Hello. It's been a long time since I've updated… or even written. I've been too busy with skool and all that. I had to do a 8 page research paper for my History class, then I had some finals to take and oh GOD, could it be anymore boring?! But I guess that's the price for going to the International Academy, number one skool in the nation. God, kill me already. My stupid principal mentioned that stupid # 1 status 13 times during our honors ceremony. KILL ME.

NGE is… do I really need to type this? It gets so pointless and stupid. Everyone already knows I have no intention of stealing NGE or any of Gainax's ideas. So this is the final disclaimer, to end all disclaimers. And it says: Bite me, it's a story.

***Voila! Just add a little time, carpal tunnel syndrome, and you've got a story! Remember, it's a good thing!***

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-Neon Genesis Evangelion: A Murder Story, Part 4: "A German psycho in Japan."-

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"Maybe we could try and make the best of this situation!" Shinji said in an upbeat tone. His smile was strained as a beam collapsed next to him.

"Shinji… now is not the time for your complete personality upheaval. Save it for part 5." Asuka rolled her eyes and pulled Shinji away from the burning file cabinets. "We need a way out… But… where?"

The three stood confused in the blazing room. While Shinji and Rei thought about what to do, Asuka filed her nails. Asuka picked up her personnel file, and started to piece through it.

"Rei! The fire extinguisher!" Shinji yelled, and grabbed the red cylinder from the wall and started to put out the fire. Rei grabbed another off the other wall and started to help out.

While the two battled the growing flames, Asuka sat still, reading her file.

"Mentally unstable?…" She said with disbelief. Colors of rage, other than red, passed over her face and she turned the page. "Ritalin not working… Valium not working… Prozac not working… When was I taking these pills?!"

"Asuka, we could use some of your help!" Shinji screamed. A beam had toppled on top of Rei and Shinji was using a metal pole to try and lift it up so she could crawl out from under it. Asuka ignored him and stared angrily at her file.

"What the hell?! What do they mean by, 'Possible sociopath, rehabilitation needed, intense psychotherapy recommended'?!" Asuka snapped. She turned the page.

"Whoa!" Shinji yelled as a file cabinet fell onto him. "Rei, help me!"

"…" Rei grunted, lifting gingerly on the file cabinet. "…"

"What do you mean, 'I have no upper body strength'?! You're a clone! You've been pumped with tons of drugs and steroids!"

Rei removed her hands and placed them on her hips. She glared at Shinji and angrily yelled, "…"

"Well, sorry, if I'm a little pissed off! I happen to be trapped under a file cabinet in a burning room, with the only person available to save me having no strength whatsoever, and the fact that the only person here with any strength whatsoever is too busy absorbed in what a team of a bunch of social rejects in white coats, thick glasses, and suspenders thinks of her! So, sue me already!"

Rei stood there for a second and scratched her head.

"Let's get out of here." Asuka got up from her chair, completely missing Shinji's rant. She tossed her file into the fire. She just noticed Shinji, trapped like an idiot under the file cabinet. "Hey, Shinj, how'd you get trapped under there?"

Shinji glared up at her with heat-blasted eyes. Asuka strolled over, and displaying manly physique, lifted the file cabinet and tossed it off Shinji. Rei helped Shinji up. The three stood in the blazing chaos, and suddenly a thought entered Asuka's mind!

"Let's just take the elevator!" Asuka said happily, and pointed to the elevator that no one had noticed in the middle of the room, unscathed from the fire's wrath.

Shinji and Rei looked at each other, all sooty and burnt from the fire. They glared at Asuka who smiled stupidly and led the defeated pilots to the elevator. Asuka pressed the 'call' button and they stood waiting at the door. Shinji crossed his arms. Rei dusted herself of some soot. Asuka combed some of her hair with her hand. The doors opened and the three walked inside.

"Wait a second! This isn't a normal elevator at all!" Shinji gasped in terror. Asuka didn't catch on at first, and then realized by looking at it.

"My God! It's a service elevator!" Asuka screamed, grabbing her face in horror.

"…" Rei asked.

"It's a service elevator! It's what cleaning people use!" Asuka said in disgust.

"Oh no- My hand!" Shinji screamed when his finger got some sort of white substance from the button he pushed. "It's- It's- It's cleaning fluid!"

"Eww! This isn't happening! Wait- the doors! No!" Asuka screamed and jumped to stop the doors from closing. The doors shut and a strange creaking came from the elevator shaft that resembled demonic laughter.

*****

"Come, dear Ritsuko! I must find a way to sober you up somehow…" Gendo searched frantically through the NERV kitchenette refrigerators. He tossed out item after item before stopping and saying proudly, "Aha!"

He pulled out a frozen bag of peas and carrots. Ritsuko wavered slightly and looked at him through her half-hooded eyes. Gendo walked over and held the bag to Ritsuko's forehead. She resisted him at once, moaning, "I don wan no pees and karrots on my head. Wheas my MAGI?"

"Ritsuko, shut it!" Gendo slapped her, "This is a way (I think…) to sober you up. I got drunk during my last job, and used this to stay sober during a meeting. Of course, I managed to insult three board directors, drop my pants five times, and kiss another man, but I still consider it better than going in there fully drunk."

"Urrgh…" Ritsuko rolled her eyes and held the bag to her head. Gendo smiled and returned to the fridge. He pulled out a bottle on a wine and poured some of it onto a rag he pulled from a drawer. He dabbed it gently on his cut from his excursion with Fuyutsuki.

"I wonder where that old geezer went, that stupid homicidal jerk." Gendo swore, clenching his teeth from the burning feeling of the wine.

*****

"And who might you be, my little schlotzky?" Misato muttered, turning over the dead body. She saw past the ruffled gray hair and saw the terrified dead face of Fuyutsuki. Misato sighed unhappily and dropped the dead corpse's head on the ground rather hardly. "Oh great, this jerk owes me money."

Misato examined the body. There was sign of struggle. Fuyutsuki's hands were bloody, and the ends of his sleeves were partially torn. That couldn't have killed him though, Misato thought to herself. She examined the lower parts of his body. Not a scratch.

"How did they kill you?" Misato wondered aloud and then looked over at the neck, which she had ignored. There was a slit in his throat, but no blood was running out anymore. His blood hadn't been drained completely though. "What's wrong with this picture? It's a massive wound… there should be more blood…"

*****

"Why did I let this happen? Why did I let YOU let this happen?!" Shinji ranted, pulling out his hair as the service elevator moved inexplicably slow. Shinji glared out at Asuka who was standing like a frightened housewife too afraid to touch anything in the foreign kitchen of Hell.

"Okay, stick me with all the pins, will you? It's not like I had a choice, it was either flaming death or… or…" Asuka stared at the slow and ugly elevator around her, "…THIS…"

"I prefer flaming death…"

"…" Rei rolled her eyes; she wasn't at all uncomfortable in the service elevator.

"We have problems? Okay, a lot of respectable people fear service elevators!" Shinji said quickly with anger clear in his voice.

"…"

"Umm… well, Asuka and I fear it."

"And you probably think, 'What's to fear?'" Asuka droned, mocking a bored tone of voice. She then turned serious and with a wild glare in her eyes said, "But there's a lot to fear… The two entrances/exits! The disgusting condition. The strange substances on the buttons and walls. The lack of security cameras-"

"Lack of security cameras." Shinji said quietly. Asuka stopped talking and turned to look at him, now both serious.

"Do you think-"

"Someone could have used it?"

"These substances. What are they?"

"Do we have baggies? Maybe we could grab some and have Misato or Ritsuko analyze it later."

"I've got baggies." Asuka emptied her pocket and with a Q-tip, cleverly stored just for the occasion and used it to dab and put it in bags. With only two levels away from their floor, Shinji decided to watch Asuka work.

"You're doing it wrong. It's more of a 'scoop, dab, and bag'." Shinji commented.

"Stupid back-seat forensics." Asuka glared, concentrating on bagging. She dabbed the Q-tip gently and didn't stop watching the button she was scraping as Shinji pointed out that her 'scooping form' was all wrong. "Think you know everything, 'cause you're a damn Japanese."

*****

"His face. That expression of terror. Something killed him while he was dying." Misato whispered to herself. Misato paced the hallway, pondering, trying to figure out how Fuyutsuki died. "But what triggered his dying in the first place?"

Misato looked at his face and down at his mouth, there was some dried foam and looked as if something was not settling well within the Vice commander. Misato scratched her head and stood back up again. She began to pace once more and decided that she needed everyone to congregate once more.

*****

Maya paced in the main control room, biting her nails frantically and rubbing her locket as if it were a cross or something. Maya heard the door open and gasped in relief. She ran forward and threw herself onto Misato.

"Oh, thank the stars you came! I heard the message over the intercom, and hurried as quick as I could! I was all alone, and couldn't find Gendo or Ritsuko! Oh, and Fuyutsuki's the killer! He came after me when I was waiting for Gendo and Ritsuko in the pool."

"I'm just glad that you're all right." Misato said, patting Maya on the shoulder, "He didn't hurt you right?"

"No, I managed to get out through a ventilation shaft."

"Yes, we're aware. We tried to follow your path." Shinji, Asuka and Rei walked in after Misato.

"You did?" Maya said with surprise. "Too bad we didn't meet up. I was really scared, being by myself…"

"Well, maybe we should stick together now." Asuka suggested. She looked around. It was just them. "Where are Commander Ikari and the stoner?"

"I don't think Ritsuko would appreciate being called that." Maya crossed her arms and looked disapprovingly at Asuka. Asuka noticed her well-disguised anger and replied.

"How 'bout I call her whatever I want to." She said it coldly and quickly. Misato and Shinji watched silently, almost mimicking Rei's mute tone. Rei crossed her arms unhappily, she didn't like it when some wannabemute's intruded on her act.

"You should have respect for your elders." Maya said coolly, quite quickly after Asuka's reply. Asuka thought for a second and then said.

"So, would I respect you then? I mean, you've got so many wrinkles, and your ass is so saggy-"

"Asuka, um- Didn't you have something small to kill?" Misato interrupted and stepped between the two.

"Oh yes, I did have a chipmunk!" Asuka refocused and walked off.

"So, where do you think Gendo and Ritsuko have gone off to?" Shinji asked Misato.

"I have no idea." Misato whispered.

*****

"So, let's compile what we've learned." Misato sat up at the table, governing the four people sitting at it.

"So far, there have been a total of some… 2 victims?" Shinji asked, unsure of how many people actually died, probably because the show has so many brutal and pointless deaths to begin with, that people have stopped caring.

"No… There's more." Misato scratched her neck uncomfortably. "Shigeru and Makoto are the ones you know about."

"Who… else died?" Maya stammered.

"When I collapsed, after the horror, which I cannot bring myself to speak about without fainting, so I shall refer to it as 'The massacre at kitchenette, NERV' I woke up with Pen-Pen, dead, in my arms." Misato whispered.

"Oh my God… do you know who did it, Misato?" Asuka asked.

"No, I have no idea. But whoever did kill Pen-Pen was really sick to place him in my arms like that." Misato said, completely unaware that she was the one to kill him.

"So, Pen-Pen is dead." Maya whispered, in disbelief, "I can't believe that. He was so innocent."

"Not that innocent." Shinji spoke up.

"Yes, we caught him purposely destroying the MAGI, and he was ashamed of it. I was trying to communicate with him, until my…"' Misato almost broke into tears thinking about it, "Encounter… with… 'The massacre at kitchenette, NERV'. And then he was dead."

"So, is Pen-Pen the only other death we don't know about?" Asuka asked.

"No, Vice Commander Fuyutsuki is dead as well." Misato said with a heavy heart. Asuka seemed perturbed and looked at Shinji and Maya with disbelief. Shinji didn't understand and neither did Maya. Rei sat calmly through it, being bland as usual. "I found him after waking up and trying to find you kids."

"How did he die?" Misato asked.

"His throat was slit. But, I don't think that was what was killing him." Maya looked confused.

"What could have been killing him?"

"I found some residue on his lips, from some sort of foam."

"Could he have been poisoned? The foam could have been his body reacting to the poison, and dying from it." Maya suggested.

"Interesting idea."

"Oh!" Asuka yelled and pulled out the baggies, "We were unfortunately confined to using a service elevator and we discovered some chemicals on the walls and buttons that we thought could use investigation!"

"Really? Okay, Maya and I will get these taken down to the lab for analysis." Misato grabbed the baggies.

"What about us?" Shinji asked.

"I don't want you kids to come with us. It's too dangerous. That's why I want you all to hideout in the security room until we come for you."

"Hide out? What are we, in the witness protection problem?" Asuka asked, "I think we can take care of ourselves, Misato. You do understand that we pilot Eva's, don't you?" Asuka said proudly.

"What you do in an Eva and do outside of it are completely different." Misato clued Asuka in. Asuka wasn't offended at all, and seemed happy by it.

"Does that mean I'm still a virgin?" she asked.

"Oh, God. Stop this…" Misato pulled out three bottles of pills and started popping. "I don't care right now. Just go to the room, and wait there for us. Please, just do this one thing, and I promise I'll get you guys something nice."

"I love this, we challenge her and get things for it. She really is a bad parent." Asuka whispered to a disgusted, yet enlightened Shinji.

*****

"Armed?" Asuka asked.

"I think so. Does this qualify as armed?" Shinji held his wooden stick, looking it up and down. It was flimsy and pathetic.

"Of course it does, third child." Asuka laughed. "You're so silly. Besides, would you rather carry a heavy gun, like this?" Asuka modeled her flamethrower/grenade launcher/assault rifle/shotgun off to him, "Or that cute little stick?"

Shinji thought for a second and smiled, "Yeah, I think you're right!"

"Besides… I love a man who knows how to use a stick…" Asuka whispered from the corner of her mouth.

"Good." Asuka said coldly and cocked her gun. She loaded it and smiled, showing off her unsually large canines. "This will be fun." She looked over at Rei. "Liking your rock?"

Rei disliked holding the rock. She looked at it as if it was a joke. "…"

"Okay, do you want one of these heavy-"

"…!"

"Alright, so you do want one of the guns. But, with your little frame, you wouldn't be able to hold it up!" Asuka justified.

"…"

"Okay, let's get this straight. I get the gun. You get the rock. Shinji gets to hold his stick." Asuka smiled at the clever metaphor she made, and wondered if Rei or Shinji or the reading audience would get it.

"…"

"Fine, want a gun. Here's your damn gun!" Asuka tossed her a squirt gun, opened the armory door and led her followers out.

*****

"Why isn't there any danger?" Asuka moaned. "I want to shoot something."

The three walked down the hallway together. Shinji used the stick to knock against the walls, ala Tom Sawyer. Rei squirted herself in the eye. Ahead of them, they saw a door open and something was about to walk out.

"Ach! Halt! Ich werde du schiessen!" Asuka shouted. Of course, she shouted it in German. A janitor walked out, his eyes darting around, unable to comply with the German demand, "Ah! So you don't comply to my German demand! Then you die!"

Asuka pumped him full of lead, his dead body crumpling to the ground like a poor little origami crane, crushed by the hand of the stupid individual. Asuka walked over the dead body and continued on to the security room.

*****

"So, Rei, what country do you think is better?" Asuka asked. "Germany, or Japan?" Asuka was wearing her 'Gay pride' shirt, the 'Gay' being short for 'Germany'.

"…"

"That's not one of the choices!" Asuka shouted.

"Seriously, who actually picks the US?" Shinji scoffed at the thought. "Really, who?"

"…"

"You like their movies?" Asuka said with disbelief, "Their movies are crap! Please, Das Boot was oodles better than… than… than…"

"…"

"No, I'm not having a hard time picking one. It's just that there are so many, that it's hard to pick the wors- Ah! Now I remember, the worst movie of all time: Gladiator." Asuka proudly said.

"…"

"Whadya mean, 'ridiculous'?! Russell Crowe is a loser, and bad actor!" Asuka snapped.

"I still think that Japanese movies are the best…" Shinji spoke up meekly.

"Don't be stupid. 'Godzilla'? Oh my God! It's a pear shaped creature that came from the ocean! Scream and run around like idiots!" Asuka smiled.

"Whatever." Shinji rolled his eyes.

Things were quiet until Shinji spoke up.

"Hitler."

"Pikachu!"

"…" Rei got between the two arguing freaks.

"You're right. There's no reason to get mad over the fact that ASUKA IS A FACIST DICTATOR!"

"AND SHINJI IS A YELLOW CREAM PUFF WITH RED CHEEKS AND BIG EARS!"

"NAZI!"

"ELECTRIC RAT!"

"Why must you people torture me so? Don't you people understand the burden of my silence? I have a reputation to keep up you know, and I find it awful hard to stay with it when I have to deal with freaks like you! Germany sucks, and Japan blows, so deal with it! I have enough issues already going on with my identity crisis and my inferiority complex to clone number 2 (that bitch), and with that stupid Gendo molesting me every chance he gets, always saying, 'Oh Yui- Yui! YUI!' That sick pervert! And I have to deal with it all in wretched silence like this! Why, because those stupid writers at Gainax didn't develop my character enough so that she can have a conversation with anyone, except her stupid self! DO YOU UNDERSTAND how annoying it gets, when I have to say to myself, "Who are you? I am you. What is Rei? Rei is a biological creation made from the remains of Yui Ikari from her synchronization accident with Unit 1, built to be a key instrument in the Insturmentality project, and be the pilot of Unit 1, a boring plot device, used to express how disgusting Shinji gets when he lusts after his stupid faux-mother, and I-"

"Rei, are you alright? You've been silent for a long time now." Shinji tapped Rei on the shoulder, breaking her angry-mind rant.

"…"

"Oh, just thinking. Right."

Rei turned around and grabbed Shinji's neck, snapping it. She giggled crazily and leapt onto Asuka, and snapped her neck as well-

"Wonderbitch! You almost fell down that flight of stairs! Stop daydreaming!"

*****

"So, how does this thing work?" Misato asked.

"I'll tell you later. Just- don't touch anything. It's a very delicate machine." Maya typed quickly at the computer.

The baggies contents were emptied into small test tubes and were being scanned by a large machine that took up nearly the entire room. Misato was standing next to the exhaust vent and started coughing.

"Whoa, some of those science fumes are really kickin'!" Misato coughed.

"Don't be stupid, Misato." Maya was one cruel bitch, "Okay, here we have the um- Scanner thingy."

"Is that an official term?" Misato asked.

"Uh- yes!"

"Ooo…" Misato oooed and ahhed at the machine. It was purdy.

"And this is the analysis thingy, and that's an official term as well!"

"Uh-huh. Please, Maya, I already know that the 'analysis thingy' is really a chemical compound used to break up other chemical compounds, then sort them by order of protons in the nucleus and then scan them for actual analysis via that scanning thingy at the top of the machine. Duh. I'm not as stupid as I look."

"Oh…"

"What's that?!"

"That's a button, Misato."

"Ooo…"

*****

"And here's the clip!"

"Hey- hiccup! –boyz! Can I sing a little something? It's called: Sex me up, Sparky."

"Eww. What's she wearing? Does that even qualify as underwear?"

"It's apparently very trendy in America." The two kids looked over at Rei. Rei rolled her eyes and went back to being boring.

"Okay, next clip!" Shinji smiled.

"Alright…" The screen reappeared, and scrolled down. The list of clips and names was up there, until Asuka stopped at one with the title of 'Kensuke'.

"Kensuke? When was he ever in the complex?" Shinji wondered.

"I don't think he was." Click.

Kensuke slipped past the guards and through the hallway. He looked around wildly and used an ID card to access a door. It opened and he walked inside.

"Where is that room?" Shinji asked.

"We were there! It was that room with the- the camera!"

"The camera?! It must've been Kensuke's camera then!"

"It's coming together! Come'n let's go! We have to get that camera!"