BROKEN WINGS
A FFVIII Fan Fiction
Chapter 8
The Road To Esthar


My head hurts.

Where am I? Hmm. Hard, uncomfortable bed. Smell of antiseptic. A hospital? Why am I in a hospital? And why does my head hurt so frickin' much?

Oh, yeah.

The X-ATM092. I remember now. Anda, Jilly and I fought, and lost to, the big, ugly hunk of metal. Where are they? Are they safe? I look around, but I am the only one in the room. Must be back in Balamb Garden. There's the insignia on the wall. The infirmary is totally empty, even Dr. Kadowaki seems mysteriously absent.

The sun pours in from the open window above my bed. The light stings my eyes, even as the salty sea air fills my lungs. How I've missed that smell. Salty ocean air has to be the sweetest smell there is. Well, second maybe to hot dogs of course. Hotdogs are still a gift from the heavens, and in thinking about them, I can almost taste their delicious, salty flavor. And right now, I'd give my best pair of gloves for a hotdog. I'd sell my soul.

Tentatively, I climb from the bed, anxious to find out what happened to my comrades. Hot needles of pain sear through my bare feet as they touch the cold floor. My legs are weak, but I can walk, I think. "Dr. Kadowaki?" I call but there's no answer.

I'm alone. Woohoo. Time to escape.

I must use the walls and furniture to support myself. As I reach the door, I feel a tug at my right arm. Ah, damn. An IV needle is stuck in the bend at my elbow, attached to a drip. Carefully, I untape the piece of adhesive and, with difficulty, remove the needle that feeds me. It stings like fire coming out. It'll leave a bruise tomorrow, but I don't care. All I care about is hot dogs. And finding out what happened to my comerades.

Somehow, I manage to pull myself into the hallway that connects to the main loop of the first floor corridor. There is much activity going on, people frantically preparing for some impending battle. Looks like a big one. I wonder what's going on, but I'm preocupied with thoughts of delicious, suculent hot dogs smothered in mustard, relish and onions. Mmmmm.

Hyne, I'm hungry. Feels like I haven't eaten in weeks.

It seems to take forever to reach the cafeteria from here. Along the way, I smell the delicious aroma of hot dogs. Oh heavenly hot dogs. I can already taste them.

Once inside the cafeteria, I must force myself to walk the few feet from the entrance to the counter. Already, my muscles ache and I feel as if I've just run a marathon. How long have I been in the infirmary anyway?

"Eight hotdogs, please." I say politely as I cling to the counter to support my weight.

"I'm sorry, we're sold out." The girl behind the counter says apologetically.

"You're sold out. YOU'RE SOLD OUT?" I scream at her. She cringes away from the register and sneaks worried glances at the woman next to her. "Do you realize I haven't had a hotdog in, what day is this?" I don't even know how long it's been since I've eaten one.

"It's Tuesday," the girl says in a meek voice.

"It's been thirty-four days since I've had a hotdog," I growl at her. I'm going to commit anarchy if I don't get one, I swear. Sold out or not. "I want a hotdog, and I want it NOW."

"Sir, as I said, we're sold out," the girl is now near panic. "You're making a scene."

"I don't care if I'm making a scene. I want a frickin' hotdog! No. I want eight of them. There are more back there," I tell her, narrowing my eyes. "And I'm not leaving without a plate of them, understand?"

"They're not for today. They're for tomorrow."

"I don't care. I haven't had a hotdog in ages, and I want eight of them now."

The girl scoots off, now terrified of me. She must be new. None of the other girls put up with this much of my crap, wounded or not. I lean against the counter with a self-satisfied smile as I watch her open a package of the succulent processed meat and remove every last one from the plastic.

"Zell?" a voice behind me asks. I turn to face Jilly, who's apparently doing better than myself, save a busted lip and what might be a broken nose.

"Jilly! You're ok! Where's Anda?" I ask. I'm happier than hell to see her alive and relatively unharmed. She's a sight for sore eyes, even if she is a little banged up. I seriously need to do something about this crush I've got on her. Ask her out or something. But I don't have the nerve. She'd probably beat me up for even suggesting it.

She looks at her feet and I think maybe she's about to cry, which is not a Jilly thing to do at all. My heart begins to pound in my chest and I'm afraid of what she's about to say. "He didn't make it, Zell."

"What?: This isn't possible. Am I responsible for this?

"I would have used a phoenix down on him, but," she says looking away from me, "I used my last one on you."

Anda would have lived if she'd saved her last one for him instead of me? Oh, hell. Damn it all. Son of a . . . .

"Sir, your hotdogs are ready," the girl says, pushing a plate laden with my favorite meal. I suddenly don't feel like eating.

Crap.

My appetite gone, I take the tray anyway. Maybe Jilly is hungry.

"How'd you get those? They just told me they were sold out," she says, eyeing my tray enviously. I can see in her eyes she'd willingly beat me to a pulp to get one if the circumstances were different.

"Threw a tantrum," I say sulkily. "Help yourself. I'm not hungry anymore."

I'm weak. Tired. Jilly has to help me to a table.

Anda's dead, and maybe it's my fault. Chalk up one more failure for the infamous Zell Dincht. How is it that I always manage to screw things up?

"So what are you doing walking around?" Jilly asks, taking a bite of a hotdog. "Dr. K know you're up and about?"

"Nope," I say, feeling depressed. Squall gave me this leadership role, and I screwed it up. As usual. I can never do anything right, can I?

"Look, Zell, it wasn't your fault. There were too many of them. They kept coming at us, you know? We were way outnumbered, and poor Anda, he didn't have a chance anyway," she says, looking at me, serious expression on her face. "We did our best."

"What about the Shumi Village?" I ask, concerned and hoping to at least have met our objective. That's what we'd been there to protect, right? Did it fall into Galbadian hands?

"Gone," she says humbly. "All but a few of the villagers died."

This is too much. Not only did I fail a mission as big as this, I got an entire village wiped out too. Nothing like massive failure to top off my morning.

"You've missed a lot, Zell," she says, indicating the uncommon quiet around us. Normally, this cafeteria is full of SeeDs and SeeD cadets having leisurely breakfasts and studying for upcoming exams or missions. Today, the cafeteria is nearly empty, save a sprinkling of underclassmen and staff. "But, I suggest you talk to Xu or Quistis about that. They're in charge now."

"Do what?!"

"Squall went AWOL this morning. Left word with Irvine that he'd resigned his position," she says matter of factly. She starts on her second hotdog, eagerly tearing into it as if she hadn't had a meal in weeks. Well, that's true I guess. I wouldn't call the Shumi offerings much of a meal, more like trail mix, maybe.

"Where'd he go?"

"Followed Rinoa to Esthar," she replies as if it's old news.

What the hell's going on here? Was I asleep for weeks, or what? Did the whole world fall apart in that short amount of time? I feel like I've been gone forever.

"Why's Rinoa going to Esthar?"

"Don't know. Like I said, ask Xu or Quistis," she says. "But I do know one thing, Rinoa's got everyone in a panic. Acting like that crazy sorceress bitch, can't remember her name. Anyway, things are so crazy right now."

My head really hurts. I want to go back to sleep where things aren't unexplainably weird. Maybe this is just a dream.

After she finishes all eight of my precious hot dogs, Jilly helps me back to the infirmary, where Dr. Kadowaki awaits with a stern lecture about the healing process. So it's back to bed I go, with an empty stomach and a guilty conscience. Jilly waits until Dr. Kadowaki is finished with her lecture and back behind her desk to continue our conversation.

"So, I'm going to Esthar with them. We leave in an hour," she says. She looks excited. Must be kind of a thrill for her to be working with the best SeeD has to offer. Well, the best minus three. What I wouldn't give to be on this mission. And I know how she feels. I was pretty stoked when I was assigned to fight alongside Squall for the first time.

"When I get back," she continues, "I'd like to take you out to dinner."

This is a shock. A girl, interested in me? Well, there was pig tail girl, but she blew me off for Nida more than a year ago. "Uh . . . sure," I mutter, sinking my head into the pillow, my cheeks glowing with embarassment. .

"I've got to go," she says with a smile, "but I'll be back for you. Soon."

As soon as she leaves, Dr. K pokes her head around the curtain and announces that Irvine has come by to see me. I'm not really in the mood for any more company, but it's been ages since I've seen my best buddy, and perhaps he can enlighten me on the current situation.

"S'up?: I mutter as Irvine takes a seat and lays his rifle across his lap.

"Hey there sleepy head," he greets. "Heard you went for a walk all by yourself this mornin'."

"That I did," I reply without enthusiasm. "So what's goin' on?"

"Oh, man, where do I begin?" He says, genuinely perplexed. "I don't have time to give you all the details, but here goes," he says and gives me a summary of the events that have thus far transpired. I truly wasn't prepared to hear what he had to say, and some of it really freaks me out. Sounds like Rinoa has totally lost it. And poor Squall having to deal with all of this mess. It's just like him to take off after her.

"Holy Hyne on a train," I mumble when he's finished. "What's next, another trip to the world of time kompression?"

"If that happens, I'm goin' on a killing spree," Irvine says as he shakes his head. "I'm not going back there. Had nightmares for months afterwards."

"You and me both," I say. "Why can't things ever be normal?"

"What the hell is normal?" Irvine asks. "Maybe people like us weren't meant to live normal lives."





I can hear Rinoa's last words to me inside my head. Those words she whispered to me on our way out the door of her father's home in Deling, just after I cut her father's head off.

Meet me in Esthar.

Which explains why I'm in this Hyne-forsaken patch of salt encrusted desert, surrounded by fossilized bones of creatures long dead before the creation of man, in hot pursuit of my sorceress. Everything here is white, and if it weren't for a pair of dark wrap-around sunglasses, I'd surely go snow blind from the glare. I forgot how much I hate this place. Only been here once, and I'd rather not be here now, but it's the only way to Esthar.

I can't get Squall's pitiful image out of my head, standing before the dying figure of Rinoa's father stunned, pale and paralyzed by what he witnessed. It was so pathetic and he looked so defeated. If I had it in me, I might feel sorry for him, but I don't. I always knew Squall hadn't the capacity in him to be as I am.

Well, what am I?

Squall is impeccably good. Though he's a gun for hire, he doesn't walk on the seedier side of life like I do. I on the other hand, live fast and dangerous. Nothing excites me more than a challenge, and I will do anything to get what I want. Even if it means cutting a bound man's throat or going against everything they tried to make me believe in when I was a boy. Even if it means committing acts that others would find appaling.

The truth is, doing good seems a little . . . wussy. Well, not a little wussy, a lot wussy. And truth be known, happy endings make me want to barf. Unless the happy ending involves me and a certain sorceress getting together that is. Then, it's not wussy because my dreams will have been fulfilled and the steps I have taken will have paid off. So, I guess you could say that it's not wussy if the happy ending is in my favor. And the time when all my hard work finally pays off is just around the corner. I can feel it.

Meet me in Esthar.

I'm coming, my fair sorceress. I'll be there by sundown.

Doubt nags at me as I walk along the well worn path, my feet kicking up white dust in my wake. I've been through this before, this Sorceress' Knight business. Am I willing to go back and do it again? I now have my hero status reclaimed, at least in Dollet. Shouldn't that be enough? Wasn't that what I was looking for? Wouldn't it make more sense to join forces with SeeD and assist them with their goal, for surely by now they're preparing to take action against the Sorceress. If hero status is what I'm looking for, doesn't it make more sense to be on the winning team? They've got the resources and the means to win, I can't deny that. I may be cocky, but I'm not a fool.

It's something else that I'm looking for. What that is, I'm not sure. Not love, since I'm not convinced that there's even such a thing as love. And if I give up and go to the other side, I've got no chance of winning Rinoa.

I keep asking myself why I'm doing this again. I swore to myself many times I'd never go back, but here I am, trudging through this friggin' desert to meet my sorceress on the other side. Part of it is that she's already slipped into my mind and gotten control. The other part is that I'm seeking something that no one's ever given me before, though what that is, I can't tell you.

If she didn't control me, as she is now, would I be doing this?

I don't know.

There is a commotion ahead of me. I see a streak of black, sliver and red dart across the path. I move forward to see what it is, on the alert for monsters that might hinder my travel.

Squall.

He is alone, his gunblade drawn against a Vysage, a Righty and a Lefty. So he is going to Esthar too? Does he pretend he could ever be her Knight? I laugh aloud to myself. He hasn't got it in him to even dare. If he couldn't cut down Carraway, there's no way he would ever live up to the standards of a Sorceress. He thinks because he loves her, it should be enough, but it's not. He has no idea what she will demand of him once he is in her service, and he won't have the balls to carry out even one of her commands. I guarantee it.

Vysage, Lefty and Righty defeated, Squall sits upon a rock takes a sip from a canteen and wipes his brow. I saunter towards him, my step even and confident. He does not hear me approach, so he is surprised when I say, "Fancy meeting you here."

He jumps, as though I've frightened him and he eyes me with contempt, but says nothing as he recaps his canteen.

"So you're hoping to see our little dove fly, are you?" I ask, conceit in my voice.

"Going to Esthar to help Rinoa," he replies, staring at the carcass of the Righty he has so recently slain. It twitches in the powdery salt, in the throes of death, a process which I find facinating. What it must be like to die. I imagine my own death will be terribly noble, a good death some might call it, in which I succumb to with grace and dignity.

"How honorable of you," I say and swing my sword around in the air in front of me, taunting him. "It's a pity you wouldn't consider being her Knight. It would be so much fun to demonstrate my worthiness to her by fighting an opponent."

"You want to be her Knight?" he asks incredulously. "And what makes you think she'd have you?"

I smirk at him, pleased to share my bedtime story with him. "Because she's already had me."

"That's a lie," he says, standing, his face flaming with anger. "She'd never . . ."

"Oh, but she did." I laugh menacingly at him. "She did and she enjoyed it. Twice in one night. It's a pity Squall, that you were too much of a coward to fuck her. She told me all about it."

I can see the rage in his eyes now as he draws his blade. Just as I thought. He's still easily tempted into a fight. He never could just walk away from me.

"Bring it on," I say with a laugh and beckon him to me with my gloved hand. I ready my sword, grinning at him crazily, longing to bring him to his knees and leave him to die here in this salty hell, this pale boneyard.

Swiftly, he brings his sword down upon me, but I counter by slashing upwards, our blades crash together with a loud mechanical sound, steel against steel. I feel the reverberations all the way to my shoulder sockets and collar bone. Hyne, he hits hard. It's been a while, and I'm still a tad rusty from my former sedentary, alcohol blurred life. But there's no way I will lose to him this time. I can't afford to lose.

We battle it out, blade against blade, in ferocious competition with one another. He's not as fast as I remember, but I guess a couple years behind a desk would soften anyone. At least I'm not the only one who's been dormant for a while.

A searing pain rages through my left shoulder, stinging like fire as the tip of his gunblade cuts into my skin and then tears out again. I duck out of the way as he brings the blade down again, this time it nicks my chin, which begins to bleed freely. I feel a wet trickle of blood roll down my neck and into the hollow of my throat.

Son of a bitch!

With all my strength, I slice at him and manage to tear the leather arm of his jacket. Have I made contact, or is this just surface damage? I can't tell. I bring my blade down once more, slicing a small gash in his chin to match the one he gave me. I laugh as he stumbles and falls on his ass. What a puss.

He returns to his feet and lunges at me with unexpected speed, making contact with my left hip. Unwilling to let him know he's injured me, I bite back a scream and hurl myself forward, gunning for his throat this time. Enough of this crap. I'm bored with this parry and slash game. I repeatedly bring my blade down, but he expertly blocks each attack with his own blade.

I can tell he is running out of strength, as am I, though I try not to show it. If this keeps up, he won't need to cast Aura to reach his limit break. I must end this before he has a chance to slice me to bits with his Renzokuken attack. I run at him, full speed, my gunblade in the air, just as he swings his own blade at me. It catches me in the chest, cutting through skin and bone. I gasp in disbelief as he savagely yanks the sword from my body and coldly watches me fall to the dusty white ground.

I can't breathe.

"You should know better than to fuck with me, Seifer," he says, sitting on the ground next to where I've fallen. I can hardly draw my breath.

I gasp for air, feeling panicky from lack of oxygen. I claw at the powdery soil around me, desperate for anything I can get my hands on. A rock, a handful of salt, anything. Anything that might injure him as well. Trouble is, my hands don't seem to want to do what I tell them to.

"So how's it feel to die?" he hisses, now kneeling beside me. His coppery eyes flame with a cold rage as he looks into my own.

I struggle to speak, but I can't even draw a good breath into my lungs. Each time I attempt to get air, there's a wheezing, sucking sound in my chest. I can feel the blood bubble in the wound. Each attempt at a breath draws blood into my ruined lungs. I will drown or suffocate if I can't find a way to heal myself.

"You like it? Is it the romantic thrill you've always dreamed it would be?" His face is inches from mine, and I can see the triumph in his icy copper eyes. "You're pathetic, Seifer. Damn pathetic. I hope you become Ultimecia's whipping boy in hell."

I have an X-potion in my pocket. If only I could reach it, but my hands don't seem to want to move. This can't be the way it ends. It can't be. I'm Seifer Almasy. The Sorceress' Knight. The bad ass, all go, no quit Seifer Almasy.

I always knew I'd die violently, but I never thought it would be Squall who'd bring me down.

My vision blurs as I watch his boots tread away, heavy and weary. There is a trail of fresh blood that marks the path he has taken, perhaps I have mortally wounded him as well. Perhaps not, but I hope so.

As I feel the life leave my body, the trail of Squall's blood is all I can see.


An open, empty road has always held a certain promise for me. It's a promise of adventure, of danger and excitement, one that I have never faced with fear or reluctance. It used to excite me to embark on a new adventure, but today, as I face the remainder of the road that leads to Esthar, I feel nothing but anxiety. The promise of adventure and excitement has become a threat. The open road has become a path more oppressive than anything I can even imagine. At the end of this road, an unknown fate awaits me, as surely as uncertain as Rinoa's own fate once she reaches Esthar.

Things have never been more complicated. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about any of this. I don't know what I'm supposed to think or do. Part of me realizes that she must be stopped before things get out of hand, but the other part wants only to defend her, to be by her side, to prove to her that she means everything to me, regardless of whatever hold Adel may have on her.

I should arrive in Esthar just after sundown. My uncertainty grows as I walk, coming ever closer to the high-tech cloak that surrounds the city. My knee aches as I kick up dust around me, coming ever closer to my destination. The ache is the kind not even a potion or two can cure.

It's becoming disgustingly hot here, despite the fact that it's only late March. For now, I must rest my feet and tend to my wounds, those inflicted by the now deceased Seifer. I am forced to recognize the depth of our relationship. He has always been the proverbial thorn in my side. We have crossed paths many times in our lives, each one was a trial by fire, a battle of some sort, and each encounter left me stronger and more determined than before. It is with great reluctance that I even dare to admit this to myself. My rivalry with Seifer has made me what I am today. I am almost sorry I cut him down back there, leaving him to turn once more to dust in the hot sun.

But not sorry enough to go back for him. The things he said are inexcusable. How dare he presume to think Rinoa might want him as her protector? I don't even presume to think she'd accept me, despite what I feel in my heart must be so.

How likely is it that what he said is true?

I can't help but wonder about the night I saw Rinoa with him at the club. She'd seemed so taken with him, so willing to bend any direction the breeze might blow her. Seifer appeared to be the breeze. Given the circumstances, there's no telling what she might have done. Maybe I'd prefer not to know either way. And the truth is, some of this is my fault. If I hadn't been so driven to do a good job as commander, I might have seen how badly she needed my companionship and love.

The sleeve of my jacket is caked with blood. My chin too. I don't give a damn. It could have been me laying there in the dust waiting to die, with Seifer looming over me, his laughter the last thing I heard before I passed on. A violent shudder passes through me as I think on it.

Better to not think too much about it. Better to stay focused.

After a few minutes of rest, I stand slowly, careful not to jar my injured knee. The road ahead is the most treacherous stretch of road on the way to Esthar. I must be careful now. This land is a haven for powerful monsters, and it would be a disgrace to defeat Seifer, but be taken down by a level thirty monster.

Whatever.

On the road before me are faint, but visible shoe prints. They're small, as if laid down by someone rather diminutive in size, a woman perhaps. I know it can only be Rinoa, and it hasn't been long since she passed through here. With the wind in this pasty hell, these prints would have been blown away in a short time. Reenergized, I pick up my pace, hoping that maybe I can catch her before she makes a terrible, foolish mistake.

I know Irvine and party are not far behind. Though the path they follow is the same, their purpose is different. They are on a quest of their own, not unlike mine, and by no means mutually exclusive, but with the exception of Irvine, they don't know. They are unaware of the connection, and I hope to reach Esthar in time to eliminate any link to Adel in Rinoa. I guess part of me doesn't want them to know that they might have to face someone they care about. They'll find out eventually, and perhaps, I may even have to fight them to protect her.

I might as well admit that I'm shit scared of facing my dearest friends in battle. If I had a choice, I'd fight Seifer a thousand times rather than cut them down. But if it comes to that, I may have to.

I'm so confused.

I don't know how successful I'll be. But I've got to try. Life as I know it now is pretty miserable, now that I've allowed myself to feel again. Now that I've experienced what it feels like to love and be loved back, I'll be damned if I let it slip away without doing a thing. She means too much to me to let her be destroyed. The very essence of her personality and beauty will crumble as surely as I will should she fall completely into Adel's clutches.

And maybe she didn't understand when I said I'd follow her anywhere. I meant that in every sense. I don't regret my resignation. I don't regret giving it all up for Rinoa. Quistis is far better suited to the likes of commander in ways that I could never be.

I'll probably be excommunicated when I return. That is if I return. I don't give a damn, as long as Rinoa's with me. We could build that house by the beach, start a family, grow old together . . . but we have to get out of this first. With our lives.

Maybe this is all wishful thinking. I doubt everything about myself, including my ability to make her happy. I can't even imagine myself as a father, let alone a husband, but there's something about the thought of having a family and a life outside of Garden that appeals to my barest sense of survival. There's a strong need within me to identify with something, and a family is something I've secretly longed for. Especially when I face the fact that it might never happen without her. I want that chance. I don't want to spend the rest of my life without anything to call my own.

And if I can help it, I won't.

Up ahead is the cloak. I can see the static-like bursts of the entrance against the backdrop of the stealth mask meant to hide the city from invaders. Above me the sun has dropped to it's lowest point before it sinks below the horizon to begin dawn on the other side of the world. I have arrived. It will only be a matter of time before I reach her.

I hope I'm not too late.