A PERSONAL NOTE
Wow. How long has it been since the last time I updated. Over a year. Yeah that's a long time. I even thought about quitting for a while, hence the long wait. It's not that I don't like writing this strange little tale. I love it, and I'm very grateful for the support all you guys have given me (you know who you are).
I stopped writing the fic because my life isn't very hilarious right now, and the humorous ideas that came so naturally before just stopped coming. It was like searching for water in an empty well, and if I tried to write this fic in a sad state of mind, it would have been horrible. So I guess it might have been a good thing that I stopped for a while.
But, I'm not giving up, or slacking off. You people aren't going to get rid of me that easily. A break from writing and a fantastic summer were the perfect medicine to pick up my spirits. So I re-read this warped creation, and I found the funny side of me in it again (along with a bunch of spelling and grammatical errors)
So, since I'm not the kind of person that likes to leave unfinished fics hanging, here I am! Like it or not, I'm going to finish this bad-boy, and then I'm probably going to do a sequel, and then write some other weird parody and defile some other perfectly innocent show.
So don't any of you think for a minute that I'm quitting or backing out. This is just the beginning. And if you people thought that the previous chapters were funny...(*insert evil maniacal laughter here*)
END OF PERSONAL NOTE
Ok, this suspense filled story is drawing to its...err...suspense filled conclusion! Expect lots of laughs. Anyhow, remember to review, blah, blah, blah, you know the drift.
Disclaimer: Guess you're tired of hearing this too. Digimon is not mine, belongs to Toei animation and a few other people. However plot and other characters in this fic have been spawned by my twisted mind.
Are you people still awake? The fic is going to start now, no really, it is.
Lucky number 13...
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Chapter 13
Farts-o-Fire
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A/N-Before I start, there are some people I should thank. To Yamamoto Kou, who for some strange reason put me on his favorite authors list and to LadyApocalymon, who reviewed this strange fic when I was in a slump and boosted my spirits. Thanks. These are just two of the many, but this goes out to all who have reviewed um... Thank you!
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"Is there being any particular reason you people are being covered in Org droppings or is this being some sort of trend that you hooligans are following." Professor Schmuck told the band of crap-stained teenagers as they made their way into the meeting hall.
The meeting hall in Ti was the center of diplomatic treaties and of carefully planned war strategies. Except for the palace of Tie, this was the most important room of the entire kingdom. Besides governmental uses and the like, this room was also used to celebrate special occasions. It was currently being used as the location of a pig spleen spitting contest, to commemorate the first time a piglet was hacked up in the kingdom. Due to the dire circumstances, our heroes were allowed to assemble in the meeting room as long as they didn't get in the way of the party goers who were happily ripping out the organs of the poor piggies and spitting their spleens.
Everybody was there. Tai, Matt, Sora, Mimi, and Homo who had returned by way of Mimi's Phoenix from the Blubber-Stitch Domain, which was now in very crappy condition, in all senses of the word. Tk, Kari, and Izzy who had been working on the creation and duplication of the Gas-X weapon where also there and eager to show off what Izzy had come up with. The three professors Luck, Schmuck, and the other one who had aided Izzy in his weapon making where also very excited. Finally, General Butt-Cheeks, the harsh, whip-cracking, general of the Knights of the Round Table of Ty, and her colleague, General Judith "Sourbutts" (dubbed so because she had a lemon lodged up her ass) were seated at the head of a long table. They were all there, waiting anxiously for the important facts Mimi had discovered while in the domain of the Blubber-Stitch and the story involving Tk and Harry Penis.
"As you all know, the Orgs have been planning Operation Rip Apart for a long time," Mimi began, "their goal is to completely destroy this kingdom with the destructive power of their farts."
"And they had planned extremely well for it too," Tk jumped in, "you see, my brother and I are both heirs to the throne of Ty, but we were kidnapped by Harry Penis while we were very young. His dream was to remove the heirs to the throne of the kingdom so that once Operation Rip Apart destroyed it, the remaining survivors would have nobody to lead them. With the kingdom in shambles, Harry hoped to seize power and unite the Kingdom of Ty and the Kingdom of the Rancid-Orgs. With such power, Aros and Ju-Ju-Hick would also have fallen, and he would have become ruler of the world."
General Sourbutts spoke up, her voice was so deep it sounded like a male gorilla during mating season, "So you and that other kid over their," she pointed at Matt, "are the rightful heirs to the throne? We've found the missing princes! Now all we have to do is kill that goddamn Penis and-"
Kari interrupted, she had been impatient to speak since she walked into the room, "It's already been taken care of! Tk killed Harry Penis two nights ago. And I found the missing princes for the record."
General Butt-Cheeks jumped out of her chair, "you mean to tell me that that little shrimp took on the meanest Org in all existence and killed him! You kids are amazing! And he didn't even take Three Days in Hell!" Tk blushed.
General Sourbutts shifted in her seat so that the lemon didn't bother her too much, then she turned to her colleague and said, "what exactly did these kids accomplish, it seems to me that they've done incredible things."
"Well," General Butt-Cheeks began, she beamed proudly at Tai and Matt, "The first one is a Knight of the Round Table of Ty, the other one is just some loser."
"Hey!" Matt protested, but she continued.
"Both of them have passed Three Days in Hell and together they're going to command the Knights, under my orders of course, in an attack against the Orgs."
"But General Butt-Cheeks!" Kari cut in, "Tai and Matt only did two trials of Three Days in Hell. They still have one more trial to go!"
Both Tai and Matt shot her a look that could kill.
"You're right. But these two are an exception. They've already proven themselves in my eyes. While they were undergoing the second part of my examination, it came to their knowledge that their friends," she pointed to Mimi and Sora, "were in trouble in the Blubber-Stitch Domain. Even with bowling balls chained to their feet, they went to their friends' aid, and as you can see, returned safely. All of my Knights know that the greatest deed of all is putting one's life on the line for a friend. These two boys learned that lesson before finishing Three Days in Hell, so they don't have to complete it.
"But don't get any ideas!" She glared at Tai and Matt who had both put on a pompous look on their faces, "tomorrow it's back to washing toilet bowls with your tongues!"
The pompous look faded quickly.
"What about that girl?" General Sourbutts looked at Mimi, "My spies have intercepted reports from the Blubber-Stitch and she seems to be the most wanted criminal there with a reward of $10,000,000,000."
"Well, I'm sure she can fill you in on that little anecdote." General Butt-Cheeks said, "But what I know is this. Mimi here is an ASS Investigator, and an incredibly good one at that (strange for such a stuck-up airhead). She was able to discover the connection between Harry Penis and Homo. She found out that Homo's folk dances cause Orgs to go into chronic crapping disorder, which will prove very useful in the plan we're devising. She was captured by Sandy Buttocks but managed to escape with help from her friends, and I'm sure she's eager to share with us what she found out about that foul woman.
"Mimi also has a Holy Phoenix in her possession, which is how they're able to fly across the Kingdom with relative ease."
"How did she get a Holy Phoenix?" General Sourbutts asked surprised.
"Me, me! Talk about me!" Sora squealed excitedly.
"Mimi acquired the Phoenix in the haunted woods of despair, where the other girl, Sora, vanquished the evil Phoenix with her magic." General Butt-Cheeks explained.
"She did what!" General Sourbutts gasped, "That's incredible!!" She looked at Sora, "Do you have any idea how powerful your magic must be if you could destroy an evil Phoenix? Thousands of powerful warriors have ventured into that forest before you people have, and nobody has ever come back! Your power must surpass that of all other sprites!" Suddenly, an astonishing thought crossed General Sourbutts's mind, "Sora, you must be the Last Epsilon!"
"Huh?" Sora said confused.
General Butt-Cheeks twirled to face General Sourbutts with an incredulous yet excited look on her face, "You can't be serious!"
"What is you people being talking about?" Professor Luck asked, finally interested in the conversation.
"What's the Last Epsilon?" Tai asked.
General Sourbutts tried to contain her excitement, "It's... no, I shouldn't tell you now. We have more important things to worry about. If you wish to know you should go see the Prophesy Mage, located in Orsa, on the western edge of the Kingdom of Aros. After Operation Rip Apart is taken care of. But I can't tell you about it now."
(A/N- and neither can I, so at least I'll have some sort of cliff-hanger at the end of the chapter.)
"Well," General Butt-Cheeks said after Sora's protests had stopped, "I believe Mimi had something to tell us about Sandy Buttock's (bitch) plans and how it all ties in too Operation Rip Apart."
"Right," Mimi said, "It seems to me that the Orgs and the Blubber-Stitch are just a bunch of backstabbers. They've been co-operating closely together getting ready for Operation Rip Apart, and they both set up places for Matt and Tk to stay after the boys were kidnapped. But Sandy told me that once Operation Rip Apart takes place, she will defeat the Orgs and claim the Kingdom of Ty to herself."
"How the hell is she (bitch) going to do that?" General Butt-Cheeks asked skeptically.
"She didn't say, but I wouldn't underestimate her abilities. She's got err... patient spies working for her as well as an army of soldiers with polka-dot underwear helmets. She's also got an Org army of her own. Or at least she did before Homo and I caused them to go into chronic crapping disorder."
General Butt-Cheeks nodded, "Speaking of which, we should really discuss the plan-" She was interrupted by an ear-splitting sound and a quake that shook the room so violently one of the pig spleen spitters fell and began gagging.
"What on earth was that!" General Sourbutts yelled, "Earthquake?"
"Let's go outside and see." Yelled Tai.
"Not a good idea to go outside in the middle of an earthquake." Tk said crouching under the table.
"It's not an earthquake." Shouted Tai who was already outside, "Look!"
Everyone stepped over the man choking on pig spleen and scrambled outside to see what Tai was pointed at.
What seemed to be a green missile made out of gas was flying at amazing speeds. It missed Ti by a couple of miles and crashed into the mountain adjacent to the one Tai and the others were on. The sound was deafening. Almost everyone had to cover their ears from the crackling rumble coming from the mountain. Rocks and boulders flew everywhere and the impact caused an avalanche of rocks to roll down and smash into Butt-Crack Canyon.
Once the dust cleared and they could see the mountain again, Mimi asked, "Was that Operation-" She didn't finish. Three other green, gaseous missiles flew by this time missing Ti completely. But it wasn't Ti the missiles were aimed at. They rocketed east and almost disappeared out of sight. Then about ten seconds later they could here a faint sound and the shockwave from the three consecutive explosions made the ground shake all the way up to Ti.
Everybody waited in anxious terror, but no other missiles followed the previous four.
"Those were farts." General Sourbutts said solemnly, "powerful and super-condensed. I don't think Operation Rip Apart has started yet, the Orgs are probably just testing the power of their farts."
"But those explosions, the three missiles..." Sora said worriedly.
"Those three probably hit Tei." Mumbled General Butt-Cheeks.
Tei was Ty's major city of trade. The city was located at the eastern edge of the Kingdom of Ty. It was an important stop for merchants, hookers, and drug dealers trading on the routes that led to the desert far out east. The food that came into the Tei accounted for 30% of the Kingdom's food. Without it, many people would go hungry.
"If Tei is destroyed, what will happen to our food supply?" Tai asked. Food of course, was always very high on his list of priorities.
"I-I really don't know." General Butt-Cheeks said. For the first time she portrayed a look of worry on her face.
"The king must know about this!" Tk said.
"Messengers will tell him, if he didn't here the explosion already. Tie is closer to Tei then we are. More importantly, we really have to get our plan into action. We have very little time-" Another interruption stopped General Butt-Cheeks. More farts, four this time. One of them hit the military training grounds. They were standing just half a mile away from the grounds, on the other side of the city. Another huge explosion followed, this time knocking them all off their feet. The sound was even more deafening so close, and in the midst of it all they saw a wall with pretty glass windows fly up in the air (along with a cow, a few shoes, and an old lady selling coconuts) and burst into flames. The shockwaves from the explosion caused another avalanche to form right underneath them, and more rocks tumbled into Butt-Crack Canyon.
"That wall, the fart must have gotten one of the churches used for funeral masses for people that die during Three Days in Hell." General Sourbutts said getting back to her feet.
The other three farts zoomed past Ti and headed north-east. They heard another explosion, but couldn't see anything because it occurred in back of them and the mountain was blocking their view.
"Oh my word. Those farts must have hit Te!" Mimi exclaimed.
Everybody gasped. Te was Ty's agricultural center. It was also responsible for all the alcoholic beverages that the Kingdom consumed.
Tai was fuming with rage, "THAT'S THE LAST F***ING STRAW!! NOBODY BLOWS UP MY BEER AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!!"
"I completely agree, we have no time to waste," General Butt-Cheeks said, "Here's the plan..."
***
A very mean and ugly Org was tearing through a cannonball (lunch) when the second avalanche of rocks fell down Butt-Crack Canyon and demolished his house.
"Dammit! Why does that keep happening!" This Org was the second in line under Harry Penis. He was put in charge of Operation Rip Apart since Tk disposed of Mr. Penis. This other Org was a lot meaner and stronger than Harry was, but not quite as smart. Hence the fact he wasn't able to figure out that if he broke up mountains on top of him the rocks would come crumbling down.
He picked up his cannonball with his teeth alone and brought it to the Orgs that he had stationed on elevated ground in the canyon. They were the ones who had unleashed the farts that destroyed Tei, Te, and the church in the training grounds of Ti. The Org dropped the cannonball he was carrying in his mouth and said, "Ok men, we're done here. Operation Rip Apart will be splendid. Now go eat some more beans and tell the other soldiers to start stationing themselves. I want everybody in battle positions!"
"Yes sir, Strongtooth!" One Org said, and ran off to follow his orders.
Strongtooth was his nickname. He chose it partly because his teeth were strong, and partly because he didn't like his given name. His sister's name was Misty Hymen. His name was Rusty... Rusty Hymen.
"Oh wait!" Stongtooth called after one of the Orgs.
"What is it Strongtooth?"
"I've heard reports from Sandy, she said that the kids have got a Phoenix."
"Say what!"
"Yeah, the only way they could have gotten it was from the haunted woods of despair."
"What's your point." The Org that was conversing with him was just about as smart as he was (most Orgs can't use words with more than one syllable). The other Org was Strongtooth's sister, Misty.
"My point is that," he lowered his voice to whisper, "I think the Last Epsilon is with them."
"WHAT!"
"Shh! If that's true, we're all in trouble. But I think it would be a perfect way to avenge Harry's death if we were to kill the Last Epsilon!"
"Is this where I come in? You want me to kill the Last Epsilon, are you out of your mind!?"
"No, no, no, just find out who it is- and bring her here! Chances are the Last Epsilon won't know she is the Last Epsilon."
"I'll do what I can, but I can't promise you anything. I mean... You know, this is the Last Epsilon we're talking about."
"Alright, go fart your way up there. By the way, that last fart was awesome! I bet Te is in shambles!"
"Thanks. Ok, I'm off."
"Remember, the Last Epsilon is a female, and she's able to make herself invisible. Find her and bring her here, and if worse comes to worse, kill her."
"Ok."
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Oh-oh, what's gonna happen now? What is General Butt-Cheeks's plan. What and who is the Last Epsilon. What are Misty and Rusty Hymen up to? I know and you guys don't (*more evil laughter here*)
I realize that this chapter might not have been as funny as the others, but the plot has to advance somehow. I think the next chapter will be up in a year. Ha ha ha, just kidding, probably up next week. And it's gonna be much funnier too. I'm on a roll now.
So how was it? Are you all dying with anticipation? Yeah, you know you guys are!
So remember to review. Lots and lots of reviews are a very good thing. Bye.
