~~~~When They All Found Out~~~~

A series of fics by Mizzy (castle_ebgb@yahoo.co.uk), all on the "What if…" premise of:
"What if they all found out about Monica and Chandler in a different way to the series?" All of the fics are stand-alone, unrelated to each other.

Friends does not belong to me, it belongs to Bright-Kauffman-Crane productions and WB. I'm just playing in the sandpit of "Friends", and I will return everything - including buckets, spades and starfish - when I'm done.

Dedicated to fellow C/M addict, AnHonestMoose ()

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(iii) The One With The Argument

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(Assuming no one knows. Takes place... half-way through Season 5. Ish.)

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"You know, I so don't want to be here right now," Chandler said angrily, getting to his feet and storming out of Monica and Rachel's apartment, the clattering of the mirror frame against the door ringing into the apartment long after he'd disappeared.

Monica wrung her hands, made as if to move to the door, and then thought better of it. He was just being so- so- insensitive! All she'd said, when he brought up the idea of telling everyone, was that she was scared of how the others would react, especially as she'd made the mistake of dating a best friend before, and it had all ended horribly.

Apparently Chandler had taken her words directly to heart, declaring loudly that if she thought he was a mistake, maybe she should have said so earlier. Monica hadn't meant it at all like that, she'd meant that it had been a mistake before, and the others would at first only see that it was the same kind of situation and instantly think it doomed, but she couldn't get the words out, and now Chandler was gone and she was left alone in the apartment, hating herself, hating the situation, hating Chandler's damn stupidity and his stubbornness. Why, if he would just loosen up and not be so obdurate and understand what she was trying to say, maybe they wouldn't have these silly disagreements...

Something in Monica was churning inside, and she ignored the uncomfortable feeling that was trying to tell her that maybe this argument wasn't quite so silly as all the other ones, and maybe this one was her fault. On reflection, her heated choice of words weren't very delicate... but Monica wasn't the kind of woman to stand down and admit she was wrong easily.

Even though it hurt, she turned staunchly away from the door and stomped back off to bed, leaving Chandler time to stew on his own.

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Of all the stupid, idiotic, ridiculous things to say! Chandler stormed into his own room in a fury, slamming the door in an attempt to try and make himself feel better. She thinks this is a mistake, his brain shouted at him furiously. She thinks this is a mistake.

Letting out a growl and kicking the first thing in range, Chandler winced as the small desk in the corner of his bedroom collapsed and clattered to the ground in a flurry of wood and paper. "Damn thing!" he yelled, aggrieved. Then he paused. "Huh, that helped a little," he commented softly to himself. Looking around wildly, he jumped over to his chest of drawers and pulled out the inflatable hammer that had been a joke present last Christmas from one of the few work friends he had left. Blowing it up, he yelled a battle cry and started hitting everything in sight. Including a drowsy looking Joey, who had opened his door in the middle of his inflatable hammer-fest and was now looking a little angry. Not as angry as me, Chandler defended, feeling a little ashamed.

"Dude, we're trying to sleep through here. Can you keep your yelling down?" Joey scowled. "What are you so mad about, huh?"

Chandler dropped the inflatable hammer. "Uh, just something someone said."

"Hm. Keep the yelling down, okay?"

"Okay," Chandler muttered. "She spent the night?"

"Didn't you hear the yelling?" Joey smiled and nodded at the memory.

Chandler hadn't, because he'd been over in Monica's room, making a little noise of his own seeing as Rachel was out for the night. He covered up the sudden blush that threatened with a quick question. "Is she hot?"

Joey instantly smirked. "Oh, yeah."

Chandler let out another battle yell and bashed Joey over the head with the inflatable hammer again. Joey stormed away, returned with a knife and stabbed a hole in his inflatable toy. Chandler watched it deflate with a pout.

"There's this little thing called therapy for this kind of thing," Joey admonished, a little more awake now.

"Someone just put a hole in my therapy," Chandler accused, casting around for something else to hit Joey with. Joey backed out of the room pretty quickly. Chandler sighed, dropping onto the bed, deciding to wait for her to apologise.

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Phoebe had brought sandwiches for lunch.

If she'd brought any other kind of food, it might have meant that Chandler could have got out of it, but as it was a public holiday, and it was sandwiches, Joey dumped his date a minute before they were due across at the girls' apartment, and dragged Chandler across with him.

Joey couldn't believe that a) Chandler would want anything for lunch that wasn't sandwiches, and b) that Chandler would want to duck out of such a hallowed tradition, of eating lunch as a group when none of them were working. It didn't happen often, but when it did, the group lunch happened without fail.

As it was, the others seemed to notice there was something wrong. How couldn't they, Chandler moped. Monica can barely look at me. Even Rachel, tired from her obviously fruitful night by the smirk on her face, noticed.

"Can you pass the salt," he said out loud, looking down at his egg mayonnaise sandwich. When no one passed it to him, he looked up in surprise. The salt was sat by Monica. He rolled his eyes, and resigned himself to eating a salt-less sandwich again.

"Mon, Chandler asked for the salt," Ross said, around a mouthful of ham and mustard sandwich.

"Oh, it's okay," Chandler broke in, his tone clipped. "She dropped the salt last time, maybe she's scared she'll make the same mistake twice."

"I don't do that," Monica protested sourly, picking up the salt and angrily pushing it at him. "I don't make the same mistake twice!"

"Apparently you do!" Chandler muttered into his sandwich, roughly taking a chunk out the sandwich and chewing.

"Okay, I'm definitely missing something here," Rachel said. "Have you two fallen out or something?"

"No."

"No."

"Are you sure? 'Cause it would explain the yelling." Joey was reverently holding his last mouthful of bacon and mustard sandwich. Ross, Monica, Rachel and Phoebe looked at him quizzically. "Chandler hit me with his blow-up hammer this morning." Joey paused for effect. "Twice."

"Chandler," Phoebe admonished. "No donut for you!"

"You didn't bring donuts," Chandler muttered.

"Well, if I had, you couldn't have one, grumpy guts," Phoebe said, narrowing her eyes in her approximation of an evil eye.

"If you'd brought them, maybe I wouldn't want one!" Chandler retorted, raising his eyebrows and folding his arms, not even flinching when Joey stole the rest of the sandwich from his plate.

"Well, you don't have to want one," Phoebe said. "'Cause now I've hypothetically brought chocolate chip cookies."

Chandler made a growling sound in the back of his throat and covered his face with one hand.

"Someone said something to upset him," Joey explained, through a mouthful of egg mayonnaise.

"Monica, did you insult another of his jokes?" Ross chided his sister, glaring at her.

Monica pulled a face. "No!"

"Another of my jokes?" Chandler's eyebrows twitched. "I guess maybe I'm the joke this time." He stood up, pushing the chair away and stomped over the door, yanking it open and walking outside. Monica screwed up her nose and folded her arms, mimicking his words in an incoherent mumble.

"He looked really mad," Rachel commented, noticing Joey's hand sneak towards her half-eaten ham salad sandwich, and she slapped her own hand down, digging in her nails. Joey winced and pulled his hand away, holding it with his other hand and pouting.

The door slammed open again, before Monica could work up a retort to Rachel's comments. "And another thing!" Chandler said loudly, hanging onto the door handle and looking angry. "It's not me and it is you and you wouldn't have said it if you didn't mean it!"

Monica growled and launched herself off her seat to the door. Chandler held her gaze furiously before turning and starting to storm into the hallway. "I never said it wasn't me!" Monica said, the words harsh and clipped, standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips. Chandler's brow furrowed and he exhaled sharply. Monica smiled falsely at him, a brief quirk of her lips, and turned on her heel heading back into the apartment. Chandler followed, eyebrows slanted in his fury.

"Like I'm supposed to believe you mean what you say anymore. You said it was a mistake and then you said you didn't mean it. Am I supposed to take everything you say as true or false?" Chandler nodded exaggeratedly, sure of himself, his arms folded over his chest.

"It was the wrong word in the heat of the moment!" Monica shrieked. "And that's a disease in my family! Look at my brother!"

Everyone, who had been following the argument disbelievingly, turned to face Ross. Ross blinked in wide-eyed astonishment, then glared accusingly at Monica. "What have I got to do with this?"

Monica held out one hand apologetically. "Sorry, Ross, but you did say Rachel and not Emily at your wedding."

Ross scowled. "Thanks so much for the reminder, Monica."

Monica bobbed a small curtsey. "You're welcome."

Chandler's look was less angry, softened with the shade of calculation on his face. "So you didn't mean it?"

Monica's face relaxed, and her tone softened as she stepped forwards, taking his hands in her own. "No, sweetie. I didn't mean it."

"We're not instantly doomed?"

"Not as far as I know." Monica let go of his hands, and squinted a smile at him. Chandler smiled back.

"Good."

"Why would you be instantly doomed?"

Monica turned at the sound of Rachel's questions, and tried not to grimace. Rachel saw the strained expression on her friend's face before Monica managed to hide it with a more neutral expression, and her mouth fell open.

"Oh, no," Rachel whispered, her voice raising as she voiced her suspicion. "No. No."

"Oh no!" Chandler repeated, realising that Rachel had worked out the truth behind the argument. "SHE KNOWS! SHE KNOWS!"

"She knows what?" asked a bemused Phoebe.

Monica and Chandler exchanged a panicked glance and then leapt at Rachel. Rachel squeaked, and started to run around the sofa to the TV area. Monica ran around while Chandler leapt over the sofa, messing up the cushions and landing in front of Rachel. Shrieking, Rachel backed up against the TV cabinet.

"Hurt me, I'll squeal," Rachel promised, holding up her hands to make Chandler and Monica back off.

"What, are we in prison now?" Chandler asked, the stressed expression still on his face.

Rachel squinted at him. "You're in no position to- HEY!" From up on Monica's shoulder, she kicked a little and pouted as Monica dragged her into her room and deposited Rachel on the bed while Chandler slammed the door shut behind them. Rachel glared at them from the bed, but refrained from screaming. Monica could be scary when she wanted to be, and this was one of those moments.

Chandler secured the door with another chair, knowing it wouldn't block out the sounds.

"You make a sound too loud, I'll throw you out the window," Monica warned, looking meaningfully at the window.

Rachel gulped. She lifted up one perfectly manicured hand and pointed at Chandler with raised eyebrows.

"You and him?" Rachel asked Monica, incredulous.

"Yes, but you can't say anything, Rach. No one else knows," Monica said softly.

"Oh, this is huge, this is huge." Rachel fanned her hands against her face. "For how long? And why didn't you tell me?"

"Since London," Chandler said softly, looking at Monica gently.

"Since London!" Rachel's voice increased in volume, and Monica unconsciously did Ross' 'put the sound down' gesture. Rachel winced.

"We wanted to tell you," Monica said, her voice low. "But well- It was going so well when no one knew, we didn't want to spoil it."

"And then there's the whole Kip mistake," Rachel said, looking from Chandler to Monica, confused as to why Chandler started to repeatedly hit his forehead with his hand and Monica's eyes bugged. She pulled a face. "Monica use that word to describe you two as well, huh?"

Chandler nodded. "But I know this isn't a mistake. I know. This isn't a mistake, 'cause I love her."

There was a small clattering sound at the door.

"Your door isn't really sound-proof," Rachel commented lightly, still looking quite happy that she was the first to be told.

Chandler's lips quirked, and she strode over to the door, jerking it open with his right hand. Ross, Joey and Phoebe abruptly pretended to study the carpet. "That's right. I'm in love with Monica," he said, shutting the door and dusting his hands off.

Rachel squeaked, clapping her hands together. "This is so great!"

"Yeah," Monica agreed, crossing the room. "I love you too." She kissed Chandler and he enthusiastically returned the kiss.

Rachel frowned. "Y'know, I didn't really need to see that, thanks."

They continued kissing. It was a make-up kiss, after all, as well as one of relief that they could be public and not sneak around any more. Rachel slid off the bed and hopped out the room, shutting the door behind her and tripping over Joey and Phoebe in her rush, landing on the floor in an inelegant heap.

"So that was what they were arguing about!" Phoebe said. "Chandler loves Monica but she doesn't love him!"

Joey's jaw dropped as he bent down to help Rachel up. "Really? 'Cause I just thought those two were an item, but your version makes more sense!"

Ross frowned. "So they're in there talking about it? I'm gonna go in there, and talk some sense into her! My sister and my best friend dating, how cool would that be?" He headed forwards towards the door and disappeared through it.

Rachel winced. "Uh Ross I wouldn't-" she started.

There was a strangled feminine scream, from Ross.

"-go in there," she finished, sagging.

Phoebe and Joey peered around the corner in amusement at the scene of Chandler trying to get out of the window and Monica holding Ross back.

"So they're dating, right?" Joey commented out of the side of his mouth.

"Oh, yeah," Rachel affirmed.

"I liked my version better," Phoebe said. Rachel and Joey looked at her quizzically. "Well, I did! It was so romantic." She clasped her hand and stared off into the distance. Rachel and Joey tried to follow her gaze and exchanged a confused glance when they didn't see anything.

"You know, that's the first time I've heard you mention romantic when you're talking about Chandler," Rachel said, squeezing Phoebe's shoulder.

Phoebe smirked. "That you know about," she said, turning on her heel and over to the table. "JOEY! Did you eat all the remains of the sandwiches?"

Joey froze by the open fridge, in the middle of reaching for a carton of orange juice. "Uh- yeah?"

"Oh, thank goodness. Now we can start eating the hypothetical cookies." Phoebe settled down on one of the chairs.

"Hypothetical? What kind of weird-ass flavour of cookie is that?" Joey demanded. Disgusted, he sat down on another chair and pulled a face. He looked up as the door to Monica's bedroom opened again. Ross walked through, smirking, and Monica and Chandler walked through, his arm loosely around her waist. Chandler was smiling, but had a curious bruise on his forehead. "Ross, man, you hit him?" Incredulous, Joey glared at Ross.

Chandler looked embarrassed. "Nuh. I hit my head on the fire escape latch."

"It's called a window," Monica reminded him gently.

"Not when Ross looks like that it isn't," Chandler returned, twisting around to face her.

"That's true," Monica conceded, her nose crinkling as she smiled. "This is kind of cool, being able to do this in public."

"Yeah, it is," Chandler said, a wide smile on his face as he pulled her closer.

"If you're gonna be doing that again, I'm going to have to leave," Rachel said, pulling a face.

"I had to watch you kiss my brother," Monica reminded her.

"That's true," Rachel said quickly. "Kiss away!"

Monica turned back to Chandler, then stopped still at his expression of fear.

"Does Ross still have that expression on his face?" Chandler asked, his voice low and urgent.

Monica looked. "Uh, the cross-eyed squinty one, foaming at the mouth a little?"

"Yep, that one. Maybe we should just hug," Chandler said hurriedly. Monica looked again, and winced.

"Maybe you're right." Monica hugged him, protracting the embrace for a long moment before pulling back and just resting in his arms.

Chandler paused. "I'm not even going to be allowed to be right in public any more, am I?"

"When were you ever right in public when I wasn't?" Monica demanded, a furious expression starting to creep onto her face.

"Well, there was that time with the couscous and--" Chandler took a step back at Monica's glare. "--I love you?" Chandler winced at his ending of the sentence. "You're right."

"See," Monica said with a self-satisfied smirk. "What did I say about you being right?"

"Never happens!" Chandler said brightly.

Monica ruffled his hair with one hand. "Right. Well I have to go to the bathroom, 'k?"

"Okay." Chandler watched her go, and then turned to the others. "I was right about the couscous, though, wasn't I?"

The other four nodded.

"I HEARD YOU NODDING!" Monica shrieked through the bathroom wall.

"WELL WE CAN HEAR YOU PEEING!" Phoebe shrieked back.

"PERVERT!"

"LIAR!"

"Dude," Joey said to Ross. "Phoebe and Monica are arguing. Does that mean they're dating too?"

Ross patted Joey's shoulder. "Dude. No."

"All right, no need to be so mean about it!" Joey got to his feet again, and started making flicking motions at Ross' head.

"What're you doin', Jo?" Phoebe asked, ignoring Monica's yelling through the toilet door.

"Flicking hypothetical cookie crumbs at Ross, 'cause they taste really nasty. You should buy chocolate chip cookies next time, Pheebs," Joey said, turning on his heel and stomping out of the apartment. The door thudded closed, and then opened a second later as Joey put his head sheepishly around the corner. "And just because Ross and I are arguing, it doesn't mean we're dating too."

"We kinda got that," Rachel said, giving Joey a thumbs-up. Joey returned the gesture and left again. Rachel turned to the table and grimaced. "Hey, where did the firelighters go?"

"Firelighters?" Ross cast around. "Can't see any."

"Urm, Rach? Were they white blocky things?" Ross leant over to where Joey had been sat. "'Cause I think we ought to have a little talk with Joey about how to tell when something is actually, well, you know..."

"Poisonous?" Rachel guessed.

"I was gonna go with edible, 'cause then he'll also stop eating your leg wax, but sure, poisonous works," Ross said.

"He ate my wax? I just thought that maybe Chandler was using it," Rachel said.

"Hey!" Chandler protested. "I may be dating Monica but I'm not entirely weird!"

"I HEARD THAT!" Monica shrieked.

"I love you?" Chandler returned with a wince.

Ross thumped him on the shoulder. "Good save," he complimented.

"I HEARD HIM WINCE TOO!!"

"We have got to do something about sound proofing this apartment!" A sudden thought occurred to Chandler. "You know, Rach, did you ever here me and Mon doi-- "

Ross scowled.

"Doing crosswords in there together not messing around naked at all?" Chandler finished, grimacing as he raced through the words.

"Not really. But I could sleep through a hurricane," Rachel explained. "Hang on, there was that time a couple of weeks ago. I could swear she had been arguing with someone about how to spell supposably."

"It's SUPPOSEDLY!" Monica shrieked.

There was a snickering through the wall from the direction of Joey and Chandler's apartment.

"You had Joey in your room?" Chandler stared accusingly at Monica as she came out of the bathroom.

"Yeah," Monica said. "He'd left his condoms in there from that time with the box."

"Oh."

"Condoms in the box?" Rachel tilted her head to one side.

"Yeah, he was gonna repopulate the earth with them," Phoebe explained.

"Yep. Lots of mini Italian-American plastic people, covering the globe," Chandler said, smiling at his own joke.

"Uh, you do know that you can't reproduce with a condom, don't you?" Ross frowned, concerned. Chandler sighed in disgust and turned away, while Rachel sniggered into her hand and Monica hit him over the back of the head. "What?" he asked as they disappeared out of the apartment, filing out in silence. "What did I say? Guys? Guys???"

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