CHAPTER TWO
"Do you work for the Nazis?" James Bond heard someone say. Something sharp poked his shoulder. He bit back a cry. That hurt! But it was only a poke. He couldn't cry at a little poke. ("Yes you can. Cry, man, cry! Mwhahahahaha..." cackles Eggbert.)
"Where am I?" he demanded and opened his eyes. A girl, maybe only fourteen or so, looked down at him. She jumped back, terror etched on her face.
"LEGOLAS!!! IT'S JAMES BOND!!!!!" she yelled and began battering him with a stick. James tried to move, but found he was bound tightly by ropes. A man with long blond hair walked calmly over, apparently ignoring the young woman's frantic warning. He did however, stop her from hitting James even more.
"Honestly, do you have to scream?" he asked the girl mildly. She nodded and frowned.
"Of course I do. This is James Bond, after all. He's evil, and works for the communists! I swear he does!" she said loudly, as though it were obvious. She turned back to James, and said, "Are you really James Bond, or are you Pierce Brosnen?"
"I am James Bond. I know nothing of this-this Pierce Brosnen," James said thinly. "I demand you untie me this instant! I am not evil!"
"Sorry, man, no can do. You see, I hate you," the girl said just as curtly. The man-whose name must have been Legolas-sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Katie, don't be rude. Go find Haldir and Aragorn. They'll want to know about him," the man ordered. The girl, Katie, glared at him for a moment, then darted off into the forest. It was then that James noticed the forest wasn't so dark as before. In fact, it seemed to glow with ethereal light. And the trees-they were gold and silver. James had never seen anything like it before.
"From where do you hail?" the man named Legolas asked him. James absently noticed that this man had pointed ears-like an Elf. But this couldn't be an Elf. ("Pish. This man knows nothing of literature," Eggbert says with a sigh.)
"I come from England, if that's what you mean," James answered. The man nodded, and James became even more aware of the pointed ears. He was getting uncomfortable.
Soon two other men arrived, with the annoying pest of a girl leading them. One had ears like the man names Legolas. The other had a rugged appearance, and seemed weary-almost sad.
"There's the vermin. Can we tie him up and hang him out of a tree? Pleeeeeease?" the girl whined to the rugged man, who was apparently the one with the most authority.
"Aragorn, Haldir," Legolas greeted them. "We found this stranger wandering alone in the forest. I have know idea who he is. He says he comes from a place called England. Katie seems to recognize him though."
"You bet I do. That chicken nugget of a fool is an insult to my race!" Katie cried and hit James with a stick. The rugged man glared at her and grabbed the stick out of her hands, saving James from another stick beating. "You are not human, you little pretty boy. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" ("I agree with this girl. She has a good head on her shoulders!" Eggbert inserts here.)
"Katie....go away. Go play with Emily," Legolas ordered and she stalked off, grumbling. ("They sent the only sane person away!" cries Eggbert is disdain.) The three men turned back to James, eyeing him warily.
"Did you find out where he is from, Legolas?" the second blond man asked Legolas.
"He says he hails from some place called England. I've heard Katie speak of it though," Legolas answered.
"Shouldn't we take him to the Lord and Lady?" the dark haired one asked the other blond. James let out a sigh and rolled his eyes. Didn't they realize that by lying him on the ground like this they were ruining his hair?
"Excuse me. Would you mind telling me who you are? And where I am?" he asked in irritation. The three ignored him and started speaking in a language he didn't understand. This causes him to be greatly annoyed. James was a master at everything, even foreign languages. Being a genius, he HAD to know them all! But this one-it baffled him. He didn't know what it was, and it didn't seem like any other he had learned. Maybe the men were nutcases and were speaking in a made up language? ("No, mate, it's called Elvish. Ever heard of TOLKIEN? Much better genius than you, I assure you," mutters Eggbert.)
Meanwhile, while James was wondering about their language, Haldir, Aragorn, and Legolas were conversing rapidly in Elvish.
Aragorn said, studying the man's clothes.
Haldir said. With that, he turned and swiftly walked between the trees.
Aragorn said to Legolas after a while. He bent over, and poked the man in the shoulder, near his armpit. James shrieked, thinking they were about to tickle him. He was very ticklish. And when he thought someone was going to tickle him, he let out very feminine screams. He didn't know WHY they sounded like they did, but it was how it happened.
Legolas scolded, though he was mildly amused at James's reaction. James only glared at the pair of them.
"That was funny. James Bond screams like a girl. Okay, kids, I'm going to interrogate him, m'kay?" The Girl had returned. And she was armed with another stick. James shot her a dirty look, which she returned with an equally dark one. Legolas and Aragorn shrugged, and nodded to The Girl. It couldn't hurt if she asked him questions.
"I want to know who you all are and what I'm doing here! And where I am!" James demanded, feeling very disgruntled. He was tied up and in the presence of very strange people, one of whom had pointed ears. James was irked, very irked indeed.
"I'm Katie, but that's Captain Lavern to you, stupid. And the blond dude is Legolas. The dark hair dude is Aragorn. And that other guy that was here was Haldir. You're in Lothlorien, and-"
"Where?" James interrupted.
"Lothlorien. Ever read Tolkien?" James shook his head. "Oh God...you're even more of a bloody idiot then I thought...Anyway, that's where you are. Now, answer my questions."
"Maybe," James snapped, trying to hold his head up so he wouldn't muss his hair. And his nails! They were dirty! There was dirt under his nails and grass smudges on his hands. These people were absolutely barbaric!
"Okies. Answer them all or die. Are you gay?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"ANSWER ME! Are you gay?"
"No!" James cried and gave her a disturbed look. ("LIAR!" Egggbert screeches.) The Girl smirked.
"LIAR!!!!!"
"I'm not gay!"
"Are too! Moving along now...How many girlfriends do you have? ARE YOU MARRIED TO THE PRESIDENT'S WIFE?" James groaned. This was going to be absolute hell.
"Do you work for the Nazis?" James Bond heard someone say. Something sharp poked his shoulder. He bit back a cry. That hurt! But it was only a poke. He couldn't cry at a little poke. ("Yes you can. Cry, man, cry! Mwhahahahaha..." cackles Eggbert.)
"Where am I?" he demanded and opened his eyes. A girl, maybe only fourteen or so, looked down at him. She jumped back, terror etched on her face.
"LEGOLAS!!! IT'S JAMES BOND!!!!!" she yelled and began battering him with a stick. James tried to move, but found he was bound tightly by ropes. A man with long blond hair walked calmly over, apparently ignoring the young woman's frantic warning. He did however, stop her from hitting James even more.
"Honestly, do you have to scream?" he asked the girl mildly. She nodded and frowned.
"Of course I do. This is James Bond, after all. He's evil, and works for the communists! I swear he does!" she said loudly, as though it were obvious. She turned back to James, and said, "Are you really James Bond, or are you Pierce Brosnen?"
"I am James Bond. I know nothing of this-this Pierce Brosnen," James said thinly. "I demand you untie me this instant! I am not evil!"
"Sorry, man, no can do. You see, I hate you," the girl said just as curtly. The man-whose name must have been Legolas-sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Katie, don't be rude. Go find Haldir and Aragorn. They'll want to know about him," the man ordered. The girl, Katie, glared at him for a moment, then darted off into the forest. It was then that James noticed the forest wasn't so dark as before. In fact, it seemed to glow with ethereal light. And the trees-they were gold and silver. James had never seen anything like it before.
"From where do you hail?" the man named Legolas asked him. James absently noticed that this man had pointed ears-like an Elf. But this couldn't be an Elf. ("Pish. This man knows nothing of literature," Eggbert says with a sigh.)
"I come from England, if that's what you mean," James answered. The man nodded, and James became even more aware of the pointed ears. He was getting uncomfortable.
Soon two other men arrived, with the annoying pest of a girl leading them. One had ears like the man names Legolas. The other had a rugged appearance, and seemed weary-almost sad.
"There's the vermin. Can we tie him up and hang him out of a tree? Pleeeeeease?" the girl whined to the rugged man, who was apparently the one with the most authority.
"Aragorn, Haldir," Legolas greeted them. "We found this stranger wandering alone in the forest. I have know idea who he is. He says he comes from a place called England. Katie seems to recognize him though."
"You bet I do. That chicken nugget of a fool is an insult to my race!" Katie cried and hit James with a stick. The rugged man glared at her and grabbed the stick out of her hands, saving James from another stick beating. "You are not human, you little pretty boy. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" ("I agree with this girl. She has a good head on her shoulders!" Eggbert inserts here.)
"Katie....go away. Go play with Emily," Legolas ordered and she stalked off, grumbling. ("They sent the only sane person away!" cries Eggbert is disdain.) The three men turned back to James, eyeing him warily.
"Did you find out where he is from, Legolas?" the second blond man asked Legolas.
"He says he hails from some place called England. I've heard Katie speak of it though," Legolas answered.
"Shouldn't we take him to the Lord and Lady?" the dark haired one asked the other blond. James let out a sigh and rolled his eyes. Didn't they realize that by lying him on the ground like this they were ruining his hair?
"Excuse me. Would you mind telling me who you are? And where I am?" he asked in irritation. The three ignored him and started speaking in a language he didn't understand. This causes him to be greatly annoyed. James was a master at everything, even foreign languages. Being a genius, he HAD to know them all! But this one-it baffled him. He didn't know what it was, and it didn't seem like any other he had learned. Maybe the men were nutcases and were speaking in a made up language? ("No, mate, it's called Elvish. Ever heard of TOLKIEN? Much better genius than you, I assure you," mutters Eggbert.)
Meanwhile, while James was wondering about their language, Haldir, Aragorn, and Legolas were conversing rapidly in Elvish.
Aragorn said, studying the man's clothes.
Haldir said. With that, he turned and swiftly walked between the trees.
Aragorn said to Legolas after a while. He bent over, and poked the man in the shoulder, near his armpit. James shrieked, thinking they were about to tickle him. He was very ticklish. And when he thought someone was going to tickle him, he let out very feminine screams. He didn't know WHY they sounded like they did, but it was how it happened.
Legolas scolded, though he was mildly amused at James's reaction. James only glared at the pair of them.
"That was funny. James Bond screams like a girl. Okay, kids, I'm going to interrogate him, m'kay?" The Girl had returned. And she was armed with another stick. James shot her a dirty look, which she returned with an equally dark one. Legolas and Aragorn shrugged, and nodded to The Girl. It couldn't hurt if she asked him questions.
"I want to know who you all are and what I'm doing here! And where I am!" James demanded, feeling very disgruntled. He was tied up and in the presence of very strange people, one of whom had pointed ears. James was irked, very irked indeed.
"I'm Katie, but that's Captain Lavern to you, stupid. And the blond dude is Legolas. The dark hair dude is Aragorn. And that other guy that was here was Haldir. You're in Lothlorien, and-"
"Where?" James interrupted.
"Lothlorien. Ever read Tolkien?" James shook his head. "Oh God...you're even more of a bloody idiot then I thought...Anyway, that's where you are. Now, answer my questions."
"Maybe," James snapped, trying to hold his head up so he wouldn't muss his hair. And his nails! They were dirty! There was dirt under his nails and grass smudges on his hands. These people were absolutely barbaric!
"Okies. Answer them all or die. Are you gay?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"ANSWER ME! Are you gay?"
"No!" James cried and gave her a disturbed look. ("LIAR!" Egggbert screeches.) The Girl smirked.
"LIAR!!!!!"
"I'm not gay!"
"Are too! Moving along now...How many girlfriends do you have? ARE YOU MARRIED TO THE PRESIDENT'S WIFE?" James groaned. This was going to be absolute hell.
