DISCLAIMER: Listen children, I'm only doing this ONCE. I do not own James
Bond, nor anything associated with him. Sadly, I do not own any Elves
either. Not legally anyway. *evil laughter* *abrupt stop to the laughter*
Okay, back on topic...Tolkien owns everything Lord of the Rings oriented. I
honestly don't know WHY I bother. You are stupid if you can't tell that I
don't own James Bond or Lord of the Rings...Sheesh...
A/N: NO, I am not giving up on either The Return of the Stupid OR This is Still My Life. I LOVE both of those fics. This is just used a brake from them, if I somehow have a writers block thing on either of them. So, never fear, I shall continue both!
~*~*~*~*~*~*
CHAPTER ONE: Enter: Bond and Eggbert
James Bond, 007 of the British secret service, shook his head with a sigh. Moments ago he was readying his shiny, new gun, given to him by M to kill Alec Trevylen. The accursed beast simply wouldn't DIE. He had numerously shot the fiend in the head, wasting several rounds of ammunition, and yet Alec remained standing. It was amazing.
Now though, his gun was pointed at thin air. Well, not exactly thin air, considering the fact that there was an enormous tree in front of his gun barrel. 'Where did Alec go? And where were all the dead guys I handsomely shot without ruin a single strand of hair?' James wondered curiously. Contrary to public belief, James had a huge ego, as well as a great affection for his looks. One man (We'll call him Eggbert, seeing as how he will be spoken of several times in this tale) was even quoted about his looks, saying, "I hate him so much. He's so perfect! I want to stick him in a blender THEN see how he looks!" But that had nothing to do with what was going on with James right now.
It started as a simple mission; locate Alec, then shoot him. He needed lift one of his perfectly manicured fingernails to locate the criminal; the little, lower-ranked people did it all for him. He was even shipped off in a privet, first class jet. As far as James was concerned, the whole thing was simple.
The moment James barged into Alec's headquarters, he sensed something was wrong. He had excellent senses, he admitted. It was one of the reasons he wasn't dead yet. He found Alec without much interference; the usual security was in order. Guards posted in hallways and doorways, cameras, etc. Nothing James Bond couldn't handle.
But when he found Alec, he realized his senses were right. There was something fishy going on. Alec seemed to be the source too. He was standing over an ancient book that was at least a foot thick, by James's reckoning ("Not even close to how thick his skull is," comments our all-knowing friend, Eggbert). And he was chanting something, something that James couldn't decipher ("Hah! A flaw!" cries Eggbert).
In the corner stood his only love...("This month" says Eggbert)...Betty Anne. She was bound and gagged, struggling wildly. Alec, that beast! James was furious that he do this his love, his only. He turned his attention back to Alec, shot Betty Anne one last smile of affection, and narrowed his eyes.
"It's over, Alec!" James cried. He positioned his gun so the bullet would rocket right through Alec's brain. And Alec merely smiled, and dared James to pull the trigger. So he did. And nothing happened. Even after James had launched fifty-two some odd bullets in his head, he was still standing stock still, smiling evilly ("Bond is stupid enough to not notice that he can't kill the man, obviously," Eggbert scoffs).
"You can't win, James," Alec had hissed and let out an insane laugh that chilled James to the bone.
"I already have!" James shot back, ever the brave hot-shot the ladies wanted him to be. Alec clapped his hands once, and the world began to dissolve before James. He saw Alec's panicking face, and heard him shout something in a dismayed voice. And then he was no longer in Alec's hide out.
James was currently in a dense, dark forest. He held his gun ready, slightly spooked at the darkness. He never did like sleeping without his night light...("What a wuss! Can take twenty bad guys, and yet he shrinks back because he's scared of the dark! Wimp..." Eggbert interjects.") But he must continue being the ever vigiliant ladies man. Women didn't like sissies. So he gathered his courage and snuck boldly off into the dark tree boughs.
With stealthy grace, James ran through the forest. Not once did he run into a stray tree branch or fall on a seemingly invisible root. Okay, well, he ran into one twice, and tripped three times, but only because he was worried about Betty Anne. That was the ONLY reason. No, James Bond was not scared of a forest. ("Sure." Eggbert rolls his eyes.)
That is, he wasn't scared until someone yelled, "Deri!" and a sharp objected was pointed at his head.
A/N: NO, I am not giving up on either The Return of the Stupid OR This is Still My Life. I LOVE both of those fics. This is just used a brake from them, if I somehow have a writers block thing on either of them. So, never fear, I shall continue both!
~*~*~*~*~*~*
CHAPTER ONE: Enter: Bond and Eggbert
James Bond, 007 of the British secret service, shook his head with a sigh. Moments ago he was readying his shiny, new gun, given to him by M to kill Alec Trevylen. The accursed beast simply wouldn't DIE. He had numerously shot the fiend in the head, wasting several rounds of ammunition, and yet Alec remained standing. It was amazing.
Now though, his gun was pointed at thin air. Well, not exactly thin air, considering the fact that there was an enormous tree in front of his gun barrel. 'Where did Alec go? And where were all the dead guys I handsomely shot without ruin a single strand of hair?' James wondered curiously. Contrary to public belief, James had a huge ego, as well as a great affection for his looks. One man (We'll call him Eggbert, seeing as how he will be spoken of several times in this tale) was even quoted about his looks, saying, "I hate him so much. He's so perfect! I want to stick him in a blender THEN see how he looks!" But that had nothing to do with what was going on with James right now.
It started as a simple mission; locate Alec, then shoot him. He needed lift one of his perfectly manicured fingernails to locate the criminal; the little, lower-ranked people did it all for him. He was even shipped off in a privet, first class jet. As far as James was concerned, the whole thing was simple.
The moment James barged into Alec's headquarters, he sensed something was wrong. He had excellent senses, he admitted. It was one of the reasons he wasn't dead yet. He found Alec without much interference; the usual security was in order. Guards posted in hallways and doorways, cameras, etc. Nothing James Bond couldn't handle.
But when he found Alec, he realized his senses were right. There was something fishy going on. Alec seemed to be the source too. He was standing over an ancient book that was at least a foot thick, by James's reckoning ("Not even close to how thick his skull is," comments our all-knowing friend, Eggbert). And he was chanting something, something that James couldn't decipher ("Hah! A flaw!" cries Eggbert).
In the corner stood his only love...("This month" says Eggbert)...Betty Anne. She was bound and gagged, struggling wildly. Alec, that beast! James was furious that he do this his love, his only. He turned his attention back to Alec, shot Betty Anne one last smile of affection, and narrowed his eyes.
"It's over, Alec!" James cried. He positioned his gun so the bullet would rocket right through Alec's brain. And Alec merely smiled, and dared James to pull the trigger. So he did. And nothing happened. Even after James had launched fifty-two some odd bullets in his head, he was still standing stock still, smiling evilly ("Bond is stupid enough to not notice that he can't kill the man, obviously," Eggbert scoffs).
"You can't win, James," Alec had hissed and let out an insane laugh that chilled James to the bone.
"I already have!" James shot back, ever the brave hot-shot the ladies wanted him to be. Alec clapped his hands once, and the world began to dissolve before James. He saw Alec's panicking face, and heard him shout something in a dismayed voice. And then he was no longer in Alec's hide out.
James was currently in a dense, dark forest. He held his gun ready, slightly spooked at the darkness. He never did like sleeping without his night light...("What a wuss! Can take twenty bad guys, and yet he shrinks back because he's scared of the dark! Wimp..." Eggbert interjects.") But he must continue being the ever vigiliant ladies man. Women didn't like sissies. So he gathered his courage and snuck boldly off into the dark tree boughs.
With stealthy grace, James ran through the forest. Not once did he run into a stray tree branch or fall on a seemingly invisible root. Okay, well, he ran into one twice, and tripped three times, but only because he was worried about Betty Anne. That was the ONLY reason. No, James Bond was not scared of a forest. ("Sure." Eggbert rolls his eyes.)
That is, he wasn't scared until someone yelled, "Deri!" and a sharp objected was pointed at his head.
