Hey y'all. Sorry it took me months to finish, I was just busy writing 'Stevie's Angels' and 'Lord of the Tiaras' and I also started school in mid- August, two weeks before everyone else, 'cause I go to the NUMBER UNO school in the nation (give me a break, my school is poor) and I hope you enjoy this one last final! Remember to tell me what you think! (Oh yeah, I don't think I'll be finishing End of Genesis, Beginning of Exodus...)

******

Sex, Lies, and Kensuke's Favorite Videotape

******

"Before we go off to get the camera, I want some juice." Asuka proclaimed as if Rei and Shinji didn't have a choice.

"Do we have to?" Shinji moaned stopping once more in the hall, "You're always whining! You always want something!" Shinji screwed up his face and started mocking her, "It's like, 'Hey, Shinji, Wonderbitch, I'm hungry, let's go eat a sandwich. Hey, Shinji, Wonderbitch, my hair is limp. I need to go take a shower. Hey, Shinji, Wonderbitch, I'm pre-menopausal, do either of you have Midol?'"

"I didn't know you felt that way, Shinji." Asuka turned away from him, tears in her eyes. She covered her mouth, covering the soul-bearing frown that had once replaced her hopeful smile against all darkness.

Shinji gasped and realized the soul-wrenching words of his mocking fit. Was his deep-seated anger because of his mother's death, or his father's estrangement from him for so long? He covered his mouth in terror as well, at the man he had become. Shinji stepped out, saying, "Asuka, forgive me." His hand brushed her shoulder and she turned around, knocking his hand away, her mascara running.

"Never! How can I forgive you?" Asuka gasped, her voice quick and short to the distressed Shinji, "We made sweet love in my, your, and Misato's bed!"

"Don't forget the time we did it in the back of that taxi."

"How could I ever forget?" Asuka's eye glazed over as she remembered the good times, "The Middle Eastern cab driver's turban shaking from the fierce passion of your thrusts and the sweat that drenched the cow-hide seats? I could never forget that one-minute roller coaster of lust."

"Then why can't you forgive me, Asuka?" Shinji whispered.

"Why do you still call me 'Asuka'?" Asuka replied. Shinji gasped. "Because I'm not Asuka, I'm her evil twin, Francesca!"

"Rei, why are you always so quiet?" Asuka demanded.

"." Rei replied as they continued down the lonely corridor.

"Because you're thinking?" Asuka replied repulsed, "What could you possibly be thinking about?"

"If you leave now, Rei, my love, I feel that I shall remain in this coma forever." Shinji whispered, a black pirate patch over his eye and a small parrot in a body cast on a mini-parrot stretcher next to his own. His hand gripped Rei's, who was wearing a nurse outfit, "If not for those gang people that attacked me when I sang that sea chanty I picked up when I was sailing the Caribbean that was actually a street gang tribunal, I would have been there to pick you up at the airport."

Rei flipped her long flowing platinum blonde hair, her heavy eye liner drenched with tears. Her small nurse cap seated perfectly among the flowing gold locks that framed her perfect bust in the tight white nurse's uniform. Rei's voice, almost a whisper said, "Dear Shinji, we've gone through so much. That evil Francesca-"

"Thank God you opened that door in that pressurized cockpit during that flight to Tahiti to suck her out of the plane."

"And that horrible Asuka-"

"What did I tell you?" Shinji yelled.

"I'm sorry, Shinji," Rei gasped, "I had forgotten-"

"Forgot what? Forgot that it was her who carried three of my illegitimate children, and was her who burned down my summer estate when I refused the child support, and was her who abandoned my eldest, Shinji Jr. at the steps of the glue factory only to later buy him at a Target later and deliver him to me as adhesive?! And wasn't it her that almost took you away from me, my dear sweet Rei, the greatest love of my life, and best piece of ass in the sack ever?"

"Sometimes, I really wonder what goes on in that little blue head of hers," Asuka whispered to Shinji as Rei walked silently ahead of them, "I doubt she's thinking."

"She's very self-aware," Shinji whispered back, "She's probably wondering about something important. like the meaning of life or something."

"Bitch, why did you come back here?!" Rei slapped Asuka across the face, throwing the red-haired freak from her feet and into a cart of pills. The pills scattered across the floor in a terrible downpour, Shinji, laying in the bed from his coma, "Leave me and my lover alone!"

"I can't do that!" Asuka hissed, flipping her hair and flaunting her bejeweled fingers and neck.

"And why not?" Rei replied back.

"Because, Shinji and I, are married!" Asuka shouted, Rei screaming in shock, waking Shinji from his coma and Kiki, his pet parrot from his as well.

******

"The analysis is complete!" Maya proclaimed happily. She tore the printed hand-out from its slot and handed it to Misato. Maya turned back to the computer and muttered, "Now that you've got what you wanted, can I finish this game of solitaire in peace?!"

"Hardly. Put that seven on the eight." Misato said absent-mindedly, "It'll get rid of that column."

"What?" Maya whispered, surveying the sight of no seven or eight.

"Hmm. interesting. I've never smoked any of these chemicals before." Misato muttered surveying the list of household products, "Oh, wait, gotta correct myself. I've smoked Windex." Misato turned to Maya and asked, "Are you coming with?"

"Nah, just let me finish this last game," Maya muttered, her brow furrowed as she clicked frantically. "Stupid lemmings. Stop dying!"

******

The NERV complex was quiet, almost silent, except for the grunts and moaning of the mice which were having sex in the walls. The complex sat innocent, except for the looming evil that right now walked within its halls, waiting, just waiting, like the freaks who wait in line for Star Wars movies, for its chance to strike once more, and gut the victim in the most disgusting way possible. To play with their intestines, slash open their stomach, gouge out their eyes, and rip their legs from their body.

Meanwhile, in a corridor slightly less crazy, Asuka was pissed.

"Jesus Christ, I'm pissed." Asuka stomped her foot angrily against the door, her red flaming hair flaring out behind her with every smash of her foot. "How does the door, just suddenly, not open?!"

"Maybe it's an one-way-in-only type of door," Shinji piped up.

"."

"No, we're not climbing back into that vent!" Shinji snapped, glancing at Asuka who grinned, rubbing her fingers together while glancing down at Shinji's crotch-

"I've got an idea!" Asuka exclaimed. Her hand shot out at Shinji's crotch, who immediately recoiled, fearing the immediate castration that Asuka was known for. "I don't want that, fool! I want this!" She ripped his ID Card from the place on his waist. She slipped it through the side of the door, sliding it up and down. She eventually felt the handle to the door loosen, and Asuka pulled open the door to the utility closet of evil.

A quick reminder, the utility closet of evil houses items of victims the killer has killed, posters of movies from the 80's, pictures of that ugly RENEGADE4, and one black robe. Asuka immediately tore down the movie posters, while Shinji and Rei walked into the utility closet, recovered the video camera and the tape.

"I think all our answers could be on here." Shinji muttered, holding up the tape.

"NO ONE LIKES YOU BARBARA STREISAND!" Asuka screamed.

******

"Just, sit on the couch," said a familiar voice, reeking of gawkiness and obvious virginity.

"Just. sit down?" came another voice. Maya walked onto the screen, staring at the couch for a second and then moved to sit down. She sat on a dirty sofa in a small apartment. She was wearing a white tanktop and short shorts, "So, what should I say?"

"Doesn't matter. Do you have anything you want to say?" he asked, he being Kensuke.

"No. not really." Maya replied, pushing some stray hairs from her face back behind her ear, to make sure her dyke-a-delic haircut didn't seem too butch.

"Will you answer a question then?" Kensuke asked.

"Yes." She replied definitely.

"Describe your first sexual experience for me." he asked. The camera began to zoom in on Maya's face. Maya didn't seem uncomfortable at all, as she chuckled lightly and began to speak:

"When I was eight, it was the same day as second impact. I was spending time with my best friend, Tiffany Benihana, when suddenly, we felt the Earth shake as second impact took place. The rumble was so strong, that I fell onto Tiffany's lips," Maya recalled with great gusto.

"Did you like it?" Kensuke asked, "Did you like Tiffany's lips?"

"Well, I felt them only for a second before the tremors started and that piece of that building fell on her, but, yes, I did enjoy her." Maya recalled.

"When did you first have sex?" Kensuke asked.

"Oh, when I was in my school days, I found love with one of my professors. Ah, he was a great man," Maya said aloud, "He had these petite hands, and this skinny figure, and had long hair tied back in a pony tail. We never actually had normal intercourse, he just went down on me a lot."

"Are you sure it was a guy professor?" asked Kensuke disbelievingly.

"I'm pretty sure." Maya said hesitantly, "His name was Adrian."

"Are you sure you don't mean 'Adrianne'?"

"I believe I know who I've done, Kensuke!" Maya snapped, "You're so annoying! You're just like that horrible Makoto!"

******

"I'm every woman, it's all in meeeee." Misato hummed as she skipped down the hall, handout in hand, and brain not in her head, "Doo doo, don't a- know tha wah-urds!"

"Misato! HYAH!!!!!" came a voice. Misato twirled on the spot, gasping as a foot flung out, and cracked her right across the face.

******

"Evangelion," Ritsuko said happily, "36 points."

"Instrumentality Project," Gendo said, laying down his tiles, "101 points."

"We should learn to play this game right." Ritsuko commented as she pulled out 'Katsuragi Eats Lard' straight from the bag and laid it down on the scrabble board.

"I think it's more fun when we make up the rules," Gendo took a puff of his cigarette, "Hey! You're not allowed to use two Q's in one word!"

"That's not a 'Q', that's a 'H'." Ritsuko, now sober showed him the tile.

"Oh, sorry, it would help if I wasn't so dyslexic." Gendo took another puff of the cigarette. He set his cigarette back into the ash tray, the two Eva- buffs sitting in the cafeteria with all their thoughts bent on playing scrabble.

Suddenly, from behind, a grease pan whipped across Ritsuko's head, causing her to drop and smack it against the scrabble board. Before Gendo could look up at the assailant, a juice box smashed into his face and he fell against the scrabble board as well.

******

Maya snapped the keyboard in half, swearing profusely at the stupid solitaire game that refused to let her win. She tossed the pieces to the side, clapping her hands free of dust. A creak. Maya looked to the door. It was closed. Maya sighed in relief, quickly turning back to the computer in the lab.

Black cloth tightened. A quick movement, and a strip of black cloth fell around Maya's mouth, pulling her from her feet and dragging her along the floor as she struggled for life.

******

Misato woke up, feeling slightly bound. Her vision blurry, she saw the three MAGI in the distance and what seemed to be a red-haired whore.

"What? Am I tied up? But S&M is only for Thursdays..." Misato muttered.

"Wake up!" Asuka's brilliant voice snapped, and a clawed attack stung the side of Misato's face. Misato's vision shot back to normal, and she saw the main control room ahead of her. She realized what the bound feeling was when she tried to move her hand to slap Asuka back. Her hands were bound to the rolly chair. She looked over and saw Gendo, Ritsuko and Maya sitting up as Asuka paced around, slapping them occasionally, while Rei stood in her awkward silence, and Shinji bit his nails and adjusted his bra strap.

"Good! Now that all the old people are awake, let's get this meeting started!" Asuka shouted.

"Meeting? I never approved of any meeting!" Misato snapped, struggling with her bonds.

"Well, duh, dummkopf. If you authorized a meeting, then you probably wouldn't be tied up, now would you?" Asuka snapped. She giggled, leaning forward, "Did you enjoy that flying kick I dealt ya'?"

"Yes, just like when I enjoy mixing up my uppers and downers." Misato said dryly, reaching into her pocket with her toe, and pulling out a bottle of pills. Misato opened the bottle with her feet muttering, "Child-proof my ass!" and then taking out a pill to shove into her mouth using her toes.

"Now, why are you all here?" Shinji began, before receiving an elbow in the stomach from Asuka.

"Idiot! They already know why they're here! It's because the killer is among the four of you!"

"Of us?" Maya gasped, "Preposterous!"

"Yeah, what the lesbian said!" Misato piped up.

Asuka smiled one of those vapid smiles as she continued to pace around the four chairs that sat in a row in the main control room. Secretly, Rei didn't even know why she was there, she was missing the Friends marathon.

"Well, according to my own ideas, I believe I know who dun it!" Asuka snapped her fingers, "Shinji! Roll the tape."

The tape began to play, and Maya initially showed great embarrassment. Misato watched avidly, slightly sweating whenever Kensuke said 'sex'. Ritsuko had dozed off just as Maya started talking about her greatest love. Gendo wasn't paying attention either, and decided he was going to count the ceiling tiles in the main control room.

"337.338." with a quick kick to his shin

"Hey, pay attention! If I have to watch this crap, you do to!" Misato hissed.

"Katsuragi, you made me lose count! I am so telling SEELE on you!" Gendo hissed back.

"Stop talking!" Asuka snapped, swatting them both across the face with a chair.

The tape finished and the four adults remained unmoved. No one bothered to look at Maya, even though she was sweating like George W. Bush during that drug test.

"So?" Misato asked bluntly.

"After seeing that film, it opened our eyes to what was really going on," Shinji said, "But of course, we needed to milk a little more information from Rei."

The four adults glanced at Rei, who was slightly taken aback from the sudden surge of attention. Rei fondled with her hair and leaned back against the desk.

{{{{ "Tell us what we want to know, Wonderbitch!" Asuka yelled. Shinji held Rei's arms back, preventing her from stopping the rabid Asuka. A bit of phlegm flew from the foam around Asuka's mouth and onto the tearful face of Rei Ayanami. Asuka held the final Hello Kitty doll over the industrial size blender, the whirring blades inches away from the soft white plush. A single tear fell down Rei's pale, white, albino face.}}}}

Rei teared up once more, the small tattered red bow sitting in her calloused hands from all those days when she worked in the salt mines for food. Asuka smiled, realizing that she had traumatized the already screwed up girl even further than she had been before.

"What did Rei tell you?" Misato asked.

"She told me what was really happening between the commander and Fuyutsuki!" Asuka proclaimed.

{{{{Rei stepped out from the school front doors, surging teens pushing past her. Rei walked out slowly, her head hung down as she walked to the edge of the sidewalk to wait for her ride. She checked her watch, as the river of students slowly decreased until she was the only one left. Suddenly, car pulled up.

"Hey, Rei!" came a voice from the car. Rei looked shocked at the dirty car that had pulled up in front of her. Vice Commander Fuyutsuki smiled from the driver's seat at her.

"..." Rei said quietly.

"Ikari's busy selling his soul to the devil. He sent me to pick you up, Rei." Fuyutsuki explained. Rei stood reluctantly, but soon reached out her hand and opened the door, sliding into the car.

******

"So, Rei, how was your day?" Gendo asked, playing with the asparagus on his plate. The dim lighting of the dining room played into the cozy family setting Gendo was trying to set up. Ritsuko sat at the head of the table, drinking heavily from a wine bottle.

"." A piece or broccoli entered Rei's mouth, Rei chewing on it delicately, and then pulling up her napkin to spit the broccoli back out. Rei needed to lose weight; plug-suit season was coming up.

"Was Fuyutsuki a bitch?" Gendo asked, "I can get his soul ripped from his body if he was."

"."

"Hear that, hunny, the old fart was nice!" Ritsuko muttered, pouring some wine down her throat. She slammed the bottle back down on the table, spraying Rei's face with alcohol. "Do you know what that bitch, Misato said to me? She said that I was out of line! What does she know about the line? I wrote the book on the f**king line when I started sleeping with damaged goods over here." Ritsuko pointed at Gendo. Gendo smiled weakly and pushed Ritsuko from her chair to the ground. He turned back to Rei and smiled, while Rei pulled out a piece of steak from her mouth and tossed it away.

"So, what did you and Fuyutsuki talk about?" Gendo asked.

"."

"You talked about extra-curricular activities?" Gendo repeated, appalled.

"."

"You're on your school's cheerleading team now?!"

"."

"You're captain?!"

"."

"Commander Fuyutsuki's even buying you your uniform?"

"."

******

"This ridiculousness has gone on long enough, Fuyutsuki!" Gendo snapped at Fuyutsuki in his crazy big office, "Rei will not be a cheerleader! I forbid it!"

"Well, Rei wants to be a cheerleader! She doesn't want to be some hulking, ghost-like entity in the sky with the collection of all the souls on Earth in her grasp!" Fuyutsuki shouted back.

"Stop this nonsense, now, Fuyutsuki, or I may have to take measures of my own to stop you," said Gendo, snapping one of the Mickey mouse pencils on his desk in half.}}}}

"So. Gendo killed those people." Misato gasped.

"What! I didn't do anything!" Gendo struggled in his restraints. He glared at Rei, who avoided his gaze by shutting her eyes, while walking away.

"Au contraire, monsieur Stupide," Asuka smiled. Rei bumped her head into a wall. Asuka continued to pace around the darkened meeting hall and said, "That's because Gendo Ikari killed Fuyutsuki!"

Misato and Maya stared at Gendo. Ritsuko snored. A loud clash and they all turned to see Rei feeling her way around a bunch of loose objects, like a few books, a computer, and Misato's standards for relationships.

Gendo sat uncomfortable under the eyes of everyone. He sighed and said frantically, "Yes, yes, it's true! But it was self-defense!"

"Self-defense my ass," Asuka turned around and showed them her butt, "Which happens to be completely natural, unlike some people's." Misato shifted uneasily in her seat.

"My father, said, 'He would take care of things himself be necessary, and that's exactly what he did!" Shinji exclaimed.

"But, how did Rei find out what was going on in Gendo's office?" Maya asked.

"Umm." Asuka grinned awkwardly, and turned to Rei, who had a bucket on her head and was wandering around aimlessly, "Rei was watching from the broom closet."

"So, Gendo poisoned Fuyutsuki?" Misato asked.

"But none of those chemicals were dangerous at all! Remember the scan, Misato?" Maya exclaimed.

"They weren't?" said Asuka, genuinely surprised. Shinji pushed her off to the side and began his tale of the events.

"Yes, they weren't poisonous," Shinji said, "However, it wasn't those chemicals that Gendo fed Fuyutsuki! Gendo fed Fuyutsuki a burrito laced with arsenic!"

"A chalupa of death!" Misato gasped vapidly.

"Yes, Mexican food has never been so noxious." Asuka hissed.

"But what about the stab marks I found in Fuyutsuki's neck?" Misato asked.

"Those stab marks were actually the handiwork of a certain Maya!"

"What? I never!" gasped an insulted Maya.

"Maya tried to kill Fuyutsuki using an ice pick, managing to catch him just as the effects of the arsenic were taking place. She stabbed him in the neck, dealing the final blow to kill him." A shocked and found out Maya struggled against her bonds. She bit her lip, knowing that she needed to escape before they would find out the entire truth.

"So, Maya and Gendo killed Fuyutsuki," said Misato in great awe, sitting with her pretty purple head empty as the day when she was born.

"But they did it both together coincidentally," Asuka piped up, "Maya had different motives than trying to prevent a teen from having a life."

{{{{ "That angel attack was the worst!" Shigeru exclaimed, combing his dull brown hair in the reflection of the microwave, "I thought it would never end."

"Yeah, it was really great how it basically swallowed Shinji and Unit 1, who then later ripped it apart from the inside-out." Makoto said, finishing his sandwich and moving on to a chicken salad.

Makoto, Shigeru, Anne and Mike were the only NERV employees eating in the kitchenette at that hour; the other NERV employees going back to the sleep- pods to rest for 8 hours, then awake and begin their tedious lives all over again.

"So, Mike, how was your son's bar mitzvah?" Shigeru asked.

"You know us Jewish Japanese, the big party goers we are!" Mike chuckled, "Oy vey, my son is a man. He'll be learning how to circumcise soon-"

"Hey, y'all!" announced Maya, strolling into the kitchenette. Shigeru moved out of the way as she went to open the fridge. Makoto took a big bite out of a piece of lettuce he was eating. Anne sipped her green tea quietly, sensing the immediate tension in the room as Maya rummaged through the leftovers in the fridge, waggling her big butt around for everyone to see. "Has anyone seen my roasted chicken salad?"

"Angel ate it." Shigeru said quickly, chuckling with the others silently as Maya slammed the fridge shut.

"I heard that, Shigeru," Maya sneered, "Now, where's my dinner?"

"Is that it?" Anne asked, trying to help by pointing over to some meal on a cabinet. Maya pulled the meal down, which turned out to be a hot pocket.

"Does this look like a salad, Anne? Huh? Does it?" Maya tossed the hot pocket at Anne's head. "Moron! It's a hot pocket! Not a salad! HOT POCKET!"

Anne burst into tears, the salty streams pouring down her face amongst the flaky crumbs from the hot pocket now lying in her lap. She pushed her chair out, getting up unsteadily and running from the kitchenette. Anne committed suicide later that night.

"Now, where's my salad, you losers?" Maya snapped.

"I'd love to help, Maya," Makoto stood up abruptly, quickly swiping his food into the trash, "But I've got to go off and, er- compute things." Makoto shuffled off quickly as Maya sighed heavily and sat down at the table to Mike and Shigeru's dismay.

Maya examined her fingernails and noticed the dried blood beneath them. She shrugged and looked over at Shigeru, who was admiring his reflection in a spoon. Mike was doing the crossword puzzle in JAP JEW WEEKLY, as he took big bites of some bagel and lox. Maya's eyes fell upon the empty spot where Makoto had been sitting. A small drip of ranch dressing on the table. Maya's eyes followed it as it smeared along the table and into the trash.

Maya got up from the table, pushing Shigeru out of her way, walking around the circular table a full rotation so she could push Mike down too. Making her way to the trash can, Maya ripped the top off to see her half-eaten salad lying amongst Makoto's cheese burger and steak fries. from.

"Applebee's..." Maya hissed. Maya's eyes slanted and shot out, piercing the walls of the complex, straight into small crawl space in the walls of the women's locker room, Makoto, with a cigarette in his mouth, kneeling in front of a small hole.}}}}

"Makoto stole your food?" Misato said bewildered, "That was your motivation for knocking the bitch off?"

"Yes! It was!" Maya began to break down into tears, "That jerk had been stealing my lunches for weeks straight! He had it comin'! He had it comin'!"

"How did you do it?" Misato asked.

Maya started to cackle diabolically, "It was so easy. All I needed was an accomplice."

{{{{ "I'm sorry, Charles Manson is busy," said the woman over the phone line, "He's currently in talks with three different TV networks to sell his story to them on how he managed to get all those people killed. Those TV networks are such geniuses; exploiting the deaths of those people like that for ratings. I admire them."

"Well, I don't!" Maya snapped, "You can tell NBC that they can suck their sucky Thursday line-up!"

Maya slammed the phone back down onto the receiver. She sighed loudly, scratching another name off the list of the craziest people in the world. She looked at the next name on the list, Asuka Langley Soryu.

******

"Can I join you?" Maya asked politely. Asuka looked up from her plate of fried chicken. A large drumstick in her mouth, Asuka motioned Maya to sit down across from her. The cafeteria was busy and bustling with the many extras of Neon Genesis Evangelion.

"I was just wondering what you were doing this weekend." Maya asked, a bit of chicken flying onto her cheek, "Because I've got a-"

"I'm not spending it with you," Asuka mumbled ripping apart a chicken wing.

"Well, would you like to change your plans?"

"Not really. I enjoy not being around you."

"Are you sure? I'll give you candy."

"The answer is no," Asuka spat out a few chicken vertebrae from her mouth, and Maya stalked off.

******

"Die! DIE!" Asuka screamed, "Why won't you die?!"

"Because I have invincibility and unlimited ammo!" Shinji laughed back. Asuka jammed her thumbs into the buttons as quickly as possible, furious sweat drenching her pajamas.

"BASTARD!" Asuka screamed. The screen showed her character dying yet again, while Shinji's remained unscathed from her assault. "Dammit! Stupid Shinji!" Asuka leaned over and wrenched the controls from his hand, tossing them against the wall just as Misato walked around the corner.

"Oh," she said, "Did you two find out how I beat all your high scores and wrote dirty words?"

"No! Shinji won't let me win!" Asuka whined. She turned onto Shinji, "Show some chivalry, jerk!"

"If I'm to show chivalry, then you have to act like a lady." Shinji spat back.

"Hey! What did I say?" Misato yelled angrily from the doorway, "There will be no acting like a lady under my roof!"

"Hear that, Shinj? Stick that up your entry plug." Asuka taunted. She got up off her butt to head to her room, but first kicked the Xbox they had been playing across the room, and muttered, "Stupid Bill Gates. Why couldn't you have just died in Second Impact like all your competitors?"

"Shinji, why don't you go to bed?" Misato yelled from the kitchen.

"I'm not tired though." Shinji moaned back.

"Silence, Shinji!" Misato walked back into the living room, beers in hand and joint in mouth, "How'm I supposed to get wasted if you're staring at me all the time?"

"Fine!" Shinji snapped a furious tone in his voice Misato had only heard when Shinji found out that he had testicular cancer.

Misato settled herself onto the couch, smoking at the joint and sipping beer from the two cans simultaneously. She clapped on the TV and felt herself grow tired, from both it being so late and the fact that Will and Grace is such a repetitive show.

Her gentle snoring filled the apartment with some noise Pen-Pen could listen to other than the mice having sex in the walls. He sat up in his little fridge, waddled over to the door and opened it. He waddled out into the kitchen, the moon shining its psychedelic moonbeams onto the kitchen floor.

He heard a click and a door opening in the distance. Pen-Pen heard footsteps and then the shuffling of feet. The light switched on and for an instant Pen-Pen had no idea who the dark figure was. Once his eyes adjusted, he realized that Maya from Misato's work was standing in front of him. And what was she wearing?!

"Stupid boobs. Stop falling out," Maya grumbled, stuffing her breasts back into the barely-there top. She suddenly noticed Pen-Pen staring at her knockers. She grinned, leaning slightly over so that now 90% of her breasts showed, "Why, hello there, little Pen-Pen!"

Pen-Pen waddled over and then Maya realized that he was a penguin. He couldn't speak.

"Oh yeah, you can't speak," Maya sneered. Suddenly, Lara Flynn Boyle from MIB 2 and The Practice walked in, here massive lips absorbing all light from the room.

"Well, I do." Lara said, "Allow me to translate!"

"Thank you, Lara, and-" Maya leaned in, "Eat something."

Pen-Pen looked at his luscious break-and-enter ladies and then over into the living room to witness Misato snoring. He was glad that they were bad.

He squawked.

"He says, 'You two are hot.'" Lara translated. She leaned into Maya and whispered, "Not very tactful is he?" "No. Not at all." Maya grinned, her boob popping out, but she ignored it, "And that's exactly why I need him."

"Need him for what?" Lara asked.

"Shut it, Lara! Why don't you go bang Jack Nicholson again?!" Maya snapped, Lara bursting into tears and limping away. Maya focused back on Pen-Pen and said, "What would you be willing to do to have penguin sex with me?"

Penguin began squawking frantically.

"Anything, you squawk? Then I have the perfect job for you."}}}}

"I promised Pen-Pen that I would have a day of penguin sex if he would agree to kill Makoto for me." Maya smiled, "Of course, I would immediately deny that we ever made such a deal, and then I'd give him to the Tokyo zoo."

"But things didn't go smoothly, did they, Maya?" Asuka hissed. Maya smiled and said, "No, they didn't.

"At first, I didn't know how I would sneak that stupid little penguin into the complex. Of course, when Shigeru was mysteriously killed, I knew it was my chance to bring Pen-Pen into the complex. I had him use the secret passage connecting the pool to the command room to secretly follow Misato, Makoto, and myself. When we reached the pool, I purposely led Misato and Makoto over to the secret passage.

"But Pen-Pen would never have been able to kill Makoto with Misato around, she would have shot him, just like everything else. So, I left the screen door to NERV headquarters open, left a trail of hobo bait, and sure enough, a hobo came. Once I opened the secret passage and brought Misato with me, Pen-Pen snuck out. Once the secret passage closed, I knew that Makoto was dead."

"That makes sense! Pen-Pen was the masked figure that fell into the pool, but managed to jump out!" Shinji gasped.

"However, there was the problem of dealing with the security cameras stationed around the complex. However, I had given Pen-Pen my security card so he could enter the complex and move around. I entered the security room via Ritsuko's card. There, I drugged her and deleted the files of Pen-Pen moving into the complex.

"Once I got rid of them, there still were the backup copies in the MAGI, so I had Pen-Pen destroy those as well. Plus, I didn't like how Ritsuko obsessed over those stupid super computers, and I needed to get the distractions out of her way so I could be the only one in her life."

"But why did you kill Fuyutsuki?" asked Misato.

"When I was by the pool, Fuyutsuki attacked the door, trying to get at Gendo, who I didn't know was trying to kill Fuyutsuki. Gendo convinced my that Fuyutsuki was the killer, and I feared that Ritsuko's life was in danger, so I had to take preventive actions to make sure that my dear Ritz cracker didn't bite the big one." Maya hissed.

"Wait, what about Fuyutsuki?" Asuka asked.

"What do you mean?" Gendo asked, suddenly feeling all the eyes on him once more.

"Did you try to kill Fuyutsuki before, at the pool!"

"Yes. I did!" Gendo admitted, "It all began when the Shigeru was first murdered. Fuyutsuki and I were paired up to patrol the hallways, so we went. However, Fuyutsuki and I weren't on the friendliest of terms. We were walking past a flight of stairs and I knew it was my chance. I pushed him as hard as possible. Of course, my shirt was snagged on his own, and we toppled down the stairway together. Our clothes opened and tore, so it seemed as if we had had sex when we returned to the control room-"

"Scheisse!" Asuka whispered as Shinji shot her a look of loathing.

"As I was sprawled on the ground with Fuyutsuki, I saw Rei standing at the height of the stairs, looking down at us. I signaled to her, and she knew what to do. What to do, was to bring me the poison that I would later slip into Fuyutsuki's blood stream when I got the chance."

"So is that where Wonderbitch went off when we were together, Shinji?" Asuka whispered.

"Must be it." Shinji whispered back, "So she didn't kill anyone after all."

"So I injected Fuyutsuki with the needle full of arsenic that Rei found when Misato was emptying her jacket. He fought back, but I ran. I took Ritsuko with me just because I didn't want her being around that freak, Maya."

The group was silent as the information settled in.

"Now, will you let us go?" Gendo asked.

"What? Are you insane?" Shinji shouted.

"You mean you're not letting us go?" Maya asked.

"But I thought we were doing you guys a favor from killing off the characters who really didn't matter!" Gendo shouted.

"That's what you thought!" Asuka yelled, "You're going to jail for a long time!"

"You kids can't prove anything!" Maya shouted. Asuka and Shinji glared at her for a second and then Maya said, "Oh yeah, we confessed everything."

Maya struggled in her seat, leaned over and bit at her ropes. Her little whore teeth worked at it and she was free. Maya pushed Shinji out of the way and knocked Asuka over, scrambling toward the door. Gendo quickly gnawed at his bindings, breaking free to follow after Maya.

"Stop them! Justice must be served!" Asuka yelled.

Ritsuko yawned, and was suddenly awake. She stretched out and her legs intercepted Maya and Gendo's feet, tripping them both. Misato wheeled out in her roller chair, drawing her second gun from her boot and firing a single shot into Gendo's head.

Gendo flopped to the ground as Maya said, "I'm so sorry, my love."

She pulled Ritsuko's chair down, shielding herself from any gun fire. Misato bit her lip as Ritsuko stared lazily at something. Asuka quickly freed Misato from her bindings. Misato, Rei, Asuka, and Shinji stood still across from Maya and the hostage Ritsuko. Maya held Ritsuko close to her body, edging away faster and faster.

"Oh, cut the drama." Asuka groaned, "Shoot them both."

Misato nodded and fired fourteen shots into Ritsuko. Ritsuko collapsed and Maya tossed the lifeless body away, scrambling to her feet she ran away, Misato firing the final bullet in the chamber into her. Maya's body crumpled to the ground, and the final four stood and sighed, or in Rei's case, muted.

******

"Thanks for all your help, Commander Katsuragi," said the police chief, "And congratulations on your promotion by default."

"Thank you," Misato said, smiling, "And thanks for all your help. Maybe I can finally leave and get those highlights."

"Say, Miss Katsuragi, if you're not doing anything tonight." said the police chief suggestively.

"Does this romance you imply involve hard liquor? 'cause if it does, I'm all up for it!" Misato smiled and walked off with the police chief.

The three children sat together in the main control room in each of the three dead Lieutenant's chairs.

"Wow." Shinji muttered.

"We solved a crime!" Asuka said happily.

"Yeah." Shinji whispered, absorbing it all.

"Wanna go get some ice cream?" Asuka asked the other children.

"Sure." Shinji said.

".!!!"

"Wha-" Shinji gasped.

"No. I forgot! I completely forgot!" Asuka shouted.

"Who killed Shigeru and Pen-Pen?!"

{{{{Misato sighed groggily in her bed, rolling about. She leaned up, eyes closed, a faint snore emitting from her nose. She got out of bed and absent- mindedly pulled on her robe. She felt for the gun she kept in the pocket. Misato walked out of the door groggily, her eyes still closed. She was sleepwalking.

Misato walked all the way into the control room where Shigeru was sitting quietly at his console. He turned around and smiled upon seeing her. Her eyes were still closed. He got up. He muttered something Misato couldn't understand. Misato yawned, reached into her pocket and fired.}}}}

"I guess we'll never know." Shinji muttered.

"Yeah. but, who really does care? The show ended years ago!" Asuka laughed and the three walked off into the sunset together, not caring that practically the entire cast of the show died in one night.

EPILOGUE:

Misato made it to the big time as a showgirl in Las Vegas. She only had to sleep with three guys to get the role. Her past average was six.

Asuka became a neuro-surgeon and managed to successfully put a brain into that empty cavity of a head George W. Bush has.

Shinji got the sex change and is now called Shinjette. You can currently see him playing Janet Reno in the off-broadway show: "Honey, I shot the transvestite!"

Rei was diagnosed as autistic and shipped off to a mental institution where she was drugged up for twenty six years and released into the custody of a Mexican man named Julio. She was never heard from again.

The End.

ONE LAST FINAL.

"Ha! Shinji may have destroyed my body, but my spirit shall live forever!" cackled a voice, "FOREVER I SAY! And I can watch these great movies from the 80's forever!" the dark utility closet filled with cobwebs as an invisible entity, Kaworu appeared to survey all the mementos he had stolen off of the dead bodies.

"MWA HA HAHA HA HAH AHA!" Kaworu cackled. He pushed the tape into the VCR and watched as the movie began to play. Kaworu smiled, but then it turned to a frown as he realized. "Bastards at Blockbuster! They gave me the wrong fucking tape! DAMMIT!"

FIN