DISCLAIMER: Don't own LOTR. Don't own Bond. If I did, I'd do all sort of evil things to him for no reason.

CHAPTER FOUR

James...what are you doing in my wood...

James shivered, looking up and around for the voice. Where was it coming from? There were no people around here talking, and his captors were remaining tightlipped. Well, all of them except The Girl. She was babbling on about something that didn't interest James at all.

You are not meant to be here.

Again, he shivered, and looked around for the person speaking. Who was it? Were these people trying to drive him insane? Maybe it was a form of torture in these parts. He wouldn't give into the torture though! James was strong! He was invincible. ("The last time someone said that they were frozen," Eggbert informs us with a cheeky grin.)

What are you doing here?

"Who is doing that?" James whispered finally, putting on a brave face. In truth, he was terrified. He really felt like wetting himself just then. After all, it wasn't every day that you hear voices in you head.

"Who's doing what?" The Girl asked while poking him. Didn't they hear the voice though? James couldn't be hallucinating! He was too pretty to hallucinate! NO! It wasn't true!

"That voice..." he said, a little unsure. The three men exchanged identical smirks and The Girl just started to cackle manianically.

"That, Pretty Stupid Boy, is the sound of YOU going insane," she said with another cackle. She promptly started to choke, which caused her to stop cackling.

"Katie...be silent," Legolas scolded her.

"You are hearing—"

"Radioactive woman," The Girl muttered, then immediately after that let out a little cry and glared upwards. "Okay, okay, I take it back, sorry. Jeez lady, you don't have to put disturbing pictures in my mind..." Legolas chuckled, which caused The Girl to cast him a dark look.

"—the Lady of the Golden Wood," Haldir murmured to James, ignoring The Girl. His answer confused James greatly. Suddenly, they stopped at the foot of an immense tree. Steps leading upward spiraled around the trunk. James hadn't noticed before, but all around them were more trees like said one, though none so grand. ("That's because the Lord and Lady are special, you nitwit," Eggbert inserts.)

"Forward men!" The Girl cried and pushed in front of their group, already starting on the way up.

"This is gonna take forever...Celeborn and Galadriel REALLY need to install an escalator or something." Aragorn followed her, then Legolas. Haldir went after Legolas, motioning James to

follow. Still, James hesitated. It could be a trap. ("A little paranoid, aren't we?" Eggbert mutters.)

"Come, sir, the Lord and Lady are waiting," Haldir said firmly and they began to climb up the stairs.

You do not belong in this world.

"Bond is hearing voices again, I know it...Look, he's cringing! He's hearing the Voices! They're speaking to him! What are they saying, Bond, go jump off a cliff? Throw yourself into a river?" The Girl teased him from up ahead, laughing insanely. James grit his teeth and tried to not listen to her. She was so aggravating! He felt like kicking something. Or someone. Preferably The Girl.

It took James a good fifteen minutes to reach the top of the stairs. The two Elves, Aragorn, and The Girl seemed to manage it fine, but by the time they were half way up he felt ready to faint. How was this happening? He was James Bond! Super-man amongst the 00s! Why couldn't he just waltz up the stairs? ("Because you're a git and the stairs don't like you," Eggbert cries as though it's obvious.)

Finally he reached the top, to find all four of them waiting impatiently on him. He glared at them, and wiped his forehead wearily. Maybe THEY could walk up five hundred steps in record timing, but he sure couldn't.

"Took ya long enough...Ah, don't kill me!" she screeched as James moved to hit her. "Let's let Katie live, savvy?" His only answer was a scowl. Before he could answer though, the room was filled with a sudden ethereal glow.

***************

Wasn't that fun? Bond is hallucinating...Joy!