***** = indicates a change in POV, from either third person to first person.

Can the force of your suppressed emotions build in you to the point of insurgence? To the point where the glass of your eyes cracks and shatters at your feet, gushing forth precious feelings in feverish abandon?

My feelings for Hanamichi will crack a hole through me.

Life continued, because my flesh was stronger than the feelings in my heart. I could not will myself to succumb to the plane of desperation and pain I had been living, not even if I wanted to. Not the way I wanted to.

I was sure I would not be able to take it, going to school everyday and seeing Hanamichi five times a week. And with this challenge from Ryonan looming before me like a beast of burden, I'm not sure I can stand to contain myself any longer. My mind is trapped in that moment of time, seeing Hanamichi glare at me with his ardent eyes, glowing in his affection for that... fake... pretentious...undeserving...lucky son of a bitch.

Everything and nothing was in that moment - my life altered yet it was not enough.

How can I push on?

*****

The practice was getting heated and there was one minute left in the game. The sound of feet running across the court sounded like a stampede as the opposing team tried to make a fast break in order to stop Rukawa from scoring.

Hanamichi was already there, his almost inhuman speed earning him a position right under the net. Rukawa smirked at him in a quick millisecond as he met him there, his game face exhibiting nothing deeper than the need to win. The super rookie flew up in a graceful leap. The lights of the ceiling shone in his eyes and he knew it would go in.

Go.
Go.
Go!

A flash of darkness blocked his vision for a second and threatened to take him down but with a quick twist of his body, Rukawa tossed the basketball into the net before he was knocked down hard with a angry grunt.

The vehemence for competition quickly changed into a different kind of passion.

The time spent with Hanamichi on top of him felt stolen. It was such a silly, routine event to have another player fall and take down someone else but those few seconds would be such wonderful fodder for his dreams.

"Oi, Hanamichi! Are you ok? You're crushing Rukawa!" Ayako shouted with some concern for both players.

Hanamichi bounded off Rukawa in a flash, already up and shouting "Of course, the tensai is ok! The kitsune just got a lucky shot in!" He quickly ran off to the locker room with his hands shoved down his shorts , muttering to himself about how fox feet must be as lucky as rabbits feet.

Everyone quickly left the gym and eagerly went to hit the showers after such a hectic practice game. Rukawa got up as well, dusting his shorts for a moment before moving to follow them when he heard a jaunty shout from behind.

"Oi! Rukawa!"

Pale lips compressed into a tight line as he heard the voice calling for him. Hands fisted instinctively and as he slowly turned his head to see the unwanted visitor, he was met with a friendly smile.

"Good game, Rukawa."

Not bothering to respond with anything more than a heartfelt glare, Rukawa turned back to walk towards the locker room when he heard Sendoh say cheerfully, "I know you like him."

Spinning around with wide eyes, Rukawa charged at Sendoh and was in his face instantly.

"You don't know anything." Cold Prussian eyes flickered with antagonism at his rival. Sendoh blinked in surprise but his smile quickly returned.

"I can help you get him."

Thrash him.
Mash him.
Beat him to a pulp.

Rukawa took a deep breath to control himself. His emotions were jittering across his nerves and they were making him edgy and tense.

Ignoring the lack of response from Rukawa, Sendoh continued on as if unaware that he was risking Rukawa's wrath.

"I know that you like him but he likes me. But the good news is that I think he's starting to get over me. I think he's starting to see me as just a buddy again rather than a boyfriend. I've put some thought into it and I realized that you guys would make a great couple. Plus I want to see Hanamichi happy and you know what they say about there being a thin line between love and hate, right? What I'm saying is that we blur that line. What do you think?"

Great couple?
Blur the line between love and hate…?
These words…in this order…was it possible?

It was so unreal to hear them spoken aloud as if it was a real possibility that Sakuragi Hanamichi and Rukawa Kaede could be a couple...

If only…

"Hey, where did you go?" Rukawa felt himself being shaken and came back to reality. Shoving Sendoh back, he glared at the other boy.

"Do'aho."
"Well, what do you say?"
"I say, what do you get out of it?"

Sendoh smiled at him. It was the same kind of smile he would receive on the court before Sendoh executed a fake-out or something else he thought was clever. It brought Rukawa's ire back to life.

"Hanamichi's happiness."

Hanamichi charged out of the locker room just at that moment and saw the two star players together.

His eyes fell on Sendoh and a grin sprung out on his face.

"Oi, Smiley! Let's go!"

*****

There it is.

Surging.

Ready to spill, to dive and fall in ecstatic suicide.

What chance did I have when he shone that brightly for someone else, for that Sendoh? It felt like I was reliving that moment when I realized Hanamichi's feelings for him. I feel this suffocating hopelessness coil and writhing in my guts, in my spine, in my heart.

Don't. Don't Don't.

Don't stare at the sun.

I just watch Hanamichi as he ignores me completely, gaily babbling on and on to his crush. His smile is so sweet and bright and my restraint is leaving me. He's getting to me.

My eyes are burning.

Oh God.

He's got me…and I'm crying.

*****

Sendoh looks at Rukawa in alarm as he sees the tear track down his pale face.

Rukawa doesn't even seem to sense it. He's looking blankly at Hanamichi.

"Rukawa! What's wrong??"

Sendoh's worried inquiry finally gets Hanamichi to look towards the other boy and is shocked to see him crying.

"Kitsune??"

Watery blue eyes gained responsiveness then and Rukawa wiped away his tears with a casual, indifferent air. Without another word, he left the two other players and made his way to the locker room

Just as the door swung behind closed behind him, he heard Sendoh call to him.

"Rukawa, it'll be ok!"

*****

New tears surfaced as Rukawa walked on but he blinked them back as he fiddled with his lock, not hearing the jovial conversations of his team mates around him.

"No one knows," he thought as he quietly placed his things on the bench and went to take a shower.

Standing under the stream, the water beat down on his face and against his tenuous resolve. The shower masked the tears he let silently stream away into oblivion.

Despondent eyes falling closed with despair, Rukawa knew he was the only one to know.

For it was his truth alone.

Because for him, no one knows but him…

that it'll never be okay again.

[To be continued…]

Author's notes:

Hi! Thanks for reading so far! I'm determined to finish this story in this lifetime but as you can probably tell, I'm a very slow writer. I am the tortoise of the literary world. ^_^ But I hope you enjoyed it and please review! I want to make it Rukawa's story really. It may seem similar to the first chapter (but hopefully not) but I'm building Rukawa's feelings because I want to show how deeply this all means to him. ^_^

Please review! ^_^

And no flames! - if you do, I'll take the fire of your evil ways and set you on fire in a haphazard (yet altogether sinister fun for me) to clean your wickedness away! Catharsis! Have we learned nothing from Zetsuai? ;) Ja ne!