mountain.
*****
The sun came slowly up from her slumber, peeking its glowing face above the mountains and shining its rays down on the kingdoms nestled below. One ray of light, which had just traveled billions of miles through space going 186,000 miles per second, blinded Tk's waking eyes.
Tk mumbled something inarticulate and sat up. He yawned and looked around. Where was he? Slowly, yesterdays events crept back into his head: Morning amnesia, the only thing that prevents people from waking up screaming.
"So you finally got up you sleepyhead." Tk turned around and saw Kari smiling at him. She knelt down beside him and felt his forehead, "how're you feeling."
Tk rubbed his eyes, "fine. My cheek kind of hurts."
"I thought so, you have a nasty cut there. Are you going to be ok." She asked sincerely.
"Of course I'm going to be ok. You're with me aren't you?" He said getting up.
Kari blushed and got up with him. She put her hand on his good cheek and smiled. He ran his hand through her silky hair.
"Tk I-" she stopped when Tk leaned forward. Their lip almost met, but then they heard an explosion.
Tk bolted back, "what was that?!"
"It sounded like a really loud fart." Kari said looking in the direction of the explosion.
Tk's eyes widened, "you think they're testing Operation Rip Apart? I just killed Harry Penis, the Orgs won't be happy about that."
Kari nodded, "we have to go back to Ti and tell General Butt-Cheeks!"
Tk took her hand and they ran towards Ti together.
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Yeah finally finished this chapter! Sorry for the long wait, but the next chapter will probably one of the best yet (doesn't take much).
FUTURE FUNNIES
In chapter 11, Tai and Matt go through day 2 of Three Days in Hell. Sora plots a plan on how to attack the Blubber-Stitch (will be very funny), Izzy is experimenting with Gas-X and is discovering its fascinating properties, Tk and Kari must engage in severe battles with some pot-smoking tree gnomes (when they aren't fighting they are making out), and Mimi busts out of captivity James Bond-style!
Don't forget to review, it will insure faster chapter updating! Bye.
