Happy Days: part II by sna
It's all of thirty seconds since we last saw the crew of the intrepid starship Excalibur. And now everything's a bit confused. Soleta, McHenry and Kebron had to be taken to Sickbay before Kebron's snoring and McHenry's unconscious babbling drove Shelby to murder. Soleta was taken along too because everyone wanted to know what she'd say when the three of them eventually woke up. We follow the Captain (who naturally has nothing better to do than watch his crew get into embarrassing situations) down to sickbay, walking alongside the Caterpillar Bulldozer which had to be employed to shift the inert Kebron. Nightside security chief Ensign Janos is having a grand time driving his first ever truck.
Janos: Oh this is FAN-TAS-TIC fun, Captain! The most rip-roaring, toe- twirling, jaw-dropping, live-long-day-amazing, absolutely gr-
Calhoun: wonders if the young Mugato is speaking a language recognized by his translator, or if that chicken at lunch had a little more than herb stuffing in it
Calhoun: Glad you're having fun Ensign. Mind the other crewmen as you go though.
Janos: Aye-diddly-aye Captain. swerves just in time to avoid running down Kallinda and Morgan - damn (
Calhoun: backs away slightly, muttering quietly 'Diddly'?
They eventually reach Sickbay and saunter in as casually as one can in the company of two unconscious humanoids, an unconscious Brikar and a Bulldozer. Doctor Selar storms out of her office and scowls.
Selar: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT XENEXIAN!!!?
Calhoun: hides behind a chair squeaking in quiet terror
Selar: WHAT WAS THAT YOU INFERIOR LIFE-FORM!!!!?
Janos: turning to his trembling commanding officer I believe the lady asked you a question, sir.
Calhoun: shoots an evil glare at Janos before peeping out from behind the chair
Calhoun: to himself Picard never had this kind of problem. louder Doctor, we have three unconscious crewmen here. I'd like them revived.
Selar: WELL I'D LIKE A LOT OF THINGS TOO XENEXIAN BUT I DON'T PRANCE AROUND LIKE AN UTTER TWAT EXPECTING EVERYONE TO DO THINGS FOR ME! IT'S ALWAYS, 'DOCTOR SELAR: CAUTERIZE THE WOUND, DOCTOR SELAR: MY HEAD HURTS, DOCTOR SELAR: MY LEG FELL OFF, DOCTOR SELAR: MY UTTER LACK OF ANY INTELLECT HAS RESULTED IN THE DESCTRUCTION OF THE GALAXY.'
Janos: subtley to Calhoun I think that last one was aimed at you, Sir.
Calhoun: turns paler and paler
Selar: I'M A DOCTOR! NOT FRINXING SANTA CLAUS, DO YOUR OWN MAJOR INTERNAL SURGERY! AND ANOTHER THING, DO ANY OF YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT I WANT? WELL THE ANSWER IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Calhoun: Is it physically possible for her to do that without breathing?
Selar: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Janos: Apparently so.
Calhoun's comm. badge beeps in that cute way they do
Shelby: shouting Captain, is everything okay? There's some kind of alarm going off down in Sickbay but the sensors can't-
Selar: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Calhoun: shouting also Oh everything's fine Commander! All just peachy down here.
Selar: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Shelby: still shouting Are you sure?
Guess who: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Calhoun: also still shouting Just an. equipment malfunction. Nothing to worry about. whips out his phaser and shoots Selar
Selar: -OOOooooeeep. falls over
Calhoun: holsters phaser and stops shouting Thank the gods. My throat was getting sore.
Shelby: not shouting anymore either Good thing you sorted that malfunction Captain. It was interrupting one hell of a movie up here.
Calhoun: Errr. yeah. Calhoun out. to himself Can I get court-marshaled for shooting my CMO? Ah who cares, I do whatever the hell I want anyway.
Our beloved Captain envisions himself clad in leathers, waving a really big sword and shouting things like 'Make my day Danteri!', 'Lock and load!', 'One for all and all for one!', 'This'll teach D'ndai to steal my toy spaceships!' etc etc.
Calhoun: Ah. the good old days.
Janos: Err. Sir, I don't mean to interrupt your lil' reverie but we've got several problems here now.
Calhoun: What?
Janos: pointing to the still unconscious lieutenants Well I don't know how to wake them up and since Doctor Selar accidentally depressurized Shuttlebay 1 with Dr. Maxwell and the rest of the medical staff in it we don't have any other medics onboard.
Calhoun: Indeed. But that's only one problem.
Janos: I can count, Sir. In addition to the lieutenants now Doctor Selar is unconscious. And you shot her.
Calhoun: Well. how can I be expected to command effectively when my throat is sore?
Janos: speaking very slowly and looking over his shoulder Indeed, Sir. Well it's been an honor serving under you. Your memory will inspire me for the rest of my days. Bye now. takes off as fast as possible
Cahoun: What? Ensign! Where are you going?
Janos: Away from here very fast. bolts through the door and down the hall
Calhoun: Now I know there was something wrong with what just happened. sits on a biobed to ponder for a moment
Calhoun: Oh. Grozit. turns around
Burgyone: having just come out of Selar's office Did you just shoot Selar?
Calhoun's Brain: Tell a lie. Tell a lie. For the love of all that's holy tell a lie!
Calhoun: Err yeah. She was getting really annoying.
Burgyone: stepping forwards and getting taller by the second When I am finished with you the strips of flesh will be the thickness of ribbons. extends claws Your fate will be whispered by mothers in dark places to frighten their children across the galaxies. bares fangs ffshor yoush havesh -shorry retracts fangs for you have struck down my loved one and no matter what it takes she will be avenged upon you and her name etched in the galaxy's memory in your blood! bares fangs again
Calhoun: Oh for the love of all Burgyone! She's only stunned and what do you care? There's no long term thing going on here - your underpants are on and off as often as James Kirk's!
Burgyone: doesn't answer for fear of repeating the fang-lisp episode
Calhoun: See! I'm right! Now come on, they're watching the surveillance of Soleta's quarters last night up on the bridge. We need to get some popcorn or something.
Burgyone: pops fangs back in at mention of tasty junk food Popcorn?
Calhoun: Yuppers. Popcorn.
Burgyone: 'Yuppers'?
Calhoun: smacking his head off a nearby biobed Been spending too long with Janos.
Burgyone: Quit it Captain, save some for me.
Calhoun: getting up and straightening his uniform top Okay Lieutenant Commander, you can kill me later. Preferably after the movie.
Burgyone: Fair enough.
The two of them make their way to the Team Room (I still have a giggle fit every time I see that in print) and make off with several kegs of some sort of alcohol but discover - to their misery - that only un-popped kernels of popcorn are stocked.
Calhoun: The supply staff will be killed for this.
Burgyone: sniffling through tears Well what can we do?!!
Calhoun: ponders for a while before grinning and jumping into the air I've got it!!!
Calhoun continues jumping up and down as Burgyone looks on for a few minutes.
Burgyone: Captain, we can't do whatever your plan is if you don't tell it to me.
Calhoun: looks non-plussed for a while then smiles brightly Oh yeah! Well come on, we'll take the drinks and the kernels up to the bridge. Snatches up the nearest keg and topples over backwards
Burgyone: Why don't we use the transporters?
Calhoun: bounding up from the floor as the barrel rolls over and nearly crushes Burgyone's foot Absolutely! Aren't you clever.
Burgyone: dodging the barrel by a few millimeters apparently not smart enough to ask for a transfer off this ship of the damned. taps comm. badge Burgyone to Watson.
Watson: mmfffl?
Burgyone: Ensign. Report.
Watson: Nuuuuhhhhh.
Calhoun: Ensign Watson, what's your status?
Watson: I just went to bed! P*ss off you mornons!
Calhoun and Burgyone stare at each other.
Calhoun: That's no way to talk to your superior officer!
Watson: I like I give a f**king s**t-worthy damn you idiot!
Calhoun: to Burgyone What do I do?
Burgyone: shrugs and starts chugging out of the nearest keg
Calhoun: rolls his eyes Look Ensign, I need a site-to-site transport. Team Room to Bridge.
Watson: Yeah well I need some F***ing Sleep! Go away.
Calhoun: NO! I want my transport.
Watson: cuts off the comm. signal with a parting set of curses
Calhoun: Picard never had this kind of problem.
Burgyone: Probably because Picard never did the stupid crap you do.
Calhoun: glares at Burgyone as s/he gets to her feet and recaps the keg Awww screw this. taps comm. badge Calhoun to Shelby.
Shelby: Yes Captain?
Calhoun: Commander, transport Burgyone, myself and the containers around us up to the Bridge.
Shelby: Aye Captain.
Everything goes fizzly and suddenly the two of them are back on the Bridge. For some reason Si Cwan, Morgan and Kallinda are up there too, lounging in some rather regal looking couches and chez lounges.
Calhoun: Finally. taps the console Captain's Notebook: Toss Watson out the nearest air-lock when you need a mood lifter. Out.
Shelby: decides not to ask Ready for the show Captain?
Calhoun: tossing himself down into his command chair You're damn right. Let's get it going.
Shelby: It's your show Lefler, let's go.
Calhoun: dishes out the booze in those funny no-spill Starfleet mugs. mmm cheers.
Burgyone: Captain, what about the popcorn?
Calhoun: Oh yeah! whips out phaser and shoots sack of popcorn
The popcorn explodes everywhere and bounces off the roof to rain down from above, in a matter of seconds there's a three foot layer of golden yummy popcorn covering every inch of floor and console space on the Bridge. Calhoun surveys his mess happily.
Calhoun: Wiggy.
Shelby: puts down her drink and sighs into her hands
Lefler: Here we go! dims lights, viewscreen switches from Jellico's dart covered face to a widescreen reel of the corridor outside Soleta's quarters
Si Cwan: What are we watching?
Lefler: Wait and see.
Si Cwan: doesn't like the sound of that and coughs self-consciously
So there we have it. Part two. Apologies for the delay. Next part up soon! (damn, by no you must really want to know what's on that recording () I wish I had that much popcorn and a phaser, that would rock!
Thank you to my review people from Psi-phi and Fanfiction.net. I'm glad you think this is funny. (Captain Calhoun doesn't)
It's all of thirty seconds since we last saw the crew of the intrepid starship Excalibur. And now everything's a bit confused. Soleta, McHenry and Kebron had to be taken to Sickbay before Kebron's snoring and McHenry's unconscious babbling drove Shelby to murder. Soleta was taken along too because everyone wanted to know what she'd say when the three of them eventually woke up. We follow the Captain (who naturally has nothing better to do than watch his crew get into embarrassing situations) down to sickbay, walking alongside the Caterpillar Bulldozer which had to be employed to shift the inert Kebron. Nightside security chief Ensign Janos is having a grand time driving his first ever truck.
Janos: Oh this is FAN-TAS-TIC fun, Captain! The most rip-roaring, toe- twirling, jaw-dropping, live-long-day-amazing, absolutely gr-
Calhoun: wonders if the young Mugato is speaking a language recognized by his translator, or if that chicken at lunch had a little more than herb stuffing in it
Calhoun: Glad you're having fun Ensign. Mind the other crewmen as you go though.
Janos: Aye-diddly-aye Captain. swerves just in time to avoid running down Kallinda and Morgan - damn (
Calhoun: backs away slightly, muttering quietly 'Diddly'?
They eventually reach Sickbay and saunter in as casually as one can in the company of two unconscious humanoids, an unconscious Brikar and a Bulldozer. Doctor Selar storms out of her office and scowls.
Selar: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT XENEXIAN!!!?
Calhoun: hides behind a chair squeaking in quiet terror
Selar: WHAT WAS THAT YOU INFERIOR LIFE-FORM!!!!?
Janos: turning to his trembling commanding officer I believe the lady asked you a question, sir.
Calhoun: shoots an evil glare at Janos before peeping out from behind the chair
Calhoun: to himself Picard never had this kind of problem. louder Doctor, we have three unconscious crewmen here. I'd like them revived.
Selar: WELL I'D LIKE A LOT OF THINGS TOO XENEXIAN BUT I DON'T PRANCE AROUND LIKE AN UTTER TWAT EXPECTING EVERYONE TO DO THINGS FOR ME! IT'S ALWAYS, 'DOCTOR SELAR: CAUTERIZE THE WOUND, DOCTOR SELAR: MY HEAD HURTS, DOCTOR SELAR: MY LEG FELL OFF, DOCTOR SELAR: MY UTTER LACK OF ANY INTELLECT HAS RESULTED IN THE DESCTRUCTION OF THE GALAXY.'
Janos: subtley to Calhoun I think that last one was aimed at you, Sir.
Calhoun: turns paler and paler
Selar: I'M A DOCTOR! NOT FRINXING SANTA CLAUS, DO YOUR OWN MAJOR INTERNAL SURGERY! AND ANOTHER THING, DO ANY OF YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT I WANT? WELL THE ANSWER IS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Calhoun: Is it physically possible for her to do that without breathing?
Selar: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Janos: Apparently so.
Calhoun's comm. badge beeps in that cute way they do
Shelby: shouting Captain, is everything okay? There's some kind of alarm going off down in Sickbay but the sensors can't-
Selar: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Calhoun: shouting also Oh everything's fine Commander! All just peachy down here.
Selar: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Shelby: still shouting Are you sure?
Guess who: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Calhoun: also still shouting Just an. equipment malfunction. Nothing to worry about. whips out his phaser and shoots Selar
Selar: -OOOooooeeep. falls over
Calhoun: holsters phaser and stops shouting Thank the gods. My throat was getting sore.
Shelby: not shouting anymore either Good thing you sorted that malfunction Captain. It was interrupting one hell of a movie up here.
Calhoun: Errr. yeah. Calhoun out. to himself Can I get court-marshaled for shooting my CMO? Ah who cares, I do whatever the hell I want anyway.
Our beloved Captain envisions himself clad in leathers, waving a really big sword and shouting things like 'Make my day Danteri!', 'Lock and load!', 'One for all and all for one!', 'This'll teach D'ndai to steal my toy spaceships!' etc etc.
Calhoun: Ah. the good old days.
Janos: Err. Sir, I don't mean to interrupt your lil' reverie but we've got several problems here now.
Calhoun: What?
Janos: pointing to the still unconscious lieutenants Well I don't know how to wake them up and since Doctor Selar accidentally depressurized Shuttlebay 1 with Dr. Maxwell and the rest of the medical staff in it we don't have any other medics onboard.
Calhoun: Indeed. But that's only one problem.
Janos: I can count, Sir. In addition to the lieutenants now Doctor Selar is unconscious. And you shot her.
Calhoun: Well. how can I be expected to command effectively when my throat is sore?
Janos: speaking very slowly and looking over his shoulder Indeed, Sir. Well it's been an honor serving under you. Your memory will inspire me for the rest of my days. Bye now. takes off as fast as possible
Cahoun: What? Ensign! Where are you going?
Janos: Away from here very fast. bolts through the door and down the hall
Calhoun: Now I know there was something wrong with what just happened. sits on a biobed to ponder for a moment
Calhoun: Oh. Grozit. turns around
Burgyone: having just come out of Selar's office Did you just shoot Selar?
Calhoun's Brain: Tell a lie. Tell a lie. For the love of all that's holy tell a lie!
Calhoun: Err yeah. She was getting really annoying.
Burgyone: stepping forwards and getting taller by the second When I am finished with you the strips of flesh will be the thickness of ribbons. extends claws Your fate will be whispered by mothers in dark places to frighten their children across the galaxies. bares fangs ffshor yoush havesh -shorry retracts fangs for you have struck down my loved one and no matter what it takes she will be avenged upon you and her name etched in the galaxy's memory in your blood! bares fangs again
Calhoun: Oh for the love of all Burgyone! She's only stunned and what do you care? There's no long term thing going on here - your underpants are on and off as often as James Kirk's!
Burgyone: doesn't answer for fear of repeating the fang-lisp episode
Calhoun: See! I'm right! Now come on, they're watching the surveillance of Soleta's quarters last night up on the bridge. We need to get some popcorn or something.
Burgyone: pops fangs back in at mention of tasty junk food Popcorn?
Calhoun: Yuppers. Popcorn.
Burgyone: 'Yuppers'?
Calhoun: smacking his head off a nearby biobed Been spending too long with Janos.
Burgyone: Quit it Captain, save some for me.
Calhoun: getting up and straightening his uniform top Okay Lieutenant Commander, you can kill me later. Preferably after the movie.
Burgyone: Fair enough.
The two of them make their way to the Team Room (I still have a giggle fit every time I see that in print) and make off with several kegs of some sort of alcohol but discover - to their misery - that only un-popped kernels of popcorn are stocked.
Calhoun: The supply staff will be killed for this.
Burgyone: sniffling through tears Well what can we do?!!
Calhoun: ponders for a while before grinning and jumping into the air I've got it!!!
Calhoun continues jumping up and down as Burgyone looks on for a few minutes.
Burgyone: Captain, we can't do whatever your plan is if you don't tell it to me.
Calhoun: looks non-plussed for a while then smiles brightly Oh yeah! Well come on, we'll take the drinks and the kernels up to the bridge. Snatches up the nearest keg and topples over backwards
Burgyone: Why don't we use the transporters?
Calhoun: bounding up from the floor as the barrel rolls over and nearly crushes Burgyone's foot Absolutely! Aren't you clever.
Burgyone: dodging the barrel by a few millimeters apparently not smart enough to ask for a transfer off this ship of the damned. taps comm. badge Burgyone to Watson.
Watson: mmfffl?
Burgyone: Ensign. Report.
Watson: Nuuuuhhhhh.
Calhoun: Ensign Watson, what's your status?
Watson: I just went to bed! P*ss off you mornons!
Calhoun and Burgyone stare at each other.
Calhoun: That's no way to talk to your superior officer!
Watson: I like I give a f**king s**t-worthy damn you idiot!
Calhoun: to Burgyone What do I do?
Burgyone: shrugs and starts chugging out of the nearest keg
Calhoun: rolls his eyes Look Ensign, I need a site-to-site transport. Team Room to Bridge.
Watson: Yeah well I need some F***ing Sleep! Go away.
Calhoun: NO! I want my transport.
Watson: cuts off the comm. signal with a parting set of curses
Calhoun: Picard never had this kind of problem.
Burgyone: Probably because Picard never did the stupid crap you do.
Calhoun: glares at Burgyone as s/he gets to her feet and recaps the keg Awww screw this. taps comm. badge Calhoun to Shelby.
Shelby: Yes Captain?
Calhoun: Commander, transport Burgyone, myself and the containers around us up to the Bridge.
Shelby: Aye Captain.
Everything goes fizzly and suddenly the two of them are back on the Bridge. For some reason Si Cwan, Morgan and Kallinda are up there too, lounging in some rather regal looking couches and chez lounges.
Calhoun: Finally. taps the console Captain's Notebook: Toss Watson out the nearest air-lock when you need a mood lifter. Out.
Shelby: decides not to ask Ready for the show Captain?
Calhoun: tossing himself down into his command chair You're damn right. Let's get it going.
Shelby: It's your show Lefler, let's go.
Calhoun: dishes out the booze in those funny no-spill Starfleet mugs. mmm cheers.
Burgyone: Captain, what about the popcorn?
Calhoun: Oh yeah! whips out phaser and shoots sack of popcorn
The popcorn explodes everywhere and bounces off the roof to rain down from above, in a matter of seconds there's a three foot layer of golden yummy popcorn covering every inch of floor and console space on the Bridge. Calhoun surveys his mess happily.
Calhoun: Wiggy.
Shelby: puts down her drink and sighs into her hands
Lefler: Here we go! dims lights, viewscreen switches from Jellico's dart covered face to a widescreen reel of the corridor outside Soleta's quarters
Si Cwan: What are we watching?
Lefler: Wait and see.
Si Cwan: doesn't like the sound of that and coughs self-consciously
So there we have it. Part two. Apologies for the delay. Next part up soon! (damn, by no you must really want to know what's on that recording () I wish I had that much popcorn and a phaser, that would rock!
Thank you to my review people from Psi-phi and Fanfiction.net. I'm glad you think this is funny. (Captain Calhoun doesn't)
