Genre: Shonen-ai; Angst, Drama, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Un-betaed
Pairings listed on the bottom of the page.
Weak & Strong
By Dementia_12
I wanted Haruko to be the last.
The last one to make my heart leap into my throat, making me feel like the
luckiest man in the world.
But then I met you.
And you made me feel weak and strong all at once...
But you didn't want me.
You patronized me, laughed with me, smiled at me with your eyes gleaming brightly of humour and intellect. And I mistakenly thought you might look at me with love in your eyes someday.
I confessed to you, my love shared to you almost shyly. I spoke it quietly, a secret just for you to know.
And at my words, your face became frozen for an eternal moment. It became serious, became sad, and sympathetic.
You told me that we were not meant to be, that my hands would not know how it felt to touch you, to embrace you warmly in the heat of my affection for you.
No...because you didn't love me. You just didn't.
And there is really nothing more I can say about that. Nothing that would let you know how I hurt that day. How I made myself pathetically play it off as a joke. How I left nary thirty seconds after because my face had turned to stone and I had not wanted you to see me crack into rubble.
That day, I had wished that I had a picture of you. I wanted to be able to scream and rant at it, weep over it and beg for your image to love me because all my heart knew now was you.
But you just didn't love me.
Days after, eyes rimmed red with shameful bouts of crying, I could feel myself hardening. I was distancing myself from the world.
It finally felt like the last straw.
How many times could I finally offer myself - my heart? - before enough is enough?
Sendoh...you were the final one to count.
*****
Do'aho...what happened to you?
You walk around with a constant tension in your shoulders; your brown eyes look haunted by ghosts...
What happened?
I know I'm not the only one to have noticed. When you take a break to get a drink or turn your head away, looking lost, everyone looks concerned. And no one knows what to do to help you...
Especially me.
And I do want to help you, though you would never accept any assistance from me.
I would think you'd be glowing from the attention that Akagi girl has been giving you lately, but you're not. It's amazing, really. You even passed her by once when she was waving at you, lost in a haze in your head.
Suffice to say, knowing you and your obvious crush on that girl, I was bewildered. What had happened to you that had left you feeling so...I don't know...despondant? Dispirited?
...Dead inside...like me.
God help you, if that much is true.
God help me.
Because you were the only one who ever made me feel alive.
And you weren't returning, not the you I know.
The life you brim with each and everyday didn't - wasn't - surfacing.
You barely even pick fights with me anymore. I never thought that would ever happen yet here it was - and that worried me more than anything else.
I watched you change.
I wanted it to stop.
In my nights, I dwell on you. I think how you've become my worst nightmare.
My love is in ruins.
If only I knew why...
And now when I slept, I slept fitfully. I had always thought of you but you've started to invade my dreams. You walk across vast plains, feet dragging and face grey. The light from the world is gone and you are there, my broken sun.
I touched you but you didn't care.
And I kissed you and still, you didn't care.
I shook you, tried to break you from your desolation.
But nothing rattled you.
You didn't care about anything or about me.
What could make you strong again?
The answer came about a month later.
Practice was nearly over. The bleachers had a smattering of fans cheering and clapping encouragingly to any good play while the Rukawa Kaede Fan club shouted their love to the amusement and annoyance of others.
Then, at one point, a masculine voice called out clearly,
"Put some effort into it, Sakuragi!"
A couple of players looked over to look at who was the owner of the voice, including me. I was somewhat surprised to see that it was Akira Sendoh, a familiar face from a rival team...who was shouting for Hanamichi...
I shifted my gaze to the red head and was startled and disturbed by his expression. His face had paled, and his eyes were a storm of what looked to be an old, remembered sadness and confusion. It was...the same look he had when he was thinking, reflecting on whatever had leached the energy out of his days.
Sendoh...Sendoh was to blame.
But in what way?
The first thought in my head disarmed me, and I only think it occurred to me because of my own feelings for Hanamichi but...
It couldn't be... romantically, could it? No. Of course not. Even if he did have eyes for someone other than Akagi's sister, why would he pick Sendoh?Sendoh's not...he's not...
Anything like me.
I know that I am boring holes into Hanamichi's head with my stare but I crave an explanation. I need one right now. I refuse to let this plague me any further.
I don't want to have to mash in another piece of the puzzle in hopes that it fits. I want the whole picture and I want it right now. Under my scrutiny, I watched Hanamichi look away from Sendoh with an almost imperceptible swallow. We all returned to the game but my eyes never left his face.
Were his eyes a little brighter? Did his jumps take him higher? Was he beginning to glow with life again because Sendoh had hollered at him? In my possessive frame of mind, the answer was yes, yes, yes.
Because of Sendoh.
A sick feeling stirred in my gut and my throat tightened.
Because of
Sendoh...
No, I have to be wrong. Hanamichi and Sendoh never...dated. I would've noticed... But...how else could have Sendoh affected Hanamichi so completely? I know he's the reason for Hanamichi being the way he is right now.
Sendoh and.…Hanamichi.
Practice is over.
Good timing.
I think I'll head over to where Sendoh
is and break his jaw.
Sounds like a plan.
I look at the ceiling lights of the gymnasium and slow my respiration, trying
to calm myself though I know I look typically placid
on the outside. I can
feel the vein in my temple beating quickly, my eyes stinging against the
light.
I'm waiting.
I have to see.
Hanamichi brushed the sweat off his forehead and the recent aura of
melancholy and tension he had come to bear exuded itself more strongly. He's
wary, I can see.
Bu he does it. Does what I waited for.
He approaches Sendoh.
Sendoh stands up as Hanamichi reached him and they talk quietly for a minute, having a stilted conversation by my judgement. Hanamichi's eyes are wavering, moving from Sendoh and back again like he thinks it's a dream or something.
I'm staring. I know it and I don't care. If they can see past one another,
they'll see me, ask each other what I'm looking it, then shrug me off. It's as
simple as all that.
Because I don't matter to either of them.
To Hanamichi.
I watch as Hanamichi nods once to Sendoh and hurries to the locker room to shower and change. Sendoh sits...he's waiting for Hanamichi.
I approach Sendoh and he smiles briefly at me, not as easily as he once did.
I have no qualms about being blunt so without greeting him, I ask, "Why are you here?"
He smirks at me, and I am forced again to see how different we are. I can tell what he's thinking about just by the looks on his face. His current expression is saying 'How typical of that cold Rukawa to just jump into a conversation without even saying 'Hello' first.
Yeah, that's me.
Now give me my answers, Kisama.
"I'm here to see Hanamichi." Sendoh responds and I can feel my posture
straighten.
"Why?" I pursue, as verbally efficient as ever. Sendoh regards me
curiously.
"Why what?"
"Why are you here to see him?" I am becoming frustrated. I just want to get
to the root of it as quickly as possible.
"What? Are you Hanamichi's chaperon all of a sudden? You don't even like the guy." Sendoh smiles at me, inviting me to share his humour when all I want to do is hit him.
I have to say it. I have to ask.
"What did you do to Hanamichi to upset him so much?"
Now he's suspicious of me, wondering where all these questions of mine are coming from, wondering why I care in the first place.
"It's a little personal, Rukawa. I don't think you want to know."
I am on the verge of violence for the answers
Sendoh is evading me.
"Tell me right - "
Hanamichi enters and stops at his eyes dart from me to Sendoh. My heart beats
a little faster because it is the first time he has looked at me in days, even
if it is because of Sendoh. I suppose I look imposing because his eyebrows drop
angrily and he looks to Sendoh. "Let's go." he says, ignoring me completely.
Sendoh nods and bids me good-bye, though I'm sure he knows I meant to threaten
him before Hanamichi made his impromptu interruption. And before they leave,
Hanamichi turns to his head to look at me over his shoulder with an expression
that threatened the well-being of my heart severely. It was a look of
possession, of anger and jealousy. It was the look he had given me once before
when he had learned of that Akagi girl's puppy love for me but now it was fives
times as more deadly because of so many more reasons.
He...he...
And it was then I knew I was right.
Somehow, Hanamichi and Sendoh were romantically linked.
He...loved Sendoh.
The gym was empty. I could hear the dull laughter and chatter coming from behind the locker room doors drowning out by the sound of my accelerating heartbeat.
Too fast...too fast...
Oh god, he doesn't want me. He'll never want me.
He...he wants
Sendoh. I can't believe it. He loves Sendoh...no... no.
I lost my chance even before I had it.
I don't remember leaving the gym but then I was in a bathroom stall, sitting on a toilet with my face buried in my hands.
Hanamichi...Hanamichi...Hanamichi....
Something is building inside of me...I..I...
Oh...god...
My eyes are squeezed tight. I'm shaking.
What's wrong with me? Did I really care that much?
...I can't breathe...I can't cry...I'm choking on my...my. .
Oh god.
I love him.
I didn't know I was that far gone, but it's true.
And now I'm crying.
God help me for loving Sakuragi Hanamichi.
[To be continued…]
Notes: RuHana, HanaSen
