This is it! The last chapter in my Three Days in Hell Trilogy! If this isn't very, very funny, then I'll dig a hole jump in it and persuade an elephant to take a dump on me. No just kidding. I won't do that, but anyway this is going to be really funny. Try not to split your sides when you laugh.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Never will be mine, now go away and leave me alone in the cardboard box that I like to call my house and let me write in peace!
***WARNING***
If you are sickened and/or disgusted by flying wads of waste products or if you've had a history of heart attacks and suffer from nausea then I strongly suggest you skip over the first few paragraphs for the sake of your health.
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Chapter 12
Three Days in Hell: The Final Day
Mimi was surrounded by a bunch of smelly orgs. She stared them down and took a deep breath. This wasn't going to be pretty.
"Let's dance boys!" She shouted and began spinning and twirling in the air looking somewhat like a diseased poodle with a flaming case of diarrhea. As she spun in the air, Homo and three spies were looking at her from above. They were standing on a rock that was jutting out of the side of the mountain. As soon as Homo figured out what Mimi was trying to do, he began to scream in panicky terror, urging her to stop.
"Mimi, STOP! Have you ever seen an org go into chronic crapping disorder? It's horrible. Please I beg you, STOP!!!" He screamed but to no avail. Mimi kept on dancing. Just then a curious thing happened.
It started on the Org that was standing right in front of her. First he looked sick, like he was about to throw up. Then his face began contorting itself into grotesque features, like the face of someone that ate too much airline food. Then, without warning, he began to fart. Softly at first, then faster and faster until he sounded like a farting metronome and finally, he screamed in agony and a tiny piece of poop stained his pants.
The he exploded. Pieces of shit flew everywhere, all over the other Orgs, all over Homo, all over the spies, all over Mimi, and all over the mountain.
"Oh lovely." Mimi muttered, "I've turned an Org into a shit bomb." As soon as she finished that sentence the other orgs started looking sick as well.
"Take cover!" Yelled Homo, but it was too late. Another Org exploded in an inferno of crap. More waste flew everywhere, covering the people in the nearby vicinity.
"What the hell is going on?!" Matt yelled. He had just trekked up the mountain again with Tai. They were going to help Mimi capture Homo. Of course, they weren't expecting to see wads of shit flying around.
"Matt, duck!" Tai was running up the side of the mountain dodging the pieces of crap when he notices a particularly big piece heading in Matt's direction. Matt ducked just in time, and the waste product flew off and disappeared on the horizon.
"Watch out for the big pieces, they could remove your head and do other nasty things." Tai said. As of on cue, another big flying turd zoomed above Mimi's head and slammed into the rock that Homo and the spies were standing on. It splintered and broke off of the mountain.
"Mommy!" Homo screamed, and he fell along with the rock and smashed into the ground just a few feet from where Mimi was standing. After the dust settled, Mimi didn't hesitate to grab Homo and hoist him over her shoulder.
"Let's get out of here, before I get showered with more crap." Mimi yelled. Tai and Matt both nodded, and they began running down the trail again, but another Org exploded, and piece of crap flew overhead and caused a tiny avalanche of rocks to fall right in front of them.
"Oh no. Now the trail is blocked. We can't go down." Tai sighed in dismay. His ankles were bruised from the bowling balls that were tied to them, and at this point all he felt like doing was going to sleep.
A small piece of shit flew by and hit Matt in the face.
"Oh shit! I'm covered in shit! Ok, whatever we do, we can't stay here. And Mimi, for the future, whatever your plan may be to capture a gay folk dance instructor, make sure it doesn't include moist, flying pieces of crap!" Matt shouted as he wiped the shit from his face.
"I took care of the Orgs didn't I?" She snapped, "Now come on, there has to be another way of this crappy mountain (no pun intended). We certainly can't stay here. If we get hit by one of those really big flying turds we'll fall of the mountain and splat like lemons!"
"Thanks for that thought Mimi." Tai grumbled as he massaged his blistered ankles.
"I've lived in the Blubber-Stitch Domain all my life. There's another way out of here by the food storage. It's not to far from here. If we hurry we can make it before they send other Orgs after us." Matt exclaimed.
"Ok." Mimi said shifted Homo into a more comfortable position for her to carry him.
"I'd carry him, but I'd feel weird holding a gay man." Tai said, "by the way is he conscious?"
Mimi saw that Homo was just coming around so she punched him in between the eyes as hard as she could.
"Nope."
The three teenagers ran up the mountain following Matt's lead to the food storage. The sun was just beginning to set on the horizon in the west. If they didn't hurry, it would be to dark for them to go anywhere. As they rounded a corner, they bumped into Sora.
"Hey, I was looking for you guys. Why are you running this way?" She said when she saw them.
"The path that leads to the exit is blocked. There is another exit by the food storage." Matt said.
"I saw the food storage on my way here. It's the cave full of bagged mushrooms, right?" She asked.
"Yeah, it's heavily guarded though, so your magic will come in handy." Matt said. They continued up the winding twisting path. At one point along the hike Sora asked what had happened while she was gone. She said she had noticed some "brown fireworks". When she asked what they were, none of the others said anything too clearly. Sora took the hint when Tai pointed at the shit stains in Matt's blond hair.
When they reached the food storage, they saw it was surrounded by a bunch of Blubber-Stitch soldiers. They were equipped with swords, shields, and they used polka-dot underwear for helmets.
"If we can get past them, the exit is at the end of a tunnel in the food storage cave." Matt whispered.
"It'll be no use, there are guards at the end of the tunnel as well." The four people blinked in surprise and stared at the person that had spoken. Homo was conscious again (despite the big purple bruise on his forehead.)
"Wait, wait, don't hurt me!" He squealed. Mimi was about to whack him over the head with a rock she had found, but she paused to listen to him.
"I've decided to help you guys. There is a secret exit on the other side of the mountain, you can get there by crossing through that ravine." He said, pointing to a rather steep and dark canyon.
"Yeah right Homo, how do we know you're not leading us right into a trap?" Mimi questioned.
"You have to believe me! At first I never wanted to help you, but then I saw how well you danced, and I was just so proud of you! You're the best student I've ever had! When I was younger, I thought that money, power, and sex with men would lead me to happiness. But when I saw you dance, and when I saw the Orgs explode into giant pieces of crap, I realized that my true happiness comes from watching my students perform the dances that I have taught them!" He said this with true sincerity in his voice. He spoke from his heart so much that Matt almost started crying, but Mimi didn't become an ASS Investigator by being deceived.
"Bullshit Homo." She said, and proceeded to hit him with the rock.
"I swear it, please believe me!" Homo screamed passionatly, "I swear it on, on that nice boy over there. By the way that's some nice piece of ass!" He exclaimed pointing at Tai.
Sora put her hand on Mimi's shoulder, "Let's trust him this time Mimi. We don't have much choice, besides, what can a gay dance instructor do to us?"
Mimi sighed. She put down the rock and let Homo go.
"But I'm warning you!" Sora said glaring at Homo, her eyes were stone cold. "One wrong move and I'll permanently seal your asshole shut!"
Homo gulped. He nodded and understood, "Ok sweethearts follow me, I'll get you out of here!"
They didn't even take three steps when a woman ran out of the food storage cave and stopped in front of our heroes with Haywood and a band of angry Orgs.
It was Sandy, "Homo, you traitor. I knew I should never have trusted a gay man in a pink leotard! Get them!" The Orgs lumbered towards a very terrified Homo.
"Run!" Tai yelled and the five of them bolted towards the food storage. Sandy, Haywood and the Orgs followed them. Matt led the way through the rows and rows of bagged mushrooms.
"Hurry!" He panted, the bowling balls slapped at his ankles as he ran, and he felt like was going to collapse at any minute.
"They're gaining on us! The polka dot headed guards are coming after us-hey, that guard is cute!" Homo said winking at the angry guard with polka-dot underwear over his head.
"You guys hide, I'll take care of them." Sora said. She stopped running and turned around to face the guards, who stopped in their tracks. Surprised more than anything to see one girl attempt to take on a small army.
Sora breathed deeply and, with great effort, began to cast a spell.
"Get away from her!" Sandy and Haywood screamed, "She's a sprite!" It was too late. Sparks flew from Sora's fingers and landed on the heads of the soldiers wearing polka-dot underwear. The underwear came to life and clamped down over their owners' necks. Giving them a permanent wedgie.
The soldiers screamed terrified. They ran around in circled bumping into each other and bashing their heads furiously against the wall trying to get the underwear off. But they knocked themselves out at the same time. Sora took this as an opportunity to hide as well.
In the meantime Matt had found four empty bags. They were labeled dogs, cat, potatoes, and the last one was blank. Tai and Sora crawled into the one labeled dogs, Mimi got into the one labeled cat, Matt got into the one labeled potatoes, and Homo climbed into the blank one.
Haywood came by the four bags and looked around.
"Alright you flimsy faggot where are you?" He asked. He kicked the bag labeled dogs. Tai and Sora barked.
"Stupid dogs." Haywood muttered under his breath. He turned around and kicked the bag labeled cat. Mimi meowed like a cat, fully deceiving Haywood.
"Then you guys must be in this one!" Haywood yelled triumphantly as he kicked the bag labeled potatoes.
"Potatoes!" Matt said.
At this point Haywood was very angry. Everybody, especially Matt, had been able to conceal his or her self very well. Finally, in a fit of rage, he kicked the blank bag with all of his might.
Homo farted.
"No, Sandy. Everything is fine here. The kids must have run off somewhere else." Haywood said turning around to leave.
"Find them!" She screamed.
After about a minute and a half, Haywood stopped to think, "Hey wait a minute, since when do potatoes talk? Hey! Come back here!" The kids bolted out of the bags and ran down the tunnel as fast as they could. Haywood took off after them, along with Sandy and the Orgs.
Despite the bowling balls, Matt and Tai had grown a lot stronger due to the Three Days in Hell test. Because of there extra strength they were able to run just a bit further without having cardiac arrest and keeling over right there on the spot.
"I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!" Tai yelled as he ran.
"NO!" Sora screamed, "Tai don't even think about dieing on me!"
"No, I really can see the light! The exit of the tunnel is right up there!" He yelled excitedly.
He was right. The mouth of the cave was just a few yards away, they could escape! However...
"Release the gate!" Sandy screamed. Before Tai knew what was happening, a huge chained gate came down with a crash blocking the path and sealing mouth of the cave.
"Crap!" Tai yelled.
"Please don't say that! I've had enough of that word for today." Mimi whined.
Sora was about to cast a spell that would smash the gate into a million pieces. But try as she could, she didn't have an ounce of magic left in her.
"I can't do it guys. I'm so sorry. I should have rested when I had the chance, now it'll take a few hours before my magic is recharged." She sighed in despair and sank to the floor.
"It's ok Sora, we all tried our best. You can't win them all I guess." Tai bowed his head in defeat and collapsed to the ground with Sora. He grabbed the gate and shook it furiously. This wasn't fair, everything had been going so well for them.
"I give up. There's no hope for escape. Despite all our efforts we've failed. I'm sorry Kari, I'm sorry King. Everybody I'm sorry. I couldn't do it. I couldn't stop Operation Rip Apart." He said this as he buried his face in his hands.
"You fought well. I didn't think you would make it this far...Losers!" Sandy said. She finished the statement by laughing like a hyperactive chicken.
"I can't believe it! How can you just give up like this? It's not like you to surrender so easily Tai!" Mimi said in disbelief, "I don't know about you guys, but there's no way I'm giving up after having come this far!"
She turned to face the gate that was blocking her escape. She could see the sky through the tiny squares that made up the chain gate. The sky was tinted red, which could only mean that the sun was setting. She had one hope left. She put her fingers to her mouth and whistled as hard as her could.
"What are you doing, no one can help you now." Sandy said evilly. She told the Orgs to kill them all. She didn't want to spare any survivors because they were more trouble than they were worth.
"Help!" Mimi yelled as an Org was about to smash her head open with a silver mallet.
Suddenly an earsplitting scream was heard. The sun was blocked by a huge shadow and the figure of an enormous bird appeared overhead.
"Get out of the way!" Matt yelled. The bird flapped his wings furiously causing a mini hurricane. The strong wings dislodged the heavy gate and it came crashing down right on top of Sandy Buttocks.
"Ouch! Haywood get this stupid thing off of me! Orgs, don't let the kids get away!" She barked out orders as the Orgs scrambled to equip themselves with bows and arrows.
The bird landed in the cave with the force of an earthquake, Mimi caught a glimpse of the familiar face:
"Fido!" Mimi squealed, "I knew you would come! Quickly guys, get on!" She didn't have to tell them twice, Tai and Matt had already scrambled up on to the Phoenix's back.
"You won't get away, my archers are stationed all over the mountain. They'll shoot your colorful parrot right out of the sky!" Sandy spat. She didn't like losing, and she was going to make sure she didn't.
Sora looked at the mountain. There were thousands of archers. They were already firing their arrows. There was no way Fido was going to make it. The sky was filled with arrows! It was going to be like flying through a blizzard without being hit by a snowflake! Unless...
"Mimi! Homo!" Sora screamed, "All of the archers are Orgs!"
"So what...oh!" Homo understood. He got in place beside Mimi and they made sure that every Org on that mountain could see them.
"Hurry!" Tai screamed. An arrow whizzed by and barely hit his shoulder.
Homo looked at Mimi and smiled evilly, "Show me what you've learned sweetie." He said. At that, both Mimi and Homo began dancing like there was no tomorrow. Mimi spun, Homo skipped, they twirled and flipped through the air looking drunk, high, and hyperactive all at the same time.
When they finished, nobody wanted to stay to see what would happen next.
"Let's get out of here!" Mimi screamed. She hopped up on Fido with Homo close behind her. Fido spread his wings and shot up into the sky. If they had taken off any later, they would have been hit by a bunch of crap that was already flying around due to the explosion of the first Org.
Once they were high enough in the air, they witnessed something amazing and horrifying. First an Org in the food storage cave exploded. Then another, and another. And soon, the explosions spread like wildfire. Shit flew everywhere. Enormous pieces of crap stuck together and hit the side of the mountain like missiles. Poop shot around at incredible speeds. It seemed as if the mountain had erupted and it was spewing shit. The Orgs had all become bombs.
"Whew, I'm glad we got ourselves out of that one!" Mimi sighed.
"Same here, we better go back to Ti. Tai and Matt have the last part of the test to take you know." Sora said. The boys didn't say anything, but it looked like Matt's eyes
turned red.
"Hey Sora." Tai said after a while, "Is Homo staring at my ass?" He said suddenly scared.
Sora suppressed a giggle and straddled his waist, "Don't worry I'll protect you." She said after bursting out laughing.
Matt laughed too and rolled his eyes. The he focused on the setting sun and thought about the test that would await him tomorrow. Little did he know, that he and Tai had already taken it.
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Yeah another chapter done! Sorry if it was a little short, but the shorter they are the quicker I can update them.
I bet all of you are brimming with anticipation. The next chapter will be called, Farts-o-Fire. And I promise I I'll lay off the poop jokes next time.
Review please! I love reviews, it's a crime if you've read the fic but haven't reviewed!
I'll update soon, I promise. Bye.
