Thank you to my four reviewers. I apologize for the delay but I know y'all don't care about that - you just want to know what's up next! And damnit you're gonna find out what's on that tape (though you'll wish you hadn't)

So we're still on the bridge of the Excalibur. It's looking nice and homey as always, the lights are down because everyone's about to watch a movie. Well we call it a movie because Lefler's edited it into one. Really it's the -ahem- security footage taken as a matter of course on every starship, even though Kebron has never been told these cameras exist. Never mind eh? Lefler's got to have something to watch on shift.

Well at any rate, the bridge is under 3ft of delicious looking popcorn (courtesy of Captain Calhoun, the galley and his phaser), everybody's (that's Calhoun, Shelby, Si Cwan, Kallinda, Burgyone, Lefler, Morgan and some freeloading crewmen) got a mug of beer in their eminently capable hands (courtesy of Captain Calhoun, the galley and the transporter) and the movie is starting.

The countdown begins:

Five

Calhoun: Hey, does anyone have any beer nuts?

Four:

Shelby: rolls her eyes No Captain, I don't believe they were brought aboard when we left Spacedock.

Three:

Calhoun: Why not?

Two:

Shelby: I'm not really sure. They're supposed to be in the ship's stores.

One:

Calhoun: hmmms ominously

Zero - Start

In a terribly artsy fashion the screen is black at first and only a sound can be heard.

Morgan: Hell Robin, you missed your calling

Robin: Maybe Mother, didn't you once say you'd love to have a daughter who produced various award winning sci-fi series?

Morgan: Probably, anything but an Ops officer. Honestly, in my day there wasn't even such a post.

Robin: under her breath In your day there wasn't such a thing as a post. Responsibility or wood wise.

Morgan: I heard that.

Robin: Good.

Shelby: Both of you shut up.

Robin: with the requisite volume of meekness Yes Commander.

Morgan: mimicking Lefler "Yes Commander."

Calhoun: whips out a phaser and shoots Morgan

Everyone: yay

Shelby: whispered quietly to Calhoun I can't take you anywhere.

Calhoun: So true. turns to the rest of the crew Anymore aggravation like that points in a rather, well, pointed way at Morgan's insensate body then I'll be bringing up security to act as ushers.

Kalinda: Why? You're doing just fine on your own.

Calhoun: turns and stares at Kalinda as though she's sprouted just a second but also a third head I didn't know you could talk!

Wisely nobody comments

On screen.

The sound of footsteps are heard as someone - a skinny, freckled someone - skips backwards over to Soleta's door and beeps the comm. panel.

McHenry: Soleta! Why isn't there anything that rhymes with 'orange'? It's an outrage.

The screen splits so we can see McHenry on one side of the door and Soleta in her quarters, staggering through a field of pale blue bottles on her way to the door.

Soleta: I didn't call you over for consultation of a rhyming dictionary, Mark!

McHenry: Why not?

Soleta: Just. because. Come in.

McHenry: strolls in and takes in the chaos around him. And the fact that Soleta's in her pajamas So why am I here exactly.

Soleta: Because I require your assistance.

McHenry: Is this a sleepover?

Soleta: No.

McHenry: A costume party?

Soleta: No.

McHenry: A rupture in the space-time continuum that's warped my perception of reality?

Soleta: No.

McHenry: Have I stepped into a Mirror Universe where there's inverted colors, gravity has reversed itself, every one's discovered that faster than life travel can't happen and there's a chance in hell you might be attracted to me?

Soleta: No - Mark just be silent and sit down.

McHenry: wiggles his fingers about in Earth sign language as he sits down

Soleta: Stop that.

McHenry: sits and looks at her blandly

Soleta: Now listen, you can speak once I finish talking, I need you to assist me in my latest endeavor.

McHenry: What's that?

Soleta: I am attempting to become so inebriated I cannot stand.

McHenry: You're getting yourself drunk? Why?

Soleta: because it is one of the few things I have not done! The logical course of action is therefore to do it.

McHenry is silent for a moment before nodding and tossing himself back in the chair

McHenry: hmmmmm fair enough, let's run with it!

Soleta: confused Run where?

McHenry: Qu'onos?

Soleta: off-handedly Why not?

McHenry: missing the point as always Because if we try to run from here to the Klingon homeworld we'll suffocate in the vacuum of space. gives it a moment's additional thought and get really tired.

Soleta: rolls eyes and throws a bottle of Romulan Ale at McHenry Drink.

McHenry: Yes I know it is.

Soleta: sighs heavily before lying flat out on the couch

They both sit quietly for a moment. The screen flickers for a moment like the old black and white movies used to.

McHenry: Soleta?

Soleta: mmph.

McHenry: I think you're cute.

Soleta: raising her head and examining him blearily I think you're cute too.

McHenry: Wanna make out?

Soleta: Hell yeah!

A scene appropriate for viewing in one of those atrocious teen romance movies commences.

One of those hellishly incomprehensible 'ballads' by Enrique Iglesias flares into full "I love you Cindy! I love you Fred!" mode and Calhoun bolts from his chair to face an entranced Lefler.

Calhoun: You screwed around with this tape didn't you, Lefler?

(on screen behind her) "I love you, you pointy eared space babe!"

Lefler: No sir, honest to goodness I didn't.

(on screen again) "And I love you too you addle-brained astro hunk!"

Shelby: Oh gods! This is worse than Buffy. puts head in hands and covers her eyes

Meanwhile.

Si Cwan claps one hand over Kallinda's eyes and the other over his own

Kalinda: Awh, Si Cwan.

Si Cwan: You can play around with dead and vengeful spirits all you please Kally, you can be kidnapped by a crazed revenge seeking Thallonian or threatened with death by dog monsters or short evil leprochaun men in pyramid space ships, but this kind of things is psychosis inducing.

Kallinda: But you get to watch.

Si Cwan: No I don't. I'd rather grease myself in pig fat and leap into the Hunger Zone screaming "Here Blackie! Blackie! Here Black Mass!".

Kallida: But they were just about to start taking their clo-

Si Cwan: Yes, yes, I know! I've seen such things before.

Kallinda: That's a lie and you know it!

Si Cwan: That's it! If there's to be no sex for me there's definitely to be no sex for you young lady. Viewed or otherwise!

Kalinda: Yeah there's no sex for you, you never even had a girlfriend!

While the two Thallonians are arguing a simultaneous conversation is taking place to the fore of the bridge.

Lefler: I swear Captain, on my mother's life.

Calhoun: stares at her

Lefler: Okay, bad example. But I didn't! I didn't do anything to.

(on screen) A naked Si Cwan runs through the scene and leaps into the by- now-NC-17-rated scene.

Calhoun: stares at her some more

Lefler: cringes into her chair Err. the original tape. I still have it available.

Calhoun: I thought so.

Lefler: I'll just put it on shall I?

Shelby: calling across the bridge I would, before the trio onscreen start getting it on.

Si Cwan: Did I just hear my own voice? starts to take hand away from his eyes

Shelby and Calhoun: NO!

Si Cwan: puts hand back on eyes

Calhoun returns to his seat [scooping up a handful of delicious popcorn from the floor] and he and Shelby stare at the screen while Lefler locates the new tape

Shelby: Who would've thought he was still red all the way down?

Calhoun: Indeed, must've be some high-octane sunbeds they kept at the Thal royal palace.

Shelby: This is rather disturbing you know.

Calhoun: Yes, I know.

Shelby: I mean - oh-in-the-name-of-all-that's-holy-what-the-hell-kind-of- maneuvre-is-that!!!???

Calhoun: Honestly, Eppy you want to be a Captain and you can't even handle a little oh-gods-lefler-what-the-hell-did-you-base-this-on????!!!!

Shelby: Turn it off! Turn it off!

Lefler hurriedly complies but not before a parting comment can be heard.

(on screen a Thallonian voice can be heard saying) "Now, now McHenry I'm not Burgyo-"

Shelby: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Calhoun: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Si Cwan and Kalinda: eyes still covered What?

Passing blue-shirt ensign: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Passing gold-shirt ensign: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Passing red-shirt ensign who usually takes the helm when McHenry can't be bothered or likely would've been killed if he had been there: drops dead from shock

Burgyone: Sweeet! Make a copy and forward it to me Robin!

Lefler: Yes sir!

Calhoun: shaking his head and blinking his eyes in an effort to dispel the mental picture flying about his brain I've seen countless horrors in my time: crimes against my people by the Danteri, entire planets reduced to ashes by some omnipotently devised device, a good pure captain driven insane with guilt and rage, flaming birds eating bits of planet, a giant black cloud of death, billions massacred by a lethal plague. none of it compares to that.

Shelby: hoists her beer mug and tips the contents of her ever-ready hip flask into it I'll drink to that. downs it all and passes out within seconds

Calhoun: thinking hard about not using the sword he keeps in his ready room to do something Starfleet will go psycho at him for later Lefler?

Lefler: Yes Captain? I have the original tape ready to roll. All you need to do is press play.

Calhoun: Fine. points at her I want you, points at the turbolift to go to your room and think about what you've done young lady.

Lefler: sulkily Yes Captain. gets up and leaves

Calhoun: gets up and heads to ready-room I'll be back in a few minutes.

Si Cwan: Where are you going Captain?

Calhoun: To my room to cry.

Well hence was included the requisite sex content of all Excalibur adventures. Don't worry, the story's not finished yet, we need to know what's on the actual tape (I hear you screaming - "NO NOT AGAIN!!!!") and well, I thought Burgyone wanted to kill our illustrious leader. Not to mention all the other cool stuff that's going to happen.

Yes, it will happen! I just don't know what will happen yet.

Review if you feel like it (