Author:  Olya

  Series: Megami Kouhosei (Pilot Candidate) (Candidate for Goddess)

  Pairing: read and see

  Rating: PG-13

  Genre: angst/future-fic/ slightly AU for things that didn't really happen in the show

  Email: sacred_tune@hotmail.com, AIM: Cherished Abyss

  Disclaimer: I do not own Megami Kouhosei in any way, shape, or form. This piece is a fan fiction, and is made specifically for the purposes of entertaining and expanding imagination of Megami Kouhosei fans.  

  Special Notes from the Author: no much to say, except for a warning that this is NOT a picture-perfect sweet and waffy story. ANYBODY who says that it was sweet – shall die (so said by Hiead, and wasn't my fault – he directed my writing, I had nothing to do with this…well maybe just a little bit). For those who bothered to write less than a couple of rather non-informative words for my Part 1: I appreciate your short reviews, but they don't tell me your reaction, your thoughts...I need constructive criticism, or a thorough review that explains your reactions to certain moments, if you will, and please bother to write such (I do thank all my reviewers, especially Lalita-san), your reviews give me fuel and knowledge of how to write me text, in order to get you interested. And would somebody PLEASE teach me when to use 'toward' and when to use 'towards'?

… Have a nice ride kids, buckle-up  

                                      For Those Who Seek Balance

                                                       Part 2

                                               90 hours 7 minutes

          The rain stops for a moment, only to begin again with full power. The hand with which I hold my umbrella begins to shake slightly, weakened by my old friend arthritis, so I bring up my other hand in order to support the weight of the object I'm holding. The rain became heavy and more intense. The wind has picked up its power somewhere far along the deserted alley, viciously ripping fresh green leaves off the gentle birches. It is a shame that such young products of nature were assaulted so brutally by non other than nature itself…

      …But then again, life and death can and will strike you at any time, any age, and any place – I've had to learn it the hard way.

      I close my eyes slowly, inhaling the smell of rain and its dampness. The vision of where I'm standing slowly fades away, and my mind takes me back in time. Sixty two years. Some would say it's a life long lived, others would see them as just a tiny drop of time within the ocean of Universe. Nevertheless – it's time when life took place, and it's all that matters. I remember everything. Back when my hair and eyes were the color of tree frames, and when my skin was as perfect as porcelain, and when my mind was as innocent as that of a child. I was seventeen, with whole life still ahead of me…

                                                                   ***

     I remember that ordinary day more clearly than any other. I can easily recall every little detail of that day. The day we found out. Most of us sat at the table, having breakfast, chatting about miscellaneous subjects when Clay walked up to us, a hint of alarm in his voice and face. Nobody noticed it at first, except for me. Several minutes later we were all petrified. Clay, who had the amazing gift of foresight, had told us about the Prophecy he discovered just now, and had confirmed it to be true. In reality, Clay was not psychic, but his amazing EX allowed him to gather, analyze, and predict data better than any computer.

    In his Prophecy, Clay said that the Final Battle with Victim would come within the next four days.

    He said that the Victim were gathering their forces together, swarms joining each other into giant multitudes. Clay said that his computers, aligned with his EX had confirmed that there were little fewer than five million Victim, preparing for the final attack, which – judging by their behavior and incoming speed – would be in precisely 90 hours 7 minutes.

    All of us knew right then: people would die. We would die.

    The numbers, given to us by Clay, paralyzed our minds and bodies for a good while. 

    In the next five minutes the drama began to unfold. Kizna slowly began crying, with Zero at her side giving her a tight hug, his eyes wide open, staring into space – seeing nothing but horror. I was crying too…but Zero didn't seem to care- in fact nobody seemed to care. The unjust out-of-place jealousy began to form its way inside my throat, conflicted with the feeling of impending doom of the Final Battle that was to come. But at the moment I didn't seem to register the latter feeling, instead my tears concentrated on pure envy of how Zero held Kizna so protectively, giving her all the comfort, the comfort I needed so much all my life.

    Meanwhile, Erts' glass of iced lemon water lay shattered on the cold steel floor, forgotten; Tune's eyes couldn't seem to focus on any object, and small but sure tears were forming in the corners of her gentle eyes; Clay looked at all of us helplessly with unrepressed sadness, as if it was all his fault. A moment later I fainted, and as I was falling to the ground only one thing had time to register in my mind – you…where were you? You were gone from your dining table…or rather out of the room entirely…

    I recall whispering your name, in hopes that you would come back here and do something…anything…whatever…just do it…DO IT! And then I hit the floor with a light thud. 

    Time began ticking rather loudly. The quiet beeping of seconds on our alarm clocks; the previously muffled non-disturbing ticking of old-fashioned watches was gone, replaced with loud bangs that everyone couldn't seem to stop hearing. Time was making us aware of itself, and it was becoming quite unbearable. Not just us, but people from all over the space – from colonies and Zion, to employment staffs of GOA and GIS; they all had felt time…but it was us: the Pilots and the Repairers who felt it the most. Nobody slept that first night; neither did anybody sleep the following day. Only then did our bodies have to give into slumber.

     Everybody had nightmares, of course. Everyone I knew woke up in cold sweat, afraid, wanting to live. Yes, we wanted to live…was that so wrong? Even you did…but didn't show it of course. You were just as you were before…and I was surprised by how this didn't affect you at all. Was there even a piece of a pathetic soul inside of you? My answer came in the evening of the Third Day (as it would be later known to history). I remember walking into the cafeteria every day and looking up at the giant clock that hung there, counting down the hours of when we would die. It was dreadful to sit there and stare, hypnotized by this enormous machinery, which counted our minutes.

      10…….9…...8…..7....6…5…4..3..2.1-

     Day One was the hardest of all, as I believe, with everybody being shocked, crying, fainting, and some even killing themselves in desperation to hold their power over death. Then we slept, worn out and tired. Then we woke up and didn't go by our regular routines. We didn't eat. We didn't talk. We were alone, by ourselves. Aftermath.

     Day Two; we cried again, this time to each other, all but you of course. I don't even remember seeing you during those days. Our old friends were permitted to come to GIS, but not all of them could come though. Roose could not come, but Wrecka-chan did. Saki came. I remember how she publicly collapsed onto Clay's shoulders, crying in fear as she clutched at his Observer uniform. His shoulders didn't budge once, however, as he wore that same old Clay –the Observer mask. He knew he had to be calm in the time of this universal panic, or others would lose their last bits of hope. Clay was the second most important person next to Top Kurou Rivoldi, and that meant he had to keep his cool up no matter what. Even such an intense thing as seeing his old friend and partner would not break him. But Saki kept crying, and soaking his Observer uniform, as if trying to prove us all something about Clay. Then shortly after, she collapsed violently onto the floor, leaving startled Clay to stand above her, in shock. Saki had a massive heart attack that day, one that she barely lived through…one that had scarred her mental state for the rest of her life. The only thing I know about Clay and Saki, was that when I visited her in the recovery room, soon after what happened, I saw Clay standing on his knees in front of this unconscious young woman, crying his head off as he clung to her bedside, desperately gripping onto the bed sheets and her pale hands. I didn't say nor do anything at that moment. I left them alone for the love's sake but visited Saki later, only to do the same thing Clay did. 

     Day Three came upon us, and we didn't cry anymore. On that day we pulled ourselves together, making finishing repairs on already perfect Ingrids. It was the day when we had to get serious, because as little as the chance of survival was – we still had it, and we would fight until the end. It was quite a pressure to know that the existence of the humanity depended on the ten of us. Four billion people counted on us. Meanwhile the clock kept ticking and ticking. And the sounds of it were getting louder and louder. The Final Battle would come upon us the following morning.

      In the evening of the Third Day I began to get nervous. So nervous I got that in no time my anxiety had turned into pure fear, and I couldn't walk or talk or be still without my hands getting shaky. I needed to do something, anything. Perhaps I had to talk it out, or do something that would cool my system from the constant fear; I knew I was in no condition to operate the Ingrid well on the following day. I visited Saki a couple of times, and though she was now conscious – it was obvious she could not talk much. I tried to find Kizna, but couldn't. I spent some of my time with Wrecka-chan; she wouldn't talk to me either, but for other reasons I'd rather not remember. Then I came to the hangar in order to make final checkups on Elia Phoenix. Still…it wasn't enough. I couldn't calm down, my body needed to do something in order to forget of what was to come.

     A certain idea then came to my mind. And even though I dismissed it at first, I could not stop thinking about it. Surely…that was quite something worth doing.

     Finally giving up to myself, I decided to confront my feelings and go for it. It was the last day anyways…I wouldn't have to care about being rejected or told off…for all I knew – this was the last day of my life.

    Walking down the hallway towards the men's quarters, I couldn't help but wonder how Zero would respond to my affections. What would he think? How would he feel? What would he say to me? Was it a good idea to even consider telling about my feelings toward him? There was only one way to find out, I mused as I turned around the corner and continued strolling to the Number One's quarters. I was just about to turn around next and final corner when I heard quiet voices echoing throughout the hallway. I don't remember much about what they were talking about, but I can recall Erts telling him that he felt the same way. Zero, one the other hand, was saying things about how he didn't care if he died the following day – the more important thing was that he couldn't go on if Erts would die, he wouldn't know a good reason to live if that happened. Anyone who knew Erts and Zero would know that there was always chemistry between those two. I knew it too, though I wouldn't bet my life on it…before I saw it with my own eyes from around that corner – two seventeen year old boys sharing a mutual embrace and whispering affectionate words to one another. My heart broke then, and I ran as fast as my legs would carry me. My vision blurred so much, I couldn't even recognize where I was going, but I was going somewhere – and that was all that mattered. Yet because my mind was so occupied at the moment, it was too late when I realized that I just ran around the entire men's quarters' hallway, bringing myself to the same exact spot where Zero and Erts were standing minutes earlier...

    Thankfully, they weren't there anymore, and I realized I was completely alone in the corridor. Walking slowly, with my head limp and too heavy for my body, I wiped away my tears…well, at least now I knew how Zero felt about me. He had no interest in me like that whatsoever. All this time we were good friends, but he never thought about me in that way. In all time of our friendship, I didn't dare to tell him how I felt. And now it was too late. As I paced down the hallway, passing the Number One's quarters, I came to a sudden stop in front of the next door: the Number Two's quarters – your room.

    I wondered what you were doing now, at this time, the night before the Final Battle. Were you already asleep? It was a late night after all. I, myself did not feel like sleeping, and even if I did, I knew I wouldn't be able to fall into the world of dreams anyway. Something then told me that you would probably not be asleep either. Being alone and hurt as I was, I found it would be healthy and also important to speak to my Pilot before what was to come.

    Your door was open, surprisingly to my assumptions of your need of complete privacy. The light on the side was flashing green before I even attempted to push the button that would open the door to your quarters. The metal shield opened with a disgusting slick whisper of oil against the door's mechanism. I stepped in with uncertainty, and instantly the same creepy noise of the sliding door could be heard behind my back. Inside I saw nothing but darkness at first, making me wonder whether I was correct in assuming you weren't asleep, but then I saw your slender frame against the starlit window. I instantly relaxed, relieved that you were awake. You didn't look like you acknowledged my presence, but I knew that in truth you did, since you must have heard the sound of the door at my entrance; but that was your way with people – you never paid much attention to life around you, probably thinking they are not worth of your time.

    Carefully, as if not to cause sudden disturbances in this quiet peaceful atmosphere, I moved toward where you stood, your arms crossed at your chest – your usual posture – gazing out the window and into space. I kept coming closer and closer, lightly stumbling against your bed on the way. When I was no more than five feet away from you, I had a chance to study your features. Your appearance changed so much in the two years that we've worked together; I could see it even in such starlit dimness. Your hair was longer, the front bangs almost reaching your chin now, and the ones in the back were nearly at the shoulders, as always unruly but nevertheless thick and silky to my gaze. I had a sudden urge to run my hands through them.

    I knew I didn't have to say anything, we never conversed much. It was one of the habits we've obtained when working together for the past two years. I've learned not to bother saying unimportant things to you, and speak only when it was necessary. We stood like that for quite a while, just gazing outside at the small trickles of light that were stars, consumed by the darkness of space, as always.

   Darkness consumes.

   As true as it is, the darkness can not be if there is no light. Only if there is light, can the darkness be defined as such. I thought that light and darkness would always exist; the question was, however, if we would be there tomorrow to see them again.

   "My destiny will finally be accomplished, yet I do not feel complete."

    My attention was snapped back into reality, as I heard your words echoing throughout the room. They seemed loud, but I knew they were nothing more than a mere murmur. It was then that I had realized just how quiet the entire facility was, unusually so. It took a moment for me to consider your words, and it seemed that you said them to yourself. I was beginning to question whether you really knew I was in the room. My question was shortly answered, as you suddenly turned to look me straight into the eyes, your dark claret orbs assaulting me with a sudden accusation.

    "Why."

     It was more of a statement than a question; at least that is what it sounded like, coming from your lips. Why? Why what? I didn't understand, until it registered in my mind correctly. You said that your destiny was almost complete…but it wasn't enough for you, was it? There was more…And all those years you've craved for this upcoming battle, training yourself, working your strength to its limits, but it never occurred to you that there was something else you didn't do. Something extremely important that you never thought twice of, and now it was eating away at your soul (if you had any that is), reminding you that you had failed in something quite important, and now it was too late to make it up. I could imagine the despair you felt right then. It made me feel pity, and worst of all – guilt. I couldn't help but wonder if it was something I didn't do right. I was a good repairer, wasn't I? I did things…right…right? Still, you seemed to question me concerning what went wrong, blaming me for your desolation. The message was as clear as it could be.

    But how could I respond to the question you so desperately sought the answer to, if I didn't know the answer myself?

    Feeling tears of pity welling up in my eyes, I couldn't help but feel helpless and responsible for something I didn't even do. Still, you kept your condemning glare on me, waiting for some sort of reply. I had none. Nonetheless, I felt like I owed some kind of answer to you, a comfort of the sort. So, acting on a pure instinct, I found myself leaning into your face so quick that I almost lost my balance. A moment later I was kissing you on the lips, in a shy peck. It seemed to last quicker than a second, and you weren't responding at all, your lips stayed in the same hard thin line they were a second ago. Such lack of action from your side made me think whether I crossed a line I shouldn't have crossed. With fear building its way throughout my entire body, I began to pull away just as quickly as I leaned in, noticing all the while that your eyes were not closed, but not wide awake with surprise either. Suddenly in the mid-step of my action, just as I've been pulling away, you seemed to register something about what I just did, and quickly caught my lips with yours before I was completely out of reach.

    Yet, just as soon as you caught my mouth, you let it go with a soft kissing sound. I was stunned in midair, but not for too long, as I felt your now hungry lips on mine once more, and this time for slightly longer time. I couldn't help but want more, as all of the previous thoughts and feelings of guilt and insecurity fled somewhere far away. You wanted more too: I could feel it by your short and ragged breaths, which seemed to be identical to mine. In that instant, as if on some silent cue, our bodies collapsed together just like a powerful explosion, gaining animalistic ideas of lovemaking. I never knew I had it in me – or you for that matter…but it didn't seem to bother me that much as we slowly proceeded to your bed – not without stumbling several times on our way there – as we quickly disposed of my and then your clothing. You laid over me like a blazing blanket of passion, and began to devour my innocence for the rest of the longest night of my life.

     It's funny how I seem to remember every tiny detail of that night, and even with my old age I can recall everything down to the color of your feverish skin, and to each breath taken that night. In that room, when lying on that bed, I forgot all my troubles and worries: Zero, the Battle, and Saki's ailment. Your worries seemed to subside as well. All of our bothers were gone, for lovemaking does not allow thoughts – it only allows sensations.

     And there were plenty of those.

     I gave every little thing that defined me to you that night because I pitied you, not because I felt something for you. I was in love with Zero, and he would never feel anything more than a brotherly love towards me.

   Later when lying in your arms, pleasantly sore and exhausted, I had asked you of my only concern:

   "And do you feel complete now, Hiead?"

   After what seemed like an eternity to me, I heard your quiet reply, brushing softly against my ear:

   "Perhaps…"

    Perhaps: it was not a no, but neither was it a yes.

    It was perhaps.

    And it was enough for me to fall asleep completely content with the way things were. However, it was only the satisfaction of the moment, which would later bring me into things I would rather not have lived through. But it was too late to turn around now. What was done – was done.

                        To Be Continued in Part 3…