Disclaimer:
We own NOTHING except Azelia, the new WWWs, and the plot!
and, for
people who are retarded, WE DO NOT OWN "BEND AND SNAP" DUH!!!!!
Capri: we have to warn them about this chapter, what were we ON when we wrote this chapter?!
Kelly: I don't know, but it sure was working, the word 'ass' was used WAY too much.
Capri: oh, I know! we were watching lord of the rings, ORLANDO BLOOM! THAT explains it.
Special feature!!! Find it at the end of this chapter!!
Chapter Eight: The Teacher's ASSistant Written by The LoardsLunchtime was an interesting affair, with the Gryffindors huddled around each other trying to figure out "Who knew what."
Eventually they had decided that there was no point in visiting moaning Myrtle (Harry was especially happy about this) because everyone who needed to know about Harry and Azelia, already knew. Details could wait.
Hermione and Azelia were good friends now, and were particularly giggly about the upcoming Defense Against the Dark Arts class. They were chatting with Zoé, who was sitting at the Ravenclaw table behind them.
They tried to bring Becca into the conversation numerous times, but she was too busy staring at a certain Slytherin. No, not Draco Malfoy, it was another student who had transferred, Jason DeMontepied.
Eventually, lack of information turned the girls onto a new subject.
"Hey, does anyone know when, or if, you people have quidditch tryouts?" Zoé asked.
"Yeah, this afternoon, after the last class of the day."
"Thanks Harry, are you planning on trying out?"
"He doesn't need to try out! He's had his place since the 1st year. He's bloody talented."
"Wow, really?! You must have been really good for them to have broken their own rules for you, granted, you are The Boy Who Lived and all that."
"Well I'm surprised you didn't go all Creevey on me!"
Zoé winked a Azelia "Well, we French witches are more sensible than you English."
"Right! You scary half veela freaks!" Ron mutters.
Azelia laughs, and looks at Zoé, "He does know that's a compliment, doesn't he?!"
Zoé then catches sight of her friend across the hall. "Hey Brody! Over here 'chum!'" sending Azelia into a fit of laughter.
"What....." all the poor English people at the table are somewhat confused.
Brody sees the waving hand and comes to join the cluster on the Gryffindor side.
"Hey guys."
"Hi Brody! Are you going try out for the quidditch team this afternoon?"
"No, you know pitiful I am. I'm going to the tryouts though, so I can have another glimpse of that hott new coach we have this year."
Harry lights up, "Oh! We have a new coach? Who is he—
Harry was interrupted by Zoé, who obviously knows Brody best, "Or she, you never know with Brody—Ow!" the last was directed at Brody, for the kick that had been delivered along with the death glare.
"So....who is IT then?"
"I don't know, but I'm going to stalk HIM until I find out!"
Becca pipes up, for once knowing the answer to a question... "I think its like Woodchuck or something.... I heard those two guys," and she points to Fred and George Weasley some distance away, "talking to him. Though I'm not sure I heard the name right, it seems rather odd, but you never know with you English people."
"Haha. You've heard nothing yet. My next door neighbors have one of the craziest names I've ever heard." And Azelia smiled at Harry.
"Haha. Oh yes. But still, there's only one person the twins would be calling 'Woodchuck' and that means Oliver's back! And no one told me?! I'm going to have to go knock some heads around. I've got to go talk to the twins." And made his way over to the end of the table where the twins had mountains of food piled onto their plates.
"Wow, he's hott!" Zoé adds, also looking at the twins.
Ron laughs "Which one? They're TWINS!"
Before he got a chance to explain, the bell had rung, signaling the end of lunch.
Hermione and Azelia looked at each other and grinned, and then ran off after Harry. Each grabbing one arm they pull him towards the door.
"Come on Harry! We want to see the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!"
"Lets get to class early!"
"Come on, DAMMIT!"
Ron looks at Harry and laughs, "Hermione's back, she's wanting to go drool at teachers again! What is it with the Defense Against the Dark Arts ones?"
"Hey! Lockhart was famous, but this guy is HOTT!"
Azelia looked surprised. "Gilderoy Lockhart was a teacher at your school! He's such a PRICK! You actually LIKED him? We had to read one of his books and it was complete merde," she looks at Brody, "as you Americans like to say..."
Once they reached the classroom door Hermione noticed that a few 6th year students were already seated.
She turned to the group and asked "Are we in the wrong classroom? Why are there 6th years here?"
Zoé pretends to look offended "What do you have against 6th years, and why DO I have this class?"
"SORRY! I just realized that its kind of odd you know!"
Brody had just appeared, out of breath from running down the hall, and trying to hide the clunk of her boots on the floor. When she heard the question, obviously thinking it her 'duty' as a prefect to inform the public responds, she responded in her specially saved 'haughty' tone, "Since the OWLs were canceled last year because of complications with You-know-who and the Triwizard Tournament, Dumbledor decided that the best thing would be for the 6th years to retake Defense Against the Dark Arts in preparation for the OWLs." She barely got it out before pretending to collapse on the floor.
Hermione looks confused, "But last year we learned so much from Moody...who wasn't really Moody, was he, Harry?"
"And Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, wuz he?" Zoé asked.
All the muggle-wizards laughed, while the poor purebreds just looked confused.
Becca asked "Well, why didn't he just get a new fuzzy?"
Hermione lets out an exaggerated sigh, and then looks back at Harry, waiting for an answer. Seeing that he was off...somewhere, in a daydream we DONT want to know about, Hermione turned to Ron. "Ron?" Seeing that he was off in the same dream, Hermione and Azelia, each using their own method, brought the boys back into the present-day world. Hermione nonchalantly elbows Harry, while Azelia, being the more assertive of the pair, gives the perfect bitch-slap to Ron.
"OW! Why does that keep happening to me?"
"Well, I figured I better stop the drool dribbling down your robes."
Zoé turned to Brody and said, "I didn't think that's drool..."
The new, and totally hott Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher entered the classroom from another door. "Hello. I am your new professor, Brett Llewellyn, and this is my assistant and your classmate, Nikki.
Seamus mumbled, saying what every male in the room was thinking, "She puts the 'ass' in assistant..."
Dean added, "I hope she can ASSist me..."
Brody glares over the table at both of them "And if you don't shut up about that slut, I will assist my foot into your ass."
Zoé glanced at her friend "Oooo! Someone is Jealous"
Becca looked over at the 'assistant' and had to agree with Brody's assessment. "Omg! Look at her skirt! That must be like illegal or something!"
Zoé laughs and says, "What skirt?!? What skirt, all I see is an inch wide strip of cloth around her waist. You can sooo see her butt!"
Ron looks surprised. "Really? Wow! You can! Is that a leather thong?!" Ron then gloats as Hermione and Azelia both go to kick him under the table, and end up kicking each other. But the smug look on his face motivated ALL the girls at the table to give him a kick, and no one missed, least of all Brody, with those heavy duty, all-purpose, 50 kilo boots.
"No. Its dragon-hide thank you very much! But even leather would be better than the things SOME people wear." Shooting Brody and Hermione evil looks.
Zoé had to put her hand on Brody's shoulder to keep her down, and Hermione gripped her wand so hard the wood began to crack
"Hmm. Where's your homework." All the students begin digging through their bags looking for the essay they were SUPPOESED to write over the summer. Some even had some success cough Hermione cough
"Becca Demeuré, YOU got in Ravenclaw? Zoé Orduré, very sloppy. Brody Phylips, you call this an essay?" Nikki continued down the line. "Azelia LeMonde, receives glare. Ronald Weasley, could you write any bigger, but I must admit, not too bad." Ron almost faints at the smile he receives, slightly devilish, but trying to be innocent. "Harry Potter... Really? You're cuter in person. Excellent work!" Nikki then sees Hermione's ten-scroll pile. "Hermione Granger. I can tell we are not one who likes to go above and beyond, but I suppose that's ok, if you're only looking for a 5 out of 10."
Then Nikki 'accidentally' drops one of Hermione's scrolls. "Oops." She then languidly bends slowly down giving Ron, and especially Harry, a good view of her ass. The she rose up sticking out her chest, and running her fingers through her long purple hair. "How clumsy of me...."
Nikki got three tables away before Hermione and Zoé said, in unison, "Bend and SNAP!" Brody giggled manically.
Nikki, thinking she had heard a noise turned back, but all faces were solemn, so she turned back to her task.
The class went by quickly. A few giggles, notes passed, or rather thrown, across the room, and stares from both sexes.
Llewellyn stared at his watch. "I guess that's all for today. Class dismissed. Oh, and Hermione, you need to pASS in that group ASSignment you all were working on in clASS today." No one was quite sure why he was stressing those certain syllables. Then he frowned in a disappointing, but almost anticipating, way. "And Nikki, please come here."
After the students had flooded out of the room, Nikki approached the teacher's desk.
"Yes. You wanted me?"
"Today, you dropped one of Hermione's scrolls, you are a bad, bad, girl. And you must be punished for that...."
End of Chapter 8: ASSistants
This is the note that was pASSed from student to student during the Defense Against the Dark Arts class.
RON: Did you see that ASSistant when she bypASSed my desk!
HARRY: I would like to see her behind glASS
BECCA: Why is everyone capitalizing 'ASS'?
AZELIA: just don't ask, lASS.
DEAN: Hey! who pASSed this to them. Its supposed to be a guy's note!
ZOE: guys don't pASS notes!
SEAMUS: I don't care, but she has a figure like an hourglASS
HERMIONE: You guys are so crASS.
ZOE: another word for jackASS
BRODY: She looks like a giant landmASS
AZELIA: Even Becca can outclASS her!
DEAN: She's so hott I need my sunglASSes.
BECCA: and I am so JealASS.
ZOE: Becca, if you cant spell, don't try it, Look, the chair is about to break from that mASS.
BRODY: Man you guys are smoking the grASS
RON: Sorry, i slipped off into a daydream, we were on a boat, she caught one major bASS.
HARRY: you mean you caught a mASSive boner, but she has surpASSed all expectations!
AZELIA: Was there bluegrASS playing in the background Ron?
HERMIONE: we should be paying attention to clASS.
ZOE: I can SOOOO see her butt crevASSe.
BRETT: you better not "harASS" my "ASSistant" if you want to "pASS" this "clASS"
RON: who's Brett?
DEAN: umm...I don't know....
HERMIONE: you STUPID RETARTED FREAKS!!!!! THAT WAS OUR "profASSor!!!!!!!!"
BRETT: Hermione, the only one who has enough memory and spelling skills to fill a wineglASS.
BRODY: all the molecules in the room must have amASSed to form that mASSive ASS
NEVILLE: An ASS that I would love to tresspASS on
HARRY: Neville?!?! I didn't know you had such sASS.
RON: I wonder what kind of ASSesment you have to pASS to be a teacher's ASSistant.
BECCA: I like molASSes on my ham
AZELIA: you're as smart as crabgrASS
BECCA: wASS that a compliment?
ZOE: no.
HARRY: she clouds my eyeglASSes
RON: I want to sprinkle some sASSafras on that bloody ASS
HERMIONE: ok! we get it! you all want to see morASS.
BECCA: don't you mean "more ass"?....
BRODY: oook! new subject! Hermione, did you hear that fuzzy wuzzy was a bear?
HERMIONE: yeah! and I also heard that he had no HAIR!
BECCA: I GET IT!!!! then he wasn't fuzzy....wASS he? I still think he should buy a new one!!
End Note Here
A/N: Warning this may be a little long...so if you get bored easily and can't read for a long time like me, please scroll to the bottom, not that there will be anything at the bottom except that little ol' review button hint hint
OK, First we would like to think all of our loyal readers (Zoé interrupts: WHAT loyal readers?!?) OK back to the wonderful Brody (Zoé: coughcough sorry about my cold)
WE KNOW IT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE WE HAVE WRITTEN! sorry :( Forgive us? (Zoé: Who's there to forgive you? Its not like any one is reading this, cause if they were they would tell us how wonderful we are in the reviews (hint hint)....or not....)
Just to let you know it is about 12:00 and we are really tired...we have been thinking of this and future chapters tries to hide laughter (Zoé: I mean, really, imagine a five foot Brody trying to hide a six foot Oliver behind her back!!!) SOOO thanks Zoé for giving things away...we mispeled ALMUST evry wurd that had mor then t2o sylablis (Zoé: you mean over two LETTERS!)
So basically what we are saying is there is some funny shit going down in the next few chapters (Zoé: Brody learns to fly) so stick around, oh yeah there is an extended scene on this chapter (the note passed in class)
Brody wants you all to know that she has just found out that she is an obsessive compulsive and that Zoé will not let her paint, play with dominoes, or type ever again!
