Definitely one o' those "deer in th' headlights" moments. My eyes itched an' that made me realize that Ah'd forgotten ta blink for a good while. Nobody else in th' room was movin' either, but Anne was wearin' a smug smile that made me want ta do nothin' so bad as smack it off.
Ah grabbed Graydon by th' upper arm. "Lemme talk to ya for a second." He had a look on his face that made me think he was gonna say "no." Scramblin', Ah added a heartfelt, "Please?" at th' last possible moment.
"Okay." Th' words were barely outta his mouth before Ah was pullin' him into th' bedroom an' closin' th' door behind us.
"Sit," Ah ordered, pointin' at th' bed.
"Aye aye," he murmured, salutin' me lazily. "Before you blow things completely out of proportion..."
"Wait." Ah yanked open th' door an' found myself nose ta nose with John, who had th' good sense ta turn pink right ta th' roots o' his bright red hair. "Now's not th' time ta be listenin' at keyholes."
"C'mon, John." Kitty dragged him away an' Ah shut th' door again.
Graydon smiled gently. "He reminds me of you."
Ah put my hands on my hips. "Now's not th' time ta be meanderin' down memory lane." A pause. "An' he's nothin' like me!"
He did a poor job o' lookin' convinced. "Not now maybe, but he reminds me of what you used to be like. When we were kids."
Ah felt a quick stab o' regret at that. "Ah...Ah've never apologized. Mebbe there was somethin' Ah could've done. If Mystique'd just left ya with me an' Irene..."
"I'm not looking for sympathy from you. Or apologies. You were six, Rogue. I was ten. There's nothing that either of us could've done to help the other. Even though we both wanted to."
That threw me for a second. "Wait. Ya wanted ta help me? Why?"
Graydon closed his eyes an' swallowed hard. "Don't you see? You were the backup plan. If I turned out to be a dud...you were their second choice weapon. You would've been first. It was only because your power was too unpredictable." There was a kind o' sick feelin' in th' pit o' my stomach. Not that Ah didn't know Mystique was mostly always up ta no good, but that Irene should be involved.
There was a kind o' picture o' th' three of us Ah'd always held secret. Out on th' dim porch that smelled like honeysuckle in th' summers, fireflies in th' air, a slash o' butter yellow light on th' boards. Th' two women laughin' at somethin' Ah'd done. Holdin' each other for support. A breeze. Ah sat down hard on th' bed. Graydon stroked my back softly. "Ah didn't realize..."
Ah'd never thought ta wonder if those two laughin' women were honest. But there's nothin' ta say that ya cain't laugh and laugh an' be a villain. Least that's what Prince Hamlet's gettin' at Ah think.
"Don't go," Ah whispered, leanin' my head on Graydon's shoulder. My throat knotted. "Ya know they'll never want ya ta do anythin' good."
"But they want me," Graydon said. "They need me to be there. No one ever has. And Anne..."
"Stop it! Just stop! God." Ah pushed away from him. Outta reach o' his hands an' his sympathy. He was lullin' me into thinkin' his goin' back to the goddamned Friends o' Humanity was a good idea. "They don't want ya in any way that Mystique an' Victor didn't. Cain't ya see that you're a tool ta th' FOH too?"
"No."
"But..."
"No. I'm not. Not any more than you and Kitty were tools for Xavier. You don't know. But you're too smart not to realize that people are people and none of them are so black and evil. We just have different ideas."
Ah felt like someone'd just punched me hard in the stomach. Hear that's how Houdini died. Takin' one ta th' gut that he wasn't prepared ta deal with. "Why don't ya just tell me when genocide is a good idea. How can ya even sit there an' say somethin' so horrible?"
"Because we should all band together with our 'kind'?" There was a deep anger in Graydon's voice. Deeper an' darker than that basement he'd been livin' in. Ah realized, with an awful lurch, how much he'd been right about th' house becomin' like him. His hurt seemed endless. An' Ah thought o' th' growlin' because that was inside him somewhere too. Suddenly Ah felt small an' scared an' freezin' cold. "Let me ask you something: do you think that you should have to be nice to other females because you're women and you need to band together?"
"Ah...that's not th' same..."
"Yes, it is. People are people, Rogue. Not all mutants are good mutants. And the bad ones are more dangerous than anything. You should know that better than most people."
"But that's no excuse for hate groups ta..."
"FOH isn't a hate group."
Ah tried ta laugh mockingly, but it just came out like a cough. "Ah think John'd tell a different story."
"Then I won't let it stay a hate group," Graydon said steadily. "But you can't just let all these powers run unchecked."
"Who decides? You? Are ya gonna go ta every mutant in th' world an' decide if their powers are a danger ta normal people? Wasn't so long ago that ya were scared ta let th' FOH near us. Ah'd like ta know what's changed."
"Someone needs to step up. I can do it. No more hiding."
Th' way he said it, it was this awful, final thing. Made me want ta cry an' hit somethin' at th' same time. "So that's it? Ya go back and turn into their little mascot again?"
"Not anymore." He kissed my cheek softly an' unfolded himself from th' bed. Ah felt so numb. Ah couldn't do anythin', couldn't even look up when he shut th' door behind him. Only occurred ta me after that Ah'd taken in my powers almost automatically when he'd touched me. Folded 'em up into th' big, internal envelope he'd gone on about when he was teachin' me how ta suppress 'em. For once, without a collar or any special powers, someone who'd touched me hadn't been in th' least bit o' danger. Even if there wasn't anythin' else, there'd always be that.
* * *
Graydon came out of de room alone, mouth set like he'd just come from a funeral.
"Y' jus' come from killing my girlfriend, mec (man)? Why so serious?"
He barely looked at me, instead took Anne's hand. "Do you think they'll take me back?"
De girl looked a little dazed. She kept sneaking looks at her hand in his like she didn't quite believe dat was real. "I...I'm sure you can convince them." Her smile was shaky.
"What's wrong?"
"Things just seem...clearer now."
Occurred t' me for an awful split second dat he really had done somet'ing t' Rogue. Shot a quick look at John and he angled his head, which I understood as shorthand for "Go on den." And glad dat I did. Because Rogue was sprawled out diagonal on our bed, shaking hard. Half expected t' hear sobs and so it was like watching a silent movie t' see her. Absolutely quiet. She raised her head when I came in.
"Shouldn't...cry so much, chére." But de last part of de sentence trailed off into not'ing. She wasn't crying, although I'd be at a loss t' say exactly what de shaking had been exactly. No name t' it. Mebbe I should've known better. In truth, she'd cried so little since I'd known her. T'ings dat we'd seen and experienced dat would've broken her if she were someone else. Even so, could see dat she was trembling on dat knife blade of hysteria.
She held out her hands t' me. "Remy." Dieu. De way she said it. Been tangled wit' lots of people in my life. Girls and women and people halfway between de two distinctions. De way she said it made it seem like she was a cat lapping cream. No one ever said it quite dat way before.
"Rogue, I t'ink we should talk 'bout..."
She looked angry and I knew I was pressing my luck. But I also knew how regrets can drive a wedge between people. Wasn't dat part of de reason Graydon couldn't see his way out of de FOH? He loved de feeling of being needed and in de end, it didn't matter so much what made dat feeling happen. At de time, remember, I didn't have any idea 'bout what he and Rogue had talked about.
"Don't ya think we talk too much sometimes?" she snapped. Den she seemed t' t'ink better of it and patted de spot next t' her on de bed. But I knew dat if I sat dere I'd be a goner for sure. Never said I was a saint, now did I? Moved closer. Considered de question.
"Yes, but I don't t'ink dat now is one of those times. Don't want t' do anyt'ing we'll regret."
"Ya sayin' ya'd regret...me?" Dis was dangerous stuff, no question.
"Non. Don't twist what I'm saying."
"What are ya sayin'?"
"Dat mebbe...Putain (fucking hell)! I don't know! Because dere's two ways t' look at de t'ing."
"Don't try ta take th' moral high road on this one, Remy LeBeau."
"Shouldn't we do somet'ing 'bout Graydon?"
Her face went gray and tired all of a sudden. "Like what? There's nothin'...ya...Ah tried so hard, but in th' end mebbe Ah couldn't convince him because Ah wasn't convinced myself? There used ta be two ways ta do everythin' -- Xavier's way an' Magneto's -- but then we made another way an' Graydon, he wants ta make another."
"Our way never involved killing people," I reminded her darkly.
"Graydon doesn't want his way ta do that either." Was close enough so she could reach out and tug at my sleeve. "We cain't say we're th' same as other people an' then stage these epic battles like we're above them. Like we're gods or somethin'."
Sighed. She had a point, but de issue was so complex. And my head hurt. And de bedroom was hot and stuffy. My t'oughts were moving slow like dey were underwater. "But dis has what t' do wit' us and de price of tea in China?" Sat down beside her.
"Ah cain't make decisions for Graydon. Ah won't. But Ah can make decisions for me." She slipped her hand under my collar. "Call it overcompensation."
"What about Graydon den?"
"Better ta let him go as a friend than have ta hunt him down as an enemy."
My mouth went dry. Her other hand was playing a miniature sonata on de inside of my elbow. I kissed her neck and sucked delicately just t' hear her gasp.
"What 'bout Kitty an' John? Dey're just waiting."
She laughed. "Ah think they'll just have ta figure things out for themselves, neh?" De way she said it made me t'ink we weren't exactly talking 'bout de same t'ing.
"Your accent is terrible."
"Why don't ya stop my mouth then?"
Grabbed her shoulders and held her out at arm's length. Could already see de sweat on her face. "Wouldn't want de strain t' kill y'." Wouldn't want her t' accidentally kill me either, but I was leaving dat lie for a while.
"God. Aren't ya just th' sheep in wolf's clothing? Ah've already got one mother an' she's more than Ah need right now."
Rogue sprang t' her feet, darted past me an' slammed de bathroom door.
Knocked, but she didn't answer. In de end, I pressed my forehead against de wood. We were so close. Close enough t' make me shiver wit' anticipation. But I wondered if we'd end up killing each other before anyt'ing could really happen.
* * *
Chrissie: I understand. Summertime = vacations all around. Y'know, after seeing "Dark Horizon" 1 & 2 I've come to a couple conclusions. #1. I like my Pyro MUCH better than Evo's Pyro. Because someone can be sort of batshit insane and not intensely annoying. #2. I love snarky!Remy. When he suggested that Sabretooth and Wolvie should stop arguing about whose...nose was bigger and just follow the TRACKS IN THE SNOW already? I wiped away a tear. Good stuff.
Letanica: I also hear that Remy and Piotr are going to defect to the X-men this season while St. John joins the Brotherhood. Sigh. I guess I don't really mind too much about Piotr, it's just that I find him...dull.
Yumiko: Ah, I see you didn't read my: I'm going to Scandinavia disclaimers two parts previous. That's what took me so long. Blame...uh...Norway I guess. I made no such cookie promises! Also, I am a craptastic baker. Don't have the patience (or talent, really). However, I make a mean veggie teryaki stir-fry...
Ryoko Subaru and Susannah: More R+R-ness ahoy. And angst. Something about the pairing invites it. But they have...more positive aspects too, which is why I keep writing about them.
Panther Nesmith: ESPECIALLY when stupid angsty plot bunnies are out of the complete middle of nowhere. I love Rogue, but I think she was kinda bitchy in that instance. Not her best side, what with dumping her boyfriend in the middle of nowhere. Leaving someone for dead is NOT the way you show love. Boo. I'm afraid to ask, but did the romyness break your brain last chapter?
ishandahalf: Maniacal laughter is good for any occasion. I've yet to perfect the art. And here's hoping you survived without FF.net. Or are reading this from your new home in the underworld. I'm sure there's internet access in the afterlife. There just has to be.
Christy S: Yeah, I was in an uncharacteristically wuvvy dovey mood when I wrote the last chapter. This one...less so. I was in a "let's look at the other side of the coin, shall we?" mood. I've always thought that Rogue's powers are SO chaotic that any effort at control would have to be a struggle.
ladychopsticks: Oh, I always get around to this eventually. And it'll get finished sooner rather than later. Scout's honor. Even though I was never a scout.
Lace123: I meant it to be confusing. At least from Remy's POV. And I wanted it to be somewhat of a surprise, which is really frelling hard to do in a first person narrative. Sigh. Shoulda thought of these things sooner rather than after the fact. Guess that's why god made my hair reddish blondish brown. I have a take on Anne, but that'll hopefully come out later. Although, you know me, I like to keep some things to myself.
