Summary – Is Billy going to be ANY help at all? Probably not.
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Bugging a Ranger
Tommy
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Walking along for what seems like hours, we've headed back into the forest again. "You know maybe we should go see the Caterpillar. He's supposed to know everything, purr-haps he knows how to get to the Red Queen and King." Stretching, Jason looks fairly indifferent about this suggestion, even though it's his, and in my opinion it's a very good one.
"Where would we find the all knowing Bil-err, Caterpillar?" If anyone in this place is still sane, it'd be Billy. The genius is far too smart to get sucked into this mindless dribble.
Pausing and looking around us, Jason finally takes my hand and leads me off of the path and into the trees. This is probably a really bad idea. Again as if reading my mind he stops monetarily to reassure me. "I know where the path is and I can easily find the way back, so don't fret over it dear boy. Now do you wish to see Caterpillar or no?" Sigh, guess I don't have much choice.
Nodding, we head off again deeper into the trees. It doesn't take very long at all before we come to a clearing that is full of the oddest-looking plants and flowers I've ever seen. "What are these?" Bending down to pick up one of the mushrooms, I'm almost immediately stopped by Jason.
"Shouldn't pick the Toadstools, it can be very hazardous." Oh, okay. Not even gonna ask how. Leaving the mushroom thing alone, I get up and walk a few more feet into the field before I see it. There, next to two very large Willow trees is an array of mushrooms as big as Jase and myself. And sitting on one of the bigger ones is none other then the Blue genius himself. Running over to him, I don't even get to say hi before he cuts me down with a very cold look.
"Who are you? Or better yet, what are you?" Billy, please, don't you know me? Come on, you were like my last hope here. Eyes not even really focusing on me, he continues to trace the pattern on the smoke bottle with his fingers.
"It's me, Tommy? Billy, don't you know me? Come on bro, please." Moving closer, I try to get him to actually look at me.
"How can I know you, when you haven't even told me who you are." But I just did! "Further more how can I be expected to believe you are who you say you are when clearly you don't know who you are anymore then I do?" What?
Sighing and sitting down on a rock, I try to keep from having a breakdown. "I don't understand what you mean." But then I don't understand what anyone means around here, so I guess I shouldn't feel so bad.
"Of course you don't." Putting the hookah into his mouth and drawing a breath from the bottle, he releases a blue smoke ring into the air. Well that's just great, you just go ahead and play smoke rings while we all die here.
Getting up, I move back to Jason. Forget it, we'll just have to find the palace on our own. Kinda figured we would. "Come on, let's go."
Staring, as if right through me, Billy blows another smoke ring before finally addressing me again. "Repeat 'You are Old Father William'." Stopping, I turn back to face him. Oh I actually remember that poem from the book! Go me! Okay, and I'm all happy about knowing the poem because…
"If I do, will you tell me how to get to the Red Queen?" There we go, lets play make a deal. Finally I have some control over what's happening here. Yeah, unless he says no, or gives you a nonsense answer like Zack did.
"Beggars can't be choosers and pieces can't be wholes, but choosers can be beggars and wholes can be pieces. It all really depends on how you put it together. Do you see?" I'm just gonna go over there and bang my head against a tree for a few minutes and then maybe I will. Drumming his fingers on the smoke bottle, he looks at me impatiently and it'd seem with a lot of annoyance.
"Yes, I see." Hey, I'm just gonna say what he wants to hear and that can be that.
"Good, then do as you're told not as you're asked." Meaning repeat the poem? Well we're gonna go with that, because right now I don't know what else to do.
"Okay." Clearing my throat and looking back at Jason for any kind of help, what a surprise he gives me none; I begin the poem as best I can remember it. (1)"You are old, Father William, the young man said, and your hair has become very white. And yet you incessantly stand on your head. Do you think at your age it is right? In my youth, Father William replied to his son, I feared I might injure my brain. But now that I am perfectly sure I have none, why I do it again and aga-"
"I should say so." What? Hey I'm reciting something here, everyone around here is rude. Zack tells me I need a haircut and called me a girl, Kim wanted me banned from the tea party, and now he's interrupting me when I doing something he asked me to do!
"Excuse me?" What did he mean by that anyway?
Looking bored, he waves his hand as if to dismiss me entirely. "I should say so, that you have no brain. Especially with the way you are telling the tale." When I can't even comment and just give him a look somewhere between shook and outrage, he snaps his fingers in my face. "Well go on with it then, I did not tell you to abandon the tale now did I. It's very rude to stop in the middle of something. You should always start at the end and stop at the beginning but never in the middle, unless of course you start in the middle that is."
Now I'm so confused, I don't even know if I have a reason to be mad anymore. "Um.. In my you...oh I already said that part..uh.. You are old, said the youth, as I mentioned before, and have grown most uncommonly fat. Yet you turned a back-somersault at the door, pray what is the reason for that? In my youth, said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, I kept all my limbs very supple. By the use of this ointment, one shilling a box, allow me to sell you a couple."
"That will suffice." I didn't do that bad, geez Billy, cut me a break. "You are dismissed now." Waving me off, he turns around and goes back to staring at the colorful plants. Wait just a goddamn minute here!
"It wasn't that bad. Well whatever, to each his own opinion I suppose. It doesn't matter, what matters is I get to the Red Queen's palace. Now will you please tell me the way, seeing as how I've done as you've asked and put up with your idiotic criticism?" Glaring up at him, I can feel my blood boil as he refuses to even turn around and acknowledge me now. That's it, I swear I am five seconds away from killing him or crying, I want to go home and I want my friends back, and I am tired of this stupid place, and these stupid characters, and this stupid costume, and-
"Tell him, or I'll claw your eyes out and feed them to the Jabberwock." Coming up beside me, Jason shows his nails. I didn't notice before, but they are in fact quite long and thick, looking more like claws then finger nails.
This actually seems to get Billy's attention. Turning back around and looking briefly at the claws, he makes a small thoughtful noise. "Well no need to be hostile. Keep your temper as I say. Well now, it's really quite simple you know, you can't get where you're going by going there, you have to go back to go forward, so the obvious answer would be to go back to the beginning and end where you started." I hate this place.
"Good." Turning to go, Jason begins leaving, as I'm still too horribly confused and shocked to follow. What did that mean? Jason's acting like Billy just answered the question of the universe and- "Come on." Taking my hand he leads me away from Billy and back through the woods.
Only once we're back on the path do I find my voice. "But he didn't say anything that made any sense!" Giving him pleading eyes, I beg him to tell me I'm right. This is ridiculous; you have to be insane to be sane around here!
"You upset too easily." Taking my hand again he leads me to a rock and sits me down. "Here, I know exactly what will make you feel better." Don't ask, don't ask, you don't want to know. Dashing off into the trees again he seems to want to abandon me now. Well that's just great. Fine, you know what I don't care anymore! We'll all just stay stuck here forever and then I'l-
"I told you we should have gone left! But you just had to go counterclockwise!" Oh lord what on earth now? Coming into the small clearing, Skull continues to yell and throw curses behind him. What the-
"No, I said go clockwise, you said counter that and go the up of it. Which is how you spoiled the rattle!" A few paces behind, Bulk now emerges. Jase, come back please? I mean as if this place wasn't insane enough let's just throw these two into the mix rig…wait a second.
"Excuse me." Standing up and blocking there path, I check out their clothes. Hmm, they look like sailor suits. Only except the white navy hats they're wearing red and yellow striped beanies. "Um hey, like no offense or anything but you all aren't supposed to be here. See you weren't in the opening act an all and so there's no logical reason or way for you two to be here now dressed as Tweedledum and Tweedledee."
Both exchanging quick looks, they seem at a momentary loss for what to do. Too bad it's only momentary. Grabbing my collar, Bulk glares at me. "Shh, you're not sticking to the script." Letting me go quickly and clearing his throat, he motions for Skull to stand beside him as I fall back to the ground on my butt.
Clearing his own throat, Skull stands completely erect and begins his lines. (2)"Mhmph, Tweedledum and Tweedledee agreed to have a battle. For Tweedledum said Tweedledee had spoiled his nice new rattle. Just then flew down a monstrous crow, as black as a tar-barrel. Which frightened both the heroes so, they quite forgot their quarrel."
Clapping sarcastically, and yes that is possible, I get up and brush myself off. "That was great, guys, really. Now will you kindly leave so I can get back to sulking?" When they both give me displeased looks, I let out a groan and dare ask. "What? What now?"
Reaching under his hat, Skull holds up a piece of paper with the words 'ask about Red Queen' written on them. I hate my existence.
"Fine, fine, I know I'm going to regret this but, can you tell me how to get to the Red Queen?" I swear whatever they say I know it's just going to tick me off. Where's Jase? I need him to threaten to claw their eyes out like he did, Billy.
Both shaking their heads, they 'tsk tsk' me. "Say please." Oh yeah definitely want their eyes clawed out.
"Please."
Grinning slyly at each other, they seemed determined to try me. "Say pretty please."
"How about I say that even though I'm in a dress I could still kick both of yer butts. And further more seeing as how we're alone in the woods, I wouldn't have to worry abut anyone finding any bodies." I'm not a happy camper right now, okay?
This time the exchanged look is one of worry. Good. "Um, well in that case, we'll tell you but you have to listen to our story first." Bulk I am not anywhere near in the mood for this!
Before I can protest though, Skull has taken it upon himself to go into the poem already. (3)"The sun was shining on the sea, shining with all his might. He did his very best to make the billows smooth and bright, and this was very odd because it was the middle of the night. The moon was-"
"Yes, yes, I've heard this before, it leads into the Walrus and the Carpenter's tale. I know. The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things. Of shoes, and ships, and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings, and why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings. I've heard it, then they eat the Oysters they tricked into leaving the sea." I have a headache. I mean I'm all for a little nonsense here and there, but this is too much.
Looking displeased by this, they shrug and begin walking away. "Well then if you know everything there is to know then we don't see why you need our to get you to the Red Queen." That said they head back into the trees.
"Back!" Coming up behind me, Jase hands me what looks like a bright green and blue cane...no folded up umbrella.
"What on Earth is this?" I know I really shouldn't have asked that.
Taking it back, he opens it up showing the bright colors and lacey trim running along the bottom. "A parasol. I figured you felt bad since you didn't have and every proper wom…um…person in a dress should have one. So here ya go." Giving it back to me, he seems more then pleased.
That's it, I'm finding the Jabberwock and feeding myself to it.
To be continued……….
(1)
"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head-
Do you think at your age it is right?"
" In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
"I feared I might injure my brain;
But now that I am perfectly sure I have none,
Why I do it again and again"
"You are old," said the youth, " as I mentioned before,
And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault at the door-
Pray what is the reason for that?"
"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
"I kept all my limbs very supple.
By the use of this ointment, one shilling a box,
Allow me to sell you a couple."
"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak-
Pray how did you manage to do it?"
"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."
"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
That your eye was a steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose-
What made you so awfully clever?"
"I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
Said his father; "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Now be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
Caterpillar makes Alice recite this in 'Alice in Wonderland'
(2.)
Tweedledum and Tweedledee
Agreed to have a battle.
For Tweedledum said Tweedledee
Had spoiled his nice new rattle.
Just then flew down a monstrous crow,
As black as a tar-barrel.
Which frightened both the heroes so,
They quite forgot their quarrel
Alice says this in 'Alice through the Looking Glass'
(3.) 'The Walrus and the Carpenter' is a three page poem so not gonna write all that out, but it's in Alice Through the Looking Glass' recited by the Tweedles.
